Five Healthy Ways to Fill the Void After Divorce (And What to Look Out For!)

Posted on by stilllearning2b

From the chilled and vacant bed to the endless evening hours to the loss of a trusted confidant, the void left in your life after divorce can be both vast and agonizing. The emptiness begs to be filled, the cracks call for smoothing over and you try to distract yourself from staring too long at the vastness of the crater in your life.

Watch Out For These Unhealthy Ways to Fill the Void-

In an attempt to soothe the initial pain from divorce, many of us first turn to one or more of the following unhealthy (and ultimately ineffectual) methods of trying to fill the vacuum:

Filling Your Belly to Try to Fill Your Heart

 

When you’re feeling gutted and vacuous, it can be natural to turn to food for relief, mistaking the temporary physical fullness for emotional satiety. There is a very real link between emotions and food – we often speak of “comfort foods,” bring food to those in mourning and bond with others over a meal. Yet the real comfort comes less from the sustenance and more from the nourishment of the connection with others.

When you attempt to feed an emotional hunger with food, you will never be completely satisfied because you are addressing the wrong area of need. Repeatedly turning to food may have a detrimental impact on your health and will also serve to widen the disconnect between your mind and body.

Avoiding Reality With Alcohol or Drugs

 

Emptiness is uncomfortable. A sense of free falling through space is frightening. In those dark and lonely hours when you’re alone and worried that you’ll always be alone, it can be tempting to numb the pain and quiet the fear through chemistry.

And there will be relief in the moment, those blissful moments where you are able to forget reality and embrace a dream world. Yet reality always bursts back in, throwing open the door and blinding you with its harshness. Trying to avoid it only delays the inevitable confrontation and acceptance.

Bolstering Confidence With Shopping

 

It’s no wonder that shopping is a common pastime for those that are feeling down – the hunt of a good bargain and the acquisition of new baubles rewards us with a feel-good burst of dopamine. Those who have experienced an esteem hit after infidelity and/or divorce can be especially drawn to the appeal of covering the vulnerable skin with fancy clothes, new cars or a designer house.

Shopping gives us an opportunity to briefly occupy a fantasy world where the advertisements and markers have us convinced that material goods are associated with a particular life. But the thrill is always temporary, the boost short-lived. Chasing the tail of this dragon can ultimately be devastating to both your wallet and your well-being.

Distracting From the Pain by Dating

When you’re facing the heartbreak and the hollowness that follows the end of a relationship, there can be a powerful craving to experience the excitement and potential of new partnerships (even if they only last the night). Giving in to this desire too soon is like going to the grocery store hungry; you are not going to be able to make good decisions.

Additionally, when you’re still vulnerable, dating can often serve to highlight the void you feel as you realize that this person in front of you is really a stranger and that your early feelings are more hope and projection than actuality. It’s often better to wait to re-enter the dating scene until that compulsive desire to replace your partner has faded.

Passing the Time By Consuming Media

 

What is easiest is often not what is best for us. And nowhere in modern culture is this more apparent than in the consumption of media. In a moment of loneliness, we may turn to Facebook for the sense of connection, yet studies show that browsing the platform leaves people feeling even more isolated. When we’re feeling low, we easily give in to a Netflix binge, expecting to feel more rested. When instead, television (especially when consumed in binges), only intensifies feelings of sadness and fatigue.

Instead, Try These to Fill the Void – 

The previous strategies may work for a short period of time but ultimately, they will cause more harm than good as they prevent you from healing the wound from within. Instead of leaning on those quick fixes in an attempt to fill the void left from divorce, try building yourself up through the following strategies. Be patient – these methods may take longer to work than the unhealthier ones, but their results are lasting and authentic.

Finding Purpose Through Work

 

With divorce, you lose one of your major life roles, that of husband or wife. It can be an uncanny feeling as you wonder what position you now occupy and what purpose you now serve. Depending upon your particular circumstances, this can be an opportunity to allocate more of your energy into your career.

You may find that the changes in your life allow you to take bigger risks or to break out of your standard mold. Changes in your home life may have given you extra time to commit to your job or financial matters may necessitate that you undertake a new endeavor.

