So Last Year, This Happened

Posted on by stilllearning2b

So last year, this happened. And it wasn’t pretty. My first reaction was more shock than anything. And it got worse before it got better. That night was the longest I had endured in years. It was like four years of healing had been erased in a few moments. Somehow, I made it through the next day at work and, after some self-care that evening, I was even able to poke fun at the encounter.

And this weekend is the anniversary and I’m going back to the scene. And I think I’m okay. The first time is the worst and, even if it happens again, it will be easier than it was then.

Or at least that’s what I’m telling myself.

It’s not as though there has been enough repeated exposure to lessen the shock value. It’s not like the other triggers that I have slowly erased with the aide of time and layering. This is different. This one is alive. Or at least was a year ago.

Last year, I was surprised.

This year, I’m anticipating.

And I don’t like that.

It reminds me of the early months, when I always kept my eyes peeled and my guard up.

I don’t want to live that way again.

Even for a day.

So I am going to do my best to enjoy the day. Be in the moment. Not worry about what may happen and how I’ll respond. Because I know that I’ll be okay regardless of what transpires. I’ve faced that dragon and slayed it. And, if I have to, I’ll slay it again. I’ve gotten pretty good at that particular battle.

And to my ex, if you are by some chance reading this, please stay home this weekend. I’d really appreciate it.

A Letter to My Ex

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Dear —–,

Fourteen years ago, I was preparing to marry you. I was so excited but, even more, I was so sure. Sure that we were so good together. Sure that we would continue to weather any storm. Sure that we would be together forever.

My belief in our marriage lasted until the day you left. I remember my shock, my disbelief so clearly. I couldn’t understand how you, my beloved husband, could do those things. Even now, four years later, I still don’t understand the choices you made. I suppose I never will.

In an instant, you went from the man I adored to a stranger I feared. In many ways, you have been dead to me since you left. I remember you as you were since I can’t comprehend what you’ve become. It’s almost as though you are two completely separate men to me — the one I was married to and the one who betrayed me. I just can’t understand how you could be both my protector and my persecutor.

Read the rest on The Huffington Post.

What is He?

Posted on by stilllearning2b

At the beginning, I looked for a label. I needed a label. I read The Sociopath Next Door. I combed the DSM. I held his history and his traits against checklists until my eyes blurred.

I wanted a label because I thought it would bring understanding. Closure.

I knew he wasn’t the man I loved. But, who was he? What was he?

I saw him as some monster. He must be, to be able to do those things.

As is so often the case, elements of each label: sociopath, narcissist, addict fit yet no one term seemed to fully explain him. The reading was useful; it gave me a vocabulary and a way of understanding. It provided perspective.

But it gave no real answers.

I still didn’t know why he did those things.

I was no closer to understanding what went wrong.

Because he is simultaneously both more and less than any of those diagnosis. Yes, his actions displayed elements of those labels. Yes, they are useful to discuss his behaviors. But they are not him. (Related: How to Apply Labels)

This Psychology Today article, that addresses the use of the label of “narcissist,” appeared in my reader this morning. It’s an interesting debate, especially as the terminology from the DSM leaves the closed quarters of the therapist’s office and enters society at large. See if you can tell who wrote the first comment that is quoted:) I especially like the author’s point about victimhood – that is something I realized as well along the way.

I eventually gave up on assigning him a diagnosis. They all seemed to paint him as two-dimensional, existing only in the pathology. They neglected to describe the man that was a wonderful husband for so many years. They ignored the man behind the mask of whatever illness or disorder or situation led him astray. They were too simplistic, too formulaic.

Regardless of what else he is, I’m happy now to simply call him my “ex.”

 

 

Blame – Continuing the Conversation

Posted on by stilllearning2b

So why do we play the blame game at the end of a marriage, assigning guilt like we’re tallying points in a shuffleboard match? Why does it have to turn into a bride vs. groom match with everyone taking sides?

The blame frequently starts within the dissolving union. One partner often holds the other responsible for the destruction of the marriage. They can be quick to list the faults and transgressions of their ex, pointing fingers at another as a way of avoiding having to look at themselves. This is frequently performed behind a shield of righteousness, painting the blaming spouse into a victim role where they have no responsibility for their own actions and their own happiness.

Not all blame comes from within. Some of the most painful and damaging blame comes from those outside the marriage who feel the need to pass judgment on its demise. Read the rest on The Huffington Post.

 

Three Years Ago Today

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Three years ago today, I sat in a courtroom with the man I had spent half of my life with.

Three years ago today, I looked at his face for any sign of the man I had loved.  I saw none.

Three years ago today, I sat alone in a hallway waiting for the attorneys to decide his fate and mine.

Three years ago today, I cried and shook with the realization that is was all over.

Three years ago today, I felt a heaviness lift as I cut the dead weight of him from my burden.

Three years ago today, I took my first steps as a single woman.

And now, three years on, I could not not be happier with where I am.

And, I could not be where I am without three years ago today.