The End of a Relationship: The Leavers and The Left

Posted on by stilllearning2b
end relationship

This piece, about what happens to the people that leave relationships abruptly and/or with deception, caused quite a stir on Facebook recently. The comments fell into two camps: “Thank you for validating my experience” and “I’m the one who left my marriage and I’m tired of being painted as the bad guy.”

The reaction got me thinking about our overall views and assumptions about those that leave a relationship versus those that stay. Rarely, is it as simple as leaver = bad and left = good. Let’s explore what it means to be the one who leaves versus the one who is left behind.

The Leaver

Anyone who has chosen to end a marriage faces societal stigma. No matter how sensitively and maturely (don’t worry, we’ll talk about the jerks in a minute) they approach the divorce, they do often face the bulk of the criticism and blame. Those on the outside may paint the leaver as a quitter, not willing to put in the work to sustain a marriage. Even without any suggestion of impropriety, people may question if there was an affair that prompted the decision. Friends of both partners may empathize more with the one who has been left and put the responsibility for the pain at the feet of the leaver.

The spouse that is left may lash out in pain, a struggle to accept the situation morphing into an attack on the departing spouse. Because no matter how much the leaver tries to deliver the news with compassion, the pain screams louder than any concern. In an attempt to garner more sympathy, the left may spin stories about their ex, painting them as horrible instead of human. And for someone who struggled mightily with the decision to leave, this can be an additional punch to the gut.

It is often assumed that the decision to leave was made rashly, selfishly. Yet for the non-jerks, it may well have been an internal battle that had been tearing them up for years. And the decision may have been made as much for the well-being of the other spouse or the children as for the happiness of the one who made the decision.

Sometimes a spouse demonstrates great courage and character by deciding to end the marriage. This is certainly the case when an abused partner gathers the conviction to leave their abuser. It is also the case where boundaries have repeatedly been ignored and promises left unfulfilled; it takes bravery to say, “Enough is enough” and be willing to walk away. And this can also be true when the marriage has real issues and the one who leaves is the only one willing to peak beneath the facade of perfection.

Those who leave are taking a blind dive into the unknown (I know some have a new bed already made; we’ll get to the jerks soon!). They are the ones making that choice and willingly accepting the repercussions. In the case of the good folks, they may agonize over the best way to announce the end so that it causes as little pain as possible.

The leaver may appear to be rational, even cold, after the news is delivered. For the non-jerks, this is usually a combination of months or years adapting to this decision and a need to start creating some emotional distance. They may be dealing with massive guilt and simply can’t bear to see the destruction of the family from the front row. The withdrawal can read as non-caring when it may simply be self-protection.

When it comes to the jerks, their motivations and approach are entirely different. They often exhibit cowardice when leaving – choosing to disappear completely, painting their unsuspecting spouse as the malicious one, embezzling marital funds to ease the transition, or cultivating an affair so that they can slide out of one bed and into another. They make no attempt to soften the blow and may even appear to revel in their ex’s pain. Their reasons for leaving are selfish in nature and may even involve years of deceptions and manipulations. Some of them are ignorant, some of them are mental ill and some of them are just assholes. And they are a big part of the reason we tend to stigmatize those that leave a marriage.

The Left

The spouse who is left usually has the benefit of society’s empathy and commiseration. We’ve all felt the pain of rejection and so it’s easy to put ourselves in that person’s shoes. Even though there still may be some judgment, usually in the form of, “What did you do to make them leave?” it is less pervasive than the criticism faced by the one who leaves.

The one who is left may be in shock and, as a result of not being prepared for this sudden change, may make decisions that seem strange or even harmful. Even though they may not face the same stigma, they may feel pummeled by a storm of the “shoulds” by well-intentioned friends and family.

Sometimes, the one who is left demonstrates perseverance and hope, aware of the issues in the marriage and determined to address them. Maybe they have sought counseling, taken the hard looks inside and made the personal changes needed to improve the marriage. When their partner throws in the towel, they may feel angry that their efforts were wasted.

