Taming the Monkey Mind: Graduation Day

Posted on by stilllearning2b

This all started with a 28 day meditation challenge.  It has actually been 32 days since I began; I added a few days to make up for the two that I missed during my camping trip.

So, I guess the first question should be if I consider my monkey mind trained after a month of formal education?  I’m not sure if I can claim a fully tamed monkey, but it certainly more well-behaved.  During meditation, my mind still tries to escape to planning mode every few breaths, but I find that I am able to bring it back much easier and almost without thought.  It no longer protests being brought back to breath.  In daily life, my mind is much calmer, less prone to anxiety, and much more aware and present in the moment.  That’s not to say that there aren’t moments where my monkey mind is running about its cage, shrieking and throwing things at the passers by, but luckily for all us, those moments have reduced in frequency.

Just because my monkey-mind has graduated from this program, he is not done with his education.  In fact, this was simply a starting point.  I am going to continue on this journey, me and my monkey mind, with a zen mind, a beginner’s mind.  I have found that I have more curiosity towards the practice of meditation than before.  It draws me now.  I have gone from letting it slip away from me to making it a part of me. I plan (uh oh, there’s that word) to continue daily practice and to experiment with different techniques.  I want to read more on the subject to gain new perspectives and to help put words to what I have already found.  Shhh…please don’t tell my monkey mind that he doesn’t get a summer break; he might get a bit upset.

It’s time to enroll in continuing education.  And the best part?  No student loans required for this course!

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Marriage: I Do or I Don’t?

Posted on by stilllearning2b

A Marriage or Husband and Wife tree.

It seems like as a single, divorced person, marriage is always at the periphery of my thoughts.  Not marriage in the white lace and rehearsal dinner sense, but marriage as a public oath, a declaration of loyalty, a legal bond.  Perhaps surprisingly after the catastrophic end of my first marriage, I am not anti-marriage, but nor am I drawn to it.

Perhaps I have always been a bit ambivalent towards the institution of marriage.  Even with my ex-husband, we felt no real rush to marry and felt no differently once we had.  We had already made that commitment (at that time, at least) to each other; a piece of paper and an embossed seal did not amplify nor alter that connection.

After he left, I knew that I wanted to be in a committed, long-term, monogamous relationship again.  That’s in my bones.  I left it open as far as marriage.  I am nowhere near as conflicted on the topic as Elizabeth Gilbert (the author of Eat, Pray, Love) was in her book, Committed, but I still have my questions as to the place of marriage, in my life and in general.

I think that marriage is a necessity for some due to their religious beliefs.  I have had friends who have been deeply conflicted about their relationships due to the fact that they were not sanctioned by the church.  In this case, marriage serves a dual purpose: validating the relationship in the eyes of the church and helping to alleviate the guilt surrounding the relationship.  This criteria does not apply to me, as I have no religious affiliations.

I am unsure about the value of marriage for parents.  Recently, reports have come out stating that 25% of babies are now born to unmarried couples.  This does cause me some concern, as I see students face stigma at school for having ambiguous parental ties and I think that it is important for kids to have some security in their parent’s bond.  However, I fully believe that it is the right of the couple to decide their path and marriage does not offer the kids any security beyond a title.  Again, this reason for marriage does not apply to me, as I choose to remain childless.

Another reason I could see for marriage is if it was important to one partner, for one of the above reasons or for something different.  In that case, the ambiguous partner may have to compromise to fulfill the needs of the other.  Yet again, this does not apply to me.  My boyfriend, who has never been married, does not feel any great urge to do so.

So, here I am, two years into a cohabitating, committed, monogamous relationship.  No church.  No kids.  No ascot-craving partner.  What does marriage mean to me?  If it was a guarantee against heartbreak, I’d walk that aisle today.  If calling him “husband” rather than “boyfriend” meant that he would never lie or stray, I’d sign up today.  If sliding that ring on my finger meant happily ever after, my hand would not be bare.  But, there are no promises that are unbreakable no matter how many witness the oath.  I have no illusion of protection from the dissolution of a partnership.  I know now that certificate can be torn. I find it strange and somewhat funny that I am more certain of my boyfriend’s fidelity and honesty than I was of my husband’s.  That is what is important.

