Why Do We Fall in Love With People That Are Bad For Us?

Posted on by stilllearning2b

When I first started dating, I sought out boys that were the opposite of my father.  My logic went like this – my parents divorced, therefor my father didn’t make a good husband, so I would be better off avoiding guys that mirrored my dad.  And I soon fell in love with the man that would eventually become my husband.

It was only years later that I learned that by studiously avoiding certain characteristics. I inadvertently agreed upon other traits that were most decidedly unhealthy at best and criminal at worst. Traits that I was completely blind to at the time.

He was “Husband of the Year” to my face and a lying, cheating, stealing bigamist behind my back.

I’m not alone in giving my heart to someone who would ultimately be detrimental to me.

Why is it that even the most educated and emotionally intelligent people fall in love with people that are bad for them?

Habit– We all have a tendency to do what we have done. Mirror what we have seen. If you grew up in an abusive household, you are more likely to find yourself partnered to an abuser. If you were parented by an alcoholic, you will be drawn to the same. If you have a propensity for the lost boys, you will continue to blindly seek them out until you make an effort to break the habit. Overcoming a habit takes mindful attention; before you can change your patterns, you must become aware of your patterns.

Sunk Cost Fallacy– Just because you have put time and energy into nurturing a relationship, does not mean that the relationship should last. Sometimes, by the time the early infatuation has faded and we realize that somebody is a mistake for us, we feel like we have already invested too much into the relationship to bring it to an end.  This is often compounded by a reluctance to admit to ourselves or others that we chose poorly. It’s better to be embarrassed for a moment than treated poorly for a lifetime.

Are You Falling For the Sunk Cost Fallacy in Your Relationship?

Sliding In– You meet somebody. You’re attracted to them and you have a good time together. So you agree to a second date.  And then a third. Before you know it, you’ve moved in together after justifying that it makes sense to save on rent. And then marriage just seems like the next inevitable step, even if neither one of you have actually given it much thought. The person that made for a great first date may not necessarily be one that makes for a great partner.

Low Self – Esteem  – Maybe you feel like you’re not good enough and that you deserve someone who treats you poorly. Or you find your worth through helping others and so you’re drawn to those that need fixing or enabling. When our self-esteem is low, we inadvertently project it, attracting people that are also lacking in confidence or, even worse, pulling in people that prey upon the weak. A vicious cycle can begin where the person with low self-esteem is drawn to people that use manipulation and emotional abuse to further lower self-worth. How people treat you really does start with how you treat yourself. You must create a healthy relationship with yourself before you can entertain one with someone else.

The Love You Find When You Struggle to Love Yourself

Feeling Lonely – The distress of being alone is one of the great universal human fears. And we will go to great lengths to avoid it. Even as far as getting with and staying with somebody that isn’t right for us with the belief that somebody is better than nobody. The great irony here is that feeling isolated and misunderstood within a relationship is infinitely more painful than actually being alone.

Potential – We often fall in love with a person’s potential rather than their reality. We see their inherent gifts and believe that if they simply made some basic changes, that they would be better. Both for them, and for us. Of course, the reality is that you can never change another person, only your response to them.

Are You in Love With the Person or With Their Potential?

Rationalize – Their behavior will change once we get married/have a child/change jobs/move to the new house. They may treat me badly sometimes, but they are a great parent/provider/respected community member. I know they’re not good for me, but I need to stay because I can’t be alone/handle my own finances/find anybody else. Consistently defending somebody’s behavior (whether your own or your partner’s) is a sign that something is amiss and you are not yet willing to face it.

How can we move on from the damaging relationships and learn to give our hearts to those who deserve it?

  1. Focus less on what made your former partner bad and more on why you were drawn to them.
  1. Look for patterns in your past relationships – are you replaying roles from your childhood or consistently picking the same kind of ill-suited partner?
  1. Are you putting up with consistently poor treatment? Work at setting and maintaining boundaries.
  1. Spend time with people who celebrate your gifts and cherish you as you are. Let their love help you develop your own sense of worth.
  1. Forgive yourself for the poor choices you have made. Rather than beat yourself up, strive to learn from your mistakes.
  1. Understand that just because you made a poor choice, you can still make better choices.