Other times (like in my case), the one who is left is cowardly, afraid to see the reality of the marriage in case a mere glance is enough to shatter what remains. Maybe they are more afraid of being alone than of staying put and so they close their eyes to the facts. Or perhaps they struggle to take responsibility for their own actions (and consequences), so they stay put hoping that their spouse will be the one to take the leap (and assume the culpability).

The ones who stay may be motivated out of codependence, a belief that they can “fix” their partner. They may be willing to be a doormat, preferring to be trampled on than not needed at all. If there is abuse, they may stay because they’ve been led to believe that they “deserve” the mistreatment (abuse is never okay!) and they lack the self-worth needed to make an escape.

The one who is left may be blindsided by the split (raises hand) or may have played an active role in triaging and trying to treat the marriage. For the former, the one-sidedness of the end can not only create immense shockwaves, it can also make it harder to move out of a victim mindset. For the latter, they may feel gratitude towards their partner for taking that needed (and uncomfortable) step.

No matter the nature of the end, the way that the leaver handles it is a key factor in how the one who is left will respond. The worst ways include abandonment and character assassination. The best, a calm and in-person conversation with time to talk after the initial news has been processed. And that responsibility lies entirely with the leaver, which means the one who is left often feels powerless about the decision and the way it was handled. And this helplessness is perhaps the worst part of being left.

(I’m not going to get into the myriad effects of being left by a jerk here; I feel like I’ve addressed that enough over the years!)

Divorce isn’t easy for anyone, whether you were the one who decided the marriage was over or you were the one who received the news. Regardless of your situation, you are responsible for your actions after the decision has been made. Strive to act with compassion and kindness towards yourself and others. Divorce is hard enough as it is, there’s no need to make it harder.

Guest Blog: The Stages of Recovery From the Women Who Made It

Posted on by stilllearning2b

By Amelia Meyer

 

He always chewed his lip when he knew he was in the wrong and, as I sat across the room, waiting for him to speak, I saw him begin to chew furiously. “What’s wrong?” I thought maybe he’d bought another expensive bicycle with the money we had saved for a trip to England. Nope.

“It’s what you think it is.” Typical, he avoided uttering the words and made it seem like something that was already in my realm of imagination. It wasn’t. But I knew him well enough.

“Cheating?” It’s the only thing I really feared. I barely whispered it, but he heard it loud and clear, nodding.

We had been married for 9.5 years and I had no idea. Unbelievable, yes. Stupid, possibly. But the fact remains. In the weeks that followed, I experienced a type of pain I hadn’t imagined possible and all I kept asking anyone that gave me a few seconds of their time (and some who hadn’t) was, “Will I ever be ok again? How long does it take for this feeling to pass?” I needed to know that I would get out of that deep, black hole and be some kind of normal again.

FamilyToday, I’m a different person. I’m happier, stronger, lighter, calmer. But, over the years since my divorce, I’ve had to go through the motions (and emotions) with friends facing a similar fate. Today, they are at various stages of getting from that dreadful pit to where I am. I want to share their stories and mine as a kind of timeline, a glimpse into what to expect and what just cannot be controlled or changed. Everyone’s story is different – their love and their expectations were different. But, meeting women that have experienced the horror, regardless of where they are on the timeline of healing, does give some peace. It did for me.

MEET D – THE BEGINNING

D is still waiting for her papers, but heard only six weeks ago of her husband’s infidelity. She is still raw, reeling from shock and unable to see the glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel. I know D to speak well of her husband always, to build him up in front of friends, and to give of herself to him and their marriage. Then, a few weeks back, he confessed to an affair with his masseuse, a place D had never thought to doubt him. He has moved in with her and her child, leaving D to juggle a world of hurt and betrayal alone.

  1. How do you feel right now?

Intense physical pain. Abandonment.

  1. Was your divorce expected? Why or why not?

Never. He preached loyalty no matter what to everybody who would hear.

