The Three Stages of Utilizing Anger After Relationship Trauma

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Anger is a natural reaction to relationship trauma. You feel angry that your needs were ignored and your boundaries crossed. You’re enraged that your voice was silenced and that you were not allowed to have input on what happened. The unfairness sparks fury as they seem unaffected and you’re struggling to survive.

This anger has an energy to it; it powers your thoughts and often your actions. Yet, it is not a static fuel and its nature changes as you begin to heal. These are the stages of how anger is utilized in the healing process after divorce, infidelity or other relationship trauma:

 

I’ll Show Them How Hurt I Am

This first stage is automatic and can be quite overwhelming, even leading to irrational behaviors. Pain demands to be heard, to be acknowledged. And anger is simply pain screaming to be heard.

We recite the wrongs done to us obsessively, meticulously enumerating all of the wounds in the goriest detail. This list becomes the soundtrack we live by, each retelling solidifying our role as the wronged one.

Sometimes we lash out in an attempt to inflict comparable pain upon them. This may bring a brief moment of satisfaction. But it is always short-lived as it never seems to encapsulate the sheer magnitude of the pain. And then it’s compounded by the fact that it never feels good to hurt someone else, even those that have caused us pain.

We may even unconsciously sabotage our chances at getting better, seeing our own healing as a sign that they have “won.” It becomes a pissing contest of pain, stubbornly holding onto and displaying the myriad of grievances.

 

I’ll Show Them What They Lost

In the second stage, the attention is still focused on the person that caused the pain, but the energy is directed to making them sorry instead of making them hurt.

This is the phase where people are motivated to make changes in an attempt to be perceived differently by the person that hurt them. These are often in direct correlation to any insults delivered by the injuring party.

For example, those that have been called “fat” by their spouses often dive head-first into an exercise program after divorce. If the affair partner was well-educated and the person who was cheated on always felt embarrassed about their education, they may start a new degree program.

This is an interesting phase because the outcomes can be quite beneficial even while the motivation behind them is still anchored in the past. Often these external changes contribute to a greater sense of self and confidence in our abilities. Which taken together, allow us to enter the final stage of utilizing anger.

 

I’ll Show Myself What I’m Capable Of

From the outside, this can look identical to the previous phase. There is a commitment to bettering yourself and courageous steps taken outside the comfort zone.

But inside? It’s quite different. Because now the motivation has nothing to do with the person that hurt you. Now, you realize that you are the one that has been holding yourself back. And now, you are ready to get out of your own way and see what you can do. Not to show them, but to show you.

After Divorce: It DOES Get Better

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Just the other day, somebody contacted me who is in the early months of an unwanted divorce.

After responding to the specifics of their situation, I ended with, “It DOES get better.”

They responded, “Everybody keeps telling me that.”

 

This is one of those phrases that can seem like a pat response in the moment, akin to “Everything happens for a reason” or “You aren’t given more than you can handle.” It can feel like a hollow promise, words that skip like rocks on a pond right over the depths of the pain you feel today only to sink deep into your gut.

I can’t speak for the others that offer up this hope. But I can explain where I come from. When I hear about somebody’s suffering after divorce, betrayal or abandonment, I travel back to my own experience with it. I don’t simply read or listen to the words, I feel them. I embody that place again. And that space, that pitch-black room, that was once so familiar, now lives so far away from my day-to-day experience.

Because with time, effort, and patience. it DID get better.

It’s important to understand (and accept) that getting better doesn’t mean it’s like it never happened. Instead, it’s more like the pearl formed around a grain of sand. The irritant remains, but you learn how to live around it. Getting better is a combination of many factors, some within your control and others that simply are.

Here are some of the factors that contribute to it getting better –

 

The Rawness Fades

Think back to a time when you abruptly lost a tooth in childhood. At first, the newly exposed nerves were raw and shocky. The gap that once housed a tooth felt alien and your tongue kept worrying over the wound. Yet by the next day, the gums had begun to heal and the nerves were no longer so sensitive. Before long, the hole simply became part of the normal topography of your mouth.

It’s much the same with betrayal or unwanted divorce. At first, you’re raw. Exposed. Shocky. But that state doesn’t last. The wound is still there, but the pain is no longer quite so sharp and unsettling.

 

You Adapt to the New Reality

On a cold, blustery day, the last thing you want to do is leave the known warmth of the house to head out into the frigid air for a walk. And sure enough, those first few blocks are brutal as the wind steals your breath and you feel the warmth being pulled from your bones. But stay with it and the air no longer feels quite so cold as your body begins to acclimate to its new surroundings.

