It Stays With You

Texas has been getting pummeled with repeated rounds of severe storms. And Texans aren’t surprised. Because they’ve come to expect these epic storms. It’s familiar territory.

And once you’ve been a Texan (raises hand), you’ve always been a Texan. With a Texan’s memories and expectations.

These are some pictures of flooding in San Antonio, where I spent my formative years.

From a young age, I was schooled to avoid creeks and low lying areas during any kind of decent rainfall. In driver’s education, we spent the better part of a class learning about the signs of a flooded roadway and the repercussions of ignoring those signs. This was harder than you may imagine, as the literal measuring sticks at flood-prone intersections usually ended up underwater themselves. Even before I started driving, I learned alternate routes through the city that avoided the roads that had a tendency to submerge. That included a stretch of I-10 through downtown.

As a child, I watched with horror the footage of a school bus swept off the road by raging floodwaters, teenagers desperately grasping onto trees awaiting helicopter rescue. When I went tubing down the Guadalupe River every summer, I would stare up, way up, at the high water marks on the trees and rocks. I was stranded by water several times, unable to leave the house or unable to return.

As you can imagine, this stayed with me.

Even though Atlanta’s soil is actually permeable (unlike the slooow-draining limestone under a dusting of dirt that supports San Antonio), I still react defensively when the rain starts pounding. I mentally catalog potentially flooded roadways (a rarity here) and think about the closest high ground.

When my ex (also from San Antonio) and I purchased our first home in Atlanta, we viewed it with Texas eyes and insisted upon full coverage flood insurance even though we were not officially in a flood plain. We didn’t care. We saw that small, tame creek and didn’t trust it. Because we had both witnessed the incredible transformation of trickles into torrents in mere moments. In our ten years there, we never did use that insurance (although the flood map was redrawn a few years before we left and the house was deemed to be in the flood plain. Validation:) )

Of course, we didn’t buy the insurance with the expectation of using it. We bought it just in case. Protection against an unlikely but previously experienced outcome.

I didn’t have cheating, lying husband insurance.

Perhaps I should have. But that was an unexpected storm, one that I had never experienced and never saw coming.

One that I have now experienced.

And it stays with me.

 

10 Reasons Being Gaslighted Is the Worst

gaslighted is the worst

Ten reasons being gaslighted is the worst –

There’s a reason governments utilize psychological torture techniques on suspected terrorists.

It works.

It’s a way of controlling somebody discretely. Without obvious threats or harm. Simply by controlling their reality and steering their perceptions. Planting seeds of doubt and carefully nurturing them until a dependence upon the manipulator is created.

And you don’t have to be a prisoner suspected of treason to face this torture.

It can happen in your own home.

In your own marriage.

Only there, it’s not called torture (although maybe it should be).

It’s called gaslighting.

And here are the top ten reasons why it’s the worst-

10 Your Protector Becomes Your Persecutor

It’s horrifying when you realize that the person you love, you trust, has been slowly and intentionally lying and manipulating you. It’s like that nightmare you had when you were 5 where Santa Claus suddenly turned into a monster. Only this monster is real and you shared a bed with them.

9 It’s Invisible While It’s Happening

The whole point of gaslighting is to control somebody and distract them from what is really going on. As a result, it’s very difficult to identify when you’re in it. Generally, all you recognize is a sense that something is off and perhaps a sense of generalized anxiety. In some ways I’m glad I never spent time in a “bad” marriage. But then again, it’s scary to only realize after the fact that I was in one.

8 Your Memories Are Tarnished

I have 16 years of good memories with my first husband. And at least part of that history is false. But I have no idea what parts. So it’s all damaged. Ugly water stains on beautiful wedding photos. Was any of it real? I’ll never know.

7 It Doesn’t End When the Relationship Does

Some of this is by design. Often the abuser defames your character to others, leaving you in the position of either trying to convince them of a new truth or cut them out. But even without the character assassination, gaslighting persists. It’s in you, an unwanted tattoo imprinted upon your doubting brain.

6 Impact Is Hard to Recognize Until It Builds

The flood of feelings that led to my emotional hangover the other day was building for some time. But I couldn’t see it. It becomes very difficult to separate the implanted thoughts from your own. And sometimes the false ones take the lead for a time.

5 It’s Difficult to Explain to Others

Because until you’ve been there, you don’t believe that somebody can really have that much influence over your thoughts. Like much abuse, gaslighting starts slowly, ramping up the distortions until your reality is altered. And when you try to explain it, you either get judged or dismissed.

 

Continue to read the rest.

Finding the Sweet Spot Between Naivete and Panic

I had a bit of a freak out earlier this week. Actually, to be completely truthful, I’m still trying to tame the freak out.

The specifics don’t really matter here. What you need to know is this – I saw a small thing. A no-thing. A thing with no supporting things to make it into some-thing.

And I initially brushed it off as the no-thing it is.

But my brain had other ideas. You see, in my first marriage, I was naive. Completely ignorant, partly from an inability to face the reality and partly because I had complete (and blind) trust in my husband. And once you’ve been fooled, you feel pretty stupid. And you vow to never be fooled again.

And so my brain, completely ignoring the facts and the current reality, tapped on my dreams, whispering, “Are you sure? Remember what happened before? Don’t be stupid.”

I awoke the first two times from those nocturnal nudgings agitated and also annoyed. Unlike marriage numero uno, I am not afraid to face reality (no matter how ugly it may be) and I also don’t have a husband that leaves maybe-they-are-things-but-his-explanation-sounds-legit behind him like a trail of breadcrumbs. So I wasn’t freaked out; I saw those questions as what they were – ghosts of marriage past.

And I feel strongly that it’s important not to punish a new partner for the sins of the old.

But then the dreams came a third time. And this time was different. I awoke at 4:00 am and made my way downstairs. I felt sick from the anxiety that was building within my body. The questions took over, roiling in my mind like water on a hot stove. And as I sat there, waiting to start my coffee and my day, the no-thing grew into a big thing.

I still thought the questions were misplaced, asked years too late and directed at the wrong person, but after the third dream, I realized they needed to be asked.

And I’m so glad I did. Not only was Brock’s response perfect, but I felt my fears lift as I uttered the questions. I think my brain was just insisting that I not only face it alone, that I trust the marriage enough to face it as a team.

Now the voices have quieted, leaving me with only the residual mess to clean up.

But it’s not easy.

Finding the sweet spot between perpetual suspicion and willing blindness.

Between panic and naivete.

Learning to distinguish between past and present.

And trusting that you will see the some-things and learn to brush off the no-things.

Because if you see some-thing in every-thing, no-thing grows to fill the expectations.

Brock asked me what he could do to help. And it made me realize the futility of his position. He did nothing to cause my freak out and there’s nothing he can do to help ease the anxiety. Other than be himself and be patient with me.

Because one of the side effects of my past is that I no longer trust words (and even actions after-the-fact). They’re simply too easy to manipulate.

I feel like I spend the majority of time comfortably toeing the line between the two extremes. And it’s been quite a while since I had a freak out like this one.

And this was a good reminder not to ever get so comfortable with anything that you become complacent.

Navigating the sweet spot between naivete and panic cannot be undertaken on autopilot.

If Divorce Came With a Warning Label

Divorce FactsDivorce Facts2

START NOW