After Being Cheated On: When We’re Told to “Get Over It”

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Why “Get Over It” is Misdirected

We Wish We Could

When we’ve been betrayed, we want nothing more than for the pain to go away. We try to bargain with it, under the desperate illusion that if we can just unlock the secret code, everything will go back to the way it was. Often, we try to escape from it, looking for those brief moments of respite provided through distractions. We plead with others and ourselves to please just make the pain stop.

We see ourselves, both manic and depressed, driven half-mad with the heart-stopping realization that we’ve been trapped in an illusion, and we hate what we see. We don’t want to be that person, and yet we don’t know how to escape the pain that binds us. And so “get over it” feels like being told to simply walk away and yet we have no legs.

 

It Often Assumes One Bad Moment is Reflective of Every Moment

Triggers – and overreactions – are a part of healing. And by their very nature, they tend to be visible to others and attract attention. It may be that this sort of reaction is rare, yet for the person on the outside telling you that it’s time to “get over it,” they may perceive this as being your normal, everyday state.

 

It is Dismissive of the Magnitude of the Pain

From an outsider’s perspective, it can be easy to underestimate the impact of betrayal. They may see it as being only about the sexual relationship or think that you are better off without the cheater and that can dump them and move on as easily as you discard your trash after a picnic lunch.

Yet the reality is different. No aspect of your life has escaped unscathed. You now question everything and trust nothing. You grieve the life you thought you had and the future you imagined. You feel like you were not enough while you face the fear of being alone forever.

 

Healing Does Not Speak Calendar

Many times, “get over it” comes after a certain amount of time as passed, as though the calendar holds some magical healing powers. And while time does help to soften the memories and provide opportunities for healing, it is no panacea.

From Does Time Heal All Wounds:

Time Doesn’t Mean You Forget You will never forget. Time does not erase all memories, delete all pain. It’s still there, but there is also space for you to live alongside of it.

Provide Automatic Processing Time doesn’t do the healing. You do. If all you do is wait, you’ll feel much the same, only with more wrinkles. Time simply gives you the space and opportunity to work through it.

Time Doesn’t Provide Understanding Time won’t answer the “why” question for you. It won’t reveal why life is harder for some of us than others and why bad things can happen to good people. What time does give you is some perspective that suggests that maybe understanding why isn’t really that important.

 

This Trauma May Bring Up Past Traumas

Perhaps this betrayal has brought up childhood wounds where you felt abandoned by a parent. Or maybe this has reminded you of other situations in your past where you received the message that you were unlovable and not enough. Perhaps grieving thus loss has reignited the pain of other losses from your pass.

Regardless of the specifics, this trauma does not exist in isolation. Much like an iceberg with most of its mass below the surface, it may appear to others that you’re reacting only to the most visible injury, meanwhile you’re wrestling with everything that’s been buried for years.

 

 

Why People Tell Us to “Get Over It”

They Have Something to Gain From Our Silence

Sadly, the one who betrayed us is often the same one telling us to drop it already, as though they can reveal this bombshell and then escape unscathed. Sometimes they’re clueless, so absorbed in their own life than they neglect to consider how their actions have impacted you. Other times, they see our pain as weakness and our cries trigger them to be cruel. Consider the motivation behind the words. Does your silence somehow benefit them?

 

Discomfort With Our Emotions

This can happen either with the person that betrayed us or with others in our life. The emotions that follow betrayal are often strong and ugly, and people may be uncomfortable bearing witness to those feelings. They tell us to move on because they want us to be back to normal for their sake.

 

They Care and Want Us to Feel Better

Not everyone who tells us to ‘get over it” has bad intentions. Sometimes, those words, although hurtful, are coming from those who see us hurting and want us to feel better. They see that we’re holding on, turning the past over and over again in our minds as though looking for the secret that will unlock peace. They see us “pain-shopping,” scrolling social media to see images of the affair partner and they hear our fixation on what has happened. They know that we would feel better if we let go, but they don’t always understand why we’re not ready to.

 

Because They Haven’t Lived it, They Don’t Understand

From an outsider’s perspective, it seems so simple – dump the jerk and walk away with your head held high like some character bouncing off rock bottom in a romantic comedy. Their words aren’t malicious, they’re just clueless.

