Are You Writing Your To-Be List?

Posted on by stilllearning2b

I would wager that barely a day goes by where you are not at least partially driven by a to-do list. Whether scribbled on a slip of paper, stored neatly in your phone’s database or merely a memorized inventory of all that you need to accomplish, you move from one task to another. As you cross each item off the list – laundry, gym, phone call to the bank – you feel a sense of accomplishment. But all too often, that feeling of achievement is short-lived as you look back down at the ever-growing list of tasks that need attending.

 

To-do lists are important. They keep us organized and productive. They help to maximize our time and ensure that necessary items are addressed.

 

To-do lists are important.

 

But they are not everything.

 

Because we are so much more than simply the tasks we accomplish. Our value is found more in who we are than in how much we can cross off in a day.

 

I used to be the self-appointed queen of the to-do list. I had them at work. I had them for home. I even had them for down time. I would hurry through each task so that I could cross it off and start the next. I got quite a bit accomplished in those years. But at quite a cost.

 

As I was busy with my to-do lists, I neglected the most important matters in life.

 

I forgot to be.

 

I was merely hopping from one duty to another without much time to pause or even be present with the task at hand. My body would be engaged in one chore while my mind would be planning the next. I would run myself ragged until at some point, I would simply collapse from exhaustion. It was no way to live.

 

It took quite a wake-up call to pull me away from the security of my to-do lists – a 16-year marriage that ended with a cold and callous text message. When those few words appeared on my phone’s LCD display, I lost everything that held meaning in my life.

 

Including the to-do lists. It no longer seemed important to make sure that all of the test papers were graded by the next day. It was no longer critical to wash dishes as soon as they were sullied and a coffee date with a friend took precedence over getting the laundry done.

 

My priorities shifted from getting through to building relationships and appreciating the moment. I learned to balance the need to “do” with the experience of being.

 

Being present.

 

Being patient.

 

Being grateful.

 

Being peaceful.

 

Being joyous.

 

Being loving and being loved.

 

Being mindful and in the moment.

 

I crafted a “to-be” list and posted it next to my computer – a reminder of what is truly important in life. It’s a different type of list; the items are never meant to be crossed off and completed. And as long as I accomplish what is listed on my to-be list, it is a good day. Even if there are still dishes in the sink.

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The Single Best Thing I’ve Ever Done For My Mental Health

Posted on by stilllearning2b

 

And for my fellow introverts, here’s an open letter to share with the extroverts in your life.

How to Survive “Transplant Shock” After Divorce

Posted on by stilllearning2b
transplant shock

It was a gift, a full and beautiful French hydrangea, with it’s startling blue pom-poms of flowers perched above the simple white wrapping over the pot. I placed it on a counter, where it was out of the reach of the dogs, and for several weeks, I tended to it carefully with the enclosed fertilizer packet and a carefully metered watering schedule. In return, I was awarded with stunning and tenacious blooms for many days.

Then, so slowly that it was hard to notice at first, the plant began to languish. New buds were no longer forming and the ones that held tight were beginning to turn to parchment with age. The leaves, once a deep, leathery green, began to yellow, their pallor hinting at ill health.

At this point, I was a complete neophyte when it came to plant care. So, I turned to the wisdom held on the shelves of my public library combined with the practical advice delivered by a seasoned gardener who was volunteering at the library that day. I learned that the gifted shrub would only survive for a brief period in its small pot but that, luckily, it was suited to the climate found in Atlanta. I was instructed to purchase some planting soil, pick a suitable spot in my yard, and transfer the plant to its new home where, I was assured, it would thrive.

I followed the instructions as I understood them, holding visions of a huge hydrangea soon becoming the stunning focal point of my tired front yard.

Instead, I found myself pulling its skeletal remains from the earth a mere four weeks after planting. In my ignorance and haste, I had failed to adequately protect my charge against transplant shock, and it succumbed to the stress.

Years later, I again thought of that little plant. I, too, had gone from being in full-flower, content in my small world, to suddenly being ripped out and forced into a new – and harsher – environment. In the interim, I had become a competent gardener, successfully transplanting many plants. Now, it was necessary for me to apply that knowledge to myself so that I could survive the transplant shock after divorce.

