5 Tips For Managing Your Pre-Divorce Anxiety

Posted on by stilllearning2b

We often speak of divorce as if it is a single act, a sudden switch from partnered to single. As though there is no time elapsed between the decision to split and the final seal pressed into the decree.

But divorce doesn’t operate that way. Months or even years pass between the resolve and the resolution. And that period of time when you’re both preparing for and anticipating the divorce can be the hardest stretch to navigate.

It’s a weird space where you no longer occupy your former life yet you are limited in exploring your new world. And it’s a scary place, filled with the unknowns of the legal proceedings and the overwhelming uncertainty of the future.

Educate Yourself 

If you’re like most people, you don’t know much about divorce until you’re in the middle of it. Take this time to learn all you can about the laws in your state and the resources that are available to you.

Read up on your legal options before you discuss your plans with your attorney. Familiarize yourself with the role of mediation in your district. Make sure you understand the scope – and the limitations – of the decree and its associated documents. The legal process is confusing and expensive. The more you know ahead of time, the clearer your decisions will be and the more money you can keep in your pocket.

Research local divorce support groups. Even if you never attend, it’s good to know it’s there if you need it. If you’re worried about being able to make ends meet, look into sliding scale services and programs designed to help you get back on your feet. Investigation new child-care or transportation options for your kids if you anticipate changes in those needs. Energy spent researching what is at hand is never wasted because the knowledge will help you sleep at night.

My own biggest obstacle during this period was financial in nature. I felt a little better after securing a bankruptcy attorney and exploring that option. I ultimately decided that it was not the appropriate route, but just having that information at hand was comforting.

Consider the Worst That Could Happen

I generally advocate focusing on the positive. But that’s hard to do when you’re in marital limbo and you have no idea what your life is going to look like a year from now. And there’s actually a benefit to spending some time exploring the worst case scenarios.

Start by brainstorming – on paper or on your device – the worst possible outcomes of your divorce: bankruptcy, losing custody, being alone forever, etc. Give yourself a time limit of five minutes to jot these down without analysis or censoring.

Then, address each one in turn with what you coulddo if that fear does come to fruition. Keep these brief and don’t worry about the details or the roadblocks. It’s just important that these actions are possible even after the worst has happened. Limit yourself to no more than twenty minutes to write your responses.

My own “worst that could happen” list looked something like this:

Fear: I could end up homeless.

Response: I had several friends and family members willing to take me in.

Fear: I could be ordered to pay hundreds of thousands of dollars I didn’t have.

Response: I still had a job and I could work out payment plans.

Fear: My destroyed credit would prevent me from being able to move on.

Response: Most of those things would drop off in seven years and I could work to rebuild my credit.

And all of those things did happen to some extent. And when they did, I learned that none of them were as bad as I had feared.

Be careful not to spend too much time contemplating the worst that could happen, as this will only intensity your anxiety. Instead, visit it just long enough to brainstorm your possible responses and then make an effort to shift your thoughts elsewhere.

Set Time Aside Each Week to Deal With Legal Stuff

Steel yourself. There will be paperwork. And emails. And phone calls. And then more paperwork. All of the evidence-gathering and form-filling and decision-making can be extremely draining and anxiety producing (especially when the envelope contains a bill from your attorney!).

Designate a time once or twice a week when you handle the non-critical divorce related tasks. Ideally (and obnoxiously), one of these needs to be during normal working hours so that you have access to lawyers, bankers and government agencies.

You can even take it a step further if you don’t want divorce-related news intruding when you’re not prepared and designate a new email account just for the business of divorce. Just be careful to check it frequently in case there is some time-sensitive information that you need to attend to.

At first, I read every email, opened every envelope and answered every phone call as soon as I could. The news was often distressing and as a result, would cloud my entire day. Once I cordoned off a portion of time to deal with the informational flood, I found that I felt much more in control and wasn’t as impacted on a daily basis.