Regardless of the intent, relationships happen on a day by day basis.  And, today, I choose to be with him and I choose to remain unmarried.  And he chooses the same.  As for tomorrow, only time will tell.

How a Date With a Dog Opened my Heart

Posted on by stilllearning2b

When I first started dating again, I was guarded.  I was ready to date rather quickly, but not quite ready to fully trust or to completely open up to another.  I viewed dating as a fun pastime, an opportunity to do things, get to meet new people, and learn more about myself.  I had no expectations, no goals, and no objectives.  I kept myself at a safe distance by telling my story early (just imagine hearing about a bigamist soon-to-be-ex-husband on a first date!) and informing my date that I was planning on moving to Seattle in a few months.  I let myself be attracted, but I kept my heart in reserve, hiding my vulnerabilities and projecting an aura of self-sufficiency.  I didn’t make it easy to get to know me and I was happy that way.

Until I met this guy.

Who could resist this face?

I had gone out with his owner a couple times.  We had an attraction, but I had (foolishly) chosen to focus on another guy over him.  We kept in touch over the next few weeks,  and when he rescued the world’s most adorable pit bull puppy, he sent me a picture of Tiger via email.  I didn’t think I could fall in love with a dog again after the pain of losing mine.  I was wrong.  That little guy (okay, maybe little isn’t quite the right word!) held nothing in reserve when we met.  He greeted me as though I was his long lost buddy.  He didn’t care what baggage I brought or that I was still learning to trust.  He fully accepted me as I was at that moment.  I didn’t have to protect myself or worry about getting hurt.  I didn’t have to consider if he was truthful or hiding ulterior motives.  All things that would go through my mind on a date.

Tiger wormed his way into my heart over the next few weeks.  I found myself softening, trust building both towards the dog and towards his daddy.  I’m not sure I would be where I am today without Tiger; he was my guide back into love.

A more “mature” Tiger

Over with a Capital O (but apparently Geico didn’t get the message)

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Texting on a qwerty keypad phone

I’ve never fallen in love at first sight, but I sure fell out of love at first sight of the text message my husband of 16 years sent me three years ago.

“I am sorry to be such a coward leaving you this way, but I am leaving you and leaving the state.”

Until that moment, I would have gladly taken a bullet for for him.  After that moment, I wanted to be the one to discharge said bullet.  I never could have imagined that my feelings for him could change so dramatically.  So quickly.  So completely.  I went from missing him and wanting to snuggle up next to him to being repulsed by the very idea of him.  I wanted him purged from my very existence, wiped clean from my slate.

I’ve learned that is not an easy thing to do.

When I got the mail today (why is it that the mail always seems to hide such ugly surprises for me?), I found a piece of junk from Geico addressed to my ex.  Now, let me explain how strange this is.  I have moved four times in the last three years.  I changed my last name at the time of the divorce two years ago.  And…my ex and I never had any insurance through Geico (I started using them AFTER the divorce).  How and why did they connect our names and why are they assuming he lives with me? (Maybe I should check the closets just in case.)

It doesn’t matter how much I want him to disappear, apparently echoes of him will continue to sound through my life.  At least now, those echoes are muffled, causing no discomfort only a mild curiosity and annoyance. It was Over three years ago; these sounds are just the noise of a dead relationship.  Apparently Geico didn’t get that memo.

Tips for Surviving a Malignant Divorce

Posted on by stilllearning2b
malignant divorce

malignant divorce

Divorces are never easy; lives are torn asunder, feelings are trampled and insecurities raised, and both parties are left with a great sense of loss and often failure.  Some divorces turn ugly, with both partners lashing out at each other, trying desperately to hold onto the children, home, or things from the marriage.  Yet others hide a quiet malignancy, one partner using manipulative tactics to attempt to undermine and discredit  the other.  This is the divorce with which I am familiar.  (How it Began)

How to Diagnose a Malignant Divorce

If you are facing a malignant divorce from a spouse who seems to feel no empathy and will seemingly stop at nothing to transfer blame, you will not have an easy road ahead.  You will find that those around you mostly likely believe that it takes two to make a marriage fail, and they will be all too quick to accept your ex’s explanations as to your part in the demise of the union, even if they are complete fabrications.  The truth is that many people do not know how to recognize these pathological narcissists, so they try to fit the divorce into the only mental model they have.  All of this can leave you feeling even more alone and scared as you set out to defend yourself against the one you vowed to cherish.

