Two Truths You Need to Know If You’ve Been Cheated On

Posted on by stilllearning2b

1 – It’s Not Your Fault

It had only been a couple weeks since I had discovered that my then-husband had been courting others. I sat in the waiting room at the doctor’s office, anticipating the results of the humiliating tests that you have to submit to after finding out that confidence you placed in monogamy was ill-advised. Adding insult to injury, the magazine at the top of the coffee table stack seemed to be taunting me with its headline – “Five Ways to Affair-Proof Your Marriage.” How was it that I was the one who felt shamed and stigmatized when he was the one who cheated?

I have since learned, through hundreds of exchanged with betrayed spouses, that this sense of blame and embarrassment is far from uncommon.

There are many reasons that the betrayed often blame themselves for their partner’s infidelity. First, it’s challenging not to interpret the straying as a personal rejection, especially because it comes from someone who claimed to both know and love you. As you struggle to find some sense of understanding about why this happened, it’s often easier to settle on your own perceived shortcomings than to accept that sometimes answers remain elusive.

It’s a misconception that affairs only occur in bad marriages. Many people who cheat claim that they love their spouse, love their marriage. Yet, either for the thrill, the opportunity or the search for something they’re missing, they elect to stray. And for the one who was betrayed, it’s important to realize that just because it happened toyou, it does not mean that it happened becauseof you. You didn’t make them cheat and, in most cases, you could not have prevented them from cheating. Regardless of their motivations, your spouse’s actions reveal more about them than about you.

 

In addition to your own sense of fault, you may face accusations from others. The cheating partner often utilizes projection and blame both in attempt to distract from their misdeeds and in order to reduce their own sense of guilt and shame. They may pepper you with statements along the lines of, “If only you would have…” and “I wouldn’t have needed to cheat if you…” These claims not only shift the responsibility of the affair to the betrayed partner, they also frequently minimize any deception that occurred, asserting that the spouse “must have known” what was occurring.

When these allegations bombard you, take a moment to remind yourself of the motivations behind these claims. Your ex is basically acting like the guilty child blaming the dog when the cookies go missing; they will likely point the finger anywhere rather than where it belongs. Rather than allowing their choices to challenge their self-perception of themselves as a “good person,” they will frequently paint their partner as “the bad guy.” Also, consider that you weren’t given the opportunity to respond from a place of full knowledge; you can’t be expected to meet your partner’s needs when they’re burying their desires behind their lies. In some cases, this manipulation began long before the affair(s) even started, using gaslighting to slowly undermine their partner’s sense of reality.

The external blame can also come from those outside the marriage. Assumptions will be made and accusations formulated about how you must have been a sub-par spouse in order for your partner to step out. These assertions, especially when they come from friends and family, are blows upon already bruised skin. These claims, much like the magazine headline that taunted me with my failure to “affair-proof” my marriage, are coming from a need for the world to be a fair and orderly place. People desperately want to believe that if they do good, good will be returned to them. They find it easier to accuse the betrayed spouse than to accept that infidelity could pay a visit to their marital bed.

When you’re trying to find your way after the discovery of infidelity, it’s okay to limit your exposure to those who do not support you. Surround yourself with people who refrain from assigning blame and who empower you to find your truth and rebuild your life.

 

2 – You Have Everything You Need

 I remember a strange sense of relief coming over me when I discovered that my then-husband had been leading a secret life. Even as my world collapsed and everything I had was swept away, I felt a sort of serenity building beneath the storm. For years, I had been unknowingly living a lie, an unknowing participant in a made-for-television drama. At some level, I must have been aware of this tension, the constant incongruity between what I thought and what I was living.

And so once the horrific truth came to light, I suddenly felt a sense of power for the first time in years. Now that I knew the facts, I could make choices. Instead of being tossed around by the winds spun by his lies, I was finally able to stand alone and see my life clearly. I had been granted an opportunity to live authentically.

There is often a sense of powerlessness that comes with the discovery of infidelity. You couldn’t prevent them from cheating. You can’t stop them from seeing others. You can’t control how the affair partner responds to the revelation of the infidelity. You can’t pressure your ex to explain their motivations or to address their deep-seated issues. And you can’t force them to apologize or to try to make amends.

We all-too-easily focus on what we can’t control. We obsess over the details of the affair. We desperately search for explanations and meaning in the betrayal.  We believe that maybe our ex will again become the person we once thought they were. We convince ourselves that we need an apology.

Yet we don’t need the one that harmed us to be the one to save us.