 

When We Need to Pay Attention to “Get Over It”

If It Pisses You Off, There May be Some Truth to It

Pay attention to your reaction to those words. If you find yourself particularly enraged or defensive, it may be because they are dangerously close to some truth that you’ve been trying to avoid seeing.  Often, we do hold on too long and sometimes those in our lives our trying to help us see the ways that we’re betraying ourselves.

 

We Hold Onto Pain Because It is All We Have Left

The innocence is gone. The trust is gone. The marriage may be gone. But we still have the pain. It is a sign that we have been wounded that can become a strange badge of honor that we wear to honor the magnitude of what was lost. We fear letting go of the pain, because we no longer know who we are without it.

 

Sometimes We Neglect to Live While We’re Healing

It’s so easy to tell ourselves that once we are healed, then we will fully engage with life again. Yet life happens alongside healing, two intertwining and continuous paths. Perhaps the one telling you to “get over it” is really telling you to get out of the waiting room and start living even while you’re still healing.

 

If You’re Wanting to Heal the Relationship, You Have to Let Go

From After the Affair: How Much Should You Talk About It?:

You didn’t have a say in the affair and you have every right to have a say in how the recovery plays out. It is not your role to alleviate their guilt or to stay quiet in an attempt to keep the peace. Your emotions are valid. That being said, be mindful of your motivation when you bring up the affair. Are you looking for reassurances that it won’t happen again? Are you wanting to make them feel badly? Are you coming from a place of self-righteousness? Are you wanting the person that hurt you to be the one to heal you? These are all the relationship equivalent of a dryer being stuck in the tumble cycle – it will beat you both up, but won’t make much of anything happen.

None of what happened is fair. And if you’re committed to staying, you have to decide what you want more – to punish them or heal the relationship. You can’t have both.

 

Ultimately, what it comes down to is this…

You are never going to “get over it,” as though it was a minor slight that stung for a moment. This has had a profound impact on your life, leaving behind permanent marks and forever altering how you view the world.

Yet even though you are not going to get over it,

You ARE going to figure out how to live with it. You will each a point when it is no longer the first thing you think of when you awake and you no longer cry yourself to sleep. It will become part of your story rather than your entire identity.

You ARE going to heal, the incredible rawness of the aching void replaced with an echo of the pain. You will allow yourself to trust again, to love again, beginning with yourself.

You ARE going to learn from it. What has happened has opened your eyes, brought you gratitude for what you do have and showed you just how strong you are.

 

 

After the Affair: How Much Should You Talk About It?

Posted on by stilllearning2b

The affair has been uncovered. The decision has been made to try to save the relationship. There’s a constant tension though – the one who has been betrayed feels the need to talk about it all of the time (“I want you to understand the pain you have put me through”) and the one who cheated wants to put it behind them and move on (“If you keep punishing me for the past, we’ll never make it”).

As with everything, there is no one-size-fits all answer here and both perspectives have some valid points.

 

If you cheated on your partner,

When they first discover the affair, expect the tears and the anger to be ever-present. Their entire world has just collapsed. They though that you were their rock, that they count count on you, and that foundation has just been abruptly pulled from beneath their feet. They will probably say some very harsh things. It won’t be rational because they have been thrown into full-on fight or flight. This is not the time to be defensive or to try to correct assumptions, even if they’re off-base. Your role right now is just to take it (as long as it doesn’t move into threatening territory).

And yes, it sucks to be attacked, to be villainized. But guess what? It sucks to be cheated on too. They didn’t ask for this. You made choices and those choices have consequences. It’s time for you to take responsibility, and some of that is being open and willing to listen to their pain.

Now obviously, if this emotional intensity continues and the affair is an ever-present topic of conversation, the relationship cannot heal. But you don’t get to control your spouse’s reactions or dictate the timeline of their healing. You’ve already taken away their agency by having the affair. You don’t get to tell them how to move on. There is a difference between you being uncomfortable because you cannot hide from your poor choices and your spouse deliberately using your past to hurt you.

You don’t have to stay in a position where you are feeling constantly punished for an extended period of time. Just like they have the right to say, “I just can’t get over what you have done and I think we should end things,” you have the right to set your boundaries around this too.

 

If you have been cheated on,

In the beginning, you need to talk. Your pain demands to be heard, you are desperately seeking understanding and you’re trying to process this enormous thing that has completely upended your life. Obviously – and understandably, some of this will be directed at your spouse. Yet make sure that they are not your only outlet. These feelings you’re carrying are big and are best distributed. Seek out a therapist or support group, a trusted friend or two and a journal. These become especially important as time passes and your healing is on a different schedule than the one the relationship is on.

