divorce

Comparison Shopping in Relationships

Posted on October 11, 2014March 6, 2024 by stilllearning2b

Whenever I introduce a new math concept, I begin my comparing it to something they already know. It helps to anchor their understanding to examine the similarities and recognizing the differences helps them deepen their understanding of the new topic.

Comparison is natural. Adaptive. It is a tool that our minds use to help sort information and make sense of our world.

But that tool can sometimes turn on us.

And instead of helping us construct meaning, comparison turns on us and brings feelings of inadequacy and scarcity.

We all suffer needlessly at times when we compare our lives to the lives of those around us. When we believe that the grass is always greener rather than watering our own lawns. It’s such a common response that it even earned its way into the top ten list of sins.

But there’s another kind of comparison that often sneaks in after divorce and undermines our happiness: the comparison of a new date to your ex.

Again, comparison is natural. Adaptive. By holding a new person up to your ex, you can easily see the manifestation of traits you want/ don’t want again in a partner.

But it can also turn on you, leaving you pining for the past and unable to accept the present as it is.

It keeps you stuck. Gives you an excuse to stay safe and impenetrable.

It can happen silently, as you measure your current beau against the last even while continuing to act as though you are fully in the present. Sometimes, it may slip through your lips as you verbalize some area where past and present are different. Or, all too often, it exists on a subconscious level, a slight hum of dissatisfaction that can undermine the new relationship.

If you find yourself comparison shopping for a new relationship, try these strategies to change your thoughts:

Recognize when it happens. The first step to changing any habit is to be aware of it when it occurs.

Affirm that different only means different, not better or worse. We tend to fear the unknown and perceive change as always trending towards the inferior. But different is just different. And it is always uncomfortable at first.

Interrupt the thought. The more you allow your thoughts to follow a particular path, the more worn and easily tread the path will become. Stop the comparison thoughts when they happen and don’t allow the pattern to ingrain.

Focus on the positive differences. Make a list of all the ways your new partner is better than the old. Write it down to make it real. If you find yourself measuring a negative, shift the thought to, “Yes he/she isn’t as …. as my ex; however, he/she is so much better at ….”

Understand that developed can’t compare to embryonic. If you are in the early stages of a relationship, do not compare it to a mature relationship with its associated vulnerabilities and intimacies. Apples and oranges.

Fill the cavities. If there is something that your ex provided that your current relationship does not, seek another way to fill the void. Loved to watch foreign films with the ex and new beau prefers action flicks? Find someone else to meet your love for foreign films. No one person will meet all of your needs and as you transition from one relationship to another, you will have to shift what needs are met elsewhere.

Recognize that the past is rose-colored. It’s easy to paint the past as perfect when its sweaty socks aren’t strewn across the floor of your present existence. Don’t compare reality to a dream. You’ll never be satisfied.

How to Air Your Dirty Laundry

Posted on October 9, 2014March 6, 2024 by stilllearning2b

I often receive messages from people who are contemplating starting a blog documenting their own divorce journey. They are usually nervous about discussing such personal detail in a public forum (me too!). And they have questions for me. Sometimes really good concerns, like the ones below.

Here’s my advice for those contemplating a divorce blog. I’m no expert. I screw things up a lot. But I do have several years experience now sharing my personal life with others (Why I Write).

Frankly, I’m kinda nervous to go through my writings and remember things I’m happy to have forgotten.

Yeah, it sucks. I cried a ton while writing the book and I’m still known to cry while writing (or even re-reading) certain blog posts. But it’s cleansing. The writing helps the processing and the repetition helps lessen the sting. We often want to hide from the pain, to pretend we are healed before we really are. If you read it and it still bothers you, you’re still holding on to the pain. The only way to truly heal is to go through it.

I’m nervous about looking pathetic and/or vengeful and/or vindictive

Some people will always read you that way. You should see some of my HuffPost hate mail. I finally realized that it’s their own garbage talking. But most people reading you will be going through their own divorce and they’ll get it. Trust me, we’ve all had some pretty powerful revenge fantasies. Don’t slander but also don’t be afraid to speak the truth of your emotions.

Over-sharing (maybe somewhat related to the above). there are things that divorced people fantasize that I assume would horrify the general public.

