relationships

Lonely in Love? How Long to Create a Shared History?

Posted on February 18, 2016March 11, 2019 by stilllearning2b

How long does it take to create a shared history?

I think I finally have an answer.

In many ways, losing the shared history that I had with my first husband was even harder than losing my first husband. Because a shared history is something distinctive. The best and most memorable moments coexisting in both people, creating an intimacy unique to the couple. Time has eroded all of the rough edges of the reality, leaving only the pearls.

A year after he left, I no longer missed him at all.

But I desperately missed the existence of a shared history.

And that’s a terribly isolating feeling.

—–

Even as I was falling in love with my now-husband, I was lonely. I wasn’t sure why at first. We spent a great deal of quality time together, he was attentive and we were having a great time getting to know each other and taking the baby steps towards a shared life.

So why did I sometimes look at him and feel as though he was miles away?

It’s because he didn’t speak the language of my former shared history. I would have the overwhelming urge to bring up an old inside joke or remember a former shared experience. And even though I was falling for this man, this was a particular language he would never know.

In good relationships, the shared history is near the surface. Stories told and retold. Memories remembered. It’s a way to snug the laces holding two people together by recalling the happy times, the times of overcoming and the times you’re glad are over.

And that urge to share doesn’t end as soon as the relationship does. Leaving you feeling as though you’ve abruptly dropped in a foreign country and nobody else understands your native tongue.

—–

As time when on, I slowly forgot some of my earlier language. The urge to speak it lessened as my old shared history became less important and less in the forefront.

There was space to create a new shared history – one with my new partner. I was ready. But the creation of a shared history cannot be rushed.

So how long does it take to fully form a shared history?

The kind that has fully developed rituals to reflect back on and look forward to?

The kind that can provide an abundance of happy moments to recall?

The kind that has shared words and shared jokes that prompt a feeling of intimacy and love?

The kind that possesses narratives of the partners overcoming adversity together?

How long?

Right around five years.

Now, obviously a shared history is not operated by a switch – now you don’t have it, now you do. It grows over time, like a savings account with consistent deposits. But just like like savings account, there comes a moment when you step back and realize that all of those small additions have built up to something significant.

Five years is enough time for holiday rituals to become established. Five years is long enough to have a wealth of good memories to pull from and enough adversity to recall the overcoming of it. It’s a span where change is evident – in bodies, in homes, in goals – and reminiscing about the earlier versions can occur. After five years, you have amassed enough photographs and cards and texts to tell the story of your relationship. Now just how it began, but how it evolved.

Five years may feel like a long time. But it’s much shorter than never.

—–

If you’re feeling lonely and isolated after the loss of a shared history, try the following-

-Reconnect with people from your past. It will refresh a different shared history and lessen some of that loneliness.

-If you have kids, be aware that you are helping to build their first shared history. Be intentional and find joy in the history you’re creating with them.

-In the beginning, it’s hard not to voice the shared memories that surface. Be patient with yourself. And then work to lessen their presence. No need to eradicate them, just don’t keep them in the file folder in the front of the mental drawer.

-If you’re starting a new relationship, be patient. It takes time to develop a full shared history. As it is created, nurture it by interacting with it. For example, revisit special restaurants, use nicknames and remind your partner of a time when they really shined.

-Stay busy and engaged. Love your moments and you won’t worry as much about your memories.

I’m Determined to Make Marriage Work: Valuable Lessons From Divorce

Posted on February 15, 2016March 8, 2024 by stilllearning2b

“A second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.” Oscar Wilde

“This is it, though.” I said to my then-boyfriend when he brought up the idea of marriage. “I want to be married again but this is it. I’m not going through another divorce.”

And with that vow, I decided to do some things differently in my second marriage. Because even though there is no such thing as divorce-proof, I can still make sure that I do everything I can to inoculate my second marriage from dissolution.

Choosing Differently

I based my choice of my first husband largely upon how he treated me. I chose my second husband more because of how he treated people other than me. It’s easy to treat somebody well when you’re in the sunshine-and-roses stage of a new relationship. That’s more a sign of hormones than character. But how somebody treats people in general? That’s telling.

I also looked for concrete signs in my second husband that he wasn’t afraid of imperfection and that he had a proclivity to repair rather than replace. My ex was concerned about appearances. How he was perceived. Weakness and flaws were to be feared and concealed. In contrast, my second husband sees cracks as an opportunity for creative problem-solving and reworking. I’m still learning from him on that one.

Awareness That Sustainability is Not Inevitable

I assumed that my first husband would always be there because he always had been there. I expected that marriage to last because I wanted it to. I thought that since we had been okay, that we would continue to be okay.