Often, when you’re feeling like a failure in your personal life, successes at work take on even greater meaning. Use this opportunity to recommit or reinvent your work persona. Strive to carve out a position where you feel needed, appreciated and interested.

 

Building Strength and Poise Through Movement

 

Divorce has a way of making you feel weak. Powerless. And exercise in any form is an excellent way to begin to reclaim your strength and feeling of control over your life. The best form of exercise to undertake is the one that you enjoy and that you can pledge yourself to.

It’s harder to feel powerless when you accomplish the goals you have set for yourself. It’s harder to feel vulnerable when you feel the increase in your performance capacity from week to week. As you throw yourself into movement, focusing on form and breath, the void no longer seems so vast or so dark.

If you’re struggling with sadness and isolation during unstructured hours, use exercise to build a framework around those times. If you flounder without accountability, sign up for group or team exercise so that you have others to answer to. And if you’re feeling disconnected from your body, opt for yoga or weight training so that you can again reconnect with yourself.

 

 

Reclaiming Vitality Through a Passion Project

 

What endeavor encourages you into a state of flow, where your entire focus is on what is at hand and time seems to stop? What activity did you used to enjoy in your youth or dream about turning into a career? What is something that you have always been curious about trying but practicality and circumstances have stopped you? These are hints about your passions, your interests that both consume you and fuel you.

The period after divorce provides a wonderful opportunity for pursuing or restoring a passion project. I know of people who have picked up the violin again, started stand-up comedy, written a book or chartered a non-profit charity. Others, selecting a more physical approach, sign up for a marathon or strive to earn the next belt level in Jiu Jitsu.

The “what” matters less than the enthusiasm you have for the enterprise. When you throw yourself into something that you enjoy and find success in, you breathe life back into the hole in your heart. When you’re passionate about something, you focus more on creation rather than any residual emptiness.

 

Rising By Lifting Others

 

When we’re feeling alone and eviscerated by divorce, we can easily become a captive of our own minds. The thoughts cycle and the self-pity begins to grow in our emotional isolation. Perhaps the best way to both put problems in perspective and help jettison us from our thoughts is by empowering others.

If you have children, strive to help them become strong, independent and compassionate people. Reach out to your friends and family that are in need and find ways to help to liberate them from their struggles. Help strangers through your church or a volunteer organization, selflessly sending positivity into the world. If you find people overwhelming, consider helping by adopting an abandoned pet or volunteering in an animal shelter.

Giving to others helps you feel better about yourself and also allows you to shift your focus away from your pain. As you give to others, you will find that paradoxically, you become filled yourself.

 

Generating Legacy Through Creation

Some of the most beautiful and lasting art, music and prose has been born of heartbreak. Even if you’re not destined to be the next Shakespeare or next year’s Beyoncé, you can still use your pain as an impetus for creation.

Even if it never sees the light of day, the mere act of using your sorrow as a conduit through your medium of choice helps to transform your relationship with the heartache. As you create, you’re building scaffolding throughout that void left from divorce. Scaffolding that you can then use to begin to climb your way out of the darkness.

Four Surprising Emotions You May Experience When You’ve Been Cheated On

Posted on by stilllearning2b
cheated on

Shock?

Check.

 

Anger?

In droves.

 

Sadness?

The tears were surely a testament to that.

 

Fear of what was to come?

In every moment.

 

Before I had been on the receiving end of infidelity, I imagined that I would respond to the news that someone had cheated on me with anger, misery and a deep sense of betrayal. And when I did eventually encounter infidelity, those anticipated feelings were definitely present. But they weren’t alone.

These four emotions caught me by surprise after I was cheated on:

 

Relief

 

When evidence of a jewelry purchase appeared on the account activity, the first emotion I experienced was one of relief. For months, I had been experiencing an undercurrent of anxiety, a low-level hum that indicated that something in my life wasn’t calibrated correctly. My then-husband’s sudden exit with a brusque text message confirmed that my subconscious was indeed onto something. Yet, it was only with the discovery of the affair in the days after the text, that the pieces began to fall into place.

 

Relief is the last emotion I would have expected to feel upon the discovery that my husband was cheating. Yet the sense of release was unmistakable. I felt reassured that I wasn’t going crazy; the cause of my anxiety was finally revealed. Even as I struggled to accept the horrific truths, I found comfort in the fact that they had been brought to light. After all, an adversary you can see is less frightening than the one hiding in the shadows.

