How to Stop Feeling Sorry For Yourself (and Start Feeling Better) After Divorce

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Do you relate to any of these feelings after divorce?

“It’s not fair that my family has been torn apart!”

“This sucks! I hate having to start over at this stage of my life.”

“My ex seems to be doing just fine. Why am I having such a hard time of this?”

“Nobody else gets this. They haven’t had to deal with the stuff I’ve been dealt.”

I felt all of those and more during those first dark months. There were many days that seemed hopeless and the lonely nights stretched into eternity.

To the public, I put on a hopeful face. While behind closed doors, I threw myself quite the pity party after my ex husband cheated and then left the marriage.

The theme of the shindig was simple – innocent woman victimized by malicious husband. I resisted mailing out invitations, yet I encouraged others to attend by sharing the sordid details of what he did to me. The playlist featured various versions of, “It’s not fair,” stuck on repeat. The space was decorated with reminders of my former life, strewn about like fetid petals clinging to the floor.

This pity party went on for far too long, until its motif grew dull and everyone, including me, tired of its lack of momentum. And more than anything else, I became tired of feeling sorry for myself. And so I decided to crash my own pity party.

I found the following techniques helpful to stop feeling sorry for myself after divorce:

1 –  Fire the victim and hire the hero.

In the beginning, I focused on what was done to me. I was the object of the actions, the victim. Eventually, I grew weary of that role. After all, it really is quite limiting. I made the decision to fire the victim and hire the hero, taking charge of my own life from that point forward. This reframing of your role has to come before you can begin to make changes in your situation.

2 –  Depersonalize the situation.

Part of my “poor me” came from my early belief that my once-loving husband had somehow morphed into some malevolent creature worthy of a Marvel feature. I saw him as the weapon and me as the target. With some time and consideration, I began to realize that his actions had little to do with me. I just happened to be in the way. It still stinks to realize that you’re collateral damage, but it’s easier than accepting that you’re the hapless prey.

3  – Put it in perspective.

Even to this day, when I reflect upon my divorce, I have a tendency to be overdramatic and claim that I lost everything. Yet even though it felt like all was gone, that wasn’t quite true. I still had family, friends, career and hope that I could rebuild again. Resist the temptation to sensationalize what happened. The dry facts are often much easier to swallow.

4 – Use anger as fuel to motivate action.

“It’s not fair!” became my go-to phrase. And it was accurate. It wasn’t fair. But it was the reality. So I bundled up all of that rage about the unjustness of it all and I used it as energy to write my story and to make changes in my new life. Instead of wasting the energy of the anger on your ex or your divorce, try funneling it into the creation of something better. Even if you have a, “I’ll show them!” attitude while doing it.

5 – Edit your personal narrative.

I used to say, “I was abandoned” when speaking about my divorce. And with every repetition of that phrase, I felt even more discarded. Once I realized that I was self-inflicting further trauma with my words, I shifted to, “My ex left,” which left me feeling much better. The words we say to others have influence. The words we say to ourselves have power. Be intentional with the words and phrases you repeat to yourself.

6 – Avoid pity party attendees.

Living in the South, I probably heard, “Well, bless your little heart” dozens of times a day during my divorce. At first, I accepted those words and the pitying embraces that accompanied them. I felt comforted. Validated. But then as I started to find my voice and embrace my inner hero, those words began to chafe. At some point, those that continue to pity you will begin to hold you back. Avoid them and instead seek out those who inspire you.

7 – Remind yourself that it could be worse.

My ex left me holding the debt he incurred while building his other life (and while courting his other wife). As I made those painful payments every month, I reminded myself that at least I could pay off that balance, even if it meant living lean for a few years. Whether considering your own situation or comparing it with others, remember that it could always be worse than it is. And be thankful that it’s not.

8 – Keep a daily gratitude journal.

My journal was my savior that first year. It didn’t judge my anger, censor my pain or question my fears. But perhaps its most important role was to help train me in the art of gratitude as I made an effort to consider something I was thankful for each day. It’s hard to feel sorry for yourself when you’re busy being grateful. Whether on paper or on an app, try jotting down one to two things you’re thankful for every day.

9 – Ban the words, “I wish” and “Why me?”

