16 Things I Wish I Knew On the Day My Husband Left Me

Posted on by stilllearning2b

The text read, “I’m sorry to be such a coward leaving you this way, but I’m leaving you and leaving the state.”

My world collapsed.

I did too.

Here’s what I wish I could tell that woman folded on the floor, trying to process those words from her husband –

 

1 – You will spend so much energy on things that don’t matter.

It all seems so important right now – Why is he doing this? What is causing him to act this way? How could he say that he loved me and yet betray me behind my back? You are going to spend so many sleepless nights agonizing over these questions. Your journal – and later your blog – will be filled with unanswered “Whys,” because you believe that you need those answers in order to be free.

But eventually, as those pleas for understanding remain unanswered, you’ll come to realize that it matters so much less than you thought it did. That the things that really matter are right in front of you and that your energy is better spent forward than on paying the parking meters in the past.

 

2 – Details that seem so important now will be forgotten.

You’re going to obsess over the details of his double life, holding up the life you thought you had to what you now know like one of those “What is Different?” spreads in Highlights Magazine. It will seem so critical to uncover every detail and reveal every lie. It will give you a sense of control even as your world spins around you. If you just know all of the pieces, then maybe you can put yourself back together again.

Those memories, so painfully imprinted on your mind right now, will fade like a bruise over time. You will forget the curve of his cheek, no longer remember those shared moments clearly and even those painful images from the end will become blurry and distant.

 

3 – Things that feel impossible will happen.

In a few days, you’re going to discover that you are the victim of financial abuse. And the fallout of this is going to feel impossible to ever climb out of. But don’t underestimate yourself. You’re a fighter. It’s going to take you several years, but you WILL rebuild and pay off all of the debt he has left you with.

Those other things that feel impossible right now – trusting again, loving again, being happy again – those are going to happen too. You got this.

 

4 – Those words that hurt so much will be seen for the projection that they are.

Through letters to others and emails to his lawyer, he is going to say some horrible things. Words that will cut deeply and echo through your head for years to come. A part of you will immediately know that none of what he is saying is true. But a bigger part – the part that trusted him and valued his opinions for so long – is going to internalize what he said.

Gather up all of the evidence you can to refute his projection and gaslighting BS. He’s painting you out to be the bad guy in an attempt to make himself look better. One day, you’ll be able to see his words for what are – the desperate lies of a desperate man.

 

5 – You’re going to learn some shocking things. Don’t get too hung up on it.

Your life is about to go full-on reality television as the revelations come one after another. The shocking details are going to bring about a strange sort of energy, a rush that temporarily cuts through the sadness. In a way, you come to look forward to the next thing because it tells you that you are still alive.

For a time, you are going to hold to those shocking elements as something that sets you apart, makes your situation different than anyone else’s. As you meet others and hear their stories, you will realize that although your divorce makes a damn good story, the healing from it is really no different than it is for anyone else.

 

6 – You will shift from “Why didn’t he want me?” to “Why he doesn’t deserve me.”

Rejection hurts. And sudden rejection from the person you loved (and though loved you) is horrific. You are going to spend a lot of time thinking about what must have been wrong with you for him to discard you so easily.

But with time and perceptive, you’re going to realize that none of this was about you. He was on a path of destruction and you were just collateral damage.

 

7 – You’re not broken and you’re not unlovable.

You know that sweater that you adore? That one you got from Goodwill almost 20 years ago that still looks brand new? Well, someone once discarded that sweater, thinking that it had no value to them.

You’re kind of like that sweater. Someone has discarded you, but that doesn’t mean that you have no value. You may be shattered, but you’re not broken. You may be lost, but you’re not unlovable.

 

8 – He’s been lying to you, but you’ve been lying to yourself too.

You’re going to uncover his lies first. After all, they’re pretty easy to spot once you know which thread to pull to unravel it all. The lies you’ve been telling yourself will take longer to see. You’ve told yourself that you can’t live without him, but you can. Your subconscious mind believed that you couldn’t handle the truth, but you can. You thought that if you played by the rules, you couldn’t get hurt. That if you stayed quiet to keep the peace, that everything would be okay.

It’s going to be scary to face those truths. But you can do it.

 

9 – You’re having a perfectly normal reaction to a completely crazy situation.