In fact, everything we need, we already have.

Now that you know the truth, you are able to see yourself as you are, not as you have been led to believe.

The lies have been washed away. Acceptance of those things you cannot change has been reached. And what you’re left with is your truth. You’ve been betrayed. And now you decide what will be revealed.

 

Can People Cheat on Someone They Love?

Posted on by stilllearning2b

It’s quite the mental conundrum – they claim to love you and yet they have been the source of your greatest pain. Does this mean that the love was a lie? Were they merely stringing you along in order to get what they wanted? Or, did they somehow manage to both love you and betray you?

There is no argument that choosing to cheat is both cruel and cowardly, a selfish act that leaves deep and lasting wounds in the ones betrayed. It is never the right choice and once made, it can never be undone.

Yet, one question remains. Can somebody cheat on the one they love? Or, does the act of cheating indicate that love was never present in the relationship?

 

Are love and infidelity mutually exclusive?

 

I don’t believe they are. While cheating highlights many flaws in someone’s character or coping mechanisms, I don’t think that it necessarily indicates that a person is incapable of love.

It’s difficult to accept this when we’re the ones betrayed. After all, the discovery of betrayal is the furthest from an act of loving kindness that we can imagine. Taking it a step further, proclaiming to love someone and continuing to hurt them (even behind their backs), is emotional abuse. So it’s no surprise that many of use reach the conclusion that the entirety of the relationship was a lie.

Yet life – and those of us trying to make through it the best that we can – rarely exist in those absolutes. And sometimes people act in opposition to their feelings for a variety of reasons –

 

Maladaptive Means of Protection

I think in his own twisted way, my husband was trying to protect me. He was depressed. Defeated. Scared and addicted. And I don’t think he wanted to burden me with his mental demons. So he pulled back, pulled the wool over my my eyes as he began to live two lives – one where he had to hide and another where he could play-act at being the man he wanted to be.

Others may be coming to terms with desires that they fear their partners will not accept, and so shame encourages them to stay silent as they believe that the truth would cause distress. “What they don’t know, won’t hurt them,” the cheating spouse says to themselves to excuse their behavior.

This motivator becomes a slippery slope as one lie inevitably leads to another because as the betrayals grow, so does the hurt that would come from its discovery. There is ego in this approach as one person becomes the defacto gatekeeper for the marriage, controlling what truths are revealed. It’s a situation where the perpetrator convinces themselves that they’re acting for the good of their partner, while at the same time, removing agency from their spouse.

 

Cognitive Dissonance

This powerful mental dance of self-preservation is responsible for many poor behaviors in people. On the front end of an affair, cognitive dissonance allows people to make decisions that put themselves in situations that can easily go too far. “I am a good person and so I would never cheat on my spouse,” the soon-to-be-cheater tells themselves as they begin to hide text messages from their partner.

And then as the choices begin to move into more blatant cheating, cognitive dissonance creates a blackout around the source of distress. They try not to think about what they are doing, acting more on instinct and self-preservation than deliberate planning. They simply cannot see what they are doing and hold onto their own self-image at the same time. So they keep their eyes closed.

These are the cheaters that may even act confused when they’re eventually caught. “How did I get here?” they wonder. Cognitive dissonance can also result in the cheater directing the blame outward, pointing fingers at the affair partner that seduced them or the unsuspecting spouse who wasn’t fulfilling their needs in some way.

 

Compartmentalization

These cheaters convince themselves that this thing has nothing to do with that. They see cheating, as long it is kept hidden, as being entirely separate from the marriage and their spouse. In some marriages, this filing system is aboveboard and accepted. But when one person is electing to erect walls that inevitably impact another, it is a betrayal of trust and autonomy.

Sometimes compartmentalization is necessary and healthy. It’s what allows doctors to keep their cool in the emergency room and allows parents to set aside their own distress to tend to that of their children. Yet when compartmentalization occurs in an attempt to avoid discomfort or discovery, it is not an appropriate use of the strategy.

And when it comes to affairs, any belief that that the actions of the cheater have no impact on the marriage or the spouse as long as they are hidden is a complete fabrication. Because whatever you nurture, grows. So when one spouse’s attention is turned outside the marriage, the marriage will ultimately suffer.

 

Rationalization

“The attention I get from my affair partner makes me a better spouse.”

“My spouse doesn’t want sex anyways, so it doesn’t matter if I cheat.”

“I love my spouse, but they wouldn’t accept this side of me. I’m doing what’s best for them.”