I spent some time wanting things to be different, falling down a rabbit hole of “how?,” “why?” and “I wish.” Every time I indulged those words, I felt worse. Hopeless, even. Those were thoughts anchored in hopes. Instead, I replaced them with views leading to action – “I can,” “I will” and “I have.” By making this switch, you shifting your focus from what happened in the past to what you can control in the future.

10 – Call in reinforcements.

Of all of the people in my life during the divorce, surprisingly the policeman who arrested my husband became one of the most important. As an officer, he had seen it all and so he was largely immune to the shock of my situation (although he still says it’s the story he tells the most!). His matter-of-factness and lack of effusive sympathy was exactly what I needed. Seek out people who help lift you out of feeling sorry for yourself through a combination of encouragement and butt-kicking. It may not always feel great in the moment, but it will pay dividends later.

11 – Build your confidence.

Part of my self-pity was anchored in a feeling of weakness and apprehension. I felt small and broken, impotent against insurmountable odds. So I started to challenge myself, to build my strength, baby step by baby step. I faced my fears – the small ones at first – and tested my beliefs about my limitations. Self-pity thrives on unease and frailty. As you begin to build your confidence, you starve out pity.

12 – Learn from fictional heroes.

I became obsessed with the True Blood books during my divorce. Not only was the series light and easy to follow, I envied Sookie Stackhouse’s can-do attitude no matter what disasters befell her. I even found myself thinking WWSD (What Would Sookie Do?) throughout the difficult days. Find a particular character that embodies who you want to be and channel their energy on the days when you don’t feel strong enough on your own.

13 – Consider the role model you want to be.

I remember looking out at my class of eighth graders one day as the court date for my divorce rapidly approached. I was scared. Frightened of what would happen. Anxious about what would come next. And then I looked at those kids, who were looking to me as a role model. And I decided that I wanted to show them courage and perseverance, not fear and self-pity. Who are you a role model for in your life? What do you want to teach them by your reactions?

14 – Replace pity with compassion.

Part of my pity party was a cry for compassion, both from myself and others. I wanted the pain to be heard. To be recognized. With pity, the pain is nurtured whereas with compassion, the pain is acknowledged and then the person is nurtured. Compassion accepts the suffering and also advocates the overcoming of it.

15 – Fake it until you make it.

At work, I spoke confidently about my plans for my future. With my friends, I expressed unbridled interest in dating. Yet at home, once the sun went down and I was in the safety of my bed, I still wondered why I had to endure this. And the strangest thing began to happen. The more I practiced the brave, “I got this” face, the more I began to believe it. And as my faith in myself fueled my progress, I began to experience surprise when people expressed pity for what happened.

Because at some point, the worst thing that had ever happened had become a turning point that led to the best days of my life.

The best way to stop feeling sorry for yourself is to create a life that you love.

10 Things People Who Thrive After Divorce DON’T Do!

Posted on by stilllearning2b

We’re accustomed to hearing information and advice about what we should do after divorce. But what about those things that are better avoided if we want to eventually find or create a better life after divorce? Here are ten things that people that thrive don’tdo:

1 – People who thrive after divorce refuse to pretend they’re okay.

 

It’s partly a knee-jerk reaction and partly an effort to present our best selves to the world when we respond to “How are you?” with “Fine.” Sometimes, perhaps most of the time, this response is sufficient and mostly accurate. Divorce is not one of those times.

During divorce, most of us experience the extremes of emotions all tumbling within our bruised hearts at any given moment. And it’s easier to say, “Fine.” than to admit to the paralyzing fear that we will never find love again. It’s less scary to pretend to be okay than to confront the fear that we’re really not coping very well. In a time when our esteem has already taken a beating, we want to appear as confident and capable. Even if it’s just an illusion.

Pretending to be okay often feels like you’re doing others a favor. Yet you’re protecting them at the expense of yourself. The problem with pretending to be okay is that it prevents you from receiving the help you may need and the limited vulnerability promotes loneliness as you avoid true intimacy with others.

Those who thrive will admit to themselves and others when they’re not okay. They will give themselves the time and space to heal and they will accept assistance from others. Becoming okay often begins by accepting when you’re not.