It’s natural to want to know every detail about the affair as you try to regain some sense of control over your life. Yet this information has diminishing returns and focusing too much on the play-by-play keeps the energy in the past. It’s also understandable that you have the impulse to share every time you’re triggered. After all, they are the ones that planted that seed to begin with. It makes sense to share these when they first emerge so that you can talk through them together. Yet if it’s the tenth time that you’ve driven by a certain spot and your stomach plummets, it may not need mentioning. After all, they already know that this location bothers you and they can’t make that association disappear for you.

You didn’t have a say in the affair and you have every right to have a say in how the recovery plays out. It is not your role to alleviate their guilt or to stay quiet in an attempt to keep the peace. Your emotions are valid. That being said, be mindful of your motivation when you bring up the affair. Are you looking for reassurances that it won’t happen again? Are you wanting to make them feel badly? Are you coming from a place of self-righteousness? Are you wanting the person that hurt you to be the one to heal you? These are all the relationship equivalent of a dryer being stuck in the tumble cycle – it will beat you both up, but won’t make much of anything happen.

None of what happened is fair. And if you’re committed to staying, you have to decide what you want more – to punish them or heal the relationship. You can’t have both.

 

 

The 5 Types of Apologies Cheaters Use

Posted on by stilllearning2b

They’re been caught cheating. Or, they decided to come clean about the affair. Some of the first words out of their mouth are,

“I’m sorry.“

You want desperately to believe those words, to believe that they feel true remorse for the pain they have caused you. Yet, past event shave also proven to you that they will lie.

As you suspect, there may be more to their apology than meets the eye.

Here are five types of apologies that cheaters may use:

 

1 – I’m sorry that I got caught.

They are not sorry they did it, they are simply sorry that they have been found out. Often this sort of apology presents with irritation and comes off as insincere. Instead of making changes to end the affair and reinvest in the marriage, they instead double down on their efforts to hide their indiscretions. They may blame you for snooping, their friends for being busybodies or the affair partner for not being careful.

 

2 – I’m saying sorry to try to smooth things over.

Nobody likes others to be upset with them or disappointed in them. This is even true for cheaters. So they apologize, not because they are truly sorry, but because they don’t like having this discord at home. They hope that they can placate with their verbal amends so that you will no longer respond with anger, rejection or sadness towards them. Pay attention to what surrounds the apology. Are they using gifts or physical touch in an attempt to calm or distract you? Also, a sign of this sort of apology is that it is only expressed when your emotions are running high.

 

3 – I’m sorry that you’re upset.

This one has some empathy to it. They see that you’re in pain and they don’t like to see you hurting. The problem here is that there is a disconnect between their actions and your feelings and they are failing to take responsibility for their part in causing you pain. This sort of apology usually presents with other selfish patterns of behavior. Even though they don’t like to see you hurt or inconvenienced, their own desires always take precedence.

 

4 – I’m saying sorry in an ongoing attempt to manipulate the situation.

When this type of apology is used, it comes with the expectation of a particular outcome. They are saying they are sorry with the caveat that you are no longer allowed to bring up their transgressions or that you will not threaten to leave. Look out for guilt trips and gaslighting as they try to turn this around to be about you.

 

5 – I am truly sorry for what I have done.

When people are truly sorry, their language will reflect that. Instead of speaking in third person or generalizations (“When the affair happened”), they use “I” statements to demonstrate ownership (“When I crossed the line into an affair”). They take responsibility for their actions and refrain from blaming you, the affair partner, or outside factors, even while accepting that other variables may have had an influence on their decisions. Another sign of a genuine apology is that they are taking the initiative and not expecting you to help them regulate their own emotional responses.

True remorse is expressed with no strings attached. They say it and then give you the space to do with it what you choose.

Finally, an authentic apology always comes with changed behavior. Because without that, it is simply another empty promise.

And if you didn’t get an apology, this post is for you.

How I Recovered From Spousal Abandonment and Betrayal

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Are you struggling with recovery from abandonment or betrayal?

I wish there was a recipe for healing after the demise of a marriage – add these ingredients, sift out these elements, let the concoction rest for a specified period of time and then apply heat to set it in place. But divorce is not so simple. Not only do cooking times vary, but the ingredients are as diverse as the stories.