It’s amazing how much pain and discomfort is caused by change. We fight against it and desperately grip onto what was. Yet once we settle in and take a deep breath, we begin to adapt to the new reality. As with the winter’s day, it doesn’t necessarily mean it’s hospitable (at least not yet), but at least it’s a known entity.

After Divorce: Is This Your New Normal?

 

Time Softens and Blurs

When a sharp and pointed stone first finds its way into a stream, it maintains its jagged and cutting edges. Over time, the relentless passing of the water begins to smooth the surface, softening the edges.

Time does not erase, but it does blur. Those memories that right now play against your mind as clearly as a movie on the big screen will eventually be like the flickering image of an old Star Wars hologram. More importantly, time allows for opportunity to process what has happened and to layer new memories on top of the old.

Does Time Heal All Wounds?

You Fill in the Voids

From Displacement:

I was enjoying a bath the other day. The hot water filling the tub to the brim, my body submerged except for my hands holding a book and my face peeking out from the suds. I was relaxed. Content.

I heard Tiger begin to dance on the wood floors below as the garage door rumbled open.

That was soon followed by Brock’s voice, “Where’s mama?” he asked Tiger as both man and dog bounded up the steps.

“That looks good,” he said, slipping off his clothes and sliding behind me in the tub. For the next few minutes, we talked about our days  with the sound of the water draining through the overflow in the background. Eventually, the sound of the escaping water stopped as equilibrium was reached once again. The volume of the water replaced with an equal volume of Brock.

We stayed that way for some time, enjoying the company and the warm water.

He exited the tub before me, stepping out while simultaneously grabbing a towel.

The change in the bath was shocking. The water that had once covered my entire body now didn’t even make it around my hips. The once-full bath had been reduced to a few inches of tepid water.

In the beginning, your life is like that empty tub, cold and barren. What is lost is painfully apparent because it leaves a void behind. But then you make a new friend. Take on a new project at work. Help your child tackle a new challenge or take one on yourself. And slowly, those voids are filled in.

Five Healthy Ways to Fill the Void After Divorce (and What to Look Out For)

 

Other Things Happen

Two years ago, we suffered the sudden and traumatic loss of our beloved dog, Tiger. And yesterday, we celebrated the one-year anniversary of Emma’s “gotcha day.” Even as we still mourn the loss of Tiger, we love and enjoy the two pups that now share our lives.

Because that’s how life works – no matter how great the losses, it goes on. And as it does, those losses become part of the mosaic.

 

You Weave a Narrative Around the Situation

Early humans watched the sun and moon march across the sky. As they had no way to gather any factual understanding of what was happening, they created a story, believing that the daily lives of the gods were involved in this routine.

As humans, we crave understanding and feel a sense of discomfort and unease when we don’t see how something fits in to our larger worldview. We worry at it, obsess over it. At first, betrayal or unwanted divorce is a huge foreign object that plummeted from the sky, crushing your white picket fence. It makes no sense. Until you do the internal work of crafting a narrative and creating some sense. Once that happens, it no longer requires our attention and so we can begin to relax.

 

Some Memories Are Filed Away

I have a box in my attic that is filled with all the legal and emotional detritus from my first marriage. I feel like I have to keep it “just in case,” but I don’t need need it front and center. Instead, it’s sealed and tucked away in a safe place.

At first, your memories feel out of your control, slamming you at random moments and flooding your system with emotion. At some point, you may find that there are some memories that are simply too painful (and pointless) to keep handy. And so you tuck them away.

 

All of the “Firsts” Are Experienced

Watch any family with a new baby and you will appreciate the power of “firsts.” The first step. The first tooth. The first word. Do you when the second word was spoken? How about the tenth? Or the hundredth?

After divorce, you will several years of “firsts.” The first night alone. The first anniversary of your wedding day. The first holiday without your spouse. The first major purchase without your former partner. The first family event. And those firsts are powerful. The seconds or thirds? Not so much.

 

You Return to Your Happiness Set Point

Take a cup of water. Put it in the microwave for three minutes. The water responds with an increase in energy, coming to a boil. Leave the cup on the counter for a minute and soon the water will return to its standard state.

We are no different when it comes to our emotional states. Research has shown that we all have a happiness set point. And that major life events (either positive or negative) certainly disrupt our happiness for a time, but that we eventually settle back into our standard state.

