Betrayal
Marital Fraud: Questions Answered
My recent Huffington Post piece, It’s Not Fraud If You’re Married has generated some interesting and thoughtful questions. Here are the answers to some of them. It may make you think about your own situation.
Why don’t I take him to court to make him pay?
That’s a whole essay! Read it here: Why I Choose Not to Play Criminal Pursuit
Did we communicate about money?
My ex and I had discussions about finances (both the current state and goals) all of the time. It turns out; however, that he was feeding me lies, at least in the last several years of the marriage. I never had reason to doubt him and I saw occasional documents (now I know they were manufactured…did I mention he did graphics for a living?) that supported his claims. We had an agreement that any purchase above $100 had to be discussed with the other. I upheld my end of that bargain.
Did we live above our means?
Not even close! I drive an almost fourteen year car that I bought new in 1999 for $18,000. Until I received an iPhone last spring, I had a Nokia flip phone. Our house was cheap for the area ($130,000) and we put a substantial amount down. By the time he left, our combined monthly income was almost $6,000 after taxes and we only needed about $2,500 to live. Now, all of that being said, he did start to develop more expensive tastes. He purchased a 2005 Toyota 4-Runner (not the cheapest vehicle, but still a practical one for us), Kindle, and was on his 2nd iPhone. Of course, that was the stuff I knew about…
Where did the money go?
If you find out, please let me know! I have no idea where the money went. I discovered some purchases after he left, but they were rather small ( a videogame system, an additional bike). I also learned of trips and dinners/drinks out. But still, it doesn’t account for the copious sums he managed to make disappear (he could give David Copperfield a run for his money!). I could only track the money so far because it went into accounts that I did not have access to or was withdrawn as cash. Drugs? Gambling? A third wife? With this man, who knows? Yet another thing I have had to just let go of.
Why did he get the house?
He took out a home equity line without my knowledge. That meant that, at the time of the divorce, the house was worth what was owed on it. I had moved out of the house immediately and into a friend’s spare bedroom. I could not afford the house, literally or emotionally. It sat vacant during the 8 months of the divorce proceedings. I tried – through the lawyer layers – to convince him to sell the house. He did not cooperate. Then, he shocked us in court when he requested the house. He seemed to be under the delusion that it had equity. So, he got it. I guess he changed his mind once he realized it was a cash cow that he already bled.
Would a prenup have protected me?
Not really. All it would have been is another document stating that he owed me money. Civil cases take a certain amount of cooperation, regardless of prior agreements. I don’t think it would have made a difference at all to him.
Can’t he be jailed for contempt of court for not upholding the terms of the divorce decree?
Technically, yes. However, I would have to continue to push the system. And he would have to show up in court. There is a felony warrant out for his arrest. Last I knew, the IRS was trying to track him down. Do you really think he would show up at a hearing for not meeting terms of an agreement? Yeah, exactly. Plus, just to get to that point would cost me more money and steal more of my life away. No, thanks.
I realized soon after the divorce was final that I could either spend my life trying to punish him (and thus punishing myself in the process) or I could decide to live. I chose the latter.
For more information:
And, to read about how I learned to love and trust again, check out my book, Lessons From the End of a Marriage.
Why Criminal Pursuit is a Game I Refuse to Play
Here is my response to the oft-asked question. “Why don’t you find him and make him pay?”
See Me On the Jeff Probst Show Tomorrow, 10/9!
Forgiveness 101
Forgiveness. That word is often tossed about in hushed and almost reverent tones. It is the holy grail of one betrayed. Have you forgiven yet? We feel pushed to reach that nirvana, yet we are unsure how to navigate the labyrinthine path that leads us there. Nor are we even sure that we would recognize our destination once we have arrived. The trouble is that forgiveness will take on a different facade for every seeker and the path will vary depending upon who is stepping upon it. Even though forgiveness is an individual journey, there are some universal guideposts that can help you navigate your own way.
Understand What it is Not
Someone has wronged you. I get it. I’m not trying to take that away from you. Forgiveness is not a pardon. It is not excusing actions that are immoral or illegal. It is possible to accept the past, acknowledge the wrongs, but not be help prisoner by the actions of the object of your anger.
Blur
Forgiveness has always reminded me of one of those optical pictures where you have to relax your eyes and unfocus in order to see the image hidden in the pattern. If you look too hard and focus too much on absolution, it will remain hidden. Think of forgiveness like a shy kitten. If you lunge towards it and try to grab on, it will run away every time. Relax and soften and let it come to you.
Time
Forgiveness takes time. You can’t schedule it like an event upon a calendar (trust me, I tried). The time needed to forgive will differ for everyone. It doesn’t mean there is something wrong with you if it takes you longer than it did your friend. Be patient and allow it to unfold on its own schedule. I know, it is easier said than done, but that is the nature of this elusive beast.
Keep Living
Luckily, while you’re waiting for the forgiveness fairy, you can keep living. Don’t put your life on hold. Move forward and move on. Surround yourself with people that bring you joy. Play. Laugh. That ember that still burns inside does not weigh so much that you cannot move despite it. Live as though you have forgiven.
Gratitude
Gratitude and anger and mutually exclusive. Be mindful of what you have and (brace yourself, this is the hard part) what you gained from the person that you need to forgive. I know, your shackles went up. “That ^#%^&? How can I be grateful?? He/She did _______ to me!!” True. I’m not trying to take that away from you. You have a right to be angry. But you also have a right to see the good. Look for it.
Remove the Ego
We all find humor in the self-centered world of the 5 year old, yet we really haven’t evolved that much from kindergarten. When things happen around us, we have a tendency to believe that they happened to us. For example, your child comes home and immediately is defiant and argumentative. Your defences go up and you perceive your progeny’s behaviors as an attack. If you take a moment and breathe and remove yourself from the equation, you most likely realize that the instigation for the behavior is probably something that happened at school minutes or hours before. Spouses are no different. Perhaps you weren’t really a target after all, just collateral damage.
Humanize
We are familiar with the concept of putting someone on a pedestal when we idolize them. We essentially do the same when we demonize a person. It can be easy at those extremes to see a person as two-dimensional, flat. We conveniently remove those characteristics that do not fit our perception. The truth is that we are all human in our messy and sometimes contradictory three dimensionality. Allow yourself to see the human side of the object of your anger. Let your own humanness peek out as well.
Start With Yourself
It is amazing as you take the journey of forgiveness how much changes as your perspective moves. You may be surprised that the target, the object of your wrath has shifted to yourself. We don’t like to be angry at ourselves; it feels traitorous, so we often project it on another. Like with everything, you have to begin with yourself. Soften to your mistakes. We all make them. Be gentle with yourself yet firm in your intentions. Let it go. It’s okay.
How will you know when you have reached your destination? There is no placard that says, “You are here.” No one stands at the gate and hands you a medal. Perhaps forgiveness is best described as peace. I hope you can find your own nirvana. Please leave breadcrumbs for those who follow behind.
You can read about my own journey to forgiveness in Lessons From the End of a Marriage.
Lessons From the End of a Marriage 