  1. What do you remember feeling or thinking first?

Who is this man? I don’t recognize him.

  1. Have you worked through any of the five stages of grief (denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance)? Where are you at the moment?

Yes, even acceptance. But, sometimes, I catch myself hoping/dreaming that he comes back and says he is sorry and made a mistake. I got so angry that I broke so many things in our house after I moved out. I just walked in there and started breaking stuff. Ornaments, microwave and printer to the floor. He called the cops on me. I just told them that it was my house and my stuff and they let me leave in peace.

  1. How do you feel about your ex right now?

He is an evil stranger who tells people that he is in love with this other woman because I was a terrible wife to him. He has me out of my house, out of my job (I worked for him), but I have chosen to let it go. I cannot allow his actions to eat at me like a cancer.

  1. What has surprised you during the break-up or how have you surprised yourself?

Just how cold and calculated he has planned this. His mother told me she always knew he never loved me. I did not see that.

  1. What goals have you set for the next three months?

Not to make any rash/big decisions. To keep a strict watch on my finances, and to stay ever closer to my God and my congregation.

  1. What has been your time-out when things get too much?

A walk. A bath. A cry on my best friend’s shoulder.

  1. If you knew then (maybe just before he told you) what you do now, what would you do differently?

I would just walk away immediately. Many of the things said and done between us during this time was humiliating to me and robbed me of my dignity.

  1. What advice do you have for others that may be at the beginning of this rough road?

Stay away from the alcohol unless somebody trustworthy has your car keys and your mobile phone, lol.

Continue to read the rest.

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Heart Break – Heart Attacks After Divorce

Posted on by stilllearning2b

A recent study has shown that people who have been divorced are at a higher risk of having a heart attack at some point. Interestingly, the risks are higher for women then men and remarriage has more of a protective effect on men than women.

The study’s authors propose that perhaps divorce is more stressful on women and that women often face a greater economic impact from divorce. Data backs up the second claim, but the first is more tenuous. After all, men are discouraged from showing pain and weakness and are less likely to seek and receive help post-divorce. So, is it perceived as harder on women only because women are more likely to talk about it?

There was one factor that seemed to be a glaring omission from the study – the impact of children. Was there a correlation between the number, ages and custody of the kids and an elevated risk of a heart attack? It certainly seems plausible that the stress of being a primary caregiver for the kids could be a contributing factor to heart disease.

I’m glad to see research such as this carried out. It illustrates the impact of divorce and speaks to the importance of self-care after a stressful life change. And the more we understand, the more we can address. Perhaps making divorce just a little less painful.

Why People Cheat

Posted on by stilllearning2b

I never thought I’d tackle this post. First of all, if I could answer this question with certainty, I certainly would not be teaching middle school math; I’d be taking over Oprah’s spot. The reasons people stray in their marriages are as varied and complex as marriage itself. Past, present and personality weaving together to create a perfect storm. To add to the complexity, the reasons people cheat are rarely the reasons they say they cheat. You are much more likely to hear excuses or blame because the truth takes bravery and insight along with a willingness to then divulge the understanding that was reached.

 

So, without further ado, here are the patterns I have seen emerge. We’ll start with the simplest.

The Bad Decision

This is the “it just happened” infidelity, although that excuse makes my skin crawl. This is the affair born of bad decisions that may or may not have other co-existing causes. There is no magic in a wedding band that suddenly causes all others of the opposite sex to be invisible. We all meet people that we find attractive and that awaken that little spark. But you always have a choice. Long before anything happens, you can make the decision to walk away. The earlier the better. The closer you get to flame, the more  difficult it becomes to leave. You may get to a point where your body has the best of you, but you can choose to use your brain before then.