 

The Emotional Response Lessens

Several years ago, my car fishtailed on the interstate after encountering a patch of black ice. By the time I made it home, I was a trembling and sobbing mess. For months, every time I drove that patch of road, I would feel an echo of that earlier panic deep in my chest. I practiced saying, “You’re okay. You’re safe.” with each new passing. Finally, with enough repetitions, my brain decided to believe me.

Our brains are malleable. We can learn to uncouple the emotional response from the memory. You can get to a point where you simply just don’t care as much. You remember, but you no longer have the physical response to those thoughts.

Memories Do Not Have to Equal Suffering

 

Gratitude is Uncovered

Have you ever fallen ill and been secretly thankful for the bug that forced you to slow down and take a few days to rest?

If you look hard enough and with an open mind, you can find something to be grateful for in every situation. It does’t sugarcoat the pain, but it helps to remind you that life is more than pain if we’re willing to see it.

 

Purpose is Created

This is the ultimate. If you can find this, a way to see your rock bottom as a foundation, life will be better. You cannot alter the past, but you CAN decide what you’re going to do with it. You can choose to see it as an impenetrable obstacle.

Or you can view it as opportunity.

 

From The Evolution of Suffering:

In the beginning, I embodied the pain.

It was thick, viscous. Its foulness touching every part of my being until I no longer knew where I ended and the suffering began. I could no more escape its malevolent embrace than I could pull peanut butter from a child’s hair. We were one, the suffering and I. My anguish kept it fed and in return, it kept me company. I may not have had my marriage but I had the suffering that was left behind.

But slowly, ever so slowly, the anguish started to fade. The loss grew more distant and hope grew ever closer. Starved of its preferred sustenance, the suffering started to wither. Its suffocating heft grew to more manageable dimensions and its once viscous nature grew thinner. Weaker.

I felt the pain.

I would have moments, even days, where the suffering was unseen. But its absence was always short-lived and my brain had a trigger-finger that would herald its return at the slightest provocation. My body held the memories like the discs in a juke-box, ready to play with the touch of a button. As long as I didn’t approach, I was okay. But as soon as I recounted the tale, my voice would tremble and the pain would come rushing back as though it had been lying in wait.

And so I kept telling the story. And with each retelling, the heartache faded a little more. And the suffering grew weaker. My once constant companion became like a distant friend – we may keep in touch on Facebook, but we have no real need for face to face.

I remembered the pain.

And yet I kept living. I would revisit earlier writings or conversations and marvel at the emotions I carried. I would reflect back on those endless nights and my emaciated and shaking frame. I could speak of the suffering, but only in the past tense, for it no longer touched my soul.

Unencumbered, I learned how to trust again. How to love again. How to be vulnerable again. I learned to tell the story without emotion. Because it didn’t happen to the Lisa of today. It happened to the Lisa of yesterday. And I no longer recognize her.

I appreciated the pain.

Not for the suffering it provided, but for the lessons hidden within. It is a path I would have never chosen, yet it has led to more glorious pastures than I could have ever envisioned.

If you carry it too long, suffering will weigh you down and seek to asphyxiate you with its heft. But carry it long enough, and that weight makes you stronger. Lighter. Better for the experience.

Everything changes.

Even suffering.

 

It DOES get better. Stay with it.

What One-Star Reviews Can Teach Us About Personal Rejection

Posted on by stilllearning2b

I recently discovered (and have been devouring) a new-to-me author, Christian Galacar, who is often compared to Stephen King. After I finished my first download of his, I visited the Amazon page to learn more about him and what else he had published. I soon found myself going down the rabbit hole of reading some of the hundreds of posted reviews about the book.

Most were positive. The majority were fair.

And then there were the reviews that accompanied a single star.

And most of those were utter nonsense.

They were interesting reading because they had no emotional associations for me, I could scan them for generalizations and patterns. And in doing so, I realized that there is much in common with these one-star reviews and rejection in personal relationships –

 

One-Star Review Reason – “I haven’t used this product or service.”

I’m planning on surprising my husband with dinner at a local place that promises to serve Maryland-style crab cakes. Since I have never been there, I checked them out online to get a better sense of the establishment. I ran across a one-star review by a woman who admitted to never never eating at the restaurant and then proceeded to slam them for everything from food quality to service. Ummm…. what?

Personal Rejection Equivalent – “I was never present in the relationship.”

“We’re just not connecting,” they may say, ignoring the fact that they haven’t even looked in your direction in months. They are quick to blame you and even quicker to ignore the fact that their claims are based on assumptions.