 

It is often the case that the betrayed partner has a sense that something is wrong in the marriage. However, due to the cheating partner’s efforts to keep their transgressions hidden and the betrayed spouse’s fear of facing the truth, it can be difficult to pinpoint exactly what is amiss. The discovery of the affair is conformation that something is wrong and it helps to provide an explanation for the words and actions that may have been misaligned.

 

The discovery of an affair is sickening, a sucker-punch to the heart that may well bring you to your knees. Yet alongside the grief and anger, you may just find yourself relieved to finally know the truth. There is pain, but now it is in the light.

 

 

Sympathy

 

I had no reason to feel sorry for him.

 

He had been lying for years, stealing my money, my heart and my trust. He ended the marriage in the most cruel and cowardly manner possible and then led a fabrication-fueled offensive against me in court. One the one hand, I hated him, this man who had turned from my protector to my persecutor. Yet at the same time, I felt sympathy for him, the man whom I had loved and wanted to see happy.

 

I envisioned him lost, hurting and confused. I wanted to provide comfort, reassurance. I simply couldn’t shut off all of the concern that I held for him; caring for him was a deeply-ingrained habit if nothing else.  And then reality would intrude again, and the empathy and compassion would be replaced with indignation and a desire for justice.  

 

As is common with cheaters and abusers, he tried to cultivate sympathy, both from me and from others. His hand held several victim cards, and he played them carefully, both to distract from his actions and to gain favor for his benefit. Interestingly, this “poor me” act had the opposite effect on me; the more he tried to garner commiseration, the less I felt sorry for him.

 

Many cheaters cry crocodile tears and make pleas of “needing to find their happiness” in an attempt to continue their actions and to continue to avoid the consequences. They may bring up stories of childhood trauma, times they have been betrayed or claim misery at work or home. If these appeals for sympathy are unaccompanied by a claim of responsibility for their choices, they are using your kindness and tendency to nurture against you.

 

From an outsider’s perspective, sympathy for the betrayer makes no sense. Yet from the inside, the emotional response is often not so clear-cut.  After all, this was a person whom you loved. You’re probably struggling to understand how they could do these things to you and you may see them as operating under extreme duress, as though their own mind was holding a gun to their back, ordering these out-of-character actions. They may even be using your sympathy to manipulate you, knowing that if you feel compassion towards them, you’ll be less likely to enforce consequences.

 

In the beginning, you may find yourself swinging between a need to make them pay and a desire to soothe their pain. In the long run, you can find a balance between sympathy and rage. From a place of detached compassion, you can begin to find peace and some sense of understanding while maintaining the necessary boundaries that will keep you safe.

 

 

Self-doubt

 

“Living with her was impossible,” my then-husband expressed about me in an email to my mother. “She was always negative and nothing was ever enough for her.” Even though I knew his words were woven from fabrications and projections, they still filled me with a sense of doubt. Was I always negative? Was I impossible to live with?

 

I learned that he had long ago paved the way for his friends to believe his version. At work, he told outrageous (and completely invented) stories of my transgressions and irrational demands. Further complicating matters, upon learning about his rapid and covert exit, others assumed that I must have done something terrible in order for him to act in such an extreme manner.

 

I knew all of these claims were false. I had years of emails, notes and photos to counteract many of the lies and countless friends and coworkers that fully had my back. His lies rose to absurd levels and often contradicted each other.

 

Yet still I wondered. Somehow still believing his self-serving lies even in the face of evidence to the contrary.

 

Because that’s the power of gaslighting. It turns your world upside down while you’re simultaneously being told that you’re just seeing things. It plants seeds of doubt deep within your brain that spread their tenacious tendrils of uncertainty months and even years into the future.

 

Gaslighting is frequently used as a manipulation tactic to try to distract from and excuse an affair. In addition to the self-confidence blow delivered by being rejected, gaslighting can lead to a major crisis in your ability to trust yourself and your perceptions. So you can find yourself in the crazy-making place of questioning your own character when it was your spouse that made the decision to betray the vows.

 

 

Mania

 

I pursued the facts with the tenacity of a dog attempting to reach the last bit of peanut butter from the bottom of the jar. Nights found me at my computer instead of my bed, diligently building a case against my husband until it filled the better part of a large plastic bin.