Playing Make-Believe With Your Healing Progress

 

2 – People who thrive after divorce don’t take themselves too seriously.

 

Divorce is serious business. It has a significant and powerful effect on those affected, from a loss of vitality and financial security to difficulty functioning and the stress of major loss and transition. It requires consistent effort and attention and money to survive the shift from married to single.  And it’s easy to become overburdened with the responsibilities or to become consumed with the impact the split will have on the children.

Those who thrive after divorce don’t neglect their duties or minimize the consequences of the end of the marriage, yet they also manage to find the comedy within the tragedy. Whether by taking advantage of a lighthearted moment or using dark humor to poke fun at a horrific situation, they allow the smiles to shine alongside their tears.

Humor not only allows for play and respite, refraining from taking yourself too seriously also helps you to forgive yourself for your stumbles and missteps as you’re learning how to be in this new and topsy-turvy world. When you can laugh at yourself, it’s a great reminder that you have the power to interpret what happens to you.

 

3 – People who thrive after divorce don’t follow rigid rules.

 

“Don’t date for at least a year after divorce.”

“You should always try for mediation instead of going to court.”

“Never talk about your divorce at work.”

It seems the rules for how we are “supposed” to manage life after divorce are endless. There are rigid social guidelines for everything from how to leave your spouse to how (and when) to meet the next one. Some of the advice is good, some of it excellent. Much of it comes from years of experience and even research.

Yet none of that matters if the advice isn’t right for you.

Many of us seek guidance after divorce. Lost, confused and overwhelmed, we’re looking for somebody to tell us exactly what to do and what steps to take to make it through. It’s great to learn from others and gain from the shared wisdom of experience. And it’s even better when you process that advice through your own beliefs and needs and shape it into something that makes sense for you.

Those that thrive after divorce are open to counsel, yet they refuse to follow rules just for the sake of following rules. They listen, they learn, they reflect and then they do what feels right for them.

 

4 – People who thrive after divorce refrain from becoming bound by their revenge fantasies.

 

Some ex-spouses are pretty terrible people or at least they behave in some terrible ways before, during and after divorce. And when we’re hurt, it’s tempting to strike back in anger and frustration. The mind becomes a fertile playground for revenge fantasies suitable for a Hollywood script.

The mental vengeance can feel purgative and empowering, restoring a sense of balance and fairness while releasing some of the vitriol. We want the ex to suffer so that they can know the pain they inflicted on us. We want them to be miserable because it seems a fitting consequence for their malevolence. We scan their pictures with their new partner looking for signs of unhappiness or carefully dissect their words looking for cracks in the happy façade.

Those who thrive after divorce are certainly no saints. Their minds still entertain these dark and vindictive thoughts. Yet they refrain from getting too caught up in their need for revenge or their desire to see consequences fall upon their ex.

The thrivers understand that by giving too space to these negative thoughts, they are preventing themselves from moving forward. Instead of worrying about what their ex is doing, they strive to turn their energy towards creating a life that they enjoy.

How to Move Forward When You Still Want Revenge

 

5- People who thrive after divorce avoid leaving their divorce unframed.

 

When divorce happens, it often feels messy and unrestrained. It presents as the disruption of everything normal and a destroyer of lives. It may have felt inevitable like a slowly rising tide or it may have presented as a tsunami, wiping out your life in a single catastrophic event.

Regardless of the presentation, your early efforts are focused on survival. On simply making it through the one day and onto the next. It’s tempting to refrain from looking back upon the destruction of the divorce.

Yet that’s exactly what those who thrive do. After they’ve made it through the survival stage, the thrivers consider the entire divorce experience and decide what purpose it will serve in their lives. They take that catastrophe and they frame it as an experience that has allowed them to learn, to grow or to help others. They find the purpose within the pain and surround their experience with gratitude for its unexpected gifts.

 

6 – People who thrive after divorce refuse to turn their narrative into a reality show.

 

In the world of television drama, conflict is celebrated, everyone is forced into a narrow mold of “hero” or “villain” and stories follow predictable arcs towards resolution.

Life is not television.

