I wrote this piece about how to help your child in math for Yahoo. This is the same advice I give the parents of my 8th graders during open house every year. I find the parents are often more fearful of algebra than the students:)
I thought I’d share it here as well, since I know many of you are parents of school age children. I hope this can help lower the stress level in your home this fall!
I first caught a glimpse of him online last night. The description was brief, but the pictures drew me in instantly.
I was hooked.
I dreamed of him last night, imaging the future we could have together. Picturing our lives intertwined. When I awoke this morning, he was still on my mind, even though I was trying to suppress the thoughts. Giving in, I finally decided we needed to meet in person. Immediately.
I made the short drive to his residence. I gasped when I pulled into the driveway. He was even better looking in person that he was in pictures. I was smitten.
That’s right. I have a crush on a house.
Like any crush, my mind is awash in romantic notions. Spinning possibilities out of mere suggestions. I am obsessed, overtaken with passions of paint colors and potential plantings.
Like any crush, my dreams will likely be dashed since there is scant anchor in reality.
Brock and have been rational in our quest for a home. We have registered with hatch My House so that our wedding gifts can build our down payment. We plan to move this fall after the wedding and when our lease has expired. With the assistance of a friend in the real estate business, we started casually perusing homes in the area we live and love. We frequently email postings back and forth and engage in dialog about the potential perks and liabilities of each property. We’ve known that these homes are only hypotheticals; they will be long gone by the time we are prepared to buy. And that’s been okay.
And then we saw this one.
On digital paper, it’s perfect. A foreclosure, priced to sell. Ugly on the inside, but just needing some TLC to make it beautiful. It has the spaces we need and the amenities we want. It’s difficult not to fall and fall hard.
I visited today, exploring the yard and peering in the windows. I could so easily see us in that space. I was already arranging furniture and repainting walls. I could almost hear the clacks of the sticks from the spot where Brock would teach his private martial arts lessons. I stood in the spot where I would put a hammock and gazed out at the yard that I so desperately want. I felt the ache of my nomadic existence the past four years fade as I let the home’s energy wash over me.
Damn.
I know better than to do this. I know I’m getting excited just to have my heart broken. I know it’s just a house and should not be an emotional investment. I know that it makes sense to wait until we have more money to put down and our lease is officially over.
But damn. I’m crushing hard.
Tomorrow, we make the formal introductions. Our realtor friend is meeting us there to show us the inside. A part of me hopes that the home has some fatal flaw on the inside. Something that will crush the crush.
But another part of me wants it to remain perfect.
Brock and I have talked strategy. Figured out a possible juggling act that would allow us to purchase earlier than we anticipated. It’s not ideal and it’s a little scary but it just might work. Of course, we may not be the only ones flirting with our intended. There may be competition better looking and more prepared for an immediate relationship.
But still.
It’s hard not to get excited about the thought that our crush might just maybe, possibly like us back.
It is normal for your marriage to be at the center of your social life. You have a built-in activity partner. You share friends. The “plus one” is expected when you receive an invitation.
And then the marriage dies.
Your go-to is gone. The mutual friends may be divvied up like a bag of Skittles, or they may simply scatter as though the bag of candy was dropped to the floor.
It is tempting to hide. To hibernate. You may want to pull the covers over your head and not come out until the debris field has been cleared. It’s tempting, but it won’t help you heal. Think of the skin under a bandage that has been left on too long. Is that what you want your heart to look like?
Hopefully you have some stalwart friends who stick by your side. These are the ones who don’t run from your tears or hide from your rants. Treasure these friends. They are true.
Eventually, you will tire of being seen as the “divorcing one.” You will want to try on new guises and play with new personas. This is a wonderful opportunity to try new things and meet new people. Surround yourself with others who have a zest for life, even if they only flit in and out of your life for a moment. Let them teach you. It is a time to win friends and be influenced by people. Practice saying “yes” to experiences you would have avoided before. Celebrate. Laugh. Live. Then go home and cry if you need to.
No one friend can meet all of your needs during divorce. The following types of friends are priceless as you navigate your divorce:
The Rational Friend
Divorce has a way of making you go a little crazy. You do and say things that you normally would not and your common sense seems to disappear. Your rational friend is the one who talks you out of your impulse to plaster your ex’s face on a billboard or desire to date out of revenge. This is the friend that gives you sage and mature advice and doesn’t partake in your ex-bashing sessions.
The Let it All Hang Out Friend
Of course, sometimes you want someone to help you in you ex-bashing. That’s when you turn to this friend. This is the confidant that will hold nothing back and tell it like is. Loudly. Usually over drinks. This friend will help you purge the negative emotions as you cuss and scream and cry and laugh, often all at the same time.
The Friend Who Knew You Before
During divorce, you often feel like you’re losing part of yourself. Especially if you were in the marriage for a long time, it’s difficult to remember who you were prior to the relationship. This friend can help you reacquaint with the earlier and more innocent you. These are the friends that often fade into the background when we are married. Take this time to reconnect with the friends of your youth and let them remind you of your spirit.
