Wouldn’t it be nice if we could just push a pause button on life while we’re trying to get it together during divorce? Unfortunately, such a button has yet to be invented. And so we are stuck trying to keep up with our responsibilities at work while our emotions and personal lives are pulling us down.
And it’s not easy.
Here are 10 easy things you can do to help make it a little less tough that don’t require calling in sick for the next year:)
If you had told me that I was going to marry another man who had to frequently travel for his work, I would have told you that you were crazy. Okay, so I probably would have been more tactful than that – a “No, I don’t think so” followed by the thought, They must have accidentally licked that poisonous toad because they’re obviously having hallucinations.
Because, after all, my ex used his many business trips as an opportunity to behave badly and then later on, he used the excuse of business trips to court his new wife. Ugh. Just ugh.
This time around, I thought, I want a man that stays where I can see him.
But that’s not what happened. I ended up falling for a man who is often out of sight during the week as he travels for business.
And with some intention and effort on both of our parts, it turns out to be just fine:)
Here are some of the things we discovered and implemented along the way to manage and nurture our marriage even while we are apart:
My husband is lucky with his current gig – he spends most of his away time in the same two cities, where he has “his” hotels, “his” restaurants and even a martial arts class that he teaches. The element of routine and known places and people helps to alleviate some of the stress and boredom that can so easily overtake life on the road.
Obviously, many people are required to travel to different cities every week (or even every day. shudders.). It is still possible to establish and follow some routines and find familiarity along the way. Design or find a structured workout program that can be followed in your hotel room. Or commit to a daily 5-mile run, regardless of your location. Find something portable or easily found in a variety of locations that you can use to fill your evenings with so that you are not always bored in a hotel room or drunk in a bar.
Find your balance between structured enough to stay focused and flexible enough to bend to the demands of your job and your location. Find the sweet spot between enough down time to relax and not so much that you become restless. A little planning can prevent a lot of problems.
Even if you’ve traveled for work for years, it can still seem like an opportunity to “treat” yourself. Yet when these treats happen every week, they’re not treats, they’re habits. So make an effort to develop healthy ones.
I see it all the time – a promotion is followed by extra travel and is soon followed by extra pounds. The partner that used to want to be active and engaged in life is now overweight and sluggish. Food and drink are used as an escape on the road and the impact is then felt at home.
Lose the idea that travel is an anomaly for you. Let go of the idea that you need a treat or a distraction to get you through the trip. Instead, set and follow road habits that may even be a little more restrictive than the ones you follow at home. For example, my husband has a “salads only” policy for himself when he travels. Not only does it keep him trim, but it makes the steak once he’s home that much better.
In our early days of dating, my now-husband forwarded an email from his boss that had his flight information on it. That email meant nothing to him. It meant everything to me. After a marriage with a husband hell-bent on deception, this innocently-sent message was verification of veracity.
If you’re the one on the road, be aware that your spouse (especially depending upon their background) may struggle with trust and insecurity. Don’t provide “proof” of every little thing (not only is this crazy-making and controlling if your partner expects this, it can also be interpreted at working to hide something), but also be mindful about occasionally providing proof that you are where you say you are and doing what you say you’re doing. A little goes a long way here to making the one left at home not feel like they’re left in the dark.
Be careful not to put your life on hold until your spouse gets back. This is especially true when they’re gone over the weekend or over a holiday. Develop your own interests. Cultivate your own friends. Ensure that you’re not dependent upon your partner for all of your social contact.
If your partner’s travel is consistent, you can be consistent with your plans. If their schedule is more variable, you may find that you want to more adaptable to maximize time together.
I know I can get frustrated when the dog is being especially needy and everything in the house seems to need attention when my husband is out of town. And I can’t even imagine the toll with kids in the picture. It’s an unfortunate side effect of frequent travel that the one at home often feels like a single parent – even if it’s just of a human-sized pit bull:)
So take a suggestion from single parents and build your support system. Have go-to people for kid-watching, dog-pottying, house-fixing and anything else you may need. It will help alleviate guilt and pressure on your partner and frustration and overload on yours.
From the perspective of one who doesn’t travel, leaving town can seem to be exciting. Adventurous. Romantic even. Yet the reality of business travel is often the exact opposite – tedious, boring and isolating. Be sensitive to what conclusions you reach and how you respond. Remember – this isn’t a vacation, this is your partner making sacrifices for the benefit of both of you.
Also be mindful of how you greet your partner when they return. Some people like a strong and fervent hello. Others need more time to decompress and readjust to life at home. Few prefer to walk into chaos and demands. I know that you’ve felt like you’ve had to do it all and you’re ready to have help again. Just let it slide for a few minutes to let the road warrior fully return home.