We have become so accustomed to fictional and manipulated narratives that we often expect our lives to follow a similar path. We focus on the sordid details, welcoming the excitement and drama even as we realize that it makes us feel ill in the process. We all-too-easily cast our exes (and maybe their new partners) as narcissists or monsters. And we expect that life should be a series of events worthy of airtime.

Instead of seeking drama, those that thrive after divorce avoid the secret thrill that comes from digging into the dirt because they are well-aware of the negative aftereffects. They recognize that their ex is human and fallible and so are they. Resolution is viewed less as, “The end” and more as “The next step.” In place of stirring up drama, they strive to find a place of detached compassion.

 

7 – People who thrive after divorce don’t treat their children as pawns or victims.

 

It can be tempting to use the children as an implement of control or power when your ex is being difficult or unreasonable. Within the court system, the kids are often treated like the fake rabbits used in dog racing, so that the parents keep shoveling money into their respective attorney’s pockets. In the worst of cases, one parent badmouths the other in front of the kids in an attempt to win favor and turn the children against their parent.

On the other end of the spectrum, some families focus so much on the effect that the divorce has on the children that they unintentionally promote a feeling of victimhood in their offspring. The kids begin to feel as though they are broken and need to be protected. The parents, feeling guilty, overindulge and overprotect their kids.

In thriving families, the impact on the kids is mitigated wherever possible and it is also not magnified. The children are allowed to express their feelings and are also encouraged to not be limited by them. Those that thrive help their kids without enabling them and they accept the impact of the divorce without marinating in guilt.

 

8 – People who thrive after divorce abstain from catastrophizing a bad day.

 

During divorce, we are often living on the razor edge of a breakdown and it doesn’t take much to push us off the narrow edge of getting by and being okay-ish. Those are the bad days, when the brunt of responsibility collides with a lack of rest and the seemingly insurmountable weight of grief.

Those who thrive experience those bad days just as frequently as anyone else. They have those moments when it all feels impossible and nothing seems like it’s working in their favor. The difference is in the narrative surrounding the misery. People who are struggling often generalize their unhappiness, allowing a “bad day” to become a “bad life” like a newly-dyed burgundy sheet transferring its pigment to the rest of the laundry.

In contrast, those who thrive create boundaries around the terrible times. They may whither under the gloom of a bad day, but they also know that tomorrow may again bring the sun. They use language to communicate these walls, avoiding all-encompassing words such as “always” and “never” and clarifying that the current misery, no matter how bad, is always transitory.

 

9 – People who thrive after divorce refrain from making the divorce the most important thing in their life.

 

The stress of divorce is ranked as higher than that of imprisonment, major injury and even the loss of a family member. There is no doubt that divorce is a major event in one’s life, a dividing line between “before” and “after.”

Divorce changes you. Its tears wash away any remaining naiveté you carried into adulthood. It forces you to summon courage you never knew you had and to face fears that always seemed too big to name. It allows doubt to creep in and makes you accept the harder truths of life and its inevitable loss.

Without a doubt, divorce has a major influence on you.

Yet it does not have to define you.

Those that thrive see their divorces as one of a series of events that have shaped them, helped them grow. They acknowledge its impact. Yet they also refuse to build a shrine around it, elevating its importance.

The thrivers live with their eulogies in mind – focusing more on their life purpose and their lasting impact than on the series of milestones they have moved through.

 

10 – People who thrive after divorce don’t give up.

 

Even those that thrive don’t thrive every day.

They just refuse to give up.

Not Every Day is a Good Day. Show Up Anyway. 

Are you struggling to thrive after divorce?

Check out my comprehensive Thriving After Divorce course on Udemy. 

See what others are saying about the course:

Give yourself the gift of moving on. You’re worth it!

Strategies to Override Negative Thoughts After Divorce

Posted on by stilllearning2b

It is completely normal to be plagued with negative thoughts during and after divorce. It’s a challenging time where you’re facing loss and uncertainty and your prior coping strategies may not be quite up to the task. Here are some actionable strategies that you can employ if you’re struggling with any of these common negative thought spirals after divorce:

Negative Thought – “I’m not good enough.”

This negative thought can arise from any divorce, especially since the end of a marriage often brings with it a sense of failure. It is especially common when there was infidelity or abandonment, as those actions are easily internalized.