It was a naive view of marriage – seeing it like a Rube Goldberg design with it’s upfront work followed by effortless activity. I see more like a garden now. Yes, much of the work is concentrated in the beginning. But it takes constant monitoring and consistent attention to ensure its continuation. If it’s neglected for too long, the flowers will fall to weeds.

Never Take Anything For Granted (And Never Fail to Share Appreciation)

My ex husband was good to me. But I wasn’t always good to him. I transferred my work stress onto his shoulders, lessening my load but also burdening him. I would thank him for some kind deed, but then negate it with criticism about some detail. I expected him to help and grew accustomed to his willingness to do so.

Now, I allow myself to be surprised at every gesture of kindness or every offer of help. Not because it’s rare, but because I appreciate it every time. And I more generous with sharing that appreciation and keeping any disappointment in the details to myself. To say, “Thank you,” rather than “Thank you, but…”

Allow My Husband to Feel Like a Man

Perhaps because my first husband didn’t fit neatly into society’s stereotypes about being “a man,” or maybe because I went through my formative dating years without my dad around, I didn’t have an awareness of the importance of certain conditions and their impact on a man’s self-worth.

From my now-husband, I’ve learned about the importance of feeling like a man. Of feeling in control over his domain. Of being recognized for his contributions. Of feeling a need to protect his family. Of feeling a need to appear the strongest when at the most vulnerable. And of the shame and emptiness that can come from not feeling like a man.

Do My Own Thing (And Encourage Him to Do His)

My ex and I used to do most everything together. We enjoyed each other’s company and we enjoyed many of the same experiences. We even shared many of the same friends. It wasn’t necessarily a bad thing, but it meant that we grew to depend upon each other for much of our social, intellectual and entertainment needs. And that’s a lot to ask of one person.

Although I may sometimes grumble that I’m a Ju Jitsu widow, I’m glad that my now-husband has passions apart from me. And I make sure to engage in mine as well. Our separate interests keep us interesting to each other. It means that we get some of our needs met elsewhere, placing less demand on the marriage. I miss him sometimes, yet that also means that I’m always happy to see him.

Prioritize Self-Care and Extinguish Martyrdom

I can have an ugly tendency to do it all and expect empathy or recognition for my efforts. In my first marriage, I sacrificed my well-being for the financial health of the family, taking on every additional school and tutoring assignment that I could. Rather than doing it from a place of generosity, I often did it from a place of martyrdom – look how much I’m working for us.

Needless to say, that’s not a healthy approach. I now strive to recognize when I’m slipping into that mindset and when it’s noticed, I either shift to a place of giving or I switch to a period of self-care. I also work to be careful of my decisions. Rather than claiming I’m doing something because of someone else, I recognize that I’m choosing to do (or not so) that thing. The other person may be a factor, but they are not the causal factor.

Manage My State of Arousal and Anxiety

I can get pretty worked up. My emotions and anxieties can build until they feel like soda bubbles beneath my skin. In my first marriage, my ex became the expert at talking me down. All he had to do was wrap me in his arms, skin to skin, and my heart rate would quickly slide back down to normal. I grew dependent upon that power. And he abused that power.

When my anxiety is spiking, I can’t reason well. I can’t engage meaningfully and fairly in a difficult conversation. And I can’t listen fully because the fears are screaming too loudly. I’ve spent the past almost seven years (wow – has it actually been that long?!?) learning to recognize and tame my anxiety. I’m not always successful. But I’m always working to be better. And it’s my responsibility.

Have Patience With Problems and Openness With Solutions

I’m impatient when it comes to…well, just about anything. And problems (or perceived problems) in my marriage are not exempt. When I used to be upset at my ex for something, I would bring it up right away and expect an immediate solution. That led to a lot of bandaids, I figure, hiding the bleeding fatal wounds beneath.

I’m now more patient (sometimes too patient – always learning!) with bringing up issues. And I try to pose them as questions to be answered, not as problems with solutions I’ve already devised (which, let’s face it, usually consists of the other person needing to change). I try to be open to solutions that I haven’t thought of and be accepting of the fact that they may take time to work out. Curiosity and a sense a teamwork go a long way in negotiating life with another.

Be Willing to Confront and Challenge

When my ex was laid off yet again and had trouble locating a new company in his limited field, he elected to go solo. I supported him completely, surrounding him with pep talks and agreeing with all his decisions. But underneath, I had doubts. Both in his business model and in his justifications of money spent on equipment and software. Instead of just nodding along, I should have challenged his decisions. But I was afraid to.