So, don’t look at this as a specified and exacting recipe that has to be followed to the letter to create a favorable outcome. Rather, consider these suggestions and feel free to add, subtract or manipulate ingredients to suit your taste and your resources.

These are the steps and strategies I used to find peace with my past, happiness in my present and excitement for my future:

I Believed I Would Be Okay

The reality hit like a cannonball to the gut. My body slid to the floor as my brain attempted to make sense of it all. Even in those early moments, when I had to face the truth that the man I adored had been systematically destroying everything I loved, I believed I would be okay again. I had no idea how I would get there; the future was one big question mark after another, but I held fast to the idea that there would be an “other side” of the hell I was thrust into.

I Asked For and Accepted Help

I was beyond fortunate that my dad was with me when I received the news and that the rest of the family soon rallied to render aid. I composed an email to them that let them know how best they could help.  I set aside my stubborn independence to move in with a friend when she offered her spare room. After declaring that I did not want medication, I listened when others advised it was needed. I went from a leader at school to the cared-for one. And I accepted every offer of help.

accept help divorce

I Surrounded Myself With the Right People

Until I experienced it, I was unaware that sudden spousal abandonment was even a thing. In the early days, I desperately turned to Google for answers and to assure myself that I wasn’t alone. I stumbled upon message boards where shocked and grieving spouses shared their stories of the awful and traumatic ends. After posting my own story, I logged off for good. Although I felt comfort at knowing this had happened to others besides me, I didn’t want to focus on the pain. Instead, I intentionally surrounded myself with the right people – compassionate even though they didn’t understand and positive even though they would bitch along with me.

I Wrote, Posted and Tracked Goals

There was so much I could not control. I couldn’t go back in time and change my choices. I could not alter my ex’s actions. I couldn’t speed up or steer the legal process. So I grabbed on to what I could influence. I wrote and posted twelve goals for the year ahead: everything from running a race (my first) to making two new friends. Some of the goals were multi-faceted and overwhelming (find a new job), whereas others were simple and direct (learn to cook one gluten free meal to excellence). Those goals were all written with healing in mind; they were my stepping stones to happiness and gave me some much-needed control when everything else was insanity.

 

I Embraced Dark Humor

I started making jokes about the situation mere days after it happened. It wasn’t funny. Not really. But it was absurd. And whenever I could choose between laughter and tears, I opted for the former. Of course, they often commingled. Humor was an outlet to vent that was more uplifting than simply complaining or bemoaning. It served as a unifying factor as others joined in on the jokes. Perhaps most importantly, humor was a reminder that you cannot always change a situation, but you can always change the lens you view it through.

I Used Anger as Repellent and Propellent

The primary emotion I felt in those months was rage. I harnessed that anger and used it as fuel. I allowed the anger towards my ex to help me disengage from the man I had entrusted half my life to. I filled the void he left with wrath and I used that anger to keep me moving forward. The anger was ugly, yet without it, I still would have been a crumpled mess on the floor. Eventually, I had to learn how to release the anger once its purpose had been served. That was the difficult part.

I Accepted Responsibility For My Own Well-Being

In the beginning, I wanted my ex to accept the responsibility for his actions and for the fallout. He never did. And eventually I realized that it didn’t matter. I could wait around forever for him to change, or I could take my own happiness by the reigns and accept the responsibility for my own well-being. I shifted my focus from what happened to what I was going to do with it. The abandonment and betrayal were not my fault, but it was my responsibility to ensure that they didn’t capsize me.

I Did What Felt Right Rather Than What I Was “Supposed” to Do

Join a support group. Swear off of men for a year. Move back home. I heard it all. But I did what felt right to me at the time. My decisions may not have always been the best; there are a lot of missteps as you’re learning to navigate a new world, but they were steps of my own choosing. Part of the reason I ended up in that situation was from not listening to my gut. I was determined to not make that mistake again. So I followed my instincts even when they went against the conventional wisdom.

I Replaced Pity With Purpose

It was easy to feel sorry for myself. Easy, but useless. Much like people who have found lasting sobriety through AA, I used writing and sharing to create purpose from the pain. I needed to find a way to balance out the bad with the good. I see it like taken the molten remains and channeling them into a mold to create something new. It didn’t relieve the pain, but it kept it from drowning me.