FaceTime is the bomb-diggity for marriages on the road. It’s quick. It’s easy. And you can even use it to have your spouse check out that weird spot on your back. No matter your choice of connection software, use it. There is no excuse otherwise these days.
It’s easy for any marriage to become focused on the day-to-day tasks that need to occur. And it’s even easier to slide into that bad habit when the element of touch is taken away. Remember that technology? Use it to flirt. Sext. Get jiggy with it. I don’t care if it feels awkward. It’s important.
There will be times that one partner needs more attention than usual. And the marriage should be a safe place to make that request and have it received kindly. And remember, your spouse cannot read your mind. Make sure to ask for what you need.
A marriage on the road certainly has its unique struggles. And it also has its blessings. The relationship is kept fresher with more time and experiences apart. Both partners are forced to be independent and also have to learn to work together. Boredom is easier to keep at bay when the routine is expanded beyond town. And if nothing else, a kiss hello is always something to smile about:)
At this point, the only real regret I have about my first marriage was that I didn’t know.
Not about the financial and sexual infidelity (although it would have been nice to have had some insider information!). And not even about his plan to leave and secure another wife.
I regret that I didn’t know about his struggles with addiction and depression.
Because when it comes down to it, that is the real tragedy.
And unlike the bizarre secret life and the bigamy, hiding battles with addiction and depression* is exceedingly common.
And the consequences of trying to conceal these struggles are far-reaching and often devastating.
*I limit my emphasis here to addiction and depression partly because I believe those are the struggles my ex faced and because those are the two areas that I still witness the most stigma around. These same ideas hold true for most struggles – from weight loss to divorce, from anxiety to dealing with loss. These are the hard parts of the human journey. And they share a common language that we all speak if we’re willing to listen.
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At this point, I can only guess at what happened. At what demons my ex was wrestling with behind closed doors and only witnessed with closed eyes.
I know that he was taught from a young age the skill of hiding. He covered for his father when he was drunk at his son’s birthday party. He created stories to keep classmates away from his house and its concealed secrets. He learned to keep his tears in and his shoulders up.
I knew these things. I saw these things. But I also thought he was different with me. That he could open up. Feel safe. He showed me some secrets. I mistakenly thought he revealed them all.
I learned otherwise when I opened the cupboard doors in the basement after he left. The clutter of empty bottles spoke of another side of my husband. A darker side. A struggling side.
A side he never let me see.
Part of me wonders if is some strange way, by living this other life in secret and then leaving suddenly, he was trying to protect me. Shield me from his shadow-self. He had always seen himself as my guardian.
Or maybe he was too ashamed to reveal his internal conflicts and fears. His concern with his outward appearance and perception increased while his downward spiral accelerated. Ever afraid as being seen as less-than, something he perceived in his own father.
Perhaps he was afraid at the repercussions of speaking out about his problems. I have to admit, I would not have taken it well, especially if it had been hidden for some time. He may have been fearful of my anger. My disappointment. And my own fear.
Or maybe it was more about the fear of being judged by his family. His friends and coworkers. The world. At being distilled down to a single word – “depressed”. Or “addict”. Instead of a singularly complex man.
Conceivably, his depression or addiction had him feeling spun out of control. And so orchestrating his own magic show of misdirection and misinformation became his way of exerting control. Of making the pain somehow a little more bearable. I’m no stranger to that trick.
Of course, he may not even have possessed that level of self-awareness, simply seeking refuge from his pain wherever it could be found. Doubtful that true help could ever be obtained. And instead of seeing himself as struggling in the moment, he may have seen himself as permanently broken. Or maybe he couldn’t even bear to face himself at all.
And that’s the part that breaks my heart.
For him. And for all the others like him that are too stoic or too afraid or too ashamed to speak out.
Because no matter what his reasons were for not speaking out, not reaching out,
Keeping it in only made it worse.
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It’s natural to want to shield those we love from excessive pain or ugliness. We care for them. We want the best for them. Even when it’s at the expense of ourselves.
There’s a magical thinking that can occur – if I can only keep this hidden from them, I’ll fix it on my own and everything will be the same. Yet upon reaching that point, things have already changed. For one, it’s impossible to be fully present when you’re presenting with a facade. You’re playacting. And that’s not fair to you or to them. Also, one of the strongest human drives is to be seen and accepted for who we are. And by wearing a mask, you’re isolating yourself.
We all need a human connection. We wither away without affection, attention and connection just as easily as we do without without food. When you make a decision to keep it in out of a sense of obligation, you’re starving yourself of the very sustenance you need to get better.