If you’re struggling with feeling like you are not enough, try some of the following:

  • Gather up old letters, cards, emails, texts, etc. from people who love and care about you. Assemble these into a “smile file” (this can be tangible or digital) and set aside a few minutes a day to look at it to remind yourself of what others see in you even when you’re having trouble seeing it in yourself.
  • Build up your physical strength or endurance. The interaction between the mind and body is completely amazing. When you begin to feel the strength and capability in your body, you will also begin to believe in your mind.
  • If your ex’s voice is in your head saying negative things about you, take pen to paper (or fingers to keyboard) and refute each and every one of their claims about you. This exercise can help to remove the power that their words have over you.
  • Volunteer. Time spent giving back to others is also time that you’re out of your own head. Additionally, you’ll benefit from seeing the positive impact that you can have on others.
  • Limit your social media exposure. It has a way of bringing anyone down.


Negative Thought – “I wish things could be different.”

This is a persistent negative thought for many people. Some wish they could go back to the way things were (or at least the way they thought things were). Others direct their energy towards trying to get their ex to act or respond differently (which is a frustrating and ultimately fruitless exercise).

If you are ruminating on the past or wasting energy trying to change your situation, try some of the following:

  • Start a daily gratitude practice. I like to use an app for this purpose, but you can also use a journal or even an audio or video recording. These can be brief (1-3 things each day) and simple. They are a powerful reminder that even though you’re dealing with unwanted change, there is still good in your life. And whatever you nurture, grows.
  • Take a piece of paper. Divide it into two sections and label them “Things I CAN change” and “Things I CAN”T change.” Then, brainstorm at least 5-6 entries for each. Commit to spending your energy only on the items in the first column.
  • If you have a tendency to reach out to your ex when you shouldn’t, make it more difficult to contact them. Remove their number from your phone. Block them. Lock your phone in your car when during those periods when you’re more vulnerable.

Negative Thought – “I can’t move on without closure.”

The search for closure keeps many people stuck after divorce. We tell ourselves that we need resolution and answers before we can let go and move on. Yet often, those wished-for accountabilities never appear.

If you’re having trouble accepting a lack of closure, try some of the following:

  • Start a journal. Focus your entries on those questions that are still haunting you. Explore some likely explanations. Keep going until you land on something that feels like truth. Once you find it, accept it in.
  • Create your own closure ceremony. Perhaps you burn old photographs or repurpose your wedding dress. Take something that had meaning in your old life and metaphorically (or literally) bury it.
  • Complete this sentence, “Because this happened, I have learned…” Once you can identify what you have learned from an experience, you have moved forward from that experience. The lesson IS the closure.

Negative Thought – “I’ll never be happy again.”

Divorce can be a heavy, dark cloud obscuring any hope for happiness. It’s easy to buy into “the good old days” and assume that the upcoming moments will continue to be bathed in darkness.

If you’re mourning the loss of the life you had and wondering if you can ever be happy again, try some of these:

  • Spend time in nature. It has an amazing way of reminding us that death and renewal are natural cycles. Marvel at the new growth fed by the decaying matter. Delight in the sliver of sunlight peeking through the clouds. Soak it in. All of it.
  • Set yourself up for laughter. Go see live comedy (even if you’re by yourself). Rewatch your favorite funny movies from your youth. Try puppy yoga (seriously, it’s impossible to keep a stoic demeanor). If you prime the pump for levity in these small ways, you’re setting the stage for something bigger.
  • Schedule smiles. Put one small thing on your calendar every week that you look forward to. Every 1-3 months, schedule something bigger that you enjoy. Don’t allow yourself to talk yourself out of these. It’s easy to get caught up in the, “I won’t have without my partner.” But that sentiment is only true if you allow yourself to believe it.
  • Have conversations with an elderly person who has a positive outlook. Ask about their experiences. Most likely, they have endured several upheavals in their life that they worried they wouldn’t recover from. And yet they did.
  • Write down the expectations you had for your life that you now fear are gone. Analyze them. How many are TRULY out of the realm of possibility now? I bet it’s fewer than you thought.

Negative Thought – “Why did this happen to me?”