The Need for Physical Connection

A marriage where the partners have different sexual needs is certainly a struggle. In this type of affair, one (or both) of the partners are craving more physical intimacy and they look outside the marriage to sate their appetites. My frustration with this type (and the affair described below), is that so often the straying partner is helping to create the desert at home by turning his or attentions away. This reason is also used as an excuse for infidelity and can even be created by the straying partner as a way for them to reconcile their decisions within their own mind. After all, it’s easy to claim a sexless marriage and difficult to refute unless you never close your blinds.

The Need for Emotional Connection

Two has the potential to be lonelier than one can ever be. There is no worse feeling that being with someone and yet feeling invisible. People can change and grow apart. In this type of affair, the straying partner is seeking responsiveness and demonstrative affection from another. They describe their marriage as “dead” and want to feel alive. I get it, but there are other options than an affair. Please, seek them out first.

The Need for Approval

This is often the affair of the narcissist. They are typically brief and in succession, a new partner replacing the former before he or she gets to know too much. This straying partner is driven by the need to be idolized, which is a trademark of early romance that fades as time reveals more about the person.

The Need for Stimulation

Affairs can be rewarding; there is a rush from the newness that is amplified by the necessary intrigue. Some people are wired to need more stimulation. These are your daredevils and stockbrokers. Others train themselves to need an increasing amount of stimulation, such as in the case of addiction. Their threshold for stimulation is set higher than a “normal” life can fulfill and so they are always seeking their next reward. I believe this is why there is a connection between Twitter use and affairs.

The Snipe Hunt for Happiness

I find this the saddest reason for infidelity. In this case, a person is truly unhappy and, rather than address the issue internally where it resides, they begin a snipe hunt for happiness, looking for it in external things and often, people. This affair is not driven by something missing in the marriage; it’s powered by something missing in the person. And, what makes it sad to me is that while they are on a winless quest for happiness, they steal joy from others along the way.

 

Many affairs can be described by more than one of the reasons above. After all, we’re all human with our complexities and fallibilities. Affairs happen. But maybe if we can understand more of why they do we can stop them before they start or learn from them once they do.

 

And, for those of you who have been betrayed, here is some more information for you:

Classification of Infidelity – A look at he types of infidelity from the perspective of the betrayed.

Will I Ever Trust Again? – A perspective on how to learn to trust again after betrayal.

Of Horses and Zebras – A description of how betrayal changes your brain.

The Upside of Betrayal – Betrayal isn’t all bad. There are some positives. I promise.

Revisionist

Posted on by stilllearning2b

When I was in the early days after the text, I found Viki Stark’s blog, Runaway Husbands. I had mixed feelings about the discovery. On the one hand, it felt good to know that I wasn’t alone. On the other, especially as she was collecting stories for her book, it was filled with wives adding their own, often anger-filled, stories of how he left. I spent a few weeks there and even added my own tale. But then I moved on, knowing that reading about the beginnings every day would keep me in the beginning. I cared about how he left but I was more concerned about how I was going to live.

If you have experienced a tsunami divorce, I recommend reading Viki Stark’s work. She distills thousands of cases into facts and patterns, which bring some comfort and depersonalization to the betrayed. Although her work is with abandoned wives, it fits just as well with the husbands I have encountered that have also experienced sudden abandonment.

In her recent piece in Psychology Today, My Husband Was Abducted By Aliens, she explores the way that the deserting spouse rewrites history and reality to match his/her own needs. I remember how crazy-making this was when my ex spewed lies in his suicide letter to my mom and other wife (spoiler – he survived). In time, I came to realize that he could not live with the cognitive dissonance created by his actions. So he rewrote my reality to match his.

One of the pieces of advice I give to someone in this situation is to have a reality anchor. There are days that feel like an acid trip through Alice’s Nightmareland, where you no longer know what is a fabrication and what is real. Have something that reminds you of the truth that can bring you back. I held a copy of his mugshot in my purse for months. It was my reminder that he was a criminal.  And criminals lie.

The most important advice I can give to someone who has been abandoned is to learn how to not take it personally. Sounds crazy, I know. Read this.

Regardless of what your exiting spouse says, it’s your story. Write your happy ending. Aliens be damned.