 

Timing Matters

With plants, it’s best to move them during their more dormant season and when they will not face the additional stress of extreme weather conditions. When it comes to divorce, we may not have the option to make the move at a time when the rest of life is relatively inert, so we have to be mindful of the additional pressures the timing may entail. As much as possible, try to push the pause button on the non-essential demands for the short term, so that you can direct your energies to getting settled in your new space.

 

Be Mindful About Placement

One of the many mistakes I made with my first hydrangea was siting it where it received afternoon sun, a death sentence for this shrub in the south. I almost made a similar mistake with myself, placing myself in an environment – alone in a rental – where I would receive too little social connection. Instead, I resided with a dear friend, where I had the connection and sanctuary I needed. Don’t worry about what others say you’re “supposed” to do or the mental image you’ve held for this life stage, place yourself where you will thrive.

 

Add a Little Bit of the Old

When I moved my little shrub that day, I carefully brushed away as much of the old soil as I could, thinking that it was stale and barren and needed to be replaced with completely new earth. Except that new soil was a huge blow to the struggling roots, with nothing familiar to comfort them, they simply froze from the shock. We’re not that different. When everything is new, we have nothing to rely on as we begin our exploration. Keep some things constant as you move from your old life to the new.

 

Provide Plenty of Water

It turns out that stressed plants need more water. They’ve not yet acclimated to their site, so they’re not yet completely efficient and the growth of new roots requires plenty of moisture. We also have a tendency to need more of the things that sustain us during a period of translate shock. We require more attention, more sleep and more support.

 

Don’t Try to Grow Too Fast

I fell for the advertising. While purchasing the planting soil for my little shrub, I picked up a gardening magazine from the checkout line. A two-page advertisement showed a glorious hedge of hydrangeas with the tagline, “Brought to you by Miracle Grow.” So, of course, I added the fertilizer to my cart and liberally applied to over the next two weeks. It was a huge mistake. I was forcing the plant to put out new stems and leaves while the rootball beneath the soil was still too small to support the new growth. We can easily fall into the same trap after divorce. The deep work, the root work, that we need to do to thrive isn’t fun. It isn’t sexy or beautiful. It’s easy to try to spread out too far, too fast and ignore what anchors us. And, just like the plant, it cannot be supported long term.

 

Loosen the Barriers

I probably killed that plant in fifteen different ways. When I finally removed its remains, I saw evidence of some root growth. To a point. I had made the planting hole too small and the roots had stopped growing once they reached the barrier of the rock-hard Georgia red clay. Sometimes, after divorce, we can find ourselves in a pocket of compassion and intervention and then once the empathy and concern of others begins to fade, we feel as though we’re up against a rock wall of indifference. Strive to integrate those barriers so that support is slowly decreased as you gain your strength.

 

Patience

So many of my mistakes with my little shrub were made out of impatience. I wanted it to be fully grown. Like yesterday. But, as with anything, there are no shortcuts. Instead, it’s a process of trial and error, adaptation and setbacks, and learning from each mistake. Only then, and with time, will the blooms return in full.

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6 Self-Care Tips When You’re Feeling Overwhelmed By Divorce

Posted on by stilllearning2b
overwhelmed

These aren’t magic elixirs that will suddenly make everything okay, but these six strategies can help you cope while divorce seems intent on bringing you down:

 

1 – Limit the Time Spent With People Who Exhaust You

It doesn’t matter if it’s your mother or your neighbor, when you’re feeling flattened by divorce, it’s okay to limit your exposure to people that you find emotionally draining. It’s okay to not answer your phone. It’s okay to come up with an excuse why you can’t make the weekly dinner this Friday. It’s okay to duck behind the couch when the doorbell rings.

Right now, you need to take care of you and if that means keeping others at arm’s length for a time, so be it.

 

2 – Say “No” to Unnecessary Obligations

Maybe you’ve always been the one to organize the neighborhood Halloween party or spearhead the new campaigns at work. Perhaps your friends are accustomed to asking you to help shuttle the children around or you are the family “go to” when discord arises.

Their expectations and your past history do not mean that you have to continue those things. This is a time to pare down, to simplify. Say “no” to those burdens that can be pushed off, ignored or delegated. You’re not helping anyone if you spread yourself so thin that you begin to disappear.