Furthermore, although you may believe you’re holding this in out of altruism, it’s ultimately a selfish act. You’ve decided that you are the one in control of their reality and you’re guiding it along based on your script alone.And when they find out – and they will eventually find out – the fact that you have kept the truth hidden from them will prompt anger, frustration, sadness and self-doubt.
Truly acting in their best interest occurs when you present them with the facts and allow them to reach their own decisions.
It is not your responsibility to ensure that others never feel pain. It is your responsibility to not willingly inflict needless suffering. And trying too hard to protect somebody often results in the pain magnifying needlessly.
It’s not unusual for those stricken with depression or addiction to be people-pleasers. To want to be liked and often to find their own validation through that of others. And so when depression or addiction, with its inevitable impact on daily life and productivity, rears its ugly head, it can be easy to try to keep it under the covers for fear of letting down those around you.
You don’t want to go from being seen as “the smart one” to “the sad one.” From “the person who is always there for me” to “the person who never shows up.” Or “the responsible one” to “the don’t-trust-them-with-anything one.” And so you keep quiet. Keep the illusion.
Yet, just like you are not responsible for making sure that nobody ever feels pain, you are also not responsible for making others happy. For pleasing them. You do you and don’t worry so much about them.
Witnessing disappointment in the eyes of another is like a reflection of yourself that you have been avoiding. And maybe that’s exactly what you need to face.
And sadly, you will be.
By people who don’t understand, who believe that it can never happen to them and that you are somehow “less than” for letting it happen to you. By people that refuse to see you as a person with an illness rather than simply a walking label. By people who believe that strength is found in silence and that you are weak by speaking out. When in reality, their judgment is only because they’re cowardly with facing uncomfortable truths. By people that see depression and addiction as character flaws instead of character-builders. By people that have narrow minds because they are threatened by the inclusion of the unknown. By people that believe that they can control everything in their lives and are not willing to concede otherwise.
You will be judged.
Not because of who you are. But because of who the adjudicators are.
Don’t let them define your life for you. Be stronger than their fears and more forthcoming than their views.
Let them judge. And seek to prove them wrong.
One of the most important things to realize about the illnesses of addiction and depression is that they lie to you. They devise reasons why it’s imperative that you remain secretive. Not because it’s better for you. But because it’s better for the illness. They grow stronger in the dark, unchecked by outside influence.
They tell you that because you have failed at something, you are a failure. They whisper that you’re hopeless and then feed upon your despair. They convince you that you’re broken, unlovable and that anyone would recoil upon seeing your true nature.
Shame is perhaps the most malignant of human emotions. It is the root of so many bad choices and behaviors as it tries to distract from its own misery while inadvertently feeding it. It is the wound that screams at the sight of the sun, when light is the very thing that will bring healing.
And here’s the thing with shame – it tells you that you are alone in your feelings. When in reality, they are feelings we have all shared. And it’s only upon sharing them that this truth becomes evident.
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If you are suffering with addiction or depression currently, speak up and get the support and help you need. There is no shame in asking for help. In fact, recognizing your need for help and being brave enough to ask for it shows your strength. You are not your illness. You are so much more. Begin by refusing to listen to your illness’s orders to keep it hidden. Because that only makes it worse.
If you have suffered from addiction or depression in the past, speak out about your story. Do your part to help remove the stigma and assumptions about mental illness. Silence implies complacency with the status quo. So refuse to be silent. Allow your story to become one of understanding for those with a tendency to judge and one of inspiration for those further behind you. You don’t have to be perfect. In fact, it’s better if you show that you’re not.
If you love someone who is suffering from addiction or depression, speak with compassion. Facing a loved one’s struggles is hard. Accepting that you cannot control their decisions is scary. And setting and maintaining healthy boundaries is an on-going cycle of hope and heartbreak. Understand that they are not doing this to hurt you, they are doing this because they are hurting. So be kind. Both to them and to you. After all, we’re all in this thing together.
For all of you who have spoken out, I respect you and your courage. I hope my former husband has joined your ranks.
Related:
Hurt People Hurt People and the 7 Keys of Conscious Compassion
I remember the first time I felt alive again after my husband left-
I was giddy that night, retelling the tale of the improbable day to my friend, my heart standing at attention like a new recruit. My mind was swarming with the possibilities. My body tingled with the memory of touch and trembled at the thought of more. I felt alive, awakened. For twelve amazing hours, I could forget about the pain and the misery and pretend to be healed.
Pretend being the operative word.