 

As the court process slowly made its way to a conclusion, I transferred my energy to running. Then, to dating. And once I found a groove there, I focused my endless energy on moving into an apartment and creating my new space.

 

Others questioned where I found the reserves to keep moving. I questioned if I would ever be able to stop. I felt consumed by this manic and all-consuming energy, an unexpected side effect of the betrayal and abandonment.

 

Post-divorce mania is characterized by an increase in energy accompanied by an intensity of focus. It’s a compelling drive, a sense of being propelled by an internal motor that refuses to idle. It often has an obsessive quality, focusing on one thing to the exclusion of all else.

 

This mania is initiated by a fear of slowing down and feeling too much. It’s maintained because it’s compulsive nature feeds our dopamine receptors, keeping us coming back for more. It’s a side effect of the need for action, the gas pedal to the floor and the steering misaligned.

 

Like with any mania, it’s hard to see the bigger picture while you’re in it. Especially because it feels better than being sad and powerless. And also like any mania, it’s unbalanced. Too much yang and not enough yin.

 

Ultimately, there is no “right” way to feel after betrayal. The emotions will be strong and sometimes unexpected. They will tumble over each other and trip you up in the process. You’ll have moments of overwhelming pain and glimpses of radiant hope. And most importantly, no matter how overwhelming or surprising those emotions are, you WILL make it through.

 

 

 

7 Vital Lessons Divorce Teaches Children

Posted on by stilllearning2b
children

I was in elementary school when my parents divorced and my dad moved out. I remember being confused – how could a family suddenly be not-a-family? I was sad – not only did I miss my dad, but I saw that mom was hurting. And I was ashamed, concerned that somehow my friends would judge me and my family because of the split. As I grew older, I began to internalize some of the events and developed a feeling that I wasn’t enough.

There’s no doubt about it, their divorce impacted me.

And not all of the effects were negative.

In fact, I now credit their divorce (and the way it was handled with me) with being the source for some of the most important messages I received in childhood.

I know that divorce is the last thing you ever wanted your children to experience. But there are ways to make the best of it.

Seven Vital Lessons Divorce Teaches Children

From the first moment you gazed into your newborn’s eyes, a need to protect them from all harm has permeated your every cell.   Yet no matter how deftly you wield your shield, you cannot block all of life’s slings and arrows from reaching your child. And for many children, their parent’s divorce is the first major emotional injury they face.

It’s difficult to watch your child suffer. Their pain ricochets through you like an unreturned racquetball in an empty court. You feel helpless as your normal platitudes and kisses fail to sooth this particular wound and guilty that you failed to protect them in the first place.

It’s easy to focus on the harm that divorce brings to children. After all, it’s no secret that the dissolution of a household is traumatic to all of its inhabitants and that children have a tendency to internalize and personalize the marital issues around them. Yet pain is not the only offering from divorce; it also provides opportunity. The following are seven vital lessons that children can learn through divorce:

1 – Loss Is a Part of Life; We Inhale Love and Exhale Grief

Everyone remembers their first major loss – whether it was the death of a childhood pet, the passing of a grandparent or the separation of their parents. This manner in which a child’s first experience with grief is handled sets the stage for how loss is perceived for the rest of their lives.

Divorce provides an opportunity for children to begin to accept that life is filled with beginnings and endings. It is an occasion for them to become familiar with the particular nature of grief as they learn to ride its ebbs and flows.

It is a classroom of sorts, a time for teaching about the importance of remembrance and ritual and for discovering the power in letting go. It can be a time for learning that it’s okay to feel all of the emotions. And also to not feel anything at all.

Divorce is a time of rending, yet it also can be a time of sewing the guiding threads into the fabric of your children’s spirits. Let this experience give them the courage and the wisdom to face life’s other hardships and unavoidable losses.

2 – Change Is Inevitable and Always Awkward at First

 

I remember being so sure – “I will ALWAYS love Cabbage Patch dolls.” “I will want waffles for breakfast for EVER and EVER.” And of course, as I told my friend confidently one day, “My parents will NEVER divorce.”