All of these beliefs and more can be used to try to justify the cheating. As nonsensical as it seems from the outside, these mental gymnastics can make complete sense to the one choreographing the excuses.

The use of rationalizations indicate a person who is not very self-aware and who is also uncomfortable confronting any hard truths. They are deceiving themselves as well as you.

 

Low Self-Worth

Sometimes an affair is a sign that someone doesn’t love themselves, not that they don’t love you. When self-worth is low, they are going to seek validation and acceptance from wherever they can. Even if that means it’s coming from outside the marriage.

 

On the one hand, it feels good to believe that you were loved (even as you’re reeling from the pain). On the other hand, it’s difficult (if not impossible) to comprehend how somebody could cause so much pain to someone they loved. And so wondering if the love was real becomes simply one more thing in the long list of uncertainties that cheating forces you to accept.

And finally…

Even if they do love you, that is not a reason to tolerate bad behavior. And even if you still love them, that alone is not a reason to stay.

 

 

See the video that spurred the whole debate – Is it possible for somebody to cheat on someone they love?

 

I Needed Him to Face the Consequences, Yet I Was the One Who Paid

Posted on by stilllearning2b

“I need for him to face the consequences of what he has done.”

I vocalized those words to my parents when we first discovered that my husband had committed marital embezzlement and felony bigamy. Those words were the driving force behind my decision to contact the police about his actions. I expressed those words through clenched teeth to the district attorney and the victim advocate while my body still trembled with the shock. I used those words as a mantra as I carefully gathered evidence and pieced together the story. And I relied on those words as I made decisions throughout the divorce process.

The need for him to pay, either by returning the money he had swindled from me or by serving jail time for his crime, was a driving force. As real and as persistent as a need for food. I was convinced that he needed consequences so that he could experience the pain he inflicted, so that I could find closure and, perhaps most of all, because it was only fair that he face the repercussions of his choices.

For a time, I thought it was going to work. The DA’s office discussed the possibility of jail time or at least a protracted probation. My attorney discussed restitution and requested the totals of monetary losses. I even felt some satisfaction when it seemed as though his career may be endangered due to his deceptions.

And then, it all collapsed. He was granted a diversion in the bigamy case. He made exactly two paltry payments out of the many ordered by the divorce decree. And as far as I knew, he even kept his job.

I was devastated. Directionless. I had spent most of my energy in the previous eight months devoted to making him pay only to be left vacant while he appeared to dance away free and clear. I was angry. I was defeated.

And I was also at a crossroads.

I could choose to continue to driven by the need to make him pay. I was well within my rights to alert the DA’s office that my now-ex husband had not met the terms of the diversion, which carried with it an automatic felony conviction. I could contact my divorce attorney and pursue contempt charges for neglecting to follow the terms of the decree.

Or, I could decide to walk away. To let go of the need to make him pay and instead invest in my own future.

I chose the second option. And it’s funny, even though I’m not aware of any consequences he has faced, I’ve found closure. I’ve found financial stability. I have found a happy new life. I have found peace.

And I didn’t need him to pay for any of it.

The, “I am going to make them pay” attitude comes with a high price during divorce. Here’s what it will cost you –

Legal Fees

When you’re approaching the legal process with a desire to make your ex pay, the paperwork and billable hours increase exponentially. Not only are you asking your attorney to do more (which they are more than happy to bill you for), you are also prompting your ex to go on the defensive (also upping the time and costs involved) or even to launch a counterattack.

In my own case, I had a choice between “fault” and “ no fault” divorce. I chose the first one because the latter verbiage made my stomach turn. That lack of a single word probably cost me 4 months and $15,000. In hindsight, I should have selected the faster and easier route, even if I later scratched out the word “no” on the final decree.

Heightened Negativity

A need for revenge is carried on the swells of ugly emotions. It feeds anger as you remain focused on the wrongs that were committed. It prompts episodes of “why me?” as you wail against the injustices. It even elicits feelings of envy as you feel like you’re the only one paying. As long as you’re focused on your ex, you’re keeping yourself mired in the muck around the divorce.

I was given a form by the DA’s office that asked me, the identified victim, to describe what I thought my husband’s legal consequences should be for the bigamy charge. Before writing on the page, I photocopied it so that I could pen a version in line with my revenge fantasies. It was in line with the dark humor that saw me through those months, but it also showed how much anger was still roiling inside me. And as long as I was driven to make him pay, that anger would be my companion.