During my own divorce, I was able to reconnect with my father. And I discovered that he is an amazing man with many traits that I would love to have in a partner. And so the second time around, I sought out a husband that had those characteristics and who treats me well not only to my face, but also behind my back.  A man that challenges me to become better while celebrating my strengths. This time, I fell in love with somebody who is good for me.

And I have faith that you can do the same.

How Do You Know When You’re Ready For a New Relationship After Divorce?

Posted on by stilllearning2b

“You have to wait one month for each year you were married.”

 

“It’s like riding a horse. The sooner you get back in the saddle, the better.”

 

“After divorce, you must stay single for at least two years to truly find yourself.”

I heard it all after my husband left. Yet none of it really felt right to me. I knew I wasn’t ready to start a new relationship immediately. Even the thought made me feel a bit ill. At the same time, some trite and trivial timeline didn’t resonate either. Who was to say that I didn’t need more than a month for every year or that I would be ready far sooner than the two-year mark?

The truth is that the time needed after divorce before entering a new relationship is different for everyone and, this is the important part, only you know when you are truly ready.

You’re ready to enter into a new relationship when…

You’re not involved with somebody to spite your ex or in an effort to ignite jealousy.

 

In a moment of divorce-induced insanity, I had a notion of bringing the guy I was dating to the courthouse on the day of my legal dissolution. Luckily, my attorney was not insane and she put her foot down. My reasons for wanting him there were twofold – I was scared to face my ex and I thought my new guy’s presence would help to shore up my courage and I wanted to show my ex (who not only committed adultery, but also bigamy), that I could get somebody else.

That inclination on my part was a sure sign that I was not ready to date. In order to have a chance, a new relationship must be established independent of any previous ones. If it only exists to show vengeance or in an attempt to stir up feelings of regret and envy in your ex, it is more farce than partnership.

 

You’re not trying to replace your ex and you’re not caught up in comparing.

 

After divorce, you face an ex-shaped hole in your life. And it’s tempting to try to find someone who can fill that place exactly, like a custom-made puzzle piece. Not only is that impulse not fair your new potential partner, it’s also not fair to you. The divorce has changed you. Perhaps altered your ideas about what is important in a partner and what characteristics really don’t matter.

Rather than trying to find someone who matches what you had, identify what is important to you and which of those needs you want to be met by your partner and which can be met elsewhere. And once you’ve made that choice, refrain from comparing. It only brings with it misery.

 

You’re able to acknowledge and address your part in your marriage’s struggles.

 

Oh, did this used to make me mad! I was furious when others implied that I needed to accept my part when my ex was so obviously the “bad guy” in the marriage. But what I eventually realized that I may not have been responsible for the end of the marriage (and certainly not for all of the betrayals within), but I did play a role in the particular dynamics that allowed the malignant culture to grow. And until I was ready to accept that and address those traits (hello, conflict avoidance!) within myself, I wasn’t ready to try again.

Divorce provides you with the gift of perspective, and although it’s a gift too late to use for your first marriage, it’s one that can carry over. It usually takes some time and some distance for the emotions to fade enough that you can take a pragmatic view of your marriage and its particular dynamics. Take the time to learn how you behave and how you respond in relationships. If there are issues, address them now before you end up replaying them with someone else.

 

You’re able to manage your own emotions and triggers.

 

I was looking forward to moving into my own apartment (after living with a friend for a year) when I received the news that my ex hadn’t paid the utility bills, leaving me scrambling to find another $1,200 before I could finally start me independent life. Livid and panicked, I pulled into my boyfriend’s driveway. He took one look at me, cleared the floor around the heavy bag hanging in his garage, strapped the gloves on me and started a Tool playlist before heading upstairs.

Later, he wisely told me that if we were going to make it, I would have to get a handle on my anger. He was right. So I did and we did, marrying a few years later.