Help! I’m Divorcing a Narcissist

These are some tips if you find yourself in the position of facing off against a malignant ex that will help you maintain your sanity and limit the damage done through the process.

Understand the System

The system is not designed to deal with this type of dishonesty, nor is it designed to protect marital victims.  This was my hardest and most painful lesson.  I expected there to be more accountability for him, but the reality is that someone, especially a gifted liar, can skate through relatively unscathed.  Not fair, but true.  In my case, the decree ordered that he make all kinds of restitution and work to absolve my name.  Not. One. Thing. Happened.  And there was nothing I could do other than waste time and money on another civil action.  It sucks.  It’s not fair.  But that is the way it is.  Let go of wanting your ex to face appropriate legal sanctions, as it may never happen.  You need to find a way to be okay regardless.

Marital Treason

Gather Evidence

This is critical when your ex will spin outrageous lies; you need to have anything and everything at your disposal to be able to refute his or her claims.  My ex took all of the financial and computer records with him, so I had to stretch to find any evidence.  Those little scraps of data were enough to have him arrested for bigamy, however.  Collect everything, even if think you do not need it.  This evidence can be used to back up your story and also build your credibility.  The officer that arrested my ex was treated to some believable stories by my ex (my favorite- he and I divorced in 2006 and I was remarried to a chiropractor named Mark (Marc?) Mercer and living in the next community over), but he very quickly came to trust my side as I emailed and faxed him one document after another.  I felt utter relief as the first non-family member saw through the lies.

Reality Anchor

Find something, some place, or someone that is your anchor to reality.  The world of the pathological liar is a crazy one and you have been brought along for the ride.  There will be times when you begin to doubt yourself, begin to feel as though nothing is as it seems.  This is when you need to turn to your anchor to remind yourself of what is real and what is smoke and mirrors.  My anchor was his mug shot and an associated newspaper article from when he was arrested for felony bigamy.  I carried that picture in my purse for almost a year.  Every time I would open another claim from his attorney or have to face someone in an official position, I would pull out that crinkled print-out and find my sanity again.

When is a Phone More Than a Phone?

Choose Your Battles

It can be so hard to listen to your ex’s inflated claims and not try to defend each one.  You will find that it is not even possible; he/she is adept at turning up the speed of the malicious game, distracting you with one lie while volleying two more.  Choose your battles.  Select the lies to tackle based on the impact they will have in the divorce.  Let the little ones go.  Some of the lies that made me the angriest were regarding the intimacy in our marriage.  I could have tried to refute those, but it would have been wasted energy and a difficult truth to prove.  I had to learn to believe in the truth, even when he was spewing lies.

A Letter to the IRS

Self-Care

Make no mistake; you are in a war.  It is critical that you take breaks between the battles to rest and care for yourself.  Spend time with friends that you know believe you and believe in you.  Go for a massage, tender comforting touch can help the soul heal.  Make sure to exercise, it can be a great tool for alleviating anxiety or reducing anger.  Try meditation when you are able.  You will need to stay healthy; don’t give your ex the power to take that away from you.

Why I Run

No Contact

In many divorces, the partners spend hours discussing the end of the relationship, its repercussions, and plans for the future. With a manipulative ex, there is nothing to be gained from contact, as they cannot be trusted.  See if you can get a no-contact clause in your separation.  Also, you may need to consider your physical safety.  My ex had never struck me, but I found myself physically afraid of this man who had become a stranger, set to destroy me.  I was unable to obtain a protective order due to a lack of history of abuse, but I did notify the police of the situation and they were able to do regular drive-bys.  Remove yourself from your ex.  He/she is not what you thought and contact will only serve to delay that realization. If you have children together, you will obviously have to have some communication but you can limit the type and frequency.

If You’re Going to Get Married Illegally, Be Sure to Pay the Band

Focus on Your Future

It is important throughout that you remember what is really important: you and your future.  You will not win all the battles, especially when your ex doesn’t play by the rules.  But, if you remember that your ultimate goal is to get out and get on, you will be okay.

Goal Post