Live Today
Let the Compost of Your Past Nourish the Growth in Your Future
Truth and Consequences
I now know what is going on my “book” board for at least the rest of this week – “Breaking Bad” (sticking with the “B” theme:) ). The boyfriend and I watched seasons 1-3 last winter on Netflix and we are now watching the reruns of Season 4 on AMC in order to be properly prepared for the final season which begins this weekend. I love the acting, the drama, and the complex story lines, but I mainly find the show compelling for its psychology. I feel like it gives me a glimpse into the path that can take good people and break them into bad. It gives me a window into my ex-husband.
(This post will have some general spoilers, but obviously nothing past Season 3!)
Walt, the primary character, is a 50-something high school chemistry teacher when he is diagnosed with a brain tumor. At first, he seems likable, normal even. He is even-tempered and family-focused, a sharp contrast from what he becomes. So what goes wrong? He starts off slowly enough. His first deception is to try to conceal his diagnosis while undergoing treatment, presumably to shield his pregnant wife from the stress of his cancer. This lie has a relatively short life as the effects of the disease become apparent, yet the precedent has been set.
Shortly thereafter, when the financial burdens of the treatment become too high for the family bear, Walt again turns to falsehoods when he pretends to accept money from a family friend but really begins manufacturing meth. This time, the origins of the lie are not so rose-colored. Walt refuses the money offered out of pride. He was looking out for his family, but he wanted to be the one in control. Unlike the first lie, which was made to protect others, this one was made to shelter his own ego.
After beginning a life of crime, not surprisingly, the lies mounted. His family had no knowledge of his secret profession and he had to tread carefully in order to keep them in the dark. Not surprisingly, his relationship with his wife suffered as he had to distance himself to keep her from discovering his secrets. Lying became a habit for Walt. No one knew all his secrets; he sequestered different pieces in his different lives.
You can see the tension catching up with him at the same time the lies gain traction. It’s a vicious cycle – his sense of right and wrong diminishes with each lie, which leads to more appalling behaviors and actions, which then have to be concealed with more lies. He’s in free fall and cannot halt his descent.
As the seasons continue, his family is drawn in as well. They each become aware of some of the deceit and they begin to tell lies of their own to protect him. Deception effects everyone around you. The whole show is like some demented Rube Goldberg machine – you can pretty much tell how it’s going to end, but it isn’t clear how one piece influences the next until it is set into its unstoppable motion.
Machiavelli claimed that “the ends justify the means.” Walt seems to think in reverse; “the original intent justifies the means.” I’m not sure those caught in the webs of his lies would agree and they all spiral towards their ends.
As far as I know, my husband never had a brain tumor, manufactured meth, or taught high school chemistry, but I see some of him in Walt’s character. Like Walt, I think my husband first lied out of fear and wanting to protect me. I think he was also trying to shield his ego from the realities of a failing business. The lies fed themselves and became ingrained. It was his way of being and he took others along for the ride. He lied to try to dodge the repercussions of his choices and his actions.
But eventually, the truth came out. And truth always has consequence.
Related articles
- The Beginning Of The End Of Walter White (npr.org)
- ‘Breaking Bad’ Season 5 Promo: Because Walt Says So! (hollywood.com)
- Here’s What You Need To Know Before Season 5 Of ‘Breaking Bad’ Premieres (businessinsider.com)
Adventures in Publishing
Somehow it seems appropriate to be here three years after my tsunami divorce.
Just days after the end, I picked up a pen and wrote voluntarily for the first time in my life. Days after that, I moved my journal to the computer and began to craft a book out of my life. I wrote consistently, even compulsively, for a couple months. It was therapy. I spewed my rage and sorrow upon the keyboard and somehow some a story was crafted. Then, as abruptly as I started writing, I stopped. For two years, I knew that I intended to finish the book, but I couldn’t bring myself to work on it. The original intensity had faded, yet it was too painful to give the file more than a cursory look.
Finally, last winter, I knew I was ready to begin again. A friend recommended that I start this blog. It was a great suggestion, as this has been a place for honing my writing, brainstorming ideas, learning to be comfortable with my writing and story being “out there,” and it has opened up bigger opportunities. It has also been a distraction from writing the book; 800 word typo-filled blog posts are much easier to write than a full-length fully-edited book. Who knew? 🙂
My goal for this summer was to actually finish the book rather than just talk about it. I’m pretty much there. It’s written. It’s formatted. It’s currently being edited. Once the final changes are made, I’ll upload the final version into KDP (Kindle Direct Publishing) and click “submit.” (…and then re-format the whole thing again for the print version…but I’m not ready to think about that yet!)
A few months ago, I wrote a post contemplating when I could call myself a writer. I definitely feel like one now after a solid month of sitting on a hard chair in a hot office pounding away at the keys. The sore brain and butt confirm it. So does the almost full ream of paper it took to print the thing for the editor:)
It’s been a crazy summer pushing to get all my projects done before school starts up again (which for teachers around here is just a couple weeks away!). I used a 4-part motivation/organization/idea board to keep me going.
It’s crazy to think that I’ll be ready to change the label on the “book” square soon. Any suggestions for what I should add there?
I know my boyfriend and the animals will be happy to have me spend more time downstairs instead of holed up in my office. He (the boyfriend, not the dog!) leaves me little notes around my desk. I found this one in the spiral I use to jot down notes a couple days ago.
Tiger and Maddy have enjoyed my time writing. This is on the couch behind my desk.
This has been an amazing adventure. The book has been so therapeutic to write; working with the story has helped to distance me from some of the pain. I have learned so much in the process as I have taken the needed steps to take the book from its infancy three years ago to a finished and published (and hopefully read!) product.
I love that I’m celebrating (yes, celebrating) the three-year anniversary of the tsunami with the completion of the book. It feels like I’m ready to close that chapter of my life and move on to my new lessons.
Until then, I am enjoying some summer (which means resting my brain and running my butt) while awaiting word (hopefully not too many!) from the editor. And, soon, I hope to push “submit!”
Bask in Each Ray
Lessons From the End of a Marriage 