You can’t control what’s in the oncoming message, but you can manage when and in what circumstances you receive it.

Be Mindful of Who You Surround Yourself With

“How are you ever going to manage the kids and the household on your own?”

“Your ex has always been so selfish. I bet she’s going to try to take you to the cleaners.”

“You are so strong, I couldn’t handle what you’re going through.”

You hear it all while you’re divorcing. Some comments are well-meaning, but can still miss the mark and drive up your anxiety in the process. Others come from a place of curiosity and dwell on the salacious details that you would rather forget. And then there are those people that always seem to be critical whose words fuel your own negative narratives.

People will likely approach you with their own divorce stories, some of with would be best classified in the horror genre. Much as you would consider other’s childbirth stories while pregnant, take these divorce tales with a grain of salt. Their experience is not yours.

Be especially mindful of who you surround yourself with. Find those that balance your intense emotions rather than amplify them. Seek out friendships with people that are generally positive and proactive. Borrow some of their sunshine on the days when you’re struggling to find it yourself. And when a well-meaning person says the wrong thing, talk to them. They can’t learn to respond any better unless you help them understand your perspective.

Divorce has a way of sifting your true friends from the hangers-on. Not all will make it through and those additional losses are not always easy. Yet you also know that the friends who are still by your side are there for right reasons.

While You’re Waiting… Live!

 Your attorney has probably advised you not to make any major purchases, adjust your beneficiaries, speak out on social media or openly date. The period of time approaching divorce can be a frustrating limbo as you wait for the legal permission to act.

But that’s no reason to put your entire life on hold. The law doesn’t restrict your ability to make a new friend, sign up for a class, enjoy a sunset, treat yourself to dessert at your favorite restaurant, flirt with the dogs at adoption day, volunteer at a food bank or tackle a new skill. Instead of thinking about what you can’t do, focus on what you can.

This difficult period does have an expiration date. You’ll make it through. Just keep your mind on where you want to be and put one foot in front of the other.

Is My Reaction to Divorce Normal?

Posted on by stilllearning2b

The following was shared on my Facebook page recently-

“Some days I feel like I got the grief period beat and then something will happen and I catch myself crying.”

I responded in part, “That up and down is completely normal. The hurt will fade in time. Just keep your focus on where you want to be.”

“Thank you!!! It helps to hear the up and down is normal because I didn’t know what was going on.”

 

It’s amazing how much added pain comes from questioning our reaction to a situation and how reassuring it can be to discover that what we feared was “crazy” is instead completely normal and expected.

The reality is that for most of us, divorce is something we only experience once. So most people navigating the end of a marriage are crossing a scary and unfamiliar terrain. And because the experience of divorce is so much more intense and complex than you ever imagined, those held in its grasp always want to know that their experience falls within the range of “normal.”

The following reactions to divorce are completely normal:

Emotional Soup

I often hear people reference the five stages of grief in their divorce and they’ll announce what stage they currently occupy. But it’s not that simple. This construct is a helpful tool for understanding a reaction to a loss, but reality is much messier than five clearly defined stages. I like to refer to the state after divorce as emotional soup – a mix of every emotion you can imagine. And on some days, the anger will be the prominent flavor whereas the next day may be seasoned with despair. The emotions can be surprisingly intense and may stay for awhile or may suddenly appear and disappear just as quickly.

Ups and Downs

Healing after divorce is a nonlinear process. It’s not even two steps forward and one back. It’s more one step forward, a detour around to the right followed by entrapment in quicksand and a wrong turn that leads you back to where you started. Only now you know how to avoid the quicksand.

It’s completely normal to have a series of good days, where you’re feeling optimistic and confident, only to be followed by a day when it all seems impossible and you feel like the most worthless person on the planet. Instead of attempting to measure your progress by the day, take a broader view to map how far you’ve come.