And then inevitably, my interest for dolls was traded for an enthusiasm for pop stars, I grew tired of waffles and my parents split up. Because, as I was beginning to learn, change is a certainty.

Kids (and most adults) struggle with change. They become irritable or withdrawn as they adapt to a new school or even a new teacher. They grapple with the transformations of their friends and friend-groups as the years progress. When the hormones hit and the growth spurts stretch their limbs, they rattle around in their new bodies until they finally settle in.

Divorce is a time for acknowledging the challenge that accompanies change, as the whole family learns to navigate a new reality. It is an opportunity to address the constancy of transformation and the balance of learning when to steer and when to let go. When the focus becomes more on adaptation rather than resistance, change becomes easier. And it’s possible to dance even before you’ve fully found your sea-legs.

3 – Humans Are Fallible (and Parents Are Human)

 

Like many kids, I put my parents right up there with Wonder Woman and Superman when I was little. They were all-powerful, always knew just what to do and could do no wrong. And then one day, my father sat me down and told me he was moving out. Which meant that somehow my parents didn’t have everything figured out.

I remember becoming fascinated with the hidden internal life of the adults around me. I started to catch the little twitch of uncertainty in my teacher’s eye as she disciplined the class troublemaker. I noticed the tinge of fear on my doctor’s face as she escorted a family back into the waiting room. And I became aware of the sadness and hesitancy within my own parents as they ended their marriage.

In some ways, learning that adults didn’t know everything was a scary realization, as the metaphorical safety net lost some of its bindings. Yet it was also comforting to discover that I wasn’t expected to undergo some sort of super hero training before I could obtain my adult status.

Divorce is a window for children into the lives of adults. It’s a time to normalize the human experience and remove the shadow of shame that can follow on the heels of a perceived failure. During divorce, you can not only show your children that you’re human, you can give them permission to imperfect as well.

4 – Wishes Are Not Enough and You Can’t Control the Way the Wind Blows

 

“Close your eyes and make a wish,” we’re told every year through childhood. Later, we’re cautioned that if we reveal the desire, it won’t come true. But we’re rarely told the truth that wishing isn’t enough and that there are some things that we cannot influence.

Kids often grapple with understanding the difference between wanting something and having something. They can’t yet comprehend the limits of budget or the constraints implied by time and distance. This same illusion of desire can easily follow divorce, as children believe that they can bring their parents back together through mere will alone.

It’s a painful awareness, that simply wanting something to be true cannot make it so. Yet, it’s a valuable lesson and one better delivered early in life. Because the sooner a child understands the limits of their influence, the sooner they can begin focusing on tuning the instruments within their own orchestra.

 

 

5 – When You Own Your Own Stuff, Nobody Else Can Own You

 

Your kids learn from watching you.

When they see you implement and uphold boundaries, refusing to be the doormat for some else’s dirty shoes, they learn that it’s okay to say “No.” When they witness you being gracious in spite of pain, they begin to understand the power of kindness. When they watch you take a deep breath and take a big leap, they learn that you can act in spite of fear. When they notice that you avoid blaming their other parent and instead you find a way to make it work, they learn the limitations of victimhood.

During the uncertainty and sorrow of divorce, you can teach your children the power of choosing how you respond. You can model for them how much a reaction – or non-reaction – can alter a situation. And you can help them learn to take the responsibility for their own choices and responses because once they can do that, they can do anything.

 

 

6 – Life Can Be Hard, but It Goes On

 

When learning about their parent’s upcoming divorce, many kids first response is a question, “But will [my birthday, Six Flags, my recital, etc.] still happen?” Part of this comes from the natural self-centeredness of children and part of comes from their need to know that their life, even if it looks somewhat different, will still continue.

Divorce provides an opportunity for children to learn that life, although difficult at times, still goes on. The dog still needs to be fed, the homework must still be completed and summer vacation is still on the horizon. Life is a series of moments. Some bring smiles and some bring tears. And there’s always another moment waiting in the wings.

 

 

7 – A Parent’s Love is Bigger Than the Sky

“If you can fall out of love with daddy, can you fall out of love with me?”

Those were the words my client’s daughter uttered after learning about the upcoming divorce.

“Never. A parent’s love for their child is special. It is bigger than sky and deeper than the deepest ocean. It goes on further than the furthest telescope can see and shines brighter than brightest star. I know a lot of things have changed, but my love for you never will.”

