Marking the Occasion

Posted on by stilllearning2b

It’s been quite the month for marking significant events.

Marking the End

My stepfather’s mother passed away last spring and her memorial was earlier this month. It was a sad death, as loss always is, but not a tragic one. She lived a long and meaningful life and this gathering was a wonderful time to both celebrate her memory and to create connections among those who knew her.

It was a beautiful service, anchored by a slideshow that told the story of her long life and of her legacy. Carefully curated songs spoke both of her passion for the arts and of her love of beauty. It was again confirmed that I am physically incapable of hearing Amazing Grace without tearing up.

Young children were present at the memorial, a poignant reminder that life goes on. That endings are always followed by beginnings. And, as stories and pictures were passed down to the younger generations,  that the past leaves an imprint going forward.

 

Marking the Transition

Over a decade ago, my husband met a young kid in the dojo. He was first a karate student who then took up jiu jitsu as soon as he was deemed old enough. This boy grew up in the dojo, eventually becoming a young man who earned the respect of his elders both on and off the mat.

He leaves today for adulthood, trading in his childhood home for an immersive language program overseas. We gathered last weekend – his biological family and his martial arts one – to celebrate his accomplishments and to say goodbye for now.

His parents were proud of their son, who is an amazing kid. They were excited about reclaiming their space, as it’s not easy to live with a young adult who is busting at the seams. And they were sad, feeling the loss of the presence of their only child as he begins his independent life. It was a reminder that all changes have both blessings and struggles and that transition, even when it’s expected and positive, can be hard.

 

Marking a Milestone

This month also marks my fifth wedding anniversary. This one feels especially significant to me. First, it’s now half the length of my first marriage. That somehow holds weight to me. It’s no longer “new.” It’s solid and real.

It’s also been our best year together. We’ve really worked hard at learning and growing and having the difficult conversations. I feel like we’ve navigated some rocky roads and grown closer and more understanding through the process.

In my first marriage, we never marked anniversaries. In this marriage, we do. This weekend, we will again spend a night – for the fourth time – in a swanky hotel downtown. A shared evening without distractions to celebrate us. It’s a reminder that relationships are important and need both attention and intention to thrive.

 

I Was Lucky

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I was lucky. I never spent time in a decaying marriage. The lies that destroyed the relationship protected me for its duration, keeping me cloaked in relative comfort.

I was lucky. I never had to wrestle with the question of should I stay or should I leave? That decision was made for me.

I was lucky. I never had the pain of hoping for or trying for reconciliation. You cannot reconcile with someone who has become a ghost in his own life.

I was lucky. We did not have children. I did not have to see the pain on their faces, nor engage in a battle for them through the courts.

I was lucky. I had a clean, sudden amputation of my life, my marriage. The trauma was near-fatal, but I was left with a clean cut.

I know not all of you are so lucky. You may be deciding if your marriage can be saved. You may be hoping that it can still work out, alternating between hope and despair. You may be subject to painful contact with your ex. You may have to tuck your kids in, wishing you could take their pain away.

Even if your marriage did not end in a sterile amputation, you still have some control over how it heals. Take care to keep the wound clean and expose it to fresh air. Tight bandages may hide the damage for a time, but the wound will only fester when it is kept in the dark. Do not worry at the healing skin. Leave the scabs until they fall off of their own accord; they provide needed protection. Be gentle with the new skin, the new growth, for it is still fragile with its pink-tinged hope. Sooth the wound with the balm of your friends and family, your pets, your passions. And know that the scars only serve to make you even more beautiful.

 

We’ll Get Through This Together

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get through

There are many words that feel amazing to receive:

 

“I love you.”

“I’m proud of you.”

“You are amazing.”

“I appreciate you.”

 

There are times those are the words we need to hear. They let us know that we’re seen, accepted, valued and cared for. These words are the valuable currency of relationships that both build bonds and and help to provide reinforcement against outside assaults.

Yet there is a phrase that can be even more powerful. One that often follows on the heels of difficult news – a death, a diagnosis, a loss, a revelation of a closely held secret. And in those moments, when we’re feeling skinned and bare, shivering in naked fear and uncertainty, the best words we can hear are –

 

“We’ll get through this together.”

 

Those words don’t minimize or project meaningless platitudes. They fall short of promising an optimistic outcome yet they still carry the scent of hope. Instead, the phrase suggests that now will not be always and there is a way through, even if it is not yet known.

And most importantly, those simple words reassure you that you’re not alone. They speak of shoulders ready to accept tears and strong arms prepared to render assistance. With that utterance, you know that you have a safe space where you can break down without concern for appearances or consequences.

It’s amazing how powerful a simple hand can be when it folds over yours during life’s most difficult moments. Sometimes, just having someone there makes the difference between giving up and getting up. The presence of another both gives us a reason to try and the encouragement to try again.

“We’ll get through this together.”

 

Powerful words to hear. And even more powerful words to believe. We are not meant to face these hardships on our own. We’re in this life together. And we’ll make it through together.

Signs You’re Holding On When It’s Time to Let Go

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Letting go is hard.

Damned hard.