When I have concerns now, I voice them. Not in an effort to shoot my husband down, but with the goal of helping him – and helping us – make better and more informed decisions. I’m not afraid to stand up to him, even if it means my toes get stepped on. A little bruising of the feelings is better than standing back and letting someone veer off course.

Trust But Verify

My avoidance of verification got me into real trouble in my first marriage. I took his word way too easily because it’s what it seemed on the surface and what I wanted it to be deep down. In my second marriage, I trust my husband. But it’s not blind trust.

I am also more aware of the importance of trusting myself. To see what’s there and to be okay even if I don’t like what I find. I’m better at checking in with my intuition and making sure it agrees with what I’m being told.

—–

It’s sad how many of us don’t really learn how to do marriage until we’ve buried one. I guess it’s one of those areas where we have to experience it to really learn it. I’m just determined to not need a repeat of the lessons. Because that’s a class no one ever wants to take again!

Married Sex Doesn’t Have to Be Lame

Posted on January 23, 2016March 8, 2024 by stilllearning2b

The search string, “married sex is lame” led someone to my neck of the blogosphere yesterday. I’m not sure why that combination of words led to me because even though I’ve written a little about sex and more about lame duck marriages, I’ve never written that married sex is lame.

Because I don’t think it is.

Or at least, I don’t believe it has to be.

I guess it starts with a dissection of what is meant by “lame.” Since the Googler isn’t here to explain him-or herself (don’t assume it was a man typing that; I’ve actually heard from more women dissatisfied with their sex lives than men!), we’ll have to make some assumptions.

First, a diagnosis of lame could come from a deficit of either (or both) quantity or quality. A dissatisfaction with the frequency of sex (by one or both partners) could be further broken down by external causes – children, time, illness – and internal factors – resentment, shame, aversion. This may be the entirety of the problem, or it may coexist with a qualitative unhappiness with sex, where physical intimacy is described as boring, predictable or uninspiring.

And sex is important to a marriage.It separates the romantic relationship from friendship. It nurtures a physical and chemical (thanks to our good friend, oxytocin) bond between the partners. The best sex transcends the physical act and becomes an expression of vulnerability and a gift of shared pleasure.

When sexual satisfaction wanes (especially when it decreases unevenly between the partners), it’s something to take seriously. It’s either a sign that something is amiss or it’s a factor that can contribute to the erosion of a marriage over time.

Sex in a marriage is important.

(And please, please, please consider sexual compatibility before entering into a commitment with somebody. If sex is very important to you, be honest about that and find somebody who matches your needs. If you tend towards the asexual, don’t try to be someone you’re not. And also refrain from marriage until after the initial sexual energy of a new relationship has settled. The honeymoon phase is just that – a phase. Not a time to make life-altering decisions).

What Do You Owe Your Spouse?

And you don’t have to settle for the stereotype that married sex is lame sex, becoming more crippled with each advancing year. Of course, you also have to accept your sphere of influence – it doesn’t extend much beyond you. In sex, as with any other endeavor, you can only control your actions and reactions. But even that can be pretty powerful:

Expectations

Because if you believe married sex is lame, guess what kind of sex your marriage will have? If you accept that sex inevitably declines over time, guess what will occur in your bed? If you expect your sex life to continue to be the way it was in the beginning, when you had your oxytocin and dopamine boosters filled to the brim, you will perceive the inevitable ebbs as a sign of impending doom.

Expect sex within a marriage to be good (and even great) and accept that, as with anything, perfection is only illusion.

Prioritization

Think back to the early years of your sexual explorations – Could you imagine having to schedule sex at that point? It practically scheduled itself into every waking hour, at least in thought.

That emphasis on sex will change. Which is good. After all, would you entrust your health to a surgeon with the pervasive sexual fantasies of a 17-year-old boy? I didn’t think so.

Marital sex takes intention. It takes creativity and persistence (and often a calendar and a door lock) to fit it in to the nooks in our busy lives. That’s not a sign of impeding doom. It’s a sign you have a life.

Expend Effort

Anything worthwhile in life requires effort. You won’t have a great sex life if you don’t nurture a great sex life.

And be careful of habit. When external pressures require a decrease in sex for a time, it’s easy to simply allow inertia to carry you along that path. Once the external circumstances allow, make an effort to climb back up into bed. Or the counter. I’m not judging:)

Periodicity

Sex in a relationship will wax and wane. There will be periods of more sex and times of less. There will be phases of fireworks and spans of quiet coupling. Ride the waves. Trust that ebbs will be followed by flows. And allow the troughs to help you appreciate the crests.