Before you are ready for a new relationship, you have to learn how to recognize and address your over-the-top emotions. Take yoga, pick up running or a pen or maybe find a therapist. Take ownership of your feelings and responsibility for their management.

 

You’re not looking for a savior or for a “perfect” relationship.

 

“You poor thing,” he said, wrapping me in his arms. “You deserve someone who will take care of you.” And at first, the offer of basically being a kept woman sounded good after all of the stress following years of financial infidelity and the limitations of the family court system. But upon second thought, I felt a horror at allowing myself to be controlled again. Because that’s what saviors do – they rescue you from one circumstance only to trap you in another.

Likewise, it’s easy to blame your divorce solely on picking the wrong person. And to become convinced that once you have the “right” person, everything will fall into place without any problems. Ever.

Newsflash. There are no perfect people or perfect marriages. It begins with choosing wisely. But that’s just the beginning.

Perfection and white knights only live in fairy tales. And you live in the real world.

 

You’re not lonely and you’re ready to take the risk of being vulnerable.

 

Loneliness is born more from our internal view and external reactions than from the people we have around us. When we are lonely, we are guarded, protected. Afraid of being seen and also miserable being isolated. If we enter into a relationship while in a state of loneliness, we set the stage for either grasping onto the other person in desperation or continuing to feel alone because of a fear of being vulnerable.

There’s wisdom behind the advice warning against viewing relationships are making you “whole” and the same concept applies to needing a relationship in order to not feel lonely. The phrase, “finding yourself” is perhaps somewhat corny, but it does apply here. You have to be okay with you and only you before you’re ready to welcome another.

Besides, loneliness is a horrible matchmaker. It simply selects the first person it sees.

 

You’re making progress on healing even if you don’t consider yourself “healed.”

 

I have the somewhat controversial view that some parts of healing after divorce can only happen once you’re in a new relationship. It’s all well and good to work through mental exercises or journal entries on trust but until you are in the position of having to put your faith in a new partner, it’s all simply pretend.

Additionally, there is no marker in the sand that declares you “healed.” It’s not a point you can define or even recognize. So if you’re waiting for it before you enter into a new relationship, you could be waiting for a very long time.

Instead of setting a goal of being completely healed, set an intention of making progress. Of having more good days than bad ones. Of doing better at managing your emotions and communicating your feelings. Of taking responsibility for your own stuff and making an effort to understand and address it.

 

You’re past the post-divorce mania stage and yet you’re excited about the possibilities the future holds.

 

There’s a common reaction after divorce that takes many people by surprise. It characterized by a sudden uptick in energy, an overwhelming optimism and a youthful, even careless, approach to life. I call this the post-divorce mania stage. It can be fun, but it’s also fleeting and irrational and certainly not a time to commit to a new relationship.

But that morning when you finally wake up excited yet rational, cautiously hopeful for the new day and the opportunities in love it may provide, that’s when you know you’re ready for a new relationship. Don’t forget what you’ve learned in the meantime.

Is It Time For You To Quit One Of These Self-Appointed Jobs After Divorce?

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Prior to divorce, one of your predominate life roles is that of “husband” or “wife.” And once that position is pulled from you, it leaves a job opening that is often filled with a self-appointed role that ultimately causes more harm than good. Is it time for you to quit one (or more) of these post-divorce jobs?

Detective

In my day job, I was a math teacher, educating teenagers on how to find x. In my evenings, I dedicated myself to finding my ex so that he could face the legal repercussions of his illegal activities. Through a combination of triangulation based on account activity and Google Earth, I was able to deliver an accurate address to the police.

In the beginning, this cyber sleuthing had a purpose. Yet even once he was located and his illegal actions verified, I had trouble letting go of my new-found investigative skills. The searching felt purposeful, the details, important. By focusing on assembling information, I was able to distract myself from what I was feeling.

I decided to put in my letter of resignation for my detective role on the day after the divorce was final. I did one last search, cleared my browser history and packed away all of the accumulated paperwork. His whereabouts and activities were no longer any of my concern.