 

3 – Cut Yourself Some Slack

You are not going to operating at your normal levels of functioning right now and that. is. okay. Consider this like recovering from a major illness. You’re not going to go straight from the sick room to the starting line of a marathon. Likewise, don’t expect to leave divorce court and immediately be operating at peak capacity.

This is a perfect time to adjust your expectations. Let some things slide. Prioritize where you spend your energy. And, most importantly, forgive yourself for your mistakes and your shortcomings. You will return to your normal bad-ass self again. In the meantime, it’s okay if you’re just managing to get your ass out of bed.

 

4 – Set Yourself Up For Sleep Success

The hours between sunset and sunrise somehow manage to feel twice as long and three times as lonely when you’re struggling. You can make the nights a little more bearable by priming the pump for a calmer mind. Explore trying vigorous exercise at night to exhaust the body. Try instituting a ban on any divorce or ex-related tasks for the 2-3 hours before you retire. Make sure your bedroom feels like a comfortable space with no visible emotional reminders. Lose yourself in a story by watching, reading or listening before you retire.

If you wake up in the middle of the night and find that your nightmares have traveled with you, make an effort to interrupt your thoughts. Try an engrossing puzzle, take out your journal or even just take a bath or shower to help your mind shift gears.

 

5 – Incorporate Daily Movement

When we’re exhausted, we often think that what we need is to stop. Yet too much time in a still body makes the mind quite the active wanderer. Make a vow with yourself to move every day. Go for a walk before dinner or try some morning yoga. If you like being around people, use this as an excuse to join a team or group exercise class.

On those days when you just don’t feel like it, tell yourself you’re going to give it 5 minutes and that you have permission to stop at that point if you want. More often than not, once you begin moving, you’ll want to keep moving.

 

6 – Ask For Specific Help

People want to help. But first, they need to know that you want help and then, they need to know what sort of assistance they can offer. So tell them. I know it feels weird and maybe even shameful to admit that you can’t do it alone. Yet that’s more an internal dialog than an external truth. After all, when you offer assistance to a friend in a rough patch, are you secretly judging them or are you just happy that there is something you can do?

Ask for what you need, whether it be picking up your dry cleaning to an evening phone call to help keep the loneliness at bay. It’s amazing how freeing just a small bit of help can be when your plate is both overflowing and collapsing.

 

The way you feel right now is not the way you’ll always feel. What works for you today may no longer be appropriate tomorrow. Reevaluate your self-care strategies every 6-8 weeks and be ready to modify them as needed until that day comes when instead of feeling overwhelmed, you’re feeling energized and ready for the next step.

 

6 Encouraging Ways to Take Back Your Power After an Unwanted Divorce

Posted on by stilllearning2b

I’ve never felt so powerless.

I had no money because he had taken it all.

I had no voice because he left with a text and refused any contact.

I had no information because he had taken important files and changed account passwords.

I felt like he called all the shots and I was left with nothing but shrapnel through my heart.

At first, I felt helpless. A victim of his choices and his actions. Wounded and weak.

And then I got angry. Furious that he would and could make decisions without me that had such a devastating impact on my life. Fuming and ruminating.

And finally, I got busy. Learning and working to move beyond his behaviors. Motivated and determined.

It’s not easy to regain a sense of power and control over your own life when you have been the recipient of an unwanted (and perhaps tsunami) divorce.

Here are six encouraging ways that you can take back your life:

Gather Information

Part of what makes an unwanted divorce so scary and leads to a sense of helplessness is a lack of knowledge. When my ex left, I had no information about divorce laws in my state. I didn’t know anything about the legalities of debt and home ownership. I was ignorant about the resources available from the IRS for innocent spouses.

I knew nothing. And, as a result, I feared everything, often catastrophizing every situation.

So I read. I listened. I studied. And I learned.

And with each piece of knowledge, even those that were contrary to my desired answers, I felt just a little bit calmer. A little bit more in control.

Start researching. Learn everything you can. Let knowledge be your shield, your sword and your security blanket. We often avoid what we’re afraid of. But that only makes it worse. Face it and learn about it. Knowledge makes every obstacle a little less daunting.

With an unwanted divorce, you feel as though you’ve been kept in the dark. Which makes accumulating information a great source of power. The more you know, the more options you have.