And don’t blame those dry periods on the marriage. They would happen if you were single and on the scene too – you just wouldn’t have a convenient scapegoat.

Novelty

There’s a reason that people are generally not sexually attracted to family members (with or without a blood connection). When someone is too familiar, they are no longer sexually attractive. We gravitate towards and over-familiarization of our spouses. Partly from time and proximity and partly from a desire for a feeling of security. But security and passion are mutually exclusive. See your partner as he or she is – an independent person that can still surprise you.

Release of Negativity

If you allow it, a marriage can create quite a collection of perceived hurts and wrongdoings. If you carry those stones of displeasure throughout the relationship, you will begin to resent their weight. And bitterness is certainly no aphrodisiac. Instead of sleeping with the partner who has disappointed you or bruised your feelings, try having sex with the person you fell in love with. They’re still there.

Understand the Role

One of the truisms about gender differences in marital sex is that women often have sex because they feel close to their partner, whereas men have sex to become close. We all too often reduce sex to its mechanical components. And yes, the physical act and release is important. But it’s not everything. Sex is a shared experience, bringing closeness. It is an opportunity for vulnerability and acceptance. It is a time to give and share pleasure.

Express Desire

One of the most common reasons you hear for an affair is, “It felt so good to be desired again.” That’s sad. We all have a need to be wanted and accepted. That’s perhaps the biggest gift you can give your spouse -the continued and open expression of desire along with the temperance of judgment.

“I see you. I accept you. And I want you.”

Self-Acceptance

It’s not just your partner you have to accept – it’s also yourself. It always makes me sad when I hear people (usually women on this one) bemoan their “fat” bellies and expanding hips and assuming that their husband finds them repulsive.

Another truism comes to mind here – “Confidence is the sexiest thing a woman can wear.” When we love ourselves, we invite others to see us in kind. Don’t give society the power to define what is sexy; you create your own sexy. And then own it without apology.

Curiosity and Openness

We become bored when we are boring. Harsh, I know. But true. It’s easy to build boxes and then live within the walls. Through away the recipe. Mix up the dance steps. Play. Explore together. Be curious rather than conclusive.

And I leave you with…

Top ten reasons married sex is the best sex:

Practice makes better. And you’ve had plenty of opportunity to rehearse.
You can help someone you care about feel wonderful. And they can return the gift.
You don’t have to decline an invitation for sex just because you are wearing the underwear with holes in them or you forgot to shave your legs.
Sex is better when you’re relaxed and comfortable being open and vulnerable, both of which come easier when you’re with somebody you know and trust.
You’ve already been accepted by your partner so you can put away the worries of does he/she like me.
You have a shared sexual history. So not only can you engage in fantasy, you can also engage in memory.
There is less pressure to appear perfect, either in appearance or performance, since you’ve seen your partner both at their best and at their worst.
Vacation sex.
You have opportunities to explore and refine, selecting what works and discarding what doesn’t.
Because everything is better with love. Even the naughty stuff.

And I hope the Googler in seek of help can discover that for themselves.

Biting My Tongue Until It Bleeds

Posted on January 11, 2016March 8, 2024 by stilllearning2b

“If you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all.”

We’ve all heard that wisdom. Advice handed down by a parent or teacher, perhaps in response to unkind words we uttered or as a reminder that we don’t have to share every thought that crosses our minds.

And much of the time, that advise is indeed wise. It’s usually better to scroll past an inflammatory post on social media than to attempt to engage. There is no reason to share your annoyances about your coworker with them (as an aside, I am so happy that the singular “they” is now accepted!!!! no more him/her nonsense!!!). And even in a relationship, biting one’s tongue is a critical skill to develop.

Yet, as is so often the case in life, this advice is written in black and white, while we live in a world of gray.

Sometimes there are things that need to be said. Things that may not be nice.

Another truism guides us here –

“Before you speak, ask yourself: Is it true? Is it necessary? Is it kind?”

And that’s where I often mess up.

Not by saying things.

But by holding them back. Letting them build. Until they erupt, small bits of truth simmered until burnt in emotions and assumptions.

Which isn’t fair to the person on the receiving end (unfortunately, usually Brock) and it leads to a room full of ugly emotions.

It’s an error in identifying what words are necessary. An error that leads to a muddling of truth and an unintentional dash of unkindness as the initial feelings are allowed to go to rot.

Recently, I’ve made an effort to identify the reasons why I have a tendency to bite my tongue until it bleeds:

Introversion

As an introvert, I tend to process silently (or in writing), only speaking once I’ve had time to think about something. It means I’m not prone to impulsive comments or saying something that is only half-thought out, but it does mean that I can give the impression that I’m complacent when I’m really trying to think about what to say.

