Going “No Contact” – Why is it So Hard?

Posted on by stilllearning2b

You’ve decided that you should go “no contact” with your ex, but you’re finding that it’s much harder than you anticipated to cut off all contact. Why is it so difficult to go “no contact” after a divorce or breakup?

 

This Person Was an Integral Part of Your Daily Life

Just weeks ago, this person was listed as your emergency contact. When you had a rough day, this was the person you turned to for comfort and understanding. They were the first call you made when you received important news and the first person you thought of when contemplating making a major change.

And now, you’re trying to pretend that they no longer exist.

It’s no wonder that it’s hard to cut off all contact. It’s as foreign and uncomfortable as losing an arm. Only in this case, it’s your heart that feels like it’s been removed. It feels so wrong to know that they’re out there and yet acting as though they are dead to you.

You Fear Being Forgotten

Even worse than seeing them as dead to you, is wondering if they no longer think of you at all. You reach out, not so much because you want to speak to them, but because you want to know that they are missing you.

After being a team for so long, it’s disconcerting to contemplate your former partner moving on without you. You want to be remembered. You’re desperate to know that you were important to them. And you’re afraid that if you fade into the background, that your legacy will as well.

 

Contact Has Become a Habit

It’s no wonder that we refer to love as a drug and we describe the early stages as a rush – love is addictive. And that’s even more true on the downslope of love. When we receive the alert of an incoming message from them, it sends a little rewarding shot of dopamine to our brain. And this is especially true when the contact is intermittent or unexpected.

Even a heart-wrenching glimpse of them with a new partner on social media provides a little chemical reward. And so even when there are negative consequences, we keep going back. Often without even putting much thought into it. Contact has become less of an intention and more of a habit.

 

Absence Makes the Heart Grow Fonder

Or, at least it makes the brain more forgetful. When we’re away from someone, the memories become fuzzy. The reasons that the relationship ended no longer see so important or so terrible and the positive recollections rise to the surface.

Doubt may begin to creep in – “Was this really the right decision?” “Did I make a mistake?” So you reach out in order to test the choice of ending the relationship.

 

We Believe Our Personal Narrative

Maybe you told yourself that this person was “the one.” Or, you’ve created a story to excuse their years of bad behavior. Regardless, it’s easy to become so immersed in our own story that we neglect to account for the facts that are in front of us.

When there is dissonance between our beliefs and our actions, we can experience intense discomfort.

 

There May Be Residual Guilt or Regret

If you ended the relationship, you may be feeling guilty for creating pain for your former partner. Perhaps you’re reaching out in an attempt to soften their discomfort and to alleviate your guilt.

Additionally, if you’re experiencing feeling of regret for things you said in the relationship or for the way you behaved, you may be initiating contact to try to explain yourself or to get another chance at making it work.

 

The Drive to Fill the Void is Powerful

The emptiness left at the end of a relationship is as gaping, tender and strange as the hole left from a pulled tooth. And the desire to immediately fill that void is strong. It’s natural to reach out to someone where there is already that shared intimacy and that history.

 

 

Going “No Contact?”

Read the rest of the series:

Signs That It’s Needed

What Are the Benefits

Strategies to Make it Work

Why You’re Struggling to Stay Away

Understanding No Contact

 

 

 

These Are the Dogs of Our Lives

Posted on by stilllearning2b

I put up a request on my Facebook page last week for people to share pictures of the pets that supported them through divorce. The submissions were equal parts heartwarming and heartbreaking and throughout, it was extremely clear how important our pets are to our mental health. My favorite pictures were the ones that demonstrated the bond between human and animal; some were powerful images that truly captured the connection. It’s amazing how much joy and comfort these dogs, cats, guinea pigs and even a turtle have brought to the darkest days.

Some shared sad stories about losing their pets in the process of divorce. Those were hard to read because that is still the biggest pain I hold from my own spilt.

Nine years ago, my then-husband left the home while I was on a trip. He didn’t send the text that he was leaving (I guess he needs a lesson on verb tenses) until one to two days later. In the meantime, the three dogs and one cat that we had were locked in the basement with insufficient food and water.

If he hadn’t sent that text, I probably would have returned home from my trip to find them deceased. Thankfully, the notice allowed a local – and priceless – friend to check on the animals and ensure they were taken care of until I arrived back home half a day later.

It was a bittersweet reunion with my pack. I loved them so much and yet, as the reality of my precarious situation made itself clear over the next few days, I also knew that I was no longer able to care for them. Damn. Just writing that still brings the tears. I still feel guilt over my inability to fulfill my promises to them. I still turn over the facts in my mind wondering if there was a way that I could have found a space where I could have lived with them and found a way to pay for their needs. The reality of that time was that I was barely able to care for myself (emotionally, physically or financially). It would have been a disaster for all involved if I assumed the responsibility for the well-being of others at that point.