Like many people recently out of a serious relationship, I clung to that feeling. It was such a relief after months of drowning in anguish and anger. I wanted more. It was like a drug, damping the pain. That spark awakened my body after the slumber of trauma and survival. I feared my body had forgotten how to feel pleasure much like it had forgotten how to eat. I was relieved to discover that some lessons are not easily forgotten. I relaxed into the respite from my daily struggle with the legal system, as I was still in the gory midst of a malignant divorce. But most of all, I felt hope, optimism that I would be able to trust again. To love again.
I wanted that spark to be real, to be fanned into a full-fledged flame that would continue to burn. But the truth was that I was nowhere near ready. I still relied on medication to get me through the endless nights and to trick my body into eating. I still became overwhelmed by the tears that seemed to sneak up on me. I still responded physically to telling my story and I avoided known triggers like they were land mines ready to explode. I was still learning how to be single; I certainly didn’t yet know how to be partnered again.
I was ready for the idea, but not the reality. I was prepared for the fantasies but not the work. I wanted so desperately to be healed and that spark let me believe, at least for a moment, that I was. But the truth is that the spark was real, but the promises of an easy escape were simply a mirage, glittering temptingly on the horizon.
For several reasons, that spark of attraction never developed into anything resembling a relationship. It was there and then it was gone, gifting me with the desire and confidence to enter the dating scene.
Yet often that’s not the case.
Sometimes that spark is nurtured into flame, lighting up the sky with the false dawn of a rebound relationship.
It can be a beautiful sunrise, warming your soul and becoming a ray of light to guide you out of the darkness of divorce.
And like a sunrise, it’s usually fleeting.
Rebound relationships follow closely behind the end of another relationship. I’m not a fan of absolutes when it comes to the time needed to heal and process the end of a marriage – it’s too individual and dependent on too many factors. Before you’re ready for love again, you need time to exhale the sadness from your divorce. You need enough distance to gain perspective. And perhaps most importantly, you need to be in a place where you’re not grasping or running away, as neither is a good way to start a healthy relationship.
There’s wisdom in the saying that you have to be okay alone before you can be okay in a relationship. And it takes some time to learn to be okay alone.
These relationships tend to burn hot – an intense attraction that feels overwhelming to your previously deadened self. They can make you feel animated. Exhilarated. Intoxicated. It can create a sense of, “THIS is what I’ve been missing.”
Sometimes real love can ignite quickly. But at some point, it has to settle into a smolder if it’s going to last.
Maybe your ex didn’t make you feel appreciated and this new person expresses gratitude for your every breath. Perhaps you felt disconnected and alienated from your former spouse and the new crush makes you feel attached and understood. A rebound relationship often seems to solve all of our problems by replacing one person (who obviously wasn’t a good fit) with one that seems custom-made.
It would be nice if creating a strong relationship was all about finding the “right” person. But that’s only the first step. In order to build and maintain love, you also have to address your own issues and fears and judgments that led you to this place. Nobody is going to save you other than you.
If somebody appears to be perfect, they’re either hiding something or you’re ignoring something. Rebound relationships often exist in the world of make believe, built on hopes and dreams. And that’s a weak foundation because at some point, reality will intervene.
Love, on the other hand, sees those flaws and accepts them.
A couple in a rebound relationship can appear to be very close, extremely connected and intimate. Yet it’s often a false intimacy because neither partner is willing or able to become completely vulnerable. If one person is in a savior role, they are using their position to refrain from feeling emotionally exposed. If one (or both) possess a victim mindset, they are leaving parts of themselves protected.
Love takes intimacy. Intimacy takes vulnerability. And vulnerability takes trust, self-awareness and time.
Sometimes rebound relationships mature into love. And often they end within a relatively short period of time. And the pain of that ending is frequently disproportionately large to the duration of the relationship. I often have people tell me that the end of the rebound is more painful than the end of the marriage. That happens for several reasons – a loss of hope, a realization that a different and infinitely more difficult path is required and the allowance of the brunt of the pain of the divorce (that was delayed due to the rebound).
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Some people advise to avoid rebound relationships. Not bad advice, but often impossible to follow since it’s difficult to see a rebound while you’re surrounded by it.
Instead of striving for complete avoidance, I counsel restraint – don’t rush into any major decisions in a relationship that ignites soon after your divorce. There’s no hurry.
Be honest, with yourself and with your partner, about where you are in the healing process.
Pay attention to your motivations – are you running away from an uncomfortable truth or grasping on to keep from drowning?