Psychiatrist

It didn’t make any sense to me. I just couldn’t wrap my brain around how my vowed protector had morphed into my persecutor, seemingly overnight. The only way that it made sense to me was if he embodied some sort of monster archetype, only described in modern psychiatric terms.

I reflected upon his childhood. I considered his traits and innate responses to stress. I carefully matched his characteristics against those that define various personality disorders until I settled on the label of sociopath. The non-violent type, as far as I knew.

For a time, I found peace in my amateur diagnosis. It was a way of finding some sense of control. By naming it, I found some dominion over it. But then memories, good memories, starting bubbling up to the surface. And I couldn’t integrate those with my current image of him. So I let go of the labels, and instead tried to see him as an imperfect man, flawed as we all are, and more a stranger to me than I knew.

Advice Columnist

Many of my coaching clients have unwittingly assumed the role of advice-giver and confidant with their exes. In the marriage, they were the competent ones, the ones who knew how to get stuff done.  And their ex partners? Let’s just say they were content with having someone else take the reins.

And even once the households were divided, the struggling ones turn to their exes for advice and assistance and the more adept ones find themselves in the position of caretaker and organizer. In some ways, it’s a mutually beneficial relationship – one person gets their needs met and the other is able to maintain a sense of control and feels as though they are needed. On the other hand, this one-way exchange keeps both people tied to the past, limiting autonomy and promoting an unhealthy dependence.

In a marriage, it’s natural to turn to your spouse for advice and to voice your opinion freely to your spouse. But after a split, the advice-giving is best done by someone else. It’s okay to step back and let your ex manage – or even mismanage – his or her own life. They are no longer your responsibility.

Medical Examiner

My marriage died a sudden death. And I had a driving need to understand why. I had no ex husband willing to talk, so I had to perform the marital post mortem with only the impression of the body remaining.

I was convinced that the only way I could obtain closure and be able to move on was if I could follow the precursors to the demise step-by-step. I examined and assembled clues like puzzle pieces. I developed theories, some more plausible than others.

It was strange, in my pursuit of the “truth,” I began to realize that the actual facts mattered less than the narrative I crafted around them. I eventually settled on an explanation that helped me forgive and let go. And only then did the drive to dissect the past fade.

Prison Warden

Divorce is scary and disorienting. Nothing is certain, everything is in question. I often hear from people that respond to this frightening period with absolutes- “I am never going to trust again,” “I am never going to let anybody in again,” “I just can’t do this.”

They are acting as sentry, building walls and posting guards around the uncertainties of life. They seek to control all that enters and prevent any unauthorized exits. For the prison warden, the rules are rigid, the mind always watchful and the expectations have been constructed around the idea that everyone is disreputable.

Being a guard against life is not only exhausting, it’s doomed to disappointment because it’s impossible to protect from all misfortune. By all means, be observant and alert. But you don’t have to wear the Kevlar vest just to live your life.

Tabloid Journalist

“Can you believe what he did now?” I asked my coworker after informing her of my ex’s latest shenanigans. The news brought her some entertainment and distraction from work and sharing it made me feel important. Of course, in order to maintain interest, the news always has to be fresh and ideally, each new story tops the last.

This self-appointed role combines the obsessiveness of the detective with a need for attention and validation. The salacious details are mined and then shared, followed by the reward of a shot of feel-good dopamine.

The tabloid journalist requires drama to survive. Even if they are not directly manufacturing it, they are elevating it through attention and energy. It feels boring at first, turning away from the revelatory details. But it soon becomes freeing as you realize you are not dependent upon “likes” for your friendships and you have time and energy to dedicate to more advantageous pursuits.

Defense Attorney

For almost a year, I carried a printout of my ex’s mug shot and associated newspaper article. Whenever I would have to deal with somebody about a delinquent account or talk to another attorney, I would present them with the paper. It was my clumsy attempt at saying, “I’m innocent. He’s the one who did this! Please don’t judge me.”