There will be moments where you are going to feel crazy, when the situation seems like the fiction spun by an unstable mind and your reactions are outside of your control. Your sobs are going to come so hard that you worry you’re going to somehow tear your body apart. The confusion will leave unable to make even the smallest decision.

None of this is a reflection on you. You’re doing the best you can in a completely crazy situation. The good news? The situation – and your reactions – are temporary.

 

10 – You are going to screw some things up and that’s okay.

You’re going to send emails to him that sounds pathetic and pleading and others that make you sounds like a raging lunatic. You’re going to put your faith – and by extension, your paycheck, into the court system, thinking that they will bring about some sort of justice. You will let your anger about the ongoing financial betrayal consume you and impact those around you. You are going to date too soon and swing between being too available and too distant.

And all of that is okay. There may be thousands of “How to Rebuild Your Life” manuals, but that’s because you only know how to do it once you’ve done. As long as you’re moving forward, it’s okay if you’re making (lots of) missteps.

 

11 – You will have to find a way to live without justice or closure.

You’re going to think that you need an apology from him and some sort of justice through the court system in order to move on. For the better part of year, you will wait. But the apology will never come, the criminal trial will fizzle out with a diversion and the divorce decree will never be enforced.

You will be angry. You will be devastated. You will feel stuck. And then you’ll decide that it doesn’t matter and that damn it, he’s taken enough from you already and you refuse to let him have any more. And so you pack up all that reliance on outside factors to decide when you can move on and you just get to it.

 

12 – Your brain will protect you from acknowledging too much at a time.

The abandonment came as a shock. The betrayal and financial abuse were the aftershocks that rapidly followed. Now, your brain is on the defensive. It’s acting to protect you from any further harm. This is a good thing, because it gives you the space you need to acclimate to each new piece of information.

But it also means that processing all of this cannot be rushed. This is like a great big hunk of steak. The only way to get through it is by taking small bites and giving yourself time to fully chew.

 

13 – There will be surprising benefits to all of this that eventually you’ll be able to appreciate.

You’re going to like who you become on the other side of this. You’re going to learn so much about yourself and about the world and you’re going to find some really neat ways to put that knowledge into use.

You are going to have so much gratitude about what you do have and compassion for yourself and others. Even the worst experiences can have silver linings if you know where to look.

14 – Healing will take longer than you think.

At first, you think that you’ll be better by the time the divorce is final. Then, you will reluctantly extend that timeline to a year. Then another. You’re going to have months strung together with no issues and then you’ll walk headfirst into another trigger when you’re not looking.

Healing does not speak calendar. It is going to take longer than you think. Don’t forget to live in the meantime.

 

15 – You will meet some amazing people.

Any second now, your dad is going to rush to your side. And he won’t leave it. He’ll be followed by your mom and then one friend after another. You are going to become very aware of the support that you’ve always has around you.

And then once you’re back out in the world, you are going to meet so many amazing people. People that inspire you, challenge you, teach you. People that you never would have met if it wasn’t for all this.

 

1 6 -Your world will become bigger.

You’re going to dream bigger and have the courage to take those leaps of faith.

How I Recovered From Spousal Abandonment and Betrayal

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Are you struggling with recovery from abandonment or betrayal?

I wish there was a recipe for healing after the demise of a marriage – add these ingredients, sift out these elements, let the concoction rest for a specified period of time and then apply heat to set it in place. But divorce is not so simple. Not only do cooking times vary, but the ingredients are as diverse as the stories.

So, don’t look at this as a specified and exacting recipe that has to be followed to the letter to create a favorable outcome. Rather, consider these suggestions and feel free to add, subtract or manipulate ingredients to suit your taste and your resources.

These are the steps and strategies I used to find peace with my past, happiness in my present and excitement for my future:

I Believed I Would Be Okay

The reality hit like a cannonball to the gut. My body slid to the floor as my brain attempted to make sense of it all. Even in those early moments, when I had to face the truth that the man I adored had been systematically destroying everything I loved, I believed I would be okay again. I had no idea how I would get there; the future was one big question mark after another, but I held fast to the idea that there would be an “other side” of the hell I was thrust into.