False Sense of Control

Divorce brings with it so many changes and so much that it out of your control that it is natural to try to dictate whatever terms you can. And using the court system in an attempt to make your ex pay can bring with it a sense of power, especially if you have the financial means to support your strike. This is especially acute in cases of an affair where the betrayed is desperately looking for a handhold to stop the sickening sense of free fall. But the legal process isn’t in your hands. The judge can choose to ignore the mountains of evidence. And your ex can chose to not follow the orders.

I found another sort of control in my quest. The sheer obsessiveness that I approached the legal process was a distraction from the overwhelming pain and fear that I was experiencing. By focusing on the next document or the latest email from the attorney, I didn’t have to look too closely at myself. But as with the straw man of the legal process, this emotional control was simply a false diversion that only delayed my own progress.

Emotional Letdown

Pretend for a moment that your ex is made to pay in exactly the terms you hope for. What then? Do you hurt any less? Is the disruption to your life any smaller? Has your anger suddenly dissipated? Do you now have a deep sense that your ex truly understands what you went through? Probably not. It’s all too easy to place too much value on the consequences, assuming that everything will be okay once the pound of flesh has been extracted. And the realization that the payment, no matter how steep, isn’t enough can be quite an abrupt letdown.

I never experienced the emotional anticlimax that follows the dispensation of consequences. Instead, I faced the letdown of payments never made and debts never settled. It was as though all of my efforts for the previous eight months were simply torn up and thrown away like so much garbage. It felt like running a marathon only to be felled by a sprained ankle just shy of the finish line. It was over, but it wasn’t finished.

Until, that is, I decided that I was done. Done with paying for my attorney’s summer vacation with my need for revenge. Done with allowing the negative thoughts to set up residence in my head. Done with pretending that I could control external circumstances. And done with allowing his consequences to dictate my well-being.

I realized just how much making him pay was costing me. And I decided the price wasn’t worth it.

What Infidelity Steals From You

Posted on by stilllearning2b

How Being Cheated On Impacts Your Next Relationship

Posted on by stilllearning2b

It’s not fair.

That instead of following the promise to have and to hold, your spouse made the decision to crumple up and throw away those vows. That your partner chose to forsake you in the pursuit of others. That your other half replaced intimacy with lies and betrayal, eroding the marriage from within.

And now you’re left dealing with the consequences of those choices.

It’s not fair.

You’re angry that you’ve been put in this position and maybe even wondering if relationships are worth the potential pain. You’re worried that you may struggle to trust again and that if you do, betrayal may find you yet again. You’re embarrassed that you were defrauded and you doubt your own perceptions and choices. You’re tired of being the responsible one, the one who cleans up the mess that is left behind.

And it’s not fair.

The unfortunate fact is that your partner’s infidelity not only impacted your marriage, it will also continue to impact you moving forward. The good news is that with awareness and intention on your part, you can limit and even learn to benefit from some of that influence.

And it all starts with recognizing the impacted that being cheated on has on your next relationship.

Trust is Replaced With Doubt

Most people confide that the realization of the ongoing deception was the most painful part of being cheated on. It’s so difficult to integrate what you now know about your partner with what you thought you knew.

At the minimum, lies of omission were carefully maintained in an attempt to conceal the truth of the affair. Half-truths were delivered and excuses offered up in order to buy opportunity for indiscretion. As a result, you now have trouble taking people at their word. Is he really staying late at the office, or is that just the story you’re being fed?

It’s easy to get carried away with truth-finding, veering into the dangerous territory of obsessive snooping and interrogation, punishing a new partner for the sins of the old. It’s natural to want to control things. To pursue lies like a cat hunting down its prey. Yet the reality is that no amount of searching will uncover everything and that operating from a place of assuming deception will ruin everything. There’s a balance that must be reached between trusting everything and believing nothing. And you reach that point, you will be miserable in every new relationship and you will make your partner miserable as well.

In the worst cases of infidelity, gaslighting tactics were used against you, causing you to have trouble trusting even the most basic of perceptions. Gaslighting is a type of emotional abuse where careful and crafty manipulations are used to make you doubt your sanity and your observations. The impact of gaslighting is more persistent and more nefarious than that of the garden-variety lie because your trust issues are less with others and more with yourself. Recovering from this type of abuse takes time, persistence and a constant awareness of its impact.

Finding the Sweet Spot Between Naiveté and Panic

Insecurity Can Run Wild 

You thought your partner had your back when instead they were cheating behind it. You expected your spouse to be there for you only to discover they were trying to free themselves of you. When the affair came to light, you felt powerless. Worthless as you concluded that somehow you weren’t enough for your spouse. Your partner made the decision to have an affair and all you can do is react as your marriage slips out of your hands.