I first learned this as a young child, exploring my grandmother’s basement, packed to the ceiling with carefully labeled and organized items as though she was preparing to seek refuge from the apocalypse.

Which, in many ways, she was.

She lived through starvation and disaster on the Dakota prairie that followed the first World War. Later, she experienced the Great Depression and the subsequent war that followed. She felt the burden of providing for three children while also caring for a sister and a husband that faced medical crises.

All of this occurred long before I was born. So I puzzled at the multiples of cans stacked on a windowsill that approximated a grocery shelf when a fully-stocked pantry and fridge occupied the kitchen above. From my perspective as a middle class American kid, the grocery store was a constant. I simply couldn’t understand the need to create an additional level of food security at home even as I could see how deeply the need went within her.

Then my parents divorced. And for the first time in my young life, I felt that overwhelming need to hold on to something – anything – in an attempt to create that sense of security and certainty that I needed to feel safe in the world. In fact, that need was part of what drove my attachment towards my first husband. Sometimes I wish that hindsight could be aimed forwards.

At some point, most of us experience that sense of life pulling the rug from beneath our feet. We reach out. And grab on. 

Only to realize much later that we’re still holding on long after it’s time to let go. 

The following are possible signs that you’re still holding on when perhaps it is time to let go:

The person, object or situation no longer brings you joy or fulfills a purpose.

The first hosta that I planted in my old front yard brought me endless pleasure. I admired its immense green span when I pulled into the driveway and marveled at the unfurling of its new leaves. As the sun intensified over the ensuing weeks, the once-pristine leaves began to brown, turning shriveled and deformed in the face of the sun’s relentless beating. The plant no longer brought me joy. Instead, the sight of the failing foliage brought me guilt and shame and frustration. Even as I refused to admit defeat and replace it with something more suitable.

We all have a tendency to that, to stubbornly hold on to our choices even when we no longer find joy or usefulness with our selection. Life’s too short for placeholders and clutter. If it doesn’t bring joy (to you or someone else) or fulfill a purpose, why continue to hold on?

You show signs of anxiety when you consider letting go that are out of proportion with the actual loss.

Have you ever removed a pacifier, favored toy or security blanket from the hands of young child? Did they act as though you were threatening their very existence? This just goes to show how easily we assign great meaning to things that can be relatively inconsequential.

We use these things – whether people or items – much like first responders use gauze to pack a wound. We stuff them in around the bleeding spaces in an attempt to halt the flow of emotion. Their presence means that we don’t have to examine the wound. And we fear that if we remove them, we will succumb to the underlying injury.

The opportunity cost is beginning to be a burden.

I was in contact with a person who was in an on-again, off-again relationship. They were torn. On the one hand, they were afraid of being alone and were appreciative of the positive aspects of this particular partner. On the other hand, there were significant communication struggles and work that both needed to do to past this. Ultimately, this person decided to move on – literally – because continuing to say “yes” to this relationship meant saying “no” to many exciting opportunities that were presenting themselves.

Whenever you are holding on to one thing, you are preventing yourself from holding on to something else. Are you finding that you have goals that you cannot seem to meet because your attention is still directed towards this other thing? Are your hands too full to pick up what you desire?

You find yourself making excuses and becoming defensive when questioned.

My need for my ex husband was extreme. So extreme that I was not able to face the thought of losing him, much less confront the reality of who he was. I made excuses for his excuses and defended him to myself and others. And the one time someone asked if I was afraid about infidelity while he travelled? Let’s just say that they never tried to bring it up again.

We often feed ourselves the narrative that we’ve made choices and now we have to live with them because it’s easier than facing the fact that maybe we made the wrong choice and we have the power to change it. Denial is powerful and it puts up quite the fight when it feels threatened. As such, when you feel yourself gearing up for a battle when there are no weapons drawn, it’s a sign that you may be grasping onto something that would be better off released.

The fear of the leap is the only thing in your way.

It’s scary to take a leap of faith.

The thought of letting go when you fear that you may plummet seems like a fool’s mission.

Yet if you’re always holding on, you’ll never know what you can reach.

Related: The Danger of Holding On

Let That Sh*t Go!

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The Value of Therapy

Posted on by stilllearning2b
value of therapy

“What is the value of therapy?” the email continues, after the writer has detailed her struggles moving through divorce.

Another message contains the statement, “I’ve been in therapy for years and I’m wondering if it’s working.”

“How do I know if therapy is for me?” implores a man who has been blindsided by his wife’s infidelity.

 

What is the value of therapy?

 

People generally turn to therapy when they are struggling with negative emotions or having trouble processing something in their past or present.  Therapy can serve different purposes depending upon the needs of the person and the specialization of the therapist.

In general, therapy can assume one or more of these roles:

 

Highlighter

It’s hard to see the forest for the trees. Therapists can offer valuable perspective and insight when we’re all-too-easily distracted by the details cluttering up our lives. A skilled therapist can listen to twenty minutes of unloading about a difficult situation and can sum up the core issue(s) in a couple of sentences. Then, once the challenges have been highlighted, you are better able to focus your energy in the areas where you can best effect change.