When life throws curves that cause us to careen off course, we often wonder what we did to deserve such fate. It feels unfair as blows reign down on our unsuspecting frame.

If you’re feeling victimized or consumed by thoughts of rumination and self-pity, try some of the following:

  • Read either fiction or memoir that features people overcoming obstacles. Not only is it motivating, it helps to remind you that bad stuff happens to good people all the time and that people often overcome great obstacles to become great.
  • Identify a way that you can create some purpose from the pain. Can you reach out and help others that are experiencing similar? Are you able to apply your knowledge and skills to assist people that are also facing this situation? Maybe your gift comes with an artistic bent, using this to fuel your creative endeavors.
  • List your particular traits that make you better able to handle this situation than somebody else. Are you a good problem-solver? Maybe you’re amazing at networking and bringing people together. Whatever your strengths, focus on how they can help you now.
  • Occupy your mind. An idea mind often wanders to the past and gets lost there. Put structure in your days to limit your down time. Add activities that keep you busy and keep you moving.

Negative Thought – “This is too overwhelming.”

Moving on from the pain of divorce and rebuilding a new life are huge undertakings. If we had the means, I’m sure we would all love to hire an entire team to help. But more often than not, we’re left to do it alone.

If you’re feeling paralyzed by the sheer enormity of the challenges in front of you, try some of the following:

  • Identify a very small step that you can take immediately. And then, before you have a chance to overthink it, act on it. Inertia is a powerful force, yet it only takes the smallest nudge to upset it.
  • Channel your stubbornness and determination. Find a picture of you that represents your inner strength to you. Put it where you can see it along with a promise that you WILL recapture that spirit again.
  • Create accountability in your life. Enlist technology to remind you to tackle the small tasks and friends to ask if they have been crossed off the list.
  • Link things that you have to do with things that you want to do. Make all the calls to your lawyer with your favorite cup of coffee in your hand or only wear your favorite socks when you’re on your intended walks.
  • Create a doable, but challenging goal for yourself. There is great power in a finish line as it provides both a needed distraction and the motivation to keep moving.

Five Surprising Upsides to Being Cheated On

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Nobody needs to tell you about the pain of being cheated on. You’re living that every moment.

Instead, I want you to know about the silver linings that can be found amidst the ruins of the betrayal.

 

The Power in Applying “The Four Agreements” to Divorce

Posted on by stilllearning2b
four agreements divorce

As a homework assignment for my recent girl’s weekend, I was asked to read The Four Agreements. I was fully willing, but somewhat skeptical, since as the only child of a counselor, I was raised on a steady diet of self-help. I think I overdosed.

After the first few pages, my skepticism was replaced with excitement and understanding. This was one book that made sense to me.

The premise is simple: four agreements that, if followed, will change your life. The book is short and the agreements are extremely simple but nowhere near easy. They are applicable to every area of life and manage to be general and still useful all at once. They are interconnected; one always leads to another.

As part of my own work with The Four Agreements, I am drilling down and applying them to various areas of life. I’ve already explored The Four Agreements in Marriageand The Four Agreements in Wellness. Those were easy applications. After all, those are areas where your intention is to be honest and want to be your best. Now, for the hard one – The Four Agreements in divorce. How can these covenants help you navigate such an awful time with more dignity and awareness? Can these promises actually hold true while in midst of a life disintegration? Can they help to provide support and focus intention in those darkest of days?

I think they can.

The dictionary lists “acceptance” as one of the synonyms of “agreements.” Perhaps that is a better approach when it comes to divorce. After all, you may not agree with the divorce, you most likely do not agree with your spouse or ex spouse and you certainly don’t agree with the courts. But you still have to accept it if you wish to find peace. So, bad grammar aside, here are the four acceptances of divorce:

 

Be Impeccable With Your Word

“I can be impeccable with my word. He/she is a #$%@! Did you hear the latest?”

I think we have all been there. Refraining from badmouthing your soon to be ex is a daunting task. He or she may appear to have morphed into some cartoon villain, fiendishly planning attacks while safe in his or her secluded lair. You feel justified in your verbal besieges; after all, you’re just responding to the volleys thrown at you.