Besides, rebound relationships have value – They give you a moment of respite and hope. They highlight want you want in a relationship and what you need to address in yourself before you’re ready. And rebound relationships give you the belief that you’re not broken beyond repair and that you can love and be loved again.
When Brock and I first started getting serious, I was afraid of arguments.
Because I didn’t know how to have them. When it came to marital spats, I was a newbie.
At any sign of discord or disappointment, I would flood with emotion and any chance of rational thinking would be washed away. I responded defensively, viewing any comment as an attack. I was so busy being upset and even more so, scared, that I wasn’t able to listen to what was being said.
I’ve spent the last several years learning how to argue so that when all is said and done, we not only feel better, we have become better. Here’s some of what I have learned (and what I’m still learning):
The purpose of fighting isn’t to be right; the purpose is to be better.
When you’re in the midst of an argument, it’s easy to feel as though you’re on the attack and you’re being attacked. This position easily leads to a “I’m right, you’re wrong” stance.
And that’s always a losing battle.
Because in order for one person to be right, the other has to be wrong.
Unless, that is, the entire situation is turned on its head. And instead of fighting to be right, you both are fighting to be better. To make you better. To make your spouse better. To make the marriage better.
Reframe your argument as attacking a climbing wall together rather than pulling against each other in a tug-of-war. Ideally at the beginning of the conversation or as soon as you’re aware, try to define what the overall goal is, name the mountain you’re trying to scale. You don’t have to agree on an approach yet, just the overall goal.
See the obstacles in the way of the goal as challenges to be overcome. Try to shift from working against each other to working together to problem solve a solution.
Try facing the same direction. It seems silly, but it really does shift the focus from an attack to making forward progress towards a shared aim.
Instead of bringing up perceived slights of your partner, bring up challenges you have successfully tackled together.
And here’s the hard part – when your anger rises, strive to refrain from aiming it at your spouse. Remember, you chose them. Challenges and all.
Throughout the argument, remember that goal is to change the situation or the perspective, not your partner. Commit to every fight being a fight for your marriage.
Accept that your ego will be bruised.
Be willing to say the hard truths. And be willing to hear them as well. Part of a good relationship is calling your partner out on his or BS, which never feels good.
It feels good in the moment to surround yourself with “yes men,” but too many sycophants don’t make you better. They only make you think you’re better by petting your ego. Refuse to let your ego stand in your way.
On the other hand, strive to not take everything personally. Just because it’s directed at you, doesn’t always mean it’s about you.
Whenever you start to feel defensive, pay attention. Defensiveness is telling you that you’re getting close to something that demands attention.
Also, you’ll do well to give your spouse the benefit of the doubt. In a heated conversation, the best and most well-intended of us don’t always choose the right words. Sometimes you have to let the words go and focus instead on the meaning behind them.
Compromise is rarely 50-50.
We speak of compromise as meeting half way. Of both people equally giving in and getting their way.
But compromise is defined more by the situation than equal shares.
Sometimes an issue will be more important to one partner than the other. The one who cares more should have more say. Other times there will be other factors that come into play making one viewpoint more easily achieved. And sometimes halfway can be much harder on one person to maintain than the other.
In arguments, it’s best to take the long view. Don’t fight for this moment, fight for all the moments in your marriage that are yet to come. Don’t worry about compromise being equal on this day, ensure that it’s fair overall.
Monitor your and adjust your arousal state (and keep an eye on your partner’s as well).
Have you ever noticed that when your emotions are high, your sight retracts, sounds become distant and your world draws in until it’s difficult to perceive anything outside yourself? Your body may feel hot or you may start to tremble. This is often when the tears or even sobs begin.
When you’re flooded, a fight simply serves as a dam, holding the emotions at their max. The waters of feelings have to be drained before you and your partner will be able to get to the bottom of the issues.
Watch your partner’s state. If they’re flooding, back off. They are not really listening or processing.
Monitor your own emotional state. If you sense that you’re flooding, communicate it, step back and focus on lowering your arousal state through breathing. Or a break.
Break the discussion into bite-sized pieces, but don’t allow an endless buffet.
Some fights take time to digest. Some solutions take time to process. Give them that time. It’s okay to table the argument for a period and then return to it later once both partners have been able to rest and think and relax.
However, be sure to set an end to the argument. A sign that it’s over. And once that benchmark has been reached, lay the fight to rest.
When the conversation is over, don’t neglect your work.
Have you learned some truth about yourself that you need to work on? Have you realized that you are still being influenced by your past? After the argument, take some time to reflect on the lessons embedded within.
View every fight as an opportunity to become closer to your spouse.
And use the time after the fight to nurture that closeness.
Lessons From the End of a Marriage 