Analytical Nature

I naturally tend to analyze (every)things. That combined with an independent streak means that I try to solve the puzzle of my emotions on my own. My brain naturally gathers and examines data points, only sharing the conclusions once they are reached. Unfortunately, the conclusions are often not valid.

I Want to Be Liked

I don’t want to be a bother. A nag. I want to ride the waves rather than make them. As a result, I will often swallow my distress instead of voicing it. Choosing to make myself ill in an attempt to preserve others. Yeah, there’s a little ugly martyrdom there.

Self Doubt

This is a side effect of the divorce. I struggle to differentiate between feelings that are originating from something that is bothering me in my present and those that are simply echoes from the past. And as healing becomes more complete and triggers fewer are further between, I find that I try to dismiss things too quickly. Only to have them bubble up later.

Flood-Prone

Even though my triggers are better, the fear of abandonment can still cause me to flood with emotion, shutting down all hope of rational thought for a time. And when I’m flooded, I tend to retreat. Shut down.

—–

I used to avoid expressing my feelings out of a fear of confrontation. A worry that displeasure would immediately translate to rejection.

I’ve come a long way on that fear, no longer nervous about speaking up.

And I thought that was enough. That courage to speak meant that I would speak when needed.

And I’m having to accept that there is more to it than that. And that even though I’m no longer afraid, I’m still not where I want to be.

I need to learn to get better at identifying what emotions are merely the death throws of a dying trigger (and are best ignored) and which ones are the cries of an injured heart (and need expressing).

I need to get better at not allowing my analytical brain to create spreadsheets of data without at least alerting the other that there is processing going on.

I need to get better at speaking up instead of building up.

At sharing my truth before biting my tongue for so long that we both end up bloody and raw.

I’m good with restraint.

Time to become better with release.

Facing Divorce? Here’s What You NEED to Know

Posted on December 31, 2015March 8, 2024 by stilllearning2b

Is divorce in your future? Here’s what you need to know!

Your brain won’t work right for a while. You’ll fear that the affected thinking is permanent. It’s not. But invest in notepads in the meantime because you’ll need to write everything down. Your brain is sluggish because it is recovering from a TLI – Traumatic Life Injury. It will get better.
When you see seemingly happy families or couples, you’ll experience jealousy like you’ve never imagined, your brain throwing toddler-like temper tantrums of, “It’s not fair.” Sometimes it’s easiest to give them a little distance until your envy fades. And in the meantime, watch or read about people that have it worse than you.
Your body will change. You may gain or lose weight, depending upon your personal dietary response to stress. Wrinkles and gray hairs may suddenly appear or increase in number. You will catch every cold and digestion will be impaired. Protect your sleep, eat your veggies and buy a new belt.
At some point, you will have a sexual dream or fantasy about your ex. And you will go from feeling both titillated and comfortable to being repulsed and unsure. You will wonder how you ever found him or her attractive. Take a lesson from preteens and develop safe crushes and fantasies on famous people. It helps to reassure you that you’re not dead while protecting you from fantasizing about your ex or encouraging you to get between the sheets with another before you’re ready. And the first time you do engage with a new partner? You’ll feel like you’re cheating.
You will be memory slammed. And it will happen just when you feel as though you’ve made progress and when your mind is other places. And it will feel as though you’ve caught a bowling ball launched by Babe Ruth with your gut. Keep breathing. It will fade.
The court process will be worse than you ever imagined. But at the same time, it will be much less important than you believe. You will give the paperwork and the process too much power over you. And you will only realize that misappropriation of significance after it’s over.
Your brain will become your worst enemy, offering up, “What ifs” and rudely bringing up painful memories just as you’re trying to get your sh*t together. You don’t have to indulge its every whim. Try exhausting it or distracting it, much like you would with an unruly toddler.
You will experience a false dawn, a period where you feel excited and “over it.” And you will be angry when others caution you that it’s too soon. As much as you want them to be wrong, you will soon learn that they are right, when you come crashing down again. Even though this respite is brief, let it fill you with hope.
Over time, you will start to see the person you were before the divorce as a separate entity. A different person. A foreign person. You will speak of your life in two chapters – before and after. And as you move further into your new chapter, the pain of the old begins to fade.
As the immediate emotions of fear and anger and despair begin to soften, frustration will move in. You will feel stuck and wonder why you can’t just be done with it already. You will feel embarrassed that you’re still struggling, believing that you should be done by now. Sometimes this is harder than the initial pain because your rational brain is being held hostage and is fighting against the restraints. Escape takes time. Stay with it.
You will be okay. I promise:)