With the tireless help of friends and family, the three dogs found new homes. Good homes. The cat stayed with me in the priceless friend’s guest room. We were refugees together. When she died from complications of old age a few years ago, it was as though a part of me went too.

My canine savior came in later, just after the divorce was finalized. His name was Tiger, a spirited, strong and wise soul tucked inside one hundred pounds of beautiful pit bull. When we met, I was still struggling. I was so scared. Not of him, but of loving and losing again. I was still unable to trust my perceptions and my instincts after years of gaslighting and so I doubted my ability to handle him in public.

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He knew all of this, in the way that dogs do. But he didn’t judge me for it or tell me to get over it. He just stayed by my side, teaching me that he could be trusted. Showing me that I was capable of more than I thought. And giving me unconditional love in a time when I still felt unlovable. He rescued me.

We lost Tiger suddenly and traumatically last fall. It was too soon. Isn’t it always? It was such a hard day, but I’m glad that I could be there for him at the end. It helped with some of the residual guilt from before.

Kazh came into our lives a short time later. It’s been fascinating to see how different I am with him because I’m in such a better place. Tiger was my teacher. Kazh is getting the benefit of those lessons.

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And that’s how it is with our pets. For their brief times, they live beside us through it all. They see the truth behind the picket fences yet withhold judgment, they offer affection when the whole world turns its back and they display a loyalty and fidelity that few humans can match.

They are the dogs (and cats and guinea pigs and turtles) of our lives. Making the good times a little sweeter and helping to guide us through the hard times.

If you have an animal in your life that has helped you through, give them a little kiss of gratitude today. If you’ve lost one, pause for a moment and say, “thank you” for sharing your time with me.

 

 

How You Can Expect Your Attitude Towards Your Ex to Change Over Time

Posted on by stilllearning2b
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Because everything changes…

In the Immediate Aftermath of the Break-Up

In the early months, my blood pressure would rise whenever I thought about my ex. I would feel an irrational fury begin to roil within me whenever I spotted someone when his particular style of facial hair. I couldn’t speak his name without feeling it in my gut and I couldn’t read his words without my body trembling with the overwhelming emotions that flooded me at the slightest trigger.

Depending upon your circumstances, your predominant emotion towards your ex can vary significantly. If your former partner was unfaithful, you are likely experiencing intense anger and perhaps even an all-consuming need for revenge (or at the very least, an apology and an admission of guilt). If you were left abruptly, you may be awash in shock and confusion, wondering you exactly you had been married to. If the end of the marriage was anticipated and mutual, you may be feeling a sense of sadness and regret towards your ex.

You may find that you’re demonizing your ex at this point, painting them as some malignant and one-sided character. If the end of your relationship was complicated and due to a variety of factors, you may be distilling all of those reasons into a single bullet fired by your former partner because it’s easier than trying to come to terms with the complex reality.

Along with these emotions, you may also be struggling to fall out of love. The intense feelings during and after divorce are often not mutually exclusive; it’s possible to hate someone and miss them at the same time. As your heart, mind and body work to release the hold that the relationship had over you, you can expect to have bittersweet dreams involving your former spouse, thoughts of, “We should try again,” and even an overwhelming sense of affection.

No matter the situation and your predominant feelings, you can expect your feelings towards your ex to be intense and variable in the beginning. Your mind may be consumed with thoughts of them and you may have an extreme emotional response to any contact or reminders.

Right now, their imprint on you is still distinct. Over time, the pressed edges will begin to soften and new memories will begin to fill in the depression in your heart. This is a time for patience.

 

When You’re No Longer Together But Still Bound

Even though I had long since resolved the majority of the emotions directed towards my ex, I retained a certain amount of anger for the five years it took for me to finish paying off the debt he saddled me with. Even with my liberal application of gratitude, I still found myself muttering, “This isn’t fair.” with every payment.

Either because of children or financial obligations, many of us are still bound to exes long after the end of the relationship. Often, the intense early emotions are replaced with a sense of frustration (“Why are they making this so difficult?”) and resentment (“I shouldn’t have to deal with this.”). The ex may take on the guise of a nuisance or a necessary evil.

There may also be a sense of bitterness that your life or your children’s lives are in some way continuing to feel the impact of the split. As in the beginning, you may be placing undo responsibility for your circumstances at the feet of your ex. It’s often easier to blame than to take stock and make decisions.

It is also possible for this period to relatively smooth as the former couple finds that they make satisfactory business partners once the emotion has been dialed down. In these cases, the ex may even begin to be viewed as an ally.

