7 Subtle Signs You Have a Backseat Driver in Your Life

Posted on by stilllearning2b

For a long time (okay, even now), when my now-husband would vocalize his opinion about something that he thought would be good for me, I recoiled. It felt almost invasive.

Smothering.

Controlling.

Not because of what he was saying, but because of what I have been through.

My now-husband is direct, expressing his thoughts and feelings overtly and directly (a trait I very consciously looked for the second time around). Sometime I chafe, but I love the fact that it’s all on the table. And even though it’s not always comfortable, I love that he challenges me to defend my decisions and actions because it serves to help make me better.

My former husband was covert, passive aggressive and manipulative in his approach. Unflinchingly supportive on the surface of any thought or action I undertook, while silently steering me in the direction he wanted. He never questioned me, never told me what to do (except to relax while he tackled some chore on his own). His control was subtle, which is exactly why it was so powerful. My defenses were never triggered until it was too late.

The following strategies are commonly used by people who are passively controlling. Those who, rather than overtly take over the wheel of your life, cunningly influence how you turn the wheel. All of these signs can have multiple meanings; on their own they do not indicate control. But when more than one show up along with a sense that boundaries are being crossed, it warrants a closer look.

The tears may be real, but the emotion is not. This trick is learned in infancy, as babies realize how tears can halt punishment and bring attention. Some never abandon this trick and persist in using tears to manipulate those around them. Look out for waterworks that only come when something is desired and seem to halt as soon as the goal is obtained.

Affection and attention are doled out as a distraction and a pacifier. This was my ex’s favored ploy. It sounds crazy to complain about an attentive husband, but when I look back, the affection was increasingly used whenever I came dangerously close to the truth. His great big bear hugs felt protective at the time, now they seem more like a martial arts-style submission.

Decisions are held back. Waiting to make and/or communicate a choice is a particularly crazy-making form of covert control. Everybody else is held in limbo, their own lives and decisions delayed. Doing nothing can carry with a great deal of power when others are depending upon you.

Money is used as a mode of communication. Sometimes finances are used in overt control, such as when one spouse makes all of the financial decisions and doles out an allowance to the other. But it can also be more indirect, such as when purchases are kept hidden or the partner with the higher income feels entitled to make decisions for everyone.

Judgement is passed. This can be direct, “You look like you’re trying too hard when you wear that skirt,” or indirect, pronouncing something unacceptable in someone else. My ex took it a step further and frequently renounced choices and behaviors in others that he was guilty of himself.

The favors and gifts are given with some sort of reciprocity in mind. The stereotypical idea of a wife using sex to get her husband to do things comes to mind here, but it’s by no means the only modality used. Handouts can be used with great efficacy to shape behaviors. After all, there’s a reason we train animals that way.

They accuse you of being controlling. Projection and gaslighting at its finest.

 

In a healthy relationship, each partner challenges the other and accepts influence from the other. It flows both ways, balanced.

When there is controlling behavior present, the interchange is not equal. One holds more power than the other.

And when there is a backseat driver, a more passive controller, this imbalance can be difficult to pinpoint.

Control thrives when you’re too close to it, too afraid to see it and unwilling to erect and maintain boundaries.

Take a step back, trust in yourself and practice making decisions by yourself and for yourself.

 

Related:

I Hate Mums

I Reject Your Reality and Substitute My Own

Subtle Signs You’re Being Manipulated By a Covert Abuser

The Misuse Of Affection

Five Empowering Ways to Recover From Gaslighting

Posted on by stilllearning2b
recover gaslighting

I’ve written about why gaslighting is the worst. Here’s just a snippet:

It’s horrifying when you realize that the person you love, you trust, has been slowly and intentionally lying and manipulating you. It’s like that nightmare you had when you were 5 where Santa Claus suddenly turned into a monster. Only this monster is real and you shared a bed with them

Of course, if you’ve lived it, you already know that.

So here are five things that you can do now to help you recover and to allow YOUR light to shine bright again!

There’s No Disappear Here (So When Will I Believe It?)

Posted on by stilllearning2b

I had another…episode…a couple weeks ago. It was another convoluted mess of abandonment fears, distrust of my perceptions and feelings of not being enough.

In other words, the usual.

Not the usual as in that I usually feel that way. But the usual in that whenever I have a rough day, that’s always what it’s distilled to at the end. And I’ve learned that these rough days don’t usually occur in isolation; there’s a smattering of them over a period of weeks or months until the particular offending mental remnant is identified and hopefully neutralized.

I always end up feeling sorry for Brock in these exchanges. He ends up having to deal with the effects of my tsunami divorce – my lack of belief in words, my distrust of the security of a “good” marriage, my continual struggles with self-doubt and my conviction to never allow myself to be in that same position again.

The morning after (no emotional hangover this time!!!) this particular exchange, I found sticky notes with various declarations of love and affection around the house.

And then I saw this one. And I felt another layer of my old wounds close.

IMG_4965

It referenced a statement he made the previous night when I mentioned my continued difficulties with trusting my own perceptions and judgment.

There’s no disappear here.

Four words. Big meaning.

A promise to face problems rather than to run away.

A promise to refrain from stonewalling or retreating.

A promise to put effort into the relationship.

A promise to step up rather than step out.

Those words don’t expect perfection. They don’t deny that there will be challenges. They accept that we will have hard times and that we can overcome most anything if we both make the promise to show up and speak up.

And for some reason, even though Brock has expressed similar in words and actions for the duration of our relationship, this simple phrase resonated in a way that I could actually hear it.

And hopefully even start to believe it.

 

 

 

 

 

 

10 Reasons Being Gaslighted Is the Worst

Posted on by stilllearning2b
gaslighted is the worst

Ten reasons being gaslighted is the worst –

There’s a reason governments utilize psychological torture techniques on suspected terrorists.

It works.

It’s a way of controlling somebody discretely. Without obvious threats or harm. Simply by controlling their reality and steering their perceptions. Planting seeds of doubt and carefully nurturing them until a dependence upon the manipulator is created.

And you don’t have to be a prisoner suspected of treason to face this torture.

It can happen in your own home.

In your own marriage.

Only there, it’s not called torture (although maybe it should be).

It’s called gaslighting.

And here are the top ten reasons why it’s the worst-

10 Your Protector Becomes Your Persecutor

It’s horrifying when you