Rewriting the End of a Relationship

Posted on by stilllearning2b

We often underestimate the power we have to change our own lives. Even when circumstances resist change, we can alter our perceptions and our responses. This is a piece I wrote for the Good Men Project about reframing the end of a relationship. About seeing the loss in a new light. About taking back the reigns and driving your own life. Read it and be inspired to rewrite the end of your relationship. Because every ending holds the seed to a new beginning.

Let it grow.

 

Rewriting the End of a Relationship

When a relationship ends, it is natural to focus on what is lost, to fully submerge in the heartache and mourn the departed. It is all too easy to become so mired in the sadness that the end of a relationship is extrapolated to mean the end of so much more. But that’s just your wounded heart speaking. And it has a tendency to exaggerate.

The End of a Relationship is Not…Read the rest at the Good Men Project

Releasing the Hook

Posted on by stilllearning2b

It is so hard to let go of the “what ifs” the “I should haves” and the “he/she is a $#%@#.” We know that progress is forward yet the rearview mirror often keeps our eyes off the road in front.

If you’re having trouble releasing the hook of the past, read this. I liked it and I think you will too.

To-Be List

Posted on by stilllearning2b

I would wager that barely a day goes by where you are not at least partially driven by a to-do list. Whether scribbled on a slip of paper, stored neatly in your phone’s database or merely a memorized inventory of all that you need to accomplish, you move from one task to another. As you cross each item off the list – laundry, gym, phone call to the bank – you feel a sense of accomplishment. But all too often, that feeling of achievement is short-lived as you look back down at the ever-growing list of tasks that need attending.

 

To-do lists are important. They keep us organized and productive. They help to maximize our time and ensure that necessary items are addressed.

 

To-do lists are important.

 

But they are not everything.

 

Because we are so much more than simply the tasks we accomplish. Our value is found more in who we are than in how much we can cross off in a day.

Learn how to be today!

How Your Belief in a Soul Mate is Holding You Back

Posted on by stilllearning2b

I’ve never been one to believe in soul mates. Even when my 22-year-old self said “I do” to the man I thought was perfect for me, I didn’t perceive him as “the one.”

And that idea may have saved me.

Because when the man-who-wasn’t-the-one decided to leave the marriage with a text message one day, I believed that I could create a happy marriage again and that I wasn’t merely a victim of fate.

There’s an allure to the idea of a soul mate, the belief that there is one person that is your perfect companion. The idea brings peace when relationships end (it’s over because he/she was not the one) and serves as a beacon of hope that everything will be okay once the right person enters your life.

We like the idea of a predestined partnership.

It’s romantic. It’s encouraging.

But it’s also limiting at its best and damaging at its worst.

 

 Here are five ways that your belief in a soul mate is holding you back.

Parting Gifts

Posted on by stilllearning2b

My ex made sure that I didn’t leave the marriage empty-handed.

No, he gave me a parting gift.

Or actually, gifts.

And they keep on giving.

 

He left me with several unpaid (and unknown) debts in my name as well as an unpaid mortgage on the house he obtained in the divorce.

I thought I knew about all his gifts, but it turns out there was one (oh please, let it be only the one!) hidden for later discovery.

 

I finished paying off the last of the debt in my name last month after a generous gift from my father. Last night, I logged on to Credit Karma to check to see if the account had been marked as “paid.”

It had. But something else caught my eye.

It turns out my ex never made the last four payments on his car after the divorce. Yeah, the car he also obtained in the decree. Oh, and it goes without saying that my name was on that note as well.

I really hope karma was paying attention and notified the bank of his location so they could repossess the thing.

The part that makes me the angriest? My car is on its last legs and he got the “good” car and didn’t even pay for it.

Not that he’s paid for anything.

Sorry, frustrated today.

 

It’s the rare person that escapes divorce without some parting gifts.

For many of you, negotiating the custody and care of the kids is a constant source of stress.

Others are like me and face the ongoing financial burdens from divorce.

There can be ongoing health issues, employment concerns, housing difficulties.

Divorce certainly keeps on giving long after the papers are signed.

 

Amidst the frustrations of the night, I have some celebrations.

For the first time since the divorce, I was able to fully immerse myself in my credit report without any anxiety. Whereas before, I would either avoid looking or flood with anger and fear, this time I was able to be detached and unemotional. For the first time, I actually feel the hope. I’ve paid off everything I need to and, starting in 2015, the negative marks will fall off my record for the next few years. I can’t wait for the day when the only sign of him on my credit report is found in my former name.

This is also the first month in years where I do not have to make a payment on an account that paid for the honeymoon with the other wife and assorted other (and unknown) betrayals. My paycheck is mine.

I also am more aware than ever that the divorce was a gift. Even if it was wrapped in some pretty heinous packaging.