I Can’t, I Won’t, I Don’t and I’ll Never

Posted on by stilllearning2b

  I really did have a great marriage.  In retrospect, though, I’ve realized that he never really challenged me.  I am not saying that as a dig against him, or claiming that the responsibility was his, it is just how it was.  I could easily say “I can’t, I won’t, I don’t or I’ll never” and he never questioned it.  It was comfortable.  I developed a rather static view of myself, content to be what I was in many areas.  I did push myself, but only in areas where I was comfortable pushing (which are never the areas that need improvement, are they?).  Even though this was a lesson I didn’t want to learn, I  learned the value in pushing oneself in the areas that cause discomfort.  It just might surprise you (as it did me) how many of those, “I wont’s” become “I can’t wait to’s.”

Here are some  of the items that were on my “can’t” list that are now on my “bring it on” list:

-riding a motorcycle (sorry, mom!)

-running a race (warning – these are addictive)

-eating spicy foods (I now have to restock chili powder and Tabasco every couple weeks)

-enjoying sports (don’t mention last week’s playoffs…)

-learning to play chess (I’m still pretty crummy, but it’s progress)

-kissing another man (strange at first, but not too hard to get used to)

-cooking (see “I’m Not Martha Stewart…”

-having a dog again (you’ll hear more about this one later)

-trusting again

-loving again

It is not the responsibility of those in our life to push and challenge us; it is something we must take on ourselves.  As a teacher, I am fully aware that growth occurs when I keep the students slightly uncomfortable, just a little beyond where they want to go.  Likewise, we can grow when we take ourselves beyond what we think we can do.  What can you transfer from your “I can’t, I won’t, I don’t, and I’ll never” list?  How can you challenge yourself?

Softness Isn’t Just for Selling Tissues

Posted on by stilllearning2b

When I was a toddler, I used to try to walk through the sliding glass door.  Repeatedly.  The coffee table was simply an apparition that should bend to my will and allow me passage.  Even the bulk of the couch was no match for my will; I assumed that it too could be bested if I tried long enough and hard enough.

As I approached adulthood and learned about the states of matter,I realized that my chances of walking through solids were pretty slim.  However, this did little to temper my will and stubbornness.  These traits saw me through many challenges in my life; I succeeded because I refused to give up.  I worked to make myself stronger, both physically and emotionally to see me through the challenges that life had to offer.  I had perseverance and reliance in droves.

It wasn’t enough. At least not for the long run.

My strength got me through the early days and months of my divorce.  I looked to my fortitude to help me push through what seemed like insurmountable obstacles.

Then, one day, I realized the external obstacles were gone.  All that was left were my interior barriers, and try as I might, I couldn’t simply lower my head and barrel through them.  This was not a  time for strength.

I found  wisdom in the teachings of yoga and meditation, areas that I had been exploring, sensing that they could counter my natural strengths and bring me more into balance.  In yoga, you are taught to find your edge, accept your edge, explore your edge (not to pretend it is not there and continue forward nonetheless, as  I was wont to do).  Pain is not something to  be denied, rather it should be acknowledged and  investigated.  I learned to recognize my edge and slowly, softly shift it.  I became more comfortable just being with the pain, softening my attitude towards it.  The process of healing from the trauma made me softer, and that in turn made me stronger and more whole.

Strength found its balance in softness.  The two together are so much more powerful than each alone.  Try as I might, I still can’t walk through furniture, though.

The First Tears of the New Year…

Posted on by stilllearning2b

and I am happy to report that they are tears of relief.  Validation.  Gratitude.

What prompted these tears, you ask?

A letter and check in the mail from none other than the IRS.  Along with his other deceptions, my ex-husband was apparently dishonest on taxes, filing different information that what I was shown. I first learned of this when a certified letter arrived at the house days after he left, demanding payment for a 2006 audit.  The certified format was evidence that he had been aware of and dodging the issue for  some time.  I immediately paid that bill and the three others that arrived over the next two years.

In the divorce decree, he was declared responsible for reimbursing me for those back taxes.  That money never came.

Once I realized he was not going to step forward and accept his responsibility, I applied for Innocent Spouse Relief with the IRS.  I knew that this was a long shot; only a small percentage of applicants are granted relief and these usually have years of abuse documented.  I spent a weekend gathering evidence to support my claim: screenshots of his text messages, his mugshot, his emails with his wife, his trip information to Uganda, joint account statements showing my paycheck going to pay for a pre-honeymoon in Brazil, and a synopsis of the whole story.  I chuckled, thinking of the face of the person on the other end opening up the package that contained the makings of a soap opera.