 

Skill Developer

Many therapies are designed to give people access to a variety of tools that they can then apply on their own in order to improve relationships or personal well-being. A therapist will identify your needs and work with you to develop and practice a variety of coping strategies. As part of this process, you will also learn to recognize the precursors that indicate a need for a particular strategy.

 

Neutral Third Party

Relationships are by definition, emotional. As a result, it can be difficult to work through certain situations within the context of a relationship. The stakes are simply too high to avoid either withdrawal in an attempt to avoid vulnerability or becoming too intense and prompting flooding in the other person. A therapy session offers a safe space and an uninvested third party to work through issues or to practice better communication.

 

Interpretor

What we’re feeling isn’t always an indication of how we feel. As an example, fear often manifests within one or more of these fifteen disguises. Therapists are trained to recognize the emotion behind the presentation. They are adept at naming and describing what you’re feeling. And naming it is often he first step to regaining control over it.

 

Guide

Therapists often act as trail guides. This may be unfamiliar terrain for you, but they have been down this path many times and are familiar with the hazards and the milestones. They will help to prepare you for the upcoming climbs, cheer you on when you become frustrated and will ensure that you don’t stray too far off the path.

 

Affirmer

If you are currently in or were raised in an environment that is abusive or rife with criticism, your therapist can be a vital source of affirmation and acceptance. When you’re feeling cut down, beat down or judges by those around you, therapy can help you see the good within yourself.

 

 

Why might therapy be ineffective?

 

One of the critical factors that makes it difficult to assess the value of therapy is that the results are highly subjective: Do you feel better? Has your functioning improved? Are you having more good moments and fewer bad ones?

And sometimes the answer to those questions is, “No.” The following are some of the reasons that therapy may be ineffective:

 

You waited too long.

You can’t ignore signs of cancer for months and then expect a doctor to immediately cure your stage 4 malignancy. In the same manner, if you have ignored mental health issues for years, there may be limits to what therapy can accomplish. That doesn’t mean that it’s useless, but early intervention often favors better results.

 

You have unrealistic expectations.

No matter how skilled the therapist, they cannot undo the damage caused by a parent’s abandonment. They don’t possess magic wands that can immediately make everything better. If you show up to marriage counseling and you’re spouse has already given up, the therapist can’t force them to change their minds. If your expectations are unrealistic, you will never achieve your goals, therapy or not.

 

You’re seeing the wrong therapist or using the wrong technique for you.

You wouldn’t go to a grill master to learn how to improve your baking, so why go to a therapist who specializes in psychodynamic therapy to learn strategies for dealing with the daily symptoms of anxiety? Before you enter therapy, make sure you know what you’re looking for and that you can communicate those goals to someone who can help you navigate your options.

 

You’re being defensive.

If you’re always looking to defend yourself and/or prove your therapist wrong, you will get nowhere. It’s important to recognize that your therapist is there to help you. And part of that help is challenging your assumptions and ways of interacting. You’re there because you want change and the first step of any transformation is admitting that you can do things differently.

 

You’re not applying the tools.

If the only practice you’re getting with the strategies and skills your therapist is teaching you in in their office, you’re undermining yourself. Changing habits and patterns takes practice. Lots of practice. If you don’t implement what they’re teaching you, your investment is pretty useless.

 

You’re failing to address the underlying issues.

Childhood traumas often present themselves throughout life until we have addressed the initial problem. If you present the current situation to your therapist but neglect to delve into the childhood traumas that primed the pump for your present struggles, your work will have limited success. You have to identify and neutralize the cause.

 

You’re not being honest or transparent.

Your therapist can only work with the material that you give them. If you’re hiding, you are not allowing them to help you. It’s natural to feel ashamed or embarrassed about certain things; however, a therapist’s job is to listen without passing undo judgment. Trust me, they’ve probably heard worse than what you’re holding back. Ultimately, they cannot help you shine light on your problems if you refuse to open the door.

 

Your therapist is retaining the power.

Like with parenting, the role of a therapist is to ultimately put themselves out of a job. Unfortunately, there are therapists out there that like being needed and so they want to ensure that you remain dependent upon them. If you sense that this is your therapists, please look for someone new.

 

Is therapy for you?

 

If you identify with any of the following, therapy may be a good option for you:

 

You’re having suicidal thoughts.

You are having trouble with basic life functions.

Your feelings – sadness, anxiety, anger, etc. – seem overwhelming and difficult to control.

You’re struggling to communicate with somebody in your life.

What you’re trying isn’t working.

You know there’s a problem, but you can’t seem to identify it.

You need a “jump start” to get you on the right track.

You’re feeling isolated and as though you don’t have a strong support system.

You want to increase the tools that you have to deal with life’s challenges.

You’re feeling “stuck” or you are fixated on something in your past.

You want some support and guidance to navigate a life transition (marriage, divorce, death, childbirth, retirement, etc.).

You’re looking for a professional’s opinion on something in your life.

 

Ultimately, therapy is a tool. It can be a valuable opportunity for you to make critical and vital changes to your life or your mindset. Yet, as with any tool, it’s only valuable if it’s the right one for the job and you use it effectively and in a timely manner.