Post-Divorce Mania

Post-divorce mania is characterized by an increase in energy accompanied by an intensity of focus. It’s a compelling drive, a sense of being propelled by an internal motor that refuses to idle. It often has an obsessive quality, focusing on one thing to the exclusion of all else. It can attach itself to something related to divorce (like with an overwhelming interest in discovering everything possible about the affair partner) or it can take the form of some other passion (I can’t even count how many people I met running a marathon that were experiencing post-divorce mania!).

 

Post-divorce mania is initiated by a fear of slowing down and feeling too much. It’s maintained because its compulsive nature feeds our dopamine receptors, keeping us coming back for more. It’s a side effect of the need for action, the gas pedal to the floor and the steering misaligned.

 

Over Reactions and Triggers

 I once had a breakdown in front of the sparkling water display in a Publix. Not my proudest moment, but one that I now embrace as completely ordinary after divorce. The brain has a way of tucking certain memories away for later consumption, smartly realizing that an emotional binge can have devastating results. Then these feelings can be released in a sudden torrent of tears triggered by the most mundane of things.

Memory and Cognition Issues

Your brain won’t function correctly for a time. You’ll forget things, have trouble making basic connections and struggle to form new memories. You may feel slow and sluggish in areas where you once excelled.

Your previous levels of functioning will return. In the meantime, Google, sticky notes and a calculator are your best friends.

Extreme Reactions to Dating

I will never forget the day after my divorce when I looked around the gym and suddenly realized there were men. Everywhere. And I was free to pursue any of them that were unclaimed. I was like a kid in a candy store for a time (yes, part of that post-divorce mania here!).

Others find they have the opposite response to dating – the very thought makes their stomach turn and they can’t imagine ever seeing someone new.

Both responses are normal and, in time, tend to move towards a more balanced approach.

Strong Response to the Ex Getting Married

Whether this news comes years down the road or, as in my case, before your divorce even occurs, the announcement of your ex’s nuptials will probably hit you much harder than you anticipated. It can make early feelings of rejection and loss resurface and it often triggers a sense of, “That should have been me.” It’s not easy to witness their apparent happiness when you’re still aching from the loss.

Although this reaction is intense, it tends to be brief. The last of the bubbles of your marriage floating to the surface before they dissipate in your growing new life.

Taking “Too Long” to Move On

Comparison is your enemy here. You see social media posts of your recently friends seemingly “over it” while you still cry yourself to sleep. You discover that your neighbor remarried after two years and you can’t even imagine going on a coffee date. You worry that you’re doing this divorce thing wrong since it seems like everyone else has a much easier time of it.

First, realize that you only see what others choose to show you. Fun Facebook photos and late-night crying jags are not mutually exclusive. They may appear to have moved on, but their reality could be much more complicated.

And then there is the very real fact that every person is different, every divorce unique. Here are twenty factors that strongly influence your personal divorce experience. Read them and remember that healing does not speak calendar.

A Final Note…

All of these reactions are normal. Yet, normal can become pathological if it persists for a protracted period of time or swells to a point where it severely impacts your ability to function. It’s also completely normal to need help during divorce. Ask for it when you need it.

Pep Talk

Posted on by stilllearning2b

I’m feeling anxious today.

But before I get to that, I have to share with you a few pictures from my spring break this year. It was the inaugural trip with a dear friend of mine (even though I lived with her for the better part of year after my divorce, we have never had the opportunity to travel together).

Since she has had a HARD couple of years and has an elementary-aged daughter that keeps her busy, I gave her the choice of locations. After giving up on the Everglades for being too far, we settled on the Okefenokee Swamp. Which, as it turns out, is absolutely stunning, especially before the heat has settled in.

It was an amazing trip. The best part was simply the time with my friend to decompress and catch up with no external pressures.

The swamp was amazing, but I think my favorite times were evening nibbles out on the dock outside of our cabin (Seriously, this cabin was amazing. Hit me up if you need a place to stay near Valdosta, Georgia and I’ll put you in touch).