Unlike the extreme emotions of the early response, these are far more subtle. Yet they can still be damaging. This is a time for creative strategies and mental gymnastics in order to separate your feelings for your ex from your dealings with them.

 

 

Upon Learning About Them Moving On

“Who is she?” I wondered, when learning about my then-husband’s new wife. “What does she have that I didn’t?” “How can be be happy when he’s left me so devastated?”

I wasn’t alone in these feelings. The most common search string that leads people to my blog is some form of, “My ex is getting married and it hurts.” And boy does it, especially when it follows soon after the demise of the marriage. The news often brings up feelings that you thought you had purged for good. It may spark the anger again or may reignite feelings of attachment.

Here is my response to those just learning about their ex’s new vows. It’s not particularly compassionate towards the ex because people are rarely ready for empathy when they’re still in the midst of shock and pain.

When you first discover that your ex has moved on, you find yourself suddenly and surprisingly jealous (especially if you perceive their life with the new partner as the one you were “supposed” to have). You may be angry all over again that seem to be having an easier time of it than you are. And you may even find yourself attracted to them now that they are no longer available.

As the shock of the announcement fades, so too will the intensity of your reaction. This is a time to remind yourself that your happiness is not dependent upon them.

 

On Important Milestones and Anniversaries

I had to fight the urge to text my ex with the news of a mutual friend’s upcoming wedding. This was a relationship that we had watched, supported and hoped would develop. It felt strange not to have my ex by my side at the wedding.

When birthdays, anniversaries and other milestones pass, the feelings towards the ex are often bittersweet. There’s a nostalgia for what was, a memory of the pain and also the awareness of what what is missing. There may also be a renewed sense of anger, especially if your former partner is absent during a milestone that involves the children.

Overall, feelings towards your ex may intensify on those special days that can be a stark reminder about the changes in your life. This is a time to try to recall the good times while also creating new rituals and memories in your present life.

 

After the Pain Has Faded and You’ve Found Acceptance

And then one day, I no longer hated him. I no longer loved him. My fantasies of karma paying her dues were replaced by a desire for him to be…okay. Happy, even.

Hopefully, in time you can find some peace with your feelings for your ex. Time and perspective may have helped you see them as a flawed and complex person instead of a one-dimensional entity. Anger may slowly be replaced with empathy and fond memories may take the place of the pain of loss. The ending and the suffering may be remembered less and the good times remembered more.

As your lives diverge, they will become more of a stranger to you and you to them. As your years extend, the percent of your time spent with them will drop and maybe even its significance. You may find that you can speak of or to them without emotion, look upon them with only a brief flicker of lament and think of them with detached compassion.  Your initial desire to see them suffer (at least a little bit) has been exchanged (after much soul-searching) with an honest desire to see them happy (even if you never actually want to see them again).

This is a time for accepting that every person comes into our lives for a reason and extending kindness to all those along our path.

 

Change is Never Easy, But it Can Be Easier

Posted on by stilllearning2b

It’s not just seasons changing in these parts.

The school where I’ve worked for the past five years has become swollen. Overripe and bursting with more kids than the building was designed to hold. And so it’s being cleaved and the excess is being funneled into a new school, opening next fall.

My first reaction when confronted with the reality was that I wanted everything to remain the same.

Because change is hard.

And it’s so much easier to just keep on keeping on.

But that’s not always (or even often) a choice.

So when decision time came, I elected to transfer allegiance to the new school.

And between the additional meetings, the multitude of unknowns, the additional curriculum burdens and the physical sorting and packing, it has not always been easy.

But change never is.

Here are some strategies that I’m using now that help to make this change a little easier:

Accept Change As Inevitable

Even when things stay the course, the course changes, as do the people on it. Some change is obvious, the sudden endings and the hard right turns of life. And other change, most change, is more subtle and slow. The fraction of a millimeter added to a child’s height. The replacement of tall grasses with short trees that eventually grow to shade out the growth below.

When the abrupt changes occur, we often resist, digging our heels in and skidding through the turn as though we can alter reality through an act of sheer stubbornness.

We may as well push down on our children’s heads in an attempt to halt their growth.

Change is normal.

Change is unavoidable.

We may as well get used to it.

Frame Change As an Adventure

How exciting! You get to try something new!

Not feeling it yet? Keep practicing. Watch your words. Rather than speaking negatively about your situation, work to frame it as an adventure. An experience. Yes, there will be trials and tribulations. That’s part of what makes it more exhilarating. Aren’t you lucky to have this opportunity for excitement!

Part of the adventure mindset is to view setbacks as problems to be solved rather than roadblocks in your way. Be creative. Be flexible. And remember to have some fun along the way.