But step back a moment. Where are your utterances really coming from? You’re hurt and speaking out to try to distance from the pain. You’re scared and trying to armor yourself with words. You’re angry and slinging insult-trimmed arrows. You’re sad and seeking comfort from others.

Are your words really about your ex? Or are they about you?

Is it more impeccable to say,

“I’m frightened. I haven’t been alone in a long time and I don’t know if I can do it. I’m scared that I won’t be able to be a good parent for the kids. I’m worried that I can’t be strong enough for them.”

or

“My ex is such a terrible parent. Every little things is a battle. I don’t even think he/she thinks about the kids, much less wants to be there for them.” ?

This acceptance was extremely difficult for me. I felt justified in my anger and outrage and I needed to express it. I felt like he had stolen my voice by refusing to talk, so I screamed instead. I poured pages of vitriol into my journal, I sent him scathing emails and I cursed him to others.

But on some level, I knew that, while purgative, those strategies were limiting. When I painted him as the villain, I cast myself as the victim.

To release my bindings, I had to release him as well.

Do not expect perfection of yourself with the acceptance. You will be disappointed. Rather, keep it in mind and strive to express what you’re feeling underneath the chaos of the split. Try to avoid blaming, either yourself or your ex. Try to accept the entirety of your ex, from the person you loved to the one you no longer know. Speak to them both.

Related: The Blame Game

Don’t Take it Personally

I hadn’t read the book yet, but this little acceptance changed my life. When I embraced this message, I began to forgive and to release the anger. Before that point, I saw him as deliberately working to destroy me. On some level, I pictured him plotting in his basement office, stroking the soul patch on his chin,

“Let’s see… I’ve already maxed out this card. Hmmm…I know! I’ll use the one in her name so that she has to deal with it later. Okay, now that the financial ruin has been planned, what else can I do? Well, obviously, an affair would be upsetting. Now, where can I find a willing woman? Oh, and at some point, I’ll have to leave her – yeah, that will really destroy her! What would be the worst? In person? Phone call? Letter? Sticky note? Skywriting? I know! I’ll do it with a text message. She’ll never see that coming!”

Pretty crazy, huh? I was taking it personally. In reality, he was not thinking of my well-being any more than I considered his during the divorce. Once I realized that his decisions and actions were about him, not me, I could stop reacting defensively and start seeing more rationally. He was hurting too.

It is difficult in a divorce to not take things personally. After all, you two were a partnership, a team, and now your partner has been recast as your adversary. It’s a wake-up call to realize how individual we really are. You were married to each other, yet you each experienced the marriage through your own experiences and perceptions. We can have empathy for another yet we have to take responsibility for ourselves.

Our egos take a beating in divorce. They perceive any attack as directed and they try to fight back. Put down the gloves and accept that the ego is simply protesting, much like a child throwing a tantrum. Let it cry. Let it scream. And then wipe its tears.

Related:Pardon Me, Ego. I Need to Get Through

Don’t Make Assumptions

Divorce is a time of great unknowns. Our brains hate the unknown, those gaps in the narrative. They strive to fill in the missing pieces. The medium used? Assumptions.

We assume we know why our ex is acting a certain way. We assume we know how he or she will respond. We assume that their actions and words accurately reflect their beliefs (as though they are impeccable when we are not).

We respond to assumptions rather than reality, building an entire relationship based upon an ever-weakening foundation of expectations.

We reach conclusions before we listen. We anticipate before we observe. We expect instead of accept.

Assumptions are a surefire way of maintaining your suffering. You are all but guaranteed to be hurt and disappointed when you live off expectations. This is yet another way that we can keep ourselves in the no-responsibility victim role, as we can see our hopes dashed again and again.

A divorce begins with letting go of the assumption that your marriage would last forever. The pain of the divorce will continue as long as you hold on to your other expectations. There is peace in letting go.

Related: Quitting vs. Letting Go

Always Do Your Best

Be gentle with yourself. You have suffered a great loss.

Be patient with yourself. It takes time to heal.

Be loving with yourself. You are deserving.

Be kind to yourself. You are not your mistakes.

Be firm with yourself. Always strive to do better.

…and recognize that your ex is probably doing his or her best as well.

Accept.

 

originally published in 2013