And right there, in those words, is the biggest lesson you can give your child through divorce. That no matter what, you will always love them.

5 Things You Don’t Understand About Divorce Until You’ve Lived Through It

Posted on by stilllearning2b

I thought I knew about divorce. When I was in elementary school, I weathered my own parents’ divorce, observing their reactions from the sidelines. I felt the loss, the change in family structure. I experienced the strange vacancies of a split – the blank spots on the walls where my dad’s pictures once hung and the empty seat in the family camping van.

I thought I knew about divorce. I read my mom’s seemingly endless supply of self-help books, important resources for her career as a marriage and family therapist. I digested countless case studies and thumbed through endless nuggets of wisdom and advice for an enduring marriage.

I thought I knew about divorce. So I chose a husband that showed me copious amounts of affection and seemed at ease communicating about emotional matters. After we weathered various storms, I was convinced that divorce was something that could never happen to us. Until it did.

I thought I knew about divorce. Until it happened to me. And I realized how little I knew. Because there are some things you only learn about divorce once you’ve lived through it.

1. Divorce Leaves No Stone Unturned

Before living it, I had always viewed divorce as analogous to a friend moving away – there’s the initial loss, the lingering loneliness and the need to fill the newly-formed void. What I neglected to understand is the sheer vastness of the impact of divorce.

It touches everything.

It’s the friend moving away, the home being destroyed by a rogue forest fire and the loss of health and sanity. A stranger jettisoned in a strange land, unable to speak the language. All while you’re losing your closest confidant and doubting your own decisions. And that’s not even addressing the shame of failure and the judgment of others.

Your family is fractured, perhaps alliances formed and relationships severed. Children are unsure and needy or defiant and acting out. Divorce changes your body as the signs of stress show on your face and your appetite is affected by the strain. Your routines alter as they reform around the missing person and even something as innocuous as an evening Netflix show takes on a greater meaning. Your job is impacted as your mind wanders and you have to spend your lunch break emailing your attorney. Your home, if you’re still in it, is at once sanctuary and mausoleum.

Divorce is far more than simply a change in family structure. It’s a reorganization of your entire life. Your entire self. It’s a massive transformation. A time when everything is called into question and nothing is certain.

It’s also an opportunity. A crack in the bedrock allowing a change in course, an alteration of spirit. You can stay at rock bottom. Or you can choose to build.

2. Your Emotions Will Be in Conflict

Your spouse cheats, you’re angry. They leave, you’re sad. They move on with somebody else, you’re jealous. It all seemed so straightforward until I experienced it myself.

When I received the text that ended my first marriage, my first response was disbelief. Then shock. Then concern for him. Followed by blind rage. Then pragmatism took hold. Until the uncontrollable sobbing started.

And that was only the first ten minutes.

The reality of the emotional onslaught is much messier and much less predicable than anyone can imagine. Overwhelming loss enters the ring against an unspoken sense of relief. Blinding rage battles with compassion and a memory of love once shared. Moments of sheer joy rise unexpectedly like the opening of a shaken soda only to be trailed by a sudden jolt of reality.

The reality is that there is no one way you’re supposed to feel. All of these strong and conflicting emotions are normal when enduring divorce. And they’re all valid. It’s possible to hate someone and still miss them. We’re capable of feeling anger and empathy. It’s okay to have moments of bliss even while the tears are still drying on your face.

3. You Cannot Prepare For or Control Everything

If you had asked me prior to my divorce how one should approach the process, I would have been full of pragmatic (and naïve) advice. It seemed pretty clear cut – talk things out with your ex and make decisions that are fair to both, limit the legal counsel sought and seek to be friendly throughout the entire ordeal.

Which is not how things happened.

Throughout the entire divorce process, I felt like a tennis shoe thrown into the washing machine, being tossed about at will and completely submerged in the process. I was accustomed to being in control of my life and my surroundings and the divorce was a rude awakening to how little influence I really had.

You can try to anticipate how you, your ex or your children will respond. You can make plans for how you think the process will proceed. You can spend months researching your options and making informed decisions.

But at the end of the day, you have no control over the outcome and limited skills in predicting the future. And that can be a difficult – yet freeing – truth to accept.