Control What You Can

We all feel better when we have the impression that we are in control of our lives. Unfortunately, life does not always agree. When you’re faced with unwanted change, it’s easy to fall into a victim mindset, taking the approach that all of this is happening to you and that there’s nothing you can do.

It’s true you cannot stop the change. But it’s also true that you’re not completely helpless either. In the midst of upheaval, control what you can, no matter how small or seemingly inconsequential. Simply recognizing that you have choice and acting upon those choices will go a long way to alleviating the fear and frustration that accompanies change.

What If It Is Your Circus and They Are Your Monkeys?

Create a “Worth It Because…” List

If you have chosen this change, you probably already have some idea of how it may benefit you down the road. If this change was thrust upon you, you’re probably drawing a blank as to the potential positives of the unwanted life renovation.

So figure them out. Step outside yourself and brainstorm some of the current and future reasons that this change is/will be worth it. You don’t have to like or agree with the change to uncover some of the positives. Some of these positive side effects may not be automatic. So put in the effort to make them happen.

The Upside of Betrayal

Piggyback On Your Change

You know that thing you’ve always intended to do but never quite got around to it? Now’s the time. You know that bucket list that has been collecting dust? Brush it off.

Change provides opportunities for more change. It’s harder to come up with excuses to avoid something new when new and different are everywhere you look. View this as a window of opportunity for you to bring to life some of the changes you have dreamt about.

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As for me, I am super excited about my upcoming change. It will push me. It will challenge me. Some days it will probably bring tears when overwhelm hits, but I’m confident that the effort will pay dividends. I’m thrilled to be part of building something new.

 

Why Are Relationships So Hard?

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Whether it was your first heart-break in middle school, your first big misunderstanding with the one you thought-was-the-one or reality moving in along with your partner, at some point you learned that relationships aren’t easy.

That staying together requires a lot more effort than getting together.

And that relationships are a challenge no matter what the circumstances.

So what is it that makes relationships so hard?

Vulnerability

Most of us walk around like an M&M, safely tucked inside a hard shell that is resistant to melting. Yet, melt is exactly what we must do if we want to establish an intimate connection. And it’s scary to reveal yourself in all your inner glory; you risk wounding or even worse, rejection. Maintaining vulnerability is a continual task. It takes sustained effort and intention to refrain from becoming closed off.

Ego

The best relationships are when both partners aren’t afraid to call the other out on their sh*t and when each is willing to listen. A relationship won’t make it far if you think you have nothing to learn. It’s not easy to lay down your defenses and admit your wrongdoings. It’s difficult to apologize and release the ego. It’s even harder to utter, “You’re right” and be happy saying it because it means you learned something.

Control

One of the most humbling realizations in any relationship is that your partner is an individual, with his or her own free will. Unlike those thousands of (mostly young and always naive) Twitter followers that declare, “I don’t believe in divorce. You mad? Go to the other room and we’re going to talk this out.” Because the truth is, apart from kidnapping, your partner may not want to go to the other room and talk it out. Relationships require that you share a life while accepting that you also live separate lives. Not an easy balance.

Baggage

We all carry wounds and patterns from the past into our relationships. Whether you were the peacemaking middle child in your family and now you try to avoid conflict in your marriage or you experienced infidelity and now you have trouble trusting, your past experiences shape your current situation. If those issues aren’t addressed and tamed, they will choke out the relationship with their tenacity. It’s difficult to face these problems; often we would rather pretend they are absent or inconsequential. It takes courage to unpack your past.

Expectations

We all have expectations of what relationships look like. We grew up watching marriages play out on television and watched our parents’ marriage evolve (or devolve) in front of our eyes. We often makes assumptions that our partners have the same expectations for marriage without taking the time to ask and find out (After all, what if they have a different image? That’s a scary reality to face.). When different expectations collide, the fallout can be devastating.

Acceptance

In the beginning, your partner was probably on a pedestal only because you didn’t know any better. Then at some point, you learned that this one wasn’t perfect either. In fact, you realized that he or she had all kinds of quirks and irritating traits. But you know what? You do too. And a successful relationship means accepting the messy, imperfect and often infuriating humanness of your partner. Without rubbing their noses in it.

Adaptation

Relationships are not stagnant. Just when you finally learn how to talk with your partner about money without falling into a blame/defensive pattern, something changes. And then you have to change in kind. There is no status quo. It takes energy and effort to grow. And the most difficult reality you may find you have to adapt to is that your relationship may not have staying power. And the lessons learned from one relationship may be applied in the next.

Yes, relationships are challenging.

And it is that challenge that also makes them so wonderful.

Because they push us to become stronger.

Teach us to become wiser.

And humble us to become kinder.

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