Brainstorm Options

It’s hard to let go of the life you thought you had. We all get stuck in a track of expectations. When my ex left, I was left stuttering over my future. I kept trying to see how things were going to work out and I kept hitting walls.

Until I realized that I needed to tear down those mental walls that were keeping me enclosed in the remains of the life I had. Instead of trying to stay within the constraints of my former life, I allowed myself to mentally fly beyond.

And I dreamed big. And wide. Some of those options were pretty inconceivable, but I didn’t censor them. I simply explored them in my mind and in my journal.

I composed if…thens… that addressed every possible move I could envision him making. Some were overzealous. Some were absurd. Some were even illegal.

But they all made me feel better.

You cannot control what happens to you, but you can always chose how to respond.

Explore your options. Don’t worry if they seem impossible. Right now, it’s only a mental exercise. Let your imagination carry yourself far beyond your walls.

When divorce happens to you, it’s easy to feel as though a huge roadblock has been plunked down in your life. Which means exploring side paths is a tremendous source of power. The more options you have, the more you can influence.

Create a List

It is easy to focus on the things you cannot control. I remember wishing that I could make him talk to me. Make him accept the help he so obviously needed. Make him admit responsibility and express remorse.

Of course, I could do none of those things.

But that didn’t mean that I was entirely helpless.

I could reach out to friends and family for help. I could find meaning and purpose through those relationships and others. I could start to date again and learn to trust again. I could reevaluate my priorities and restructure my life to fit my goals. I could find a way to transform the pain into a positive movement that could bring comfort to others.

Create a two-sided list. On one side, list all of the things you cannot control. Those are the things to work towards letting go. On the other side, list all of the things within your sphere of influence. No matter how small. Those are the things to focus on cultivating and nurturing.

With unwelcome divorce comes an overabundance of things you cannot control. Which means that enumerating that which you can influence is a great source of power. The more influence you have, the more freedom you gain.

Accumulate Funds

An empty bank account is a great source of vulnerability and impotence. I’ve never felt so small as when I couldn’t even pay for lunch. Although I was fortunate enough to have my own source of income, it was greatly outweighed by the debts he saddled me with.

And that lack of financial freedom and flexibility was a huge source of fear and helplessness.

I vowed to take control of my own finances. Here are the steps I took. And with every dollar of debt paid down or with every penny put into savings, I gained just a little more control over my future.

An uninvited divorce often brings with it a financial crisis. Which means that every step you take towards financial independence brings with it a sense of power. The more freedom you gain, the less dependence you have.

Compose a Letter

The unfairness of it overwhelmed me. I couldn’t wrap my head around the idea that he could cause so much harm and then slip out through the back door like a thief in the night. I had so much to say (okay, scream) to him and I had so much that I thought I needed to hear from him.

I thought my voice was stolen.

And although I couldn’t force him to listen or require him to speak the words I wanted, I could compose them myself. I know it seems a bit silly that writing unseen words can release some of the pain. But it can. I know it seems strange that writing the words that you want to hear can help you soften. But it can. Here are 6 letters to write after divorce. 

It’s an empowering feeling not only taking back your voice, but using it to make yourself better. Don’t wait for somebody else to listen or to speak. You have the words you need to hear and you can express what you need to say.

The words you say to others have influence. The words you say to yourself have power.

With unwanted divorce, the discussion is often left unfinished. Which means that each word you express and release brings with it a sense of power. The less dependence you have, the more space you’ll find.

Practice Mindfulness

In the beginning, I embodied the pain. I couldn’t tell where the agony ended and where I began. I felt like I was at the mercy of my thoughts, triggers unmercifully bringing images and emotions that overwhelmed me on a daily basis.

I tried blocking them out, refusing them entrance. They laughed at my feeble mental barricades. I tried ignoring them, distracting myself through work and dating. They snuck in around the edges, overtaking me like a leak in a canoe.

And finally, I just noticed them. Accepted them. But refused to entertain them. A new meditation practice allowed me to find space between my pain and me. In time, the thoughts grew weaker and I grew stronger.

Find your own form of mediation, of mindfulness. Learn to be in the moment. To be free of judgement. To be aware of your emotions without the need to chase them down.

With divorce, the pain is often pervasive and overwhelming. Which means that as you learn to create space between you and your pain, you find a sense of mastery of your emotions. The more space you find, the more powerful you will be in your own life.