Create your own boundaries and stick to them. For example, I’ll share anything about my ex/former marriage (except his identity – read why) but I’m much more careful with my current marriage; much of that is off the table. As for the content, I’m not afraid to speak the brutal, harsh truth. It’s reality sometimes. An important note here – if your divorce is not final, most attorneys will tell you not to share publicly.

Something about letting sleeping dogs lie

I thought about that one myself once I entered into a stable relationship and had done most of the healing. However, I realized that it’s important for those of who have made it through and are willing to share our stories: beginning, middle and hopefully not-the-end.

The possibility that repercussions could involve her posting her own commentary that escalates things in a public forum.

It’s a risk. I don’t worry about that since mine has a felony warrant – it makes a nice “gag order” 🙂 Always assume that anything you write online (even if posted anonymously) can (and most likely will) be found by your ex and his/her family. If you have kids, they may see it too. Keep that in mind.

Since my documentation is almost exclusively emails to various people or gchats or text message, it is very personal and colored with visceral anguish. i wouldn’t know how to turn these into something along the lines of a palatable blog.

Just write. It’ll shape itself over time as you find your voice.

However, going with a “just the facts ma’am” approach, i’d fear being too cut-and-dried/black and white/matter-of-fact/sterile, and where is the catharsis in that?

People respond more to emotion. Let your fingers be a conduit for your feelings.

Getting my facts messed up (he-said-she-said, second-hand communication, etc.)

Don’t worry about it. All memory is fallible.

Writing is one of the most effective strategies for dealing with divorce and loss. Sharing your story add another dimension: dialog with others, the sense of being part of a community and an opportunity to help people in a similar situation. However, sharing is not without risk. Make sure you plan ahead before you hang your dirty laundry out to dry on the internets.

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Memories and Moments

Posted on October 9, 2014October 9, 2014 by stilllearning2b

This morning marks one year since I said “I do” again.

Even though I always knew I wanted to be married again, it was still a scary decision to actually do it.

To take that risk.

To be vulnerable.

But I am so glad that I did.

We celebrated our anniversary this past Friday with a room on the 55th floor of the Westin downtown. As we watched the Atlanta traffic from the vantage point of our room, I told Brock about my obsession with the fluid dynamics theory of traffic, a viewpoint my ex always teased me about. Brock not only didn’t make fun of me, he agreed. And we even had some fun watching and observing the arterial flow from 600 feet above.

Later that night, after an amazing dinner at the Sun Dial, we watched some of Princess Bride from our bed. That was my favorite movie in high school and one my ex and I watched countless times together. And Brock didn’t even get mad at me for quoting the entire movie. Inconceivable.

I realized much of what I mourned at the end of the first marriage was not so much the loss of him but the loss of the shared history. The memories and the moments.

And what I’m now realizing is that those memories and moments can be built again. That they can exist apart from my ex.

That I didn’t lose as much as I thought.

And that what I have gained is worth more than what is gone.

I believe in marking moments. In recognizing landmarks and anniversaries. It’s a way of remembering. Of experiencing gratitude. And celebrating the good.

It’s a reminder to treasure the moments because someday they may only be memories.

Thank you all for all the kind words about Tuesday’s post. I hope the kiddos and fuzzballs enjoyed the extra love. I know mine did.

When You Shouldn’t Forgive

Posted on October 7, 2014October 7, 2014 by stilllearning2b

We are told that to err is human; to forgive is divine.

But is that always the case?

Are there times when forgiveness actually harms you rather than setting you free?

Read the article. It made me think. What does it say to you?

For all that culturally we admire the ability to forgive—it’s associated with magnanimity, spiritual growth, and, of course, religiosity—it remains a somewhat thorny issue from a psychological point of view. In layman’s terms, the ability to forgive is widely seen as evidence of how high humans rank in the chain of being—animals don’t forgive, after all—so it conveys a moral superiority. But from a psychological point of view, two key questions remain: Why do humans forgive and, when they do, how do they hope to benefit? Read the rest on Psychology Today.

I know one of the reasons that I chose and have been able to forgive my ex is that he is not a presence in my life. I’m forgiving a memory of a person rather than actual flesh and blood. I don’t know if I would have made the same choice if he was still an active participant in my life.