And the natural reaction when we lose our grip is to grasp even tighter.

It’s not unusual for those that have been cheated upon to smother their new relationships. It can be an attractant at first. After all, you doesn’t like to receive attention? However, the insecurity behind those actions will eventually make itself clear and have the unintended consequence of pushing people away.

Insecurity can also lead to an uptick in perfectionist and people-pleasing qualities in an effort to be the “perfect partner” and to avoid future infidelity. Those strategies will also backfire as they have a tendency to slide into resentment or martyrdom.

The remedy for insecurity isn’t found in holding tighter or in the illusion of perfection. Security is found within, in trusting yourself, your instincts and your decisions. When you seek validation outside of yourself, you will never find it. When you find validation within yourself, you will never lose it.

Defenses Are Fortified

“I will never allow myself to be hurt like that again!”

I get it. The pain of betrayal is so piercing. So all-encompassing that all you want is for the agony to end and to never take the risk of feeling it again.

And so you build walls. Allow people in, but only so far. You rationalize your choices by claiming that they are smart. Prudent. That when you went all-in before it was out of a foolishness of youth.

You may find that when discord does strike, you have a sudden and intense impulse to cut your losses and end the relationship. You’d rather be the one leaving rather than again being the one left behind.

It’s tempting to try to build a relationship in such a way to mitigate risk. But relationships don’t work that way. Without vulnerability, there is no chance of connection. Of intimacy. Of all of the things that make love worthwhile.

Responsibility May be Shifted

Are you caught up in blaming the other woman for seducing your hapless husband? Or are you convinced that your wife’s flaws are the reason for the affair and that if you have a different partner that all of the problems will disappear?

There is a temptation to believe that if we just had the right partner, that infidelity will be held at bay. There is an instinctual reaction to lay all of the blame at the feet of the betrayer and their affair partner(s) while avoiding the difficult work of looking within.

While you are by no means responsible for your partner’s transgressions, the truth is that an affair is a wake up call that you shouldn’t sleep through. Maybe you need to work on your own courage and assertiveness so that future problems can be addressed rather than swept away. You may realize that you had been inadvertently abandoning the marriage by directing all your attention to work or to children.

At the very least, reflect on why you chose this person and/or chose to stay with this person who responded to difficulty or discontent with dishonesty. Were you afraid of being alone? Did you feel unworthy of someone better? Were you operating on fairytales and blind hope?

This is important work and work that cannot be outsourced to another. Ultimately, you and you alone are responsible for your happiness and well-being no matter your relationship status.

Taking Responsibility: How to Tell When It’s Your Stuff to Own

 

Confidence is Built

At first, your confidence will most likely take a hit. Especially if you feel as though you were traded in for a younger/prettier/smarter/richer model. But in time? As you begin to conquer obstacles that once seemed insurmountable and you realize that you are stronger than you ever imagined?

You start to trust that you can handle anything that crosses your path.

That newfound confidence will impact your next relationship. Those on the dating scene that are looking for malleable and controllable partners will pass you by. You will begin to see your worth and seek out those that see it too.

You are no longer afraid of being alone. You enter and maintain relationships out of desire to be paired rather than a fear of being solitary. You are less likely to stay in a toxic relationship and have more courage to address issues in a strained one.

That’s not to say that you will never flounder, never fear. You will. But following that slide will be a little whisper from the back of your mind, “You have been through so much and survived. You can handle this.” And that little voice is right.

How Conquering Divorce Gives You Confidence

Acceptance is Reached

Love is all or none.

If you try to hold it at a distance, you end up pushing it away.

If you attempt to control it, you will inevitably strangle it.

If you build walls and hang back out of a fear of being hurt, you are avoiding the very intimacy that is the foundation of a relationship.

If you punish your new partner for the sins of the old, you are wrapping the new in the cloak of the past.

If you assume that this partner will also hurt you, you are more likely to be hurt again. After all, the dog that you expect to bite often does.

Love is always a risk. Whether you’ve been hurt before or not.

It’s just that those of us who have felt the anguish of betrayal know exactly what it is we are risking.

And you may decide that it’s not for you. That you’re happier alone and don’t want the risk or the compromises again.

That’s okay. Life is not one size fits all. Tailor your life to your specifications.

But if you do decide you want to let love in, you have to be ready to embrace it. Risks and all.