Where Is He Now?

Posted on by stilllearning2b

When I share my story, one of the most frequent questions I get is, “Where is he now?”  I don’t know the answer to that question. Here is what I do know.

From the day he left in July of 2009 until the divorce in 2010, I kept tabs on him.  I had my ways.   From this, I learned that his wife, who left him upon his arrest, elected to take him back (I even knew when she had dental work done).  I knew he spent time at his parent’s house in our hometown.  He visited his wife’s family.  I knew the newlyweds went to Uganda in February of 2010.  If you’re looking for a laugh, try telling your divorce attorney that your husband is in Africa with his wife (showering with monkeys, according to her blog) weeks before his court date.  Based upon the look on her face, I don’t think she gets that one much…  I kept up with him over those months because his actions still affected me.  He still could harm me financially; his presence in court could change the outcome, and I was still afraid of running into him.

The last day I checked on his where-a-bouts was the day after the divorce.  I figure at this point, his story is no longer tied to mine, and I don’t want to live my life trying to figure out what he is doing.  This decision has not always been easy.  He has not upheld his financial or legal obligations in the divorce, with the IRS, or in the felony bigamy charge.  There are times that I am so angry, that I want to find him and try to make him face these issues.  The reality is that I don’t want to be his bounty hunter, even if it means I never get the money owed me.

There are also times that curiosity tries to get the best of me.  Is he alive or dead?  In the country or an ex-pat?  Still with the wife?  Living in the same area where I might run into him? These are just questions that I really don’t need to know the answer to.  Right now, all I have is the hope that wherever he is, he is not lying, manipulating, and devastating anyone else.  The only place he exists for me is in my memories and that is where I want him to stay.

More Information: Who Is He?

Update: A Strange Place to Be

Update April 2013: Facing the Dragon

To read the rest of the story, click here.

Anger is a Succubus

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Anger.   It is so easy to go there.  To stay there.

Why did he do this to me?  How could he have done these things? What a (fill in the blank with your favorite expletive)!

That anger is a succubus; she’ll draw you in, tempting you, and then slowly suck you dry, leaving you brittle while the object of the anger remains untouched.  Anger leaves you in a victim state, powerless.  It is only by releasing this anger that you can take your own reigns from the soul-sucking creature and chart your path.

Take yourself out of the object in the sentences above and make yourself the subject.  What can I do to make my life better?  What can I do now that these things have happened.  Okay, so maybe the expletives can still stand.  They certainly have their place, after all:)  That shifts the power back to you.

Not that it is easy. I still slide back into anger when I have to deal with the financial fallout of my ex-husband’s years of manipulations and deceptions.  Try staying calm when you are faced with paying the bill for the wedding rings used to marry another while you are still betrothed.  Any luck?  Yeah, me neither.

The anger has been the hardest to let go of, even more than sadness. However, I refuse to let that succubus feed off me any longer.

Here are  some of my strategies for moving beyond anger.

Anger Deflation

Practicing What I Preach

Radical Gratitude

Forgiveness 101

Writing Through Divorce

What has helped you?  Are you still angry?

The Healing Power of Pumpkin (and a recipe too!)

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Okay, so maybe that’s a bit of hyperbole, but I am sure that it has some truth.  I pretty much have an all-out addiction to pumpkin.  Remember the Great Pumpkin Shortage of 2010?  What, you don’t remember?  Well, I’m sure my poor UPS guy has not so fond memories of those few months when he had to haul my weekly flat (22 lbs, if you’re counting) of pumpkin up 3 flights of stairs.

What did I do with all that pumpkin, you ask?

Not pies.  Not for me.  Most of it went into oatmeal, but I always saved some for my favorite, dessert-style protein shake.

Pumpkin Pie Protein Shake Recipe

3-4 ice cubes

1/2 cup canned pumpkin

1 scoop vanilla whey protein

1 tsp pumpkin pie seasoning

1 tbsp flax seed

1 cup unsweetened vanilla almond milk

Blend all ingredients in a blender until smooth.  Yum:)

One of the great side effects of pumpkin  – it will help to give your skin a sun-touched glow with no sun required!

Myths? …or mythical thinking?

Posted on by stilllearning2b

The article, 3 Myths About Happy Marriages on PsychCentral introduced myths that are based on the work of John Gottman, Ph.D and his book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. I think these myths, although possessing some truth, are a bit of a slippery slope.

Myth 1: Better Communication Will Not Save Your Marriage

If the marriage is on rocky footing, talking will not bring in the rescue copters.  And, as the article states, it is difficult to remain calm and rational in the midst of a perceived attack (I know those “I” statements well, after growing up with a counselor for a mom, and even I can’t maintain that poise in a heated discussion).  My concern comes from the implication that communication is not important;  that a marriage can exist in the spaces between withheld information.  I cannot work well with a coworker when there is not adequate communication; I’m not sure how a marriage is supposed to thrive.

Myth 2: Avoiding Conflict Will Kill Your Marraige

Not every need can be expected to be met, and sometimes conflict is just because of a grouchy mood,but there is a danger to not addressing legitimate concerns.  In retrospect, I realize that my marriage was conflict-avoidant; I tended to shy away from problems due to anxiety and my ex-husband refrained from conflict in order to not trigger my anxiety.   As a result, the problems grew too large for anyone to face.

Myth 3: Reciprocity Underlies Happy Marriages

I once knew a couple who kept a scorecard on the fridge to keep track of the “he dids” and “she dids.”  I don’t think they were very happy!  However, I do think reciprocity is essential in a marriage  in terms of mutual respect, and that this respect takes the form of acts of service or kindness for the other person.  Tallies shouldn’t have to be drawn, but each person should be operating with the other in mind.

All marriages are different (my current relationship is quite unlike my marriage in many ways), but I think that each of these myths has a place in a healthy relationship.

Winter Does Not Have to Mean Discontent

Posted on by stilllearning2b

The end of a marriage reminds me of a winter landscape.  All is laid bare.  The adornments and filigree are gone, leaving the structure exposed to the biting wind.  Its beauty is found in perspective.  In appreciating the rough nature of the bark, showing its scars and wear.  In gazing at the complexity of the interconnected branches in wonder.  In seeing the potential in every limb, every bud.  In imagining the new growth, just barely hidden below the surface, that will be revealed by the touch of the warm sun.

The winter of a marriage is also a time for viewing the underneath, what is left when all the distractions are stripped away.  It is a time to see yourself, your marriage, as it is, not as it may appear.  It is also a time to daydream about what can be and what can grow.

I spent most of the winters of my married days analyzing my garden (actually a barely-tamed almost acre plot) and pouring over flower catalogs, dreaming of the beauty I could create the following spring.  I spent the winter of my marriage examining the structure of my relationship and imagining the life I wanted when the sun began to shine again.  Too bad they don’t make life catalogs where you can peruse and select the elements you want!