Part of my drive to proclaim my innocence came from my ex’s attempts at gaslighting. He had engaged in some extensive character assassination behind my back while we were married, spinning horrific (and quite creative) falsehoods about me. And so I became obsessed about trying to clear my name and restore my reputation.

Eventually, I realized that those who knew me didn’t need my evidence of innocence, they had faith in me regardless. Those that had been fed a steady diet of lies by my ex were unswayable and so were not worth my efforts. And the relative strangers that I was so determined to convince? They didn’t really care whose “fault” things were, they were just doing a job.

 

Take an honest inventory of the roles you’ve assumed after your divorce – are they serving you or is time to quit and move on to a new line of work?

Is My Reaction to Divorce Normal?

Posted on by stilllearning2b

The following was shared on my Facebook page recently-

“Some days I feel like I got the grief period beat and then something will happen and I catch myself crying.”

I responded in part, “That up and down is completely normal. The hurt will fade in time. Just keep your focus on where you want to be.”

“Thank you!!! It helps to hear the up and down is normal because I didn’t know what was going on.”

 

It’s amazing how much added pain comes from questioning our reaction to a situation and how reassuring it can be to discover that what we feared was “crazy” is instead completely normal and expected.

The reality is that for most of us, divorce is something we only experience once. So most people navigating the end of a marriage are crossing a scary and unfamiliar terrain. And because the experience of divorce is so much more intense and complex than you ever imagined, those held in its grasp always want to know that their experience falls within the range of “normal.”

The following reactions to divorce are completely normal:

Emotional Soup

I often hear people reference the five stages of grief in their divorce and they’ll announce what stage they currently occupy. But it’s not that simple. This construct is a helpful tool for understanding a reaction to a loss, but reality is much messier than five clearly defined stages. I like to refer to the state after divorce as emotional soup – a mix of every emotion you can imagine. And on some days, the anger will be the prominent flavor whereas the next day may be seasoned with despair. The emotions can be surprisingly intense and may stay for awhile or may suddenly appear and disappear just as quickly.

Ups and Downs

Healing after divorce is a nonlinear process. It’s not even two steps forward and one back. It’s more one step forward, a detour around to the right followed by entrapment in quicksand and a wrong turn that leads you back to where you started. Only now you know how to avoid the quicksand.

It’s completely normal to have a series of good days, where you’re feeling optimistic and confident, only to be followed by a day when it all seems impossible and you feel like the most worthless person on the planet. Instead of attempting to measure your progress by the day, take a broader view to map how far you’ve come.

Post-Divorce Mania

Post-divorce mania is characterized by an increase in energy accompanied by an intensity of focus. It’s a compelling drive, a sense of being propelled by an internal motor that refuses to idle. It often has an obsessive quality, focusing on one thing to the exclusion of all else. It can attach itself to something related to divorce (like with an overwhelming interest in discovering everything possible about the affair partner) or it can take the form of some other passion (I can’t even count how many people I met running a marathon that were experiencing post-divorce mania!).

 

Post-divorce mania is initiated by a fear of slowing down and feeling too much. It’s maintained because its compulsive nature feeds our dopamine receptors, keeping us coming back for more. It’s a side effect of the need for action, the gas pedal to the floor and the steering misaligned.

 

Over Reactions and Triggers

 I once had a breakdown in front of the sparkling water display in a Publix. Not my proudest moment, but one that I now embrace as completely ordinary after divorce. The brain has a way of tucking certain memories away for later consumption, smartly realizing that an emotional binge can have devastating results. Then these feelings can be released in a sudden torrent of tears triggered by the most mundane of things.

Memory and Cognition Issues

Your brain won’t function correctly for a time. You’ll forget things, have trouble making basic connections and struggle to form new memories. You may feel slow and sluggish in areas where you once excelled.

Your previous levels of functioning will return. In the meantime, Google, sticky notes and a calculator are your best friends.

Extreme Reactions to Dating

I will never forget the day after my divorce when I looked around the gym and suddenly realized there were men. Everywhere. And I was free to pursue any of them that were unclaimed. I was like a kid in a candy store for a time (yes, part of that post-divorce mania here!).