It worked.  They granted me relief.

Today I received my first check reimbursing me for what I paid.  I am thankful for the money (it has been a very expensive few years), but I am more grateful to be believed, especially from a huge bureaucratic organization.  To be  labeled “innocent” is more precious to me than anything.

So, tonight I cried, some of the feelings of injustice washing away with the tears.

I’m No Martha Stewart, But I Found My Kitchen

Posted on by stilllearning2b

As a long-time vegetarian, I’ve always been aware of eating healthy. Until the last couple years; however, I was content to use my kitchen as a receptacle for frozen dinners and a storage location for my microwave. I led a busy life, and I used that to explain why I never cooked.

After the divorce, I began to find a new found respect for the kitchen. I was surprised to find that it was the room I was most excited about once I had my own space again. I almost didn’t recognize myself as I began to collect recipes and cookbooks, wander through farmer’s markets, and enjoy Sunday mornings in the kitchen with NPR on the radio.

I discovered that it felt good to cook, to spend time preparing healthy and nourishing food.  I enjoyed sharing food and recipes with others, especially when I could help to introduce them to vegetarian cooking or a new way of eating.  My health improved and my weight stabilized as I replaced prepared foods with fresh.

My life is still busy, and I’m no Martha Stewart, but now I prepare most foods from scratch. Below is a flexible recipe for one of my favorite salads.  It got its name because I made it for a special someone on his birthday this past year:)

Birthday Salad

1 bag baby spinach

1/2 red onion, sliced

4 oz mushrooms, sliced

1 cucumber, sliced

1/2 grilled asparagus, cut into 1″ pieces (optional)

4 tbsp feta cheese

2 tbsp walnut pieces

Dressing:

4 tbsp pomegranate seeds

1 tbsp olive oil

1 clove garlic, minced

1/4 cup balsamic vinegar

alt and pepper, to taste

Blend dressing ingredients in blender until smooth.  Mix all ingredients in a large bowl.

This recipe is easy to adapt to your preferences and what you have on hand. Some additional add-in ideas: marinated and baked tofu slices, artichoke hearts, Portobello slices marinated in port, or chicken strips.  To make it vegan, replace the feta with diced, high quality black olives.

Five Reasons My Cat is Smarter Than Me

Posted on by stilllearning2b

My cat, who has been with me for the last 15 years,  has never been known for her intellectual prowess.  However, I had recently had to admit that she is, in fact, smarter than me for the reasons enumerated below:

1)  She Know How to Nap

My cat can go from full-on gecko chasing mode to comatose in no time flat.  She never has to read or go through elaborate rituals to fall asleep.  She never complains that her to-do list is too long to rest for a bit.  She doesn’t worry if the bed (or couch, or floor) isn’t “just right.”  She simply sleeps when she wants.  Maybe next time I want to nap, I’ll try chasing geckos first.

2) She Lets Her Needs be Known Clearly

Now, granted her needs are fairly simple: food, water, and a clean litter box, but, nevertheless, she always makes sure her caretakers know what she needs.  She doesn’t hint around or expect mind-reading, just vocalizes to garner attention and then leads the nearest human to the vessel that needs attention.

3) She Accepts What Is

I have to admit, I am  making some assumptions here, but I think  it is safe to conclude that Ms. Kitty is not spending time comparing her current situation to her past.  She exists completely in the “now” and doesn’t ruminate on the “then”.

4) She Has Learned Not to be Anxious

Maddy used to be an anxious feline; she even had to be sedated for a cross-country move when she was a kitten.  In fact, every move was very stressful for her.  She and I recently completed our fourth move in two-and-a-half years.  With each move, her anxiety over the situation decreased.  She seemed to understand that even though the ordeal would be stressful and that change was imminent and inevitable, she had survived this before and would again.  So, there is no need to get all “fight and flighty” about it, just go with it and enjoy the exploration of the new.

5) She Trusts Her Intuition

This is where she really has me beat.  In the last several months of my marriage, Maddy seemed stressed.  She slept more, she wasn’t as affectionate, and she even avoided the dogs which were normally her buddies.  Looking back, I was also anxious during that time, though I ignored it since I saw no rational reasons to be upset.  I had a mental image of what was, and as the human brain is so apt to do, I ignored or explained anything that caused any cognitive dissonance.  Cats don’t operate that way; they simply see what is.  In our current home, with her new daddy and doggie brother, I am happy to say that Maddy is more relaxed and more social than she has ever been.  I’m going to trust her on this one.  After all, she is smarter than me.