On one of those meandering conversations, my friend mentioned that my ex-husband’s picture appeared on her “suggested friends” list on Facebook. It wasn’t his profile, rather he was pictured with a woman that Facebook decided my friend might know.

Let me explain why this is unsettling. At the time of the divorce, I had no social media and neither, as far as I know, did my ex-husband (or, if he did, it was under some other identity). I have never befriended anybody from his life on social media and in almost ten years, I have never had that world intrude on mine.

However, since there apparently must be some connection between my ex’s current female companion (which was NOT the other wife, according to my friend) and my close friend, there are now fewer than seven degrees of separation between us.

Ugh.

I don’t like the feeling of that. And, perhaps most unsettling, it’s made me tempted to look him up for the first time in over nine years. I won’t give into the urge, but I really, really, really don’t like that I’m feeling it. (And as an aside, I feel for the other woman; I hope she’s okay.)

But that’s still not the root of the anxiety.

In a few hours, I’m heading into town to go to a beer festival.

Sounds fun, right?

Well, it should be. But I’m also anxious that I’m going to run into him.

The last time I spoke with him was almost ten years ago. The last time I saw him was just under six. At a festival. In town. Here’s my post about the experience and here’s my reaction once the shock had faded.

My reaction surprised me. Scratch that. The sheer intensity of my reaction scared me.

And so with him more on mind than I’d like and heading into a similar situation, I’m afraid that I may see him again. Actually, I’m afraid of my reaction if I see him again.

I like to think I’ve moved on. That he doesn’t impact me anymore. And for the most part, that’s true. But if I see him, I may just find out otherwise – that there is still trauma in my body waiting to be released.

So I’m anxious.

And giving myself a pep talk –

“It’s okay if you see him. It does not change anything. Even if he is in town, he is not in your life. You have no connections with him anymore; he cannot hurt you. Those reactions you’re having are not due to him in the present, they are simply aftershocks from the earthquake so long ago. You are stronger now then you were then. Wiser. And you know that this will fade. Keep breathing. You got this.”

Signs You’re Holding On When It’s Time to Let Go

Posted on by stilllearning2b
holding on

Letting go is hard.

Damned hard.

I first learned this as a young child, exploring my grandmother’s basement, packed to the ceiling with carefully labeled and organized items as though she was preparing to seek refuge from the apocalypse.

Which, in many ways, she was.

She lived through starvation and disaster on the Dakota prairie that followed the first World War. Later, she experienced the Great Depression and the subsequent war that followed. She felt the burden of providing for three children while also caring for a sister and a husband that faced medical crises.

All of this occurred long before I was born. So I puzzled at the multiples of cans stacked on a windowsill that approximated a grocery shelf when a fully-stocked pantry and fridge occupied the kitchen above. From my perspective as a middle class American kid, the grocery store was a constant. I simply couldn’t understand the need to create an additional level of food security at home even as I could see how deeply the need went within her.

Then my parents divorced. And for the first time in my young life, I felt that overwhelming need to hold on to something – anything – in an attempt to create that sense of security and certainty that I needed to feel safe in the world. In fact, that need was part of what drove my attachment towards my first husband. Sometimes I wish that hindsight could be aimed forwards.

At some point, most of us experience that sense of life pulling the rug from beneath our feet. We reach out. And grab on. 

Only to realize much later that we’re still holding on long after it’s time to let go. 

The following are possible signs that you’re still holding on when perhaps it is time to let go:

The person, object or situation no longer brings you joy or fulfills a purpose.

The first hosta that I planted in my old front yard brought me endless pleasure. I admired its immense green span when I pulled into the driveway and marveled at the unfurling of its new leaves. As the sun intensified over the ensuing weeks, the once-pristine leaves began to brown, turning shriveled and deformed in the face of the sun’s relentless beating. The plant no longer brought me joy. Instead, the sight of the failing foliage brought me guilt and shame and frustration. Even as I refused to admit defeat and replace it with something more suitable.