_______

One-Star Review Reason – “I don’t like this type of thing.”

One of the poor reviews for my new author obsession mentioned that the reader doesn’t appreciate horror novels. Yet they proceeded to download – and negatively review – a book that is clearly marketed as horror. Completely confusing personal preference as being a sign of poor quality.

Personal Rejection Equivalent – “I don’t like this type of person.”

If we give them the benefit of the doubt, maybe they were not aware of their preferences in the beginning. Or maybe they thought that other qualities would somehow make this other thing not matter. Regardless, they made a poor choice for their needs or wants in the beginning and then tried to pass it off as being your fault.

_______

One-Star Review Reason – “I always give one-star reviews.”

For our recent vacation, I perused many Tripadvisor reviews. Before I gave a one-star review any credence, I checked the poster’s other reviews. And oftentimes, I noted that they were all negative. Some people are simply never happy, even when they’re on vacation.

Personal Rejection Equivalent – “I’m never satisfied in a relationship.”

And what’s the common denominator here? Hmmm. If they are never happy, that’s on them. Not you.

_______

One-Star Review Reason – “I can’t get beyond…”

Maybe the food was amazing, but the server seemed a little distracted. Or, the book was amazing but the ending didn’t meet expectations. Whatever the reasons, these reviewers allow one element to taint the entire experience.

Personal Rejection Equivalent – “I expect perfection and have trouble letting go of mistakes.”

This is the person with unrealistic expectations who also likes to hold a grudge. That one time you forgot to pick up milk at the grocery store two years ago? I bet you’re still hearing about it. No matter how much you try to please this person, it will always feel like playing Whack-a-Mole.

_______

One-Star Review Reason – “Through my lens…”

When I first started sharing publicly, the reviews and comments often gutted me. Except this style, which simply confused me at the beginning. “You never showed your husband any affection or attention. It’s no wonder he left you. What did you expect him to do? Live in a loveless marriage unhappy for the rest of his life?” Huh? This in no way described or marriage or matched what I had shared. And then it dawned on me – this man wasn’t really reviewing me. He was reviewing his ex-wife.

Personal Rejection Reason – “I feel this, therefore you feel this.”

Ah, projection. Our old friend. It’s a convenient way to avoid responsibility.

 

Most things in life – and that includes relationships – are neither one-star or five-star. Most things exist in the between, a mixture of both good and bad. There are things to critique and improve upon and also things to recognize and celebrate. And anyone who claims otherwise is either selling something, hiding something or trying to avoid something.

 

After the Affair: The Dreaded Doctor’s Appointment

Posted on by stilllearning2b

It took a few days for the realization to dawn on me.

“I need to make a doctor’s appointment,” I muttered half to myself and half to my mom, who was helping me sift through the rubble of my life. “I need to make sure that on top of everything else, he didn’t infect me with anything.”

The thought was horrifying. Mortifying. Infuriating.

I had only been with one man my entire life. This was not something I ever thought I would have to face.

Yet there I was.

Two weeks after the collapse, I walked into my doctor’s office. I was lucky. My provider, technically a nurse-midwife, had taken care of my annual visits for years. She knew me and I felt comfortable with her. It helped a little to counteract the immense humiliation I was feeling at being thrown into this situation without my knowledge or permission.

When she saw my drawn face, my trembling limbs and my emaciated figure, her mothering instinct took over. “Oh Lisa,” she sighed, pulling me in for a hug. Then, mother to mother, she hugged my mom, who (by my request) had accompanied me to a pelvic exam for the first time since middle school.

While my parts were checked and my blood was drawn, my provider kept talking to me in a soothing voice and kept a comforting hand on my arm or hand the entire time.

And then the waiting game really began. And along with it, the anger. Because it was easier to feel than the fear. Finally, I got the call.

“Everything looks good,” she said.

I felt relieved. At least my body would be okay. If only my heart could be cleared so quickly.

 

The dreaded doctor’s appointment is one more thing in an endless list of what is unfair about being cheated on. It’s yet one more way that we are left to clean up the mess they made.

The emotions involved run the gamut from confused (after all, if you’ve been monogamous for awhile, you tend to lose touch with what diseases are out there and what the implications are) to anger (how could they act with such reckless abandon when it comes to my health?!?). In between are often shame (because for some reason, we feel humiliated by their actions even when they don’t) and fear (are they going to curse me with a lasting physical reminder on top of everything else?). I know I also felt violated. This was not something I had consented to.