The Friend You Only Met After
When you are in the process of divorce, your marital status is often front and center in your interactions. Eventually, this gets old and you just want to be you. Or maybe you even want to be someone a little different that who you were during your marriage, but your existing friends already have you typecast. Take this opportunity to make new friends. You can tell them about the divorce. Or not.
The Fun Friend
This is the friend that will get you off the couch and have you doing something you never thought you would try. They may call with a party invitation one week and an offer to drive cross-country the next. They will drag you out of your comfort zone kicking and screaming. But then you’ll be laughing so hard that you don’t care.
The Hot Friend
Well, you are single now, aren’t you? This easy-on-the-eyes companion is great when you’re starting to awaken to the opposite sex again but you are nowhere near ready to venture into the dating world. This friend gives you a chance to flirt and feel attractive and sexual again. In some cases this may go further; however, I personally recommend keeping sex and your friends separate, especially when you are vulnerable.
The Non-Human Friend
Animals can make the best companions when we’re having a rough time. They truly practice unconditional love and will never judge you. On those days when talking with a human friend is simply too overwhelming, try connecting with a fur buddy. Kisses are optional but always nice:)
The True Friend
This is the friend that lets you be the real you, whether that be sobbing in the fetal position on the floor or putting on a way too short skirt for your first post-divorce date. This is the companion who will pick you up, give you a place to live and a purpose for living.
You may not have all of these types of friends in your life at the time of the divorce. I know I did not. I had to make the choice and the consistent effort to find and build friendships. I joined Meetup.com, I talked to people I met at the gym or coffee shop and I accepted invitations even when I wanted to hide. I met new friends and strengthened existing bonds. Many of those people are still in my life today while others made their influence and moved on.
Your world will stabilize again. Friendships will build. You will learn to navigate without the “plus one.” Until that time, reach out and make some new friends even if only for a day. And, you never know, you may just find a new “plus one.”
Life is beginning to return to normal after my trip to San Antonio. My introverted nature is enjoying the solitude interspersed with connections that I get to savor during the summer. My trip to San Antonio was awesome but it also strains my somewhat reserved nature to always have people around.
Brock stayed behind in Atlanta for this trip. I’m not sure what it was, but I really missed him during my absence. The feeling was mutual. We’re both used to him being gone (generally for only a night or two) for business, but somehow it’s harder when I’m the one out of the house.
While I was gone and during my travels home, he expressed how much he missed me and was looking forward to having the pack back together. When he finally picked me up at the train station, I received a passionate hello from Tiger and a distracted peck from Brock.
My feelings were hurt, but luckily, we’ve been here before so I knew his pattern.
After I returned to a lukewarm greeting a couple years ago, I panicked. I read his seemingly uninterested welcome as a sign that he was not happy to see me. I thought he was pulling away because of some terrible reason.
I brought it up. We talked about it.
As he was struggling to help me understand his perspective, he used the term “emotionally introverted” to describe himself. He went on to explain that the feelings he had when we were reunited were overwhelming, flooding him. He had to retreat until he could become comfortable and then he would be ready to connect.
I got it. I know the way I can feel when I walk into a crowded room or I am surrounded by people for days at a time. I know those breaks I need from the stimulation so that I can reset and relax.
He wasn’t withdrawing because of an absence of emotion. He was pulling back because he felt too much emotion.
As an introvert, my behavior can be read as rude or antisocial when I am just overwhelmed and flooded.
As an emotional introvert, his behavior can be read as unloving or distancing when he is really just overwhelmed and flooded.
Even knowing this, it still stings a bit. It’s hard to to take it personally. I’m working on it.
In this instance, I didn’t say anything. I kept myself busy and gave him time. Within a few hours, I had the greeting I wanted – full kisses and a long, prone embrace. It was worth the wait.
It’s so easy to make assumptions about the reasons for someone’s actions. We see there behaviors through our own lenses. It’s worth taking the time to try to see through their eyes. You just may be surprised at what you see.
So now the two introverts – one socially and one emotionally – have both been reset and are happy to be back together as a family. At least until my next trip:)
I have two passions when it comes to writing – relationships and wellness. I’ve been blending them on this site since the beginning and I maintained a wellness newsletter for a time. I dropped the newsletter when I became busier and did not have time for the painstaking formatting process every week. And, on this site, I’ve wanted to limit the number of non-related posts. Meanwhile, my ideas for articles about health, wellness, fitness and nutrition have been piling up with no good place to post them.
So….
It’s time to grow! I just started a new blog, Action Potential Wellness, where I can write about all things health. There will be some cross posts, but for the most part, this blog will be about relationships and the other about wellness (recipes, fitness tips, meditation, yoga, nutrition information, etc.).
Click on over, check it out and follow it if you want to learn how to maximize your life:)
Lessons From the End of a Marriage 