4. Some Days You Will Feel Like a Failure

Even though my rational brain does not interpret divorce as a failure, my emotional self still experiences shame around the end of my own marriage. I find that I am quick to offer the extenuating circumstances that made divorce the only logical solution and absolve me of the bulk of the responsibility.

When I hear people claim that “divorce is not an option,” I feel both angry and foolish that I allowed myself to be put into a situation where it became the only option. Even though it became the best thing that ever happened to me.

No matter your circumstances and your larger feelings surrounding your divorce, there will be days where you feel like a failure, like you’ve been branded as someone who gives up too easily or perhaps doesn’t know how to compromise. Sometimes these feelings spontaneously arise from within and sometimes they’re compounded by external judgment.

Instead of allowing the guilt and shame to tell you you’re a failure, funnel them into learning how you can do better going forward. You’re not a failure for getting divorce; you’re only defeated if you allow it to get the better of you.

5. It Will Be All-Consuming….Until It Isn’t

I kind of feel like I need to send an apology note to everyone I came in contact with during my divorce –

“I’m sorry that I told you way too much of my personal business and probably made you uncomfortable in the process.”

But at the same time, I’m not sorry. It was a brief period where all sense of political correctness and social niceties were shed and real, although brief, connections were formed over my shared intimacies.

For months, my divorce – and my ex’s shenanigans – were my defining characteristics. It was the first thing friends enquired about and the first thing on my mind when I awoke. Everything reminded me of him or what I had lost in the process.

And then a day came where I didn’t think about the divorce, my ex or my losses. And then another day followed shortly after. Instead of being the most important feature in my life, it became simply part of my backstory.

When you’re in the midst of it, divorce feels never ending. Yet eventually, it omnipresence wears thin as it overstays its welcome. New experiences and new people begin to layer new memories atop the old and the pain fades into the distance. Divorce will always be a part of your story, but it will no longer be your defining feature.

6 Unique Ways to Use Journaling For Divorce Recovery

Posted on by stilllearning2b
recovery

The need for me was primal.

My mind was overfull of questioning and virulent thoughts. At first, I tried to hold them in, but their toxic and tenacious nature burned further holes into my heart. They weren’t meant for public consumption, yet I knew I had to find some way to purge them from my  mind and from my body.

The first journal entry was ugly. The hateful and hurting words screamed so loudly through the pen that they pierced several pages and imprinted through a dozen more. The pages were further marred by the endless tears that smeared the ink as soon as it was laid down. The resulting effect was as brutish and incomprehensible as the end of my marriage.

Finally spent, I allowed the pen to drop to the floor as I reassumed the familiar fetal position in the corner of my bed. In some ways, I felt a little better. It reminded me of the hole drilled into my childhood fingernail, crushed by a falling piece of lumber, to allow the pressure from the trapped fluid to release.

But much like that passage through the nail was only one part of the healing process, simply unleashing the ugly thoughts onto the paper was only part of the divorce recovery exercise.

If I was going to make it through, I was going to have to try something different.

Here are six unique and innovative ways that you can use journaling as part of your divorce recovery process.

I promise none of them require the use of a drill:)

1) The Three-Part Journal

For this journal, begin by locating a three-part spiral notebook or create a file on your technology that has three distinct sections. You can write as often as you like for as long as you like. There is only one guideline – whenever you write, start in the first section and finish in the third.

The first section is all about the past. This is where you purge the pain, letting it all out on the page without censorship or judgment. Don’t think too much about what you’re writing, simply let it flow.

The middle portion is about the present. Use this space to explore the issues that are currently troubling you. Unlike the first section, which is all emotion, this is a time to try to bring some rational thought and problem solving into the practice. This portion easily lends itself to lists and bullet points. Along with breaking down issues, you can also use this area to express gratitude for what you are currently thankful for in your life.

The final subdivision is about the future, your hopes, and dreams. This part is driven by statements that begin with, “I want…” or, “I wish…” Don’t worry if they are not yet feasible or even practical; this is simply about starting to think about what you want. You can also use this space to collect images and quotes that resonate with you.

By moving through these sections in order, you are helping to train your brain how to process the negative emotions. Furthermore, ending on a hopeful note keeps the journaling process from becoming one big sob session and helps to prime the brain towards optimism.