I Made Fun a Priority

I said “yes” to every invitation. I sought out new experiences. I pared down my “have-tos” to give more precedence to the “want tos.” I filled my calendar with scheduled smiles, intentionally book-ending every upcoming “bad” day with fun days. I didn’t always feel like having fun; I would cry on the way there, but I would rarely cry on the way home. The fun took me out of my head for a few blessed hours. It was a needed reminder that life goes on and that I didn’t have to wait until I was healed to enjoy it.

I Experimented Until I Found the Tools That Worked For Me

I identified my needs – namely, reducing anxiety, finding acceptance and limiting overthinking, and tried different strategies until I found ones that worked for me. After some trial and error, I settled on running for reducing the anxious energy, journaling for processing, meditation for getting out of my head and yoga for finding acceptance. As my needs changed, the tools changes as well.

I Learned to See the Good

At first glance, there was nothing good about the ordeal. So I looked again. And again until I could see the benefits. And then I embraced them. To the point where I am now happy that my life didn’t go as planned.

Grow divorce

I Approached Healing With Laser Focus

I looked at finding peace, acceptance and happiness as the most important job I would ever have. I knew that if I didn’t find a way to heal, not only would it limit me, but the negative energy would also seep into those around me. I set my sights on where I wanted to be and worked to align every thought and action with that goal.

It starts with hope. And it happens with baby steps towards that intention.

 

After Being Cheated On: Distinguishing Between Fears and Warnings

Posted on by stilllearning2b

“I never want to go through that again,”

I think we all say after being cheated on once we’re through the initial whitewater of the discovery that bashes us upon the rocks. We examine our memories for the missed clues about the affair and we scan the horizon carefully, looking for signs of another impending discovery. 

In some ways, we’re more equipped to spot the signs of trouble. After all, we’ve been down that road before. Yet in other ways, we’re handicapped by our experiences because our heightened fears can have a tendency to see trouble where it doesn’t exist.

It’s a scary place to be after being cheated on, where you’re wondering if it’s happening again while at the same time you’re doubting your own judgment. 

The following can help you determine if what you’re seeing is a genuine warning or if your fear of being cheated on is whispering falsehoods into your ears:

 

1 – Get Out of Fight or Flight

It is impossible to distinguish between a legitimate threat and a harmless – yet painful – echo from the past when you’re emotionally elevated.

Take a step back. 

When you’re in this state, your brain interprets everything as a threat. Before you can determine if the danger is real or imagined, you have to first calm and connect your body and your mind. Go for a walk. Engage in your favorite hobby or activity. Get some sleep. 

If it is still bothering you when your body is no longer in fight or flight, it is something that needs to be addressed.

 

2 – Be Mindful of Your Energy

After being cheated on, we often go to one extreme or the other, where we either obsessively look for evidence that it is happening again or we bury our heads in the sand, afraid of what we might see if we look too carefully. 

Both approaches can be deceptive as they either minimize or amplify the information that you have. 

Ideally, you want to be between those two states, where your eyes are open yet you’re not peering into every crevice looking for the monster that you imagine is there. 

 

3 – Avoid Listening to Too Many Voices

One of the more painful realizations I had after discovering my ex-husband’s betrayal was that I had allowed myself to trust him more than I trusted myself. (Hello, gaslighting). And one of the best silver linings of being cheated on was learning to trust my own voice again. 

It’s natural to want to reach out to others to either validate or explain away your suspicions. But too many voices can muddle what is already unclear. Remember that they are hearing this through your filter and then adding on their own motivations of not wanting to see you hurt. 

Sometimes the best thing to do is allow our own voice the time and space to speak and to listen without passing judgment. 

 

4 – Weigh Both Your Intuition and the Evidence

When properly tuned, our guts are quite an impressive lie-detecting instrument. Yet being cheated on often has them out of tune, playing discordant notes regardless of the stimulus. 

On the other hand, waiting until the evidence piles up and crushes you isn’t ideal either. 

Listen to your gut, but don’t believe everything it has to say. Consider both your intuition and the facts. When they’re in alignment, it’s time to listen.

 

5 – Choose Your Approach Carefully

If all of the above indicate that it’s time to have a conversation, be mindful of your approach. If the evidence is subtle, state what you’re feeling and seeing without immediately becoming accusatory. 

Opening with the assumption of cheating will only prompt a defensive posture that will try to protect at all costs. If you’re looking for truth, you have to give it space to come out. 

 

When the wounds from being cheated on are still fresh, you’re naturally guarded and distinguishing between fears and warnings is quite challenging. With time and practice, you’ll become better at discerning the difference and your trust in your own perceptions will grow.