We all have a tendency to that, to stubbornly hold on to our choices even when we no longer find joy or usefulness with our selection. Life’s too short for placeholders and clutter. If it doesn’t bring joy (to you or someone else) or fulfill a purpose, why continue to hold on?

You show signs of anxiety when you consider letting go that are out of proportion with the actual loss.

Have you ever removed a pacifier, favored toy or security blanket from the hands of young child? Did they act as though you were threatening their very existence? This just goes to show how easily we assign great meaning to things that can be relatively inconsequential.

We use these things – whether people or items – much like first responders use gauze to pack a wound. We stuff them in around the bleeding spaces in an attempt to halt the flow of emotion. Their presence means that we don’t have to examine the wound. And we fear that if we remove them, we will succumb to the underlying injury.

The opportunity cost is beginning to be a burden.

I was in contact with a person who was in an on-again, off-again relationship. They were torn. On the one hand, they were afraid of being alone and were appreciative of the positive aspects of this particular partner. On the other hand, there were significant communication struggles and work that both needed to do to past this. Ultimately, this person decided to move on – literally – because continuing to say “yes” to this relationship meant saying “no” to many exciting opportunities that were presenting themselves.

Whenever you are holding on to one thing, you are preventing yourself from holding on to something else. Are you finding that you have goals that you cannot seem to meet because your attention is still directed towards this other thing? Are your hands too full to pick up what you desire?

You find yourself making excuses and becoming defensive when questioned.

My need for my ex husband was extreme. So extreme that I was not able to face the thought of losing him, much less confront the reality of who he was. I made excuses for his excuses and defended him to myself and others. And the one time someone asked if I was afraid about infidelity while he travelled? Let’s just say that they never tried to bring it up again.

We often feed ourselves the narrative that we’ve made choices and now we have to live with them because it’s easier than facing the fact that maybe we made the wrong choice and we have the power to change it. Denial is powerful and it puts up quite the fight when it feels threatened. As such, when you feel yourself gearing up for a battle when there are no weapons drawn, it’s a sign that you may be grasping onto something that would be better off released.

The fear of the leap is the only thing in your way.

It’s scary to take a leap of faith.

The thought of letting go when you fear that you may plummet seems like a fool’s mission.

Yet if you’re always holding on, you’ll never know what you can reach.

Related: The Danger of Holding On

Let That Sh*t Go!

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PTSD After Divorce

Posted on by stilllearning2b
PTSD divorce

Can you develop PTSD after divorce?

When my husband left, I trembled for a year. That’s not just some figurative language used to convey emotion; I literally shook. For a year. My body quaked from the aftershocks of the sudden trauma, my legs constantly kicking and my hands quivering. Those weren’t my only symptoms, either. I had flashbacks and nightmares that took me back to the to the day where I received the text that ended my marriage. The 21-word incoming message read: “I am sorry to be such a coward leaving you this way but I am leaving you and leaving the state.” From then on, the sound of an incoming message would actually send me to the floor, where I braced myself for another digital attack. I felt numb and had trouble remembering aspects of my marriage or my husband. I avoided sights and sounds that were associated with my marriage, often driving well out of my way to steer clear of my old neighborhood. I couldn’t sleep; I was hyper alert, always scanning every room and ready to fight or flee at any moment. I could not eat and my weight fell to dangerous levels.

As far as I know, my life was never in actual danger. But apparently my mind and body never received that message. In an instant, the person I trusted the most became someone whom I feared. I felt threatened and unsafe.

I didn’t know what was real and who to trust.

My husband never forced himself upon me, but I felt as though I had been violated when I learned I had been sleeping with the enemy. He never physically hit me, but the psychological blows left scars just the same. I’ve never been to war, yet every interaction with his lawyer was a battle that left me paralyzed with fear for my ability to survive.