2) The Revise and Edit Journal

This journaling strategy is especially effective if you’re stuck in a negative personal narrative, as it helps you to more carefully choose words and supportive statements to express what you want. Additionally, by rereading your words, you help to remove some of the power that they hold over you.

In this type of journal, you begin by simply writing anywhere from a few sentences to a few pages. It can be a free-writing exercise, from whatever is on your mind, or it can be in response to a writing prompt. The initial writing should be more instinctual, without concern for word choice or clarity.

Then, read what you have written, paying special attention to how certain words or phrases make you feel. Revise the sentences to make them less emotional and/or more empowering. For example, the sentence, “I’m so depressed” can be instead written as, “I’m feeling sad right now.” They have a very similar meaning, but the latter feels less heavy and less permanent.

You can also rewrite your sentences to take them out of the first person and into the third person, replacing every “I” with either the appropriate pronouns or your name. It doesn’t change the circumstances, but it can help you find a little more space within the pain.

3) The 60-Second Journal

This journal option is great if you feel like you would benefit from the practice, but you just can’t seem to make yourself do it. The low barrier-to-entry makes this a perfect choice if your motivation or energy is low.

The key to this journal is consistency. You have to commit to writing every day. But only for sixty seconds. Decide on a time and place that you will associate with writing. Set reminders. And then just write for one minute. When the sixty seconds are over, you can stop or you can elect to continue.

Some days you will likely struggle to complete the minimum. Other days, the words may continue to flow. Regardless, you are establishing a habit and giving thoughts an opportunity to be explored.

4) The Fiction From Fact Journal

Are you feeling stuck? If so, this strategy may be a good fit for you. Begin by jotting down a few facts about your current situation. Mine could have been, “Abandoned. Betrayed. Family court sucks. Scared about money.”

Then, get creative. Pretend that this is an assignment in a writing class and you’ve been tasked with creating a story out of these facts. Begin by deciding on a genre. Do you want to spin this into a comedy? Or maybe embrace the drama and go for a soap opera?

Deciding on the conflict in the story will probably be the easy part. Now, think about the resolution. Does your ex-husband get hit by a chicken truck and now has feathers permanently embedded in his skin? Or maybe the ex-wife entered Survivor and the producers forgot to remove her from the remote island. At the same time, maybe you invent some nifty gadget that reduces commute times and retire rich and early.

This journal can help you be silly and find the humor in your current situation. It’s also a reminder that you never know what is coming up in the next chapter.

5) The Gratitude Journal

This is the most straightforward and probably best known of the strategies, yet it can also be one of the more difficult to implement during divorce. Because, let’s face it, it’s hard to find things to be thankful about when you’re in the middle of divorce.

The premise here is simple – write what you are thankful for and only what you are thankful for. To be most effective, make at least one entry every day, no matter how small and inconsequential. You slept through the night? Awesome! You found an extra bag of coffee in the pantry after you thought you had run out? Time to celebrate!

There are several gratitude journal apps available. This is a great option because you not only have the reminder to write, but you also have an easy-to-access register of all that is beautiful in your life.

6) The Letter Writing Journal

The strategies here are perhaps the most difficult to implement, both because of the needed suspension of disbelief and the intense emotions that can arise. However, the effects can be extremely powerful, especially if you feel as though you have not been able to find closure or understanding with your former spouse.

In this journal, every entry takes the form of a letter (or email), left unsent. Write to your ex, expressing your pain and disappointment and anger. Write to your children, sharing your fears and your dreams. Write to your younger self, giving advice and motivation.

And then turn the tables. Write the letter you want to receive from your ex. Think about what sentiments would bring you some peace and then pen them yourself. I know, it sounds strange and forced and awkward. But go with it. The power in this letter lies more in the reading of it than in its creation. Sometimes simply receiving the message we need is more important than worrying about where the message comes from.

No matter the form your journaling takes, the act of putting pen to paper gives a sense of power and potential in your life. It’s your story; you can choose to write your happy ending.

And if you’re still unsure about journaling, here are twelve reasons that it’s awesome post-divorce.

And…here’s a peek into my post-divorce journal. It’s raw. And it’s real.