It’s a lonely feeling. An isolating one.

Yet it’s familiar to everyone who has ever discovered an unfaithful spouse.

It’s not fair. But it’s a necessary step.

Even though your partner didn’t take care of you, YOU need to take care of you.

I hope that your medical providers are as compassionate as mine were.

The Many Faces of the Affair Partner

Posted on by stilllearning2b

I saw a question posed on Twitter yesterday asking if anyone had written to the affair partner and, if so, what the outcome was.

The responses were interesting and quite diverse. It soon became clear that the type of communication (not to mention its aftereffects) with the affair partner were very much dependent on the relationship that person had to the wayward spouse prior to the affair and their role in the infidelity.

 

The Relationship of the Affair Partner Prior to the Infidelity

 

The Stranger

This is definitely the easiest of the horrible options to stomach. When the affair partner is a stranger, they become a blank canvas where you can easily project your own insecurities. However, there is little betrayal felt from them; after all, you’re a stranger to them as well. Additionally, if there is an attempt to salvage the marriage, this is the easiest relationship to cease all contact with and there are not likely many ties that make the disentanglement difficult.

The Acquaintance

We’re venturing into more difficult territory here. You’re likely to replay countless encounters with this person, wondering what was simmering beneath the surface that you failed to notice. There is probably an additional level of betrayal since this person knows who you are and knows who they were hurting in the process. As an acquaintance, it’s more likely that you’ll run into them and there may be mutual connections that lead to difficult or awkward situations.

 

The Coworker

This relationship is especially difficult if you’re trying to save the marriage. After all, your spouse can go “no contact” with a former friend, but generally bosses don’t look too kindly on that. They have to navigate the transition back to a professional relationship (which may be next-to-impossible if the affair partner has other ideas) and you have to fight the feelings of panic every day when they begin their morning commute.

 

The Friend

Your spouse and your confidant have been playing you. What a devastating discovery that throws your whole world into question. Who can you trust? The fractures caused by this type of infidelity travel far and wide, splintering friend groups and causing people to take sides. If you decide to try to salvage one or both relationships, building trust again will be especially difficult because everybody seems like a potential threat.

 

The Family Member

It doesn’t get any worse. We expect that family will always be there for us. And so the betrayal by a family member is equal to or even greater than the betrayal by a partner. You may be facing divorce and family estrangement at the same time, leaving you feeling orphaned and adrift.

 

The Role of the Affair Partner in the Infidelity

 

The Victim

They didn’t know that they were having an affair. They were told their partner was single, divorced or in the process of divorcing. Although they may not have been married, they are feeling betrayed as well once they learned that you were still very much in the picture.

 

The Willing Participant

This affair partner knows about your marriage, although they may have been incorrectly informed that your marriage is awful and that a divorce is inevitable. They may be married themselves or they may be attracted to those that cannot fully commit. In order to justify the affair, they may downplay its importance, minimize the marriage or compartmentalize the areas of their life.

 

The Instigator

This person set their sights on your spouse and then deliberately set out to win their attentions. They were not afraid to manipulate or lie in order to get what they want. If your spouse tried to set boundaries, this affair partner would attempt to bulldoze them over. They are unlikely to end the affair themselves and may make it difficult for your spouse to end it as well.

 

The Saboteur

Have you received disturbing messages from the affair partner? If so, this may be what you’re dealing with. These are the people that will not rest until they have left a path of destruction in their wake.

 

So What Does This Mean?

 

No matter the role of the affair partner, it’s natural to want to reach out – either to scream or to question. Or perhaps both. You want your pain to be heard and you want your questions answered.

Keep in mind who you’re dealing with. You can have a conversation with a victim, but not with a saboteur. The questions you’re going to pose to a stranger are very different than those you may ask a friend.

In my case, the affair partner was a stranger and a victim. I spoke to her on the phone for several hours while my (actually, our) husband was in jail. I wanted to warn her, protect her. She was never somebody that I had ill will towards. In fact, I desperately hope that she is okay. However, if she had been in a different role, I cannot promise that I would feel the same.

If you do attempt contact, wait until your emotional state is out of the red zone. By all means, scream or write those words you need to release, but release them into a safe space that will not have repercussions. Also, be aware of your expectations going into the contact. You most likely will not receive the response or answers you crave. There is no magic balm that comes from confrontation. No answers that illuminate everything. You’re not going to find healing from them.

So have your say. Ask your questions. Set your boundaries. And then let it go.