I by no means intend to trivialize the horrors endured by those who have been the victims of abuse or those have been through war. Those are traumas on a scale well above what I have endured. What I have come to realize, however, is that trauma can come in many forms and in many degrees. The psychiatrist I saw that first year after my divorce stopped short of diagnosing me with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), but the term came up as I described my symptoms, and the medications she prescribed are frequently used in the treatment of PTSD. Another therapist I saw also mentioned the disorder and used complimentary strategies.

PTSD happens when your mind cannot process the extent of the trauma.

It’s like a short circuit in your nervous system, where you have trouble distinguishing between real and perceived threats. We tend to think of PTSD as occurring only in life-threatening situations, but it can occur anytime there is an acute or prolonged trauma. Not all divorces lead to PTSD, but if it is sudden or abusive, the trauma can be severe and sudden enough to lead to PTSD-like symptoms.

According to The National Institute of Mental Health, PTSD includes flashbacks, bad dreams, staying away from triggers, feeling emotionally numb, feeling guilty, having trouble with memory, being easily startled, feeling tense and angry. Additionally, the diagnosis of PTSD requires that the symptoms persist beyond 30 days and that they interfere with daily life. There is a difference between normal grief, shock and anxiety and the pathology of PTSD.

PTSD occurs when a perfect storm of conditions are met. First, prior traumas can “prime” someone for PTSD as the stress can actually cause epigenetic changes, rewiring the body to be extra sensitive to further trauma. Women are also more likely to experience PTSD, possibly due to heightened fear conditioning. PTSD is also more likely to occur when traumas accumulate. When someone who has some of these risk factors undergoes a divorce, particularly one that is sudden or especially toxic, PTSD-like symptoms can occur. Sudden abandonment or attack by a loved one can trigger panic and disorientation as real as any physical threat.

The trauma is stored in the body as well as the mind.

During my divorce, I learned that most people assumed that depression would be the disorder de jour after a break up. They expected me to be sad and withdrawn, curled up on my bed with a box of tissues and endless pints of ice cream. Instead, I was hyper vigilant and always on the lookout for the next blow. It’s important to realize that all divorces are not the same and we all respond differently. There is no “right” way to be after a divorce. I was embarrassed for a time to reveal the true nature of my symptoms. I felt like I wasn’t permitted to feel that way since I didn’t have a knife to my throat. I felt ashamed that I couldn’t cope with the basics of eating and sleeping. I felt weak every time I over-reacted to a stimulus. Once I admitted my struggles, I was able to actively seek help to overcome them. I also learned that I was not alone in my reaction to the divorce.

There is help for those who are experiencing PTSD-like symptoms after a divorce. First, communicate your symptoms to your doctor or therapist. A checklist can be a useful tool, especially if you are having trouble putting words to your feelings. Be firm. I found that some therapists and doctors didn’t really listen to me, rather they projected how they thought I should be feeling. Different therapies, including EMDR, have been shown to be effective against PTSD. There are medications that can be useful to limit the anxiety and to calm the mind and body. Additionally, mindfulness practices, including yoga and meditation, can also help to reset the sympathetic nervous system and regulate the release of stress hormones.

Allow the body to teach the mind how to relax.

In my case, medication helped me survive the first year while a combination of mindfulness training, yoga and exercise has alleviated most of the symptoms permanently. I still have moments of unexplained panic where a slight trigger causes an extreme reaction, but those moments are thankfully few and far between. I no longer feel like I’m a prisoner to my anxieties, trapped in a purgatory where I’m forced to relive those awful moments time and time again. I am now able to visit those memories without panic and live my life without waiting for the next blow.

I never formally acquired the label of PTSD, but it served to be a valuable framework for me to understand and communicate my symptoms and to eventually overcome them. Labels, such as PTSD, can be helpful as we try to understand a complex situation, but even they only tell part of the story. Be gentle and understanding with yourself and others. Don’t be quick to judge or make assumptions. Don’t be ashamed to ask for assistance and admit when you cannot do it alone. Seek the help you need and know that it does get better.