Others find they have the opposite response to dating – the very thought makes their stomach turn and they can’t imagine ever seeing someone new.

Both responses are normal and, in time, tend to move towards a more balanced approach.

Strong Response to the Ex Getting Married

Whether this news comes years down the road or, as in my case, before your divorce even occurs, the announcement of your ex’s nuptials will probably hit you much harder than you anticipated. It can make early feelings of rejection and loss resurface and it often triggers a sense of, “That should have been me.” It’s not easy to witness their apparent happiness when you’re still aching from the loss.

Although this reaction is intense, it tends to be brief. The last of the bubbles of your marriage floating to the surface before they dissipate in your growing new life.

Taking “Too Long” to Move On

Comparison is your enemy here. You see social media posts of your recently friends seemingly “over it” while you still cry yourself to sleep. You discover that your neighbor remarried after two years and you can’t even imagine going on a coffee date. You worry that you’re doing this divorce thing wrong since it seems like everyone else has a much easier time of it.

First, realize that you only see what others choose to show you. Fun Facebook photos and late-night crying jags are not mutually exclusive. They may appear to have moved on, but their reality could be much more complicated.

And then there is the very real fact that every person is different, every divorce unique. Here are twenty factors that strongly influence your personal divorce experience. Read them and remember that healing does not speak calendar.

A Final Note…

All of these reactions are normal. Yet, normal can become pathological if it persists for a protracted period of time or swells to a point where it severely impacts your ability to function. It’s also completely normal to need help during divorce. Ask for it when you need it.

How to Remove the Emotion When Dealing With a Difficult Ex

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Some people end up friends with their exes.

Some people are able to successfully navigate their way into a companionate coparenting or business relationship with their spouse.

And others have an ex from you-know-where that continues to cause pain and wreak havoc long after the divorce.

Sometimes you can go no-contact and excise the malignancy.

But what can you do if you can’t remove your ex from your life but you still want to remove the emotions from the interactions? You may be stuck with them, but you don’t have to be stuck with how they make you feel.  Here are 11 ways that you can find emotional distance from a difficult ex.

 

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How to Take the Emotion Out of Dealing With a Difficult Ex

 

Even though my ex husband left my life, he left his impact behind in the form of tens of thousands of dollars of debt that fell on me to repay. Every month when I had to make those payments, I felt like all of the emotional progress I had made was washed away. I would grow angry, fearful and despondent all over again as I was forced to face the ugly reality. It wasn’t physical contact with him, but it was a monthly appointment with his presence that I was required to keep.

It’s one of the more common dilemmas faced by my coaching clients: “I’m doing great and then I have to see my ex and I feel like I’m back to square one.” Some are like me and have been left cleaning up the mess their exes left behind. They have to find a way to balance their responsibilities with their emotional wellbeing. For others, they have children and regular contact is required for the sake of establishing some sort of co-parenting relationship. So for them, the question becomes one of maintaining the children’s relationship with the other parent without sacrificing yourself in the process.

 

Rename and Reframe

When you see your ex, your brain floods with memories of who they were to you. Perhaps you remember the halcyon early days or the pain you felt when you discovered that they had been unfaithful. You’re viewing them through the lens of a spouse, a partner, and remembering the ways that they failed you in that role.

Those memories carry a powerful emotional punch. A punch that leaves you winded and spinning. So take a step back. That person on your doorstep is no longer the one who held you and then hurt you; they are simply your children’s other parent.  You can even label them this way in your phone’s contact list.

 

Pay Attention to Your Physical Sensations

Does your breath become more rapid and shallow when you hear your ex’s car pull into the driveway? Maybe you can feel the prickle of rage run down your back when you see their name show up on your phone. For me, any reminder of the financial mess caused a physical sensation of nausea and panic.

Simply by being attuned to these sensations helps to keep them from running amok. Be aware of how your body responds even if you feel like you can’t alter it at this point. Label the sensations with non-judgment – “Oh, my hands are sweaty and trembling.”