I Asked For and Accepted Help

I was beyond fortunate that my dad was with me when I received the news and that the rest of the family soon rallied to render aid. I composed an email to them that let them know how best they could help.  I set aside my stubborn independence to move in with a friend when she offered her spare room. After declaring that I did not want medication, I listened when others advised it was needed. I went from a leader at school to the cared-for one. And I accepted every offer of help.

accept help divorce

I Surrounded Myself With the Right People

Until I experienced it, I was unaware that sudden spousal abandonment was even a thing. In the early days, I desperately turned to Google for answers and to assure myself that I wasn’t alone. I stumbled upon message boards where shocked and grieving spouses shared their stories of the awful and traumatic ends. After posting my own story, I logged off for good. Although I felt comfort at knowing this had happened to others besides me, I didn’t want to focus on the pain. Instead, I intentionally surrounded myself with the right people – compassionate even though they didn’t understand and positive even though they would bitch along with me.

I Wrote, Posted and Tracked Goals

There was so much I could not control. I couldn’t go back in time and change my choices. I could not alter my ex’s actions. I couldn’t speed up or steer the legal process. So I grabbed on to what I could influence. I wrote and posted twelve goals for the year ahead: everything from running a race (my first) to making two new friends. Some of the goals were multi-faceted and overwhelming (find a new job), whereas others were simple and direct (learn to cook one gluten free meal to excellence). Those goals were all written with healing in mind; they were my stepping stones to happiness and gave me some much-needed control when everything else was insanity.

 

I Embraced Dark Humor

I started making jokes about the situation mere days after it happened. It wasn’t funny. Not really. But it was absurd. And whenever I could choose between laughter and tears, I opted for the former. Of course, they often commingled. Humor was an outlet to vent that was more uplifting than simply complaining or bemoaning. It served as a unifying factor as others joined in on the jokes. Perhaps most importantly, humor was a reminder that you cannot always change a situation, but you can always change the lens you view it through.

I Used Anger as Repellent and Propellent

The primary emotion I felt in those months was rage. I harnessed that anger and used it as fuel. I allowed the anger towards my ex to help me disengage from the man I had entrusted half my life to. I filled the void he left with wrath and I used that anger to keep me moving forward. The anger was ugly, yet without it, I still would have been a crumpled mess on the floor. Eventually, I had to learn how to release the anger once its purpose had been served. That was the difficult part.

I Accepted Responsibility For My Own Well-Being

In the beginning, I wanted my ex to accept the responsibility for his actions and for the fallout. He never did. And eventually I realized that it didn’t matter. I could wait around forever for him to change, or I could take my own happiness by the reigns and accept the responsibility for my own well-being. I shifted my focus from what happened to what I was going to do with it. The abandonment and betrayal were not my fault, but it was my responsibility to ensure that they didn’t capsize me.

I Did What Felt Right Rather Than What I Was “Supposed” to Do

Join a support group. Swear off of men for a year. Move back home. I heard it all. But I did what felt right to me at the time. My decisions may not have always been the best; there are a lot of missteps as you’re learning to navigate a new world, but they were steps of my own choosing. Part of the reason I ended up in that situation was from not listening to my gut. I was determined to not make that mistake again. So I followed my instincts even when they went against the conventional wisdom.

I Replaced Pity With Purpose

It was easy to feel sorry for myself. Easy, but useless. Much like people who have found lasting sobriety through AA, I used writing and sharing to create purpose from the pain. I needed to find a way to balance out the bad with the good. I see it like taken the molten remains and channeling them into a mold to create something new. It didn’t relieve the pain, but it kept it from drowning me.

I Made Fun a Priority

I said “yes” to every invitation. I sought out new experiences. I pared down my “have-tos” to give more precedence to the “want tos.” I filled my calendar with scheduled smiles, intentionally book-ending every upcoming “bad” day with fun days. I didn’t always feel like having fun; I would cry on the way there, but I would rarely cry on the way home. The fun took me out of my head for a few blessed hours. It was a needed reminder that life goes on and that I didn’t have to wait until I was healed to enjoy it.

I Experimented Until I Found the Tools That Worked For Me

I identified my needs – namely, reducing anxiety, finding acceptance and limiting overthinking, and tried different strategies until I found ones that worked for me. After some trial and error, I settled on running for reducing the anxious energy, journaling for processing, meditation for getting out of my head and yoga for finding acceptance. As my needs changed, the tools changes as well.

I Learned to See the Good

At first glance, there was nothing good about the ordeal. So I looked again. And again until I could see the benefits. And then I embraced them. To the point where I am now happy that my life didn’t go as planned.