 

A review of Lessons From the End of a Marriage, the book that details my experience:

Lisa Arends does an effective job in writing about the aftermath, the fallout, of a life-changing shock, on the abrupt desolation of her marriage. The read is a well done walk through all the PTSD and repeating changes that occur, which is depicted in a letter written to her by her exited husband, the commentary on the letter under the umbrella of the devastating changes she experienced, emotionally, physically and logistically are a walk through the fact that PTSD is not just relegated to victims of war, but to any life encounter that uproots your very existence in a shocking manner. She’s a likeable author, an engaging woman, that you take to and feel for, because she portrays the story, the horror she lived, with veracity and integrity, to allow the facts to unfold on the page even if they point a finger back to her (ie: a text from her spouse to his mother-in-law, Lisa’s mother). Devastation upon devastation unravels and what we hold onto dearly is lost, not just in the relationship but also in the family built around it, fury and otherwise. Arends navigates through this debacle with grace and humility, filled with emotions that are painted with strokes that are sure to offer others in similar situations some reflections and ground; she labels as “Lessons” chapter after chapter, ultimately culminating in what she has learned, valuable life lessons, applicable to anyone. But, this is not just a self-help work, or a read for someone in a similar situation, it’s a compelling story of the frailty and misconceptions we all live with, the thin line of trust & betrayal, confidence and fright, love and rejection, all the things that make the paradoxes of life and keep a balance, hopefully the balance stays in some semblance of equilibrium. In Arends case she tilts off the scale and by the Grace of her very nature, the love of her family, and whatever else strength she draws from she journeys through to meet what is most precious to all of us, connecting and opening to trust (applause to Tiger, no spoilers) despite all temptations not to, and in doing so, learning the ultimate, that love does conquer and cannot be soiled by another’s shadow cast upon our soul.

In the book, I never name PTSD. I only describe the events and my reactions. Yet, here was a third party who deemed that to be an accurate label.

 

According to the Mayo Clinic, the following are the symptoms of PTSD:

Symptoms of intrusive memories may include:

  • Flashbacks, or reliving the traumatic event for minutes or even days at a time
  • Upsetting dreams about the traumatic event

Symptoms of avoidance and emotional numbing may include:

  • Trying to avoid thinking or talking about the traumatic event
  • Feeling emotionally numb
  • Avoiding activities you once enjoyed
  • Hopelessness about the future
  • Memory problems
  • Trouble concentrating
  • Difficulty maintaining close relationships

Symptoms of anxiety and increased emotional arousal may include:

  • Irritability or anger
  • Overwhelming guilt or shame
  • Self-destructive behavior, such as drinking too much
  • Trouble sleeping
  • Being easily startled or frightened
  • Hearing or seeing things that aren’t there

From Mayoclinic.com.

After I received the text that ended my marriage, I experienced many of these symptoms. I had the flashbacks and the dreams. I had trouble thinking and remembering. I couldn’t sleep and I frightened easily. But, most of all I trembled constantly, my autonomic nervous system was on high alert, waiting for the next assault.

At first, the triggers were everywhere. Driving along the road that passed by my old house felt like traversing a field with buried landmines. I fully expected an explosion at any moment. I responded as though every mention of his name was literally a threat to my life. At any moment, I could be catapulted back to instant where I received the text. It was as though the phone was always in my hand.

My psychiatrist that I saw that first year stopped short of a full PTSD diagnosis, but she mentioned the disorder and selected medications that are used to treat it. I honestly don’t think I would have made it through without the medications. They allowed me to sleep and eat – two things I could not yet accomplish on my own.

Over time, the triggers decreased. I learned how to sleep and eat without assistance. I stopped the medications and was able to use meditation and exercise to reduce any symptoms. I can still feel the shadows of the trauma when I feel like I’m being abandoned again but, for the most part, my mind and body no longer confuse real and perceived threats.