 

Ask Yourself, “Why Does This Still Bother Me?”

Name your feelings and trace their roots. You are no longer married to this person, so why are their words and behaviors still able to trigger you? You may be dealing with some unresolved pain from the divorce. Or maybe this activated some long-buried childhood wound. And sometimes the response is merely one of habit, reacting in the way to which you have become accustomed.

Regardless of the reasons, one of the best ways to deactivate a trigger is to dig into it to remove its power source. Spend some time with a therapist, your journal or a trusted companion and explore why you’re still responding so strongly.

 

Bookend the Contact With Positive Activity

Contact with the ex has the potential to ruin several days if you allow it. There’s the building anxiety leading up to the contact, the actual confrontation and then the recovery period.

In order to limit the effects to the actual contact, bookend the encounter with positive and engrossing activity to help distract you before and shift you out after. Limit the amount of time and energy available for anxiety and rumination.

 

Practice Mindfulness

Begin some sort of mindfulness training to help you find your inner calm regardless of what is happening in your world. Meditation often talks about learning to view the storm through the window instead of being in the storm. You cannot control the rain, but you can learn to find some distance from its impact.

Mindfulness is also powerful because it trains you to accept what you cannot control and teaches you how to have mastery over your breath and to some extent, your thoughts.

 

Rehearse Your Responses

If your ex has a tendency to push your buttons in search of a response, take some time to rehearse what you are going to say ahead of time. Practice this with somebody else or in front of a mirror. Repeat it until it becomes rote, devoid of emotion.

You cannot keep them from poking at you, but you can refuse to engage. Having a pat, non-emotional response is a great first step.

 

Don’t Be Their “Person”

Some exes still look to their former spouses to have their emotional needs met. I even know of people who turn to their ex partner when they are having difficulties with the person they left the marriage for! It can be difficult after divorce to transition into the new, more distant, roles after years of being a team.

If your former spouse is turning to you for emotional support and advice, inform them that you cannot fulfill that role anymore. It is no longer your responsibility to be their shoulder to cry on or their sympathetic ear.

 

Temporary Outsourcing

There are times when any contact is simply too painful to contemplate. Be creative – are you able to outsource any of this to automation or to a third party? Be aware that this approach is a bandaid, a temporary breather so that you have the time and space needed to create the necessary emotional distance.

 

Don’t Take Their Behavior Personally 

Whether your ex is a malignant narcissist seeking their own gains without consideration or a lost and wounded soul who can’t seem to get themselves together, their actions say way more about them then they indicate about you. So don’t take their words or behaviors personally.

If they are generally a bad person, remind yourself that this is simply their approach to everyone. If they are struggling, find a place of detached empathy for them and seek to understand the motivations behind their words or actions.

 

Gratitude 

This was my greatest tool in the years I was a prisoner to the debt my ex left behind. After every check written, every bill paid, every debt collector spoken to, I would add an item to a list of something that I was grateful for that I would not have had without the divorce.

It’s easy to focus solely on the bad in the situation, to allow the negativity to flood out your senses. By taking the time to force yourself to list the positive effects, you’re expanding your perspective and training your brain to look for the sun behind the clouds.

 

Find Your Power

In high school, I picked up the sport of fencing. At the beginning, I excelled in the drills but fell apart in the bouts when my opponents actually had the audacity to attack me.

“You know what they’re going to do,” my coach hollered at me one day from the sideline, “So why do keep reacting the same way that allows them to score a point?”

And he was right. I knew the moves my opponent was going to attempt. I had no control over their attacks. But I could lunge out of the path of their blade or parry differently so that they lost their opportunity.

It changed my view of the bouts. I was no longer focused on what my opponent was going to do to me. Instead, I learned and practiced how to responds differently so that their attacks landed less frequently and with less force.

One of the hardest parts of divorce is the overwhelming feeling of powerlessness that comes with it. And when you’re allowing your ex to dictate your moods and responses, you’re giving your power away.

Take back your power. Take back your life.