Grow divorce

I Approached Healing With Laser Focus

I looked at finding peace, acceptance and happiness as the most important job I would ever have. I knew that if I didn’t find a way to heal, not only would it limit me, but the negative energy would also seep into those around me. I set my sights on where I wanted to be and worked to align every thought and action with that goal.

It starts with hope. And it happens with baby steps towards that intention.

 

What is a Tsunami Divorce?

Posted on by stilllearning2b

English: Tsunami hazard sign

What is a Tsunami Divorce?

A tsunami divorce is one that completely blindsides a spouse, flattening him or her with a wave that was never spotted.  A tsunami divorce is characterized by a normal marriage and a normal life up until the moment of total and utter destruction.  The spouse that embodies the wave may simply disappear, abandoning their significant other with little to no communication or explanation.  Infidelity, substance abuse, and mental illness can all play a role in a tsunami divorce.  The causes of a tsunami divorce are rooted in the past and far away from the marriage.  These contributing factors lay buried beneath the placid sea of the marriage until they burst forth in a great wall of destruction.

 

What Are the Effects of a Tsunami Divorce?

A tsunami divorce catches the other spouse completely off guard; it is a shock and awe campaign that leaves the survivor stunned and disoriented. One of the more damaging effects of a tsunami divorce is the survivor’s tendency to question him or herself about why no signs were spotted.  Others in their lives may echo this sentiment.  It is difficult to come to terms with the fact that the signs may have been minimal or only visible in the rearview mirror.  The survivor is left devastated by the end of the marriage, confused as to why it occurred, feeling foolish for being “taken,” and angry at the tsunami spouse.

 

How Does a Tsunami Divorce Differ From Other Divorces?

Most divorces have a long, slow decline or a visible, yet rapidly building disintegration.  This leads to a protracted period where one or both partners are wondering if they should stay or go.  There are nights spent feeling alone while one remains in the marital home.  There are difficult discussions and perhaps heated arguments.  One or both partners may be holding on to hope that things will get better or that he/she will change his/her mind.  This is a painful process that can slow or even stall healing.  On the other hand, it also allows time for pre-grieving of the marriage and it gives both partners a voice in the divorce.

In contrast, a tsunami divorce is sudden.  The marriage is often good up until the point it simply doesn’t exist anymore.  There are no painful discussions.  In fact, there are no discussions at all, which can leave the survivor feeling as though their voice has been stolen.  There is no chance to pre-grieve, but the healing process can be easier as the abrupt amputation leaves no room for false hopes and no hesitation in the correct path to follow.

 

What Are Some of the Lessons That Can be Learned by the Survivors of a Tsunami Divorce?

1) Understand that the causes of the tsunami are found in the past and far away. Don’t spend too much time there.
2) Examine your own tsunami warning system.  Did your fears and anxieties cause you to look away from some signs of the impending disaster?
3) Realize that, although your devastation was complete, the flattened earth is a clean slate.
4) Don’t be afraid to rebuild.  Statistically speaking, tsunamis are pretty rare.

 

Struggling to recover after being flattened by your own tsunami? Learn how to surf the overwhelming wave.

 

You can read the entire story of my tsunami divorce in my book Lessons From the End of a Marriage, available on Amazon.

 

 

Feels Like I’ve Been Here Before

Posted on by stilllearning2b

I keep getting the strange sense of deja vu.

Feeling like I’ve been here before.

Which is crazy on the surface of things. After all, this is a global pandemic, the likes of which have not been seen for 100 years.

None of us have been here before.

Yet, for those of us who have been through one or more of those life-altering moments – the discovery of infidelity, abandonment, sudden and profound loss – this may feel strangely familiar. After all, we know what it’s like to wake one morning to discover that the world we knew, the world which we trusted to ground us, no longer exists.

We are familiar with the grief that sneaks up and tugs at our guts when we’re not paying attention. And we are no longer surprised when we grieve the small things as much as the big ones.

We’ve experienced that strange sense of disbelief, of thinking that somehow this is all just a tragic mistake and that the reality we knew simply needs to be recovered.

We know the fear that comes with the uncertainty and the deep craving to return to a sense of safety. And we know that over time the belief things will return to normal is replaced with an acceptance that a sense of peace only comes once we’ve adapted to the new situation.

We’ve lived through that life turned upside-down, where the normally innocuous things have become threats hidden around every corner.

We’ve endured those long nights wishing things could be different before we dry our tears and pledge to focus on what we can control. And we learn both how small our influence is and also how powerful it can be.

We’ve tried to run away from our pain in the hope that we can distract our way out of it only to find that it cannot be outrun.

We’ve been through those moments of utter defeat when we feel like we’re not strong enough to get through this, only somehow we manage to make it through that day. And then the next.

This may be new. You haven’t been through this challenge yet.

But you’ve made it through others.

You know what to do.

 

What One-Star Reviews Can Teach Us About Personal Rejection

Posted on by stilllearning2b

I recently discovered (and have been devouring) a new-to-me author, Christian Galacar, who is often compared to Stephen King. After I finished my first download of his, I visited the Amazon page to learn more about him and what else he had published. I soon found myself going down the rabbit hole of reading some of the hundreds of posted reviews about the book.

Most were positive. The majority were fair.

And then there were the reviews that accompanied a single star.

And most of those were utter nonsense.

They were interesting reading because they had no emotional associations for me, I could scan them for generalizations and patterns. And in doing so, I realized that there is much in common with these one-star reviews and rejection in personal relationships –

 

One-Star Review Reason – “I haven’t used this product or service.”

I’m planning on surprising my husband with dinner at a local place that promises to serve Maryland-style crab cakes. Since I have never been there, I checked them out online to get a better sense of the establishment. I ran across a one-star review by a woman who admitted to never never eating at the restaurant and then proceeded to slam them for everything from food quality to service. Ummm…. what?

Personal Rejection Equivalent – “I was never present in the relationship.”

“We’re just not connecting,” they may say, ignoring the fact that they haven’t even looked in your direction in months. They are quick to blame you and even quicker to ignore the fact that their claims are based on assumptions.

_______

One-Star Review Reason – “I don’t like this type of thing.”

One of the poor reviews for my new author obsession mentioned that the reader doesn’t appreciate horror novels. Yet they proceeded to download – and negatively review – a book that is clearly marketed as horror. Completely confusing personal preference as being a sign of poor quality.

Personal Rejection Equivalent – “I don’t like this type of person.”

If we give them the benefit of the doubt, maybe they were not aware of their preferences in the beginning. Or maybe they thought that other qualities would somehow make this other thing not matter. Regardless, they made a poor choice for their needs or wants in the beginning and then tried to pass it off as being your fault.

_______

One-Star Review Reason – “I always give one-star reviews.”

For our recent vacation, I perused many Tripadvisor reviews. Before I gave a one-star review any credence, I checked the poster’s other reviews. And oftentimes, I noted that they were all negative. Some people are simply never happy, even when they’re on vacation.

Personal Rejection Equivalent – “I’m never satisfied in a relationship.”

And what’s the common denominator here? Hmmm. If they are never happy, that’s on them. Not you.

_______

One-Star Review Reason – “I can’t get beyond…”

Maybe the food was amazing, but the server seemed a little distracted. Or, the book was amazing but the ending didn’t meet expectations. Whatever the reasons, these reviewers allow one element to taint the entire experience.

Personal Rejection Equivalent – “I expect perfection and have trouble letting go of mistakes.”

This is the person with unrealistic expectations who also likes to hold a grudge. That one time you forgot to pick up milk at the grocery store two years ago? I bet you’re still hearing about it. No matter how much you try to please this person, it will always feel like playing Whack-a-Mole.

_______

One-Star Review Reason – “Through my lens…”

When I first started sharing publicly, the reviews and comments often gutted me. Except this style, which simply confused me at the beginning. “You never showed your husband any affection or attention. It’s no wonder he left you. What did you expect him to do? Live in a loveless marriage unhappy for the rest of his life?” Huh? This in no way described or marriage or matched what I had shared. And then it dawned on me – this man wasn’t really reviewing me. He was reviewing his ex-wife.

Personal Rejection Reason – “I feel this, therefore you feel this.”

Ah, projection. Our old friend. It’s a convenient way to avoid responsibility.

 

Most things in life – and that includes relationships – are neither one-star or five-star. Most things exist in the between, a mixture of both good and bad. There are things to critique and improve upon and also things to recognize and celebrate. And anyone who claims otherwise is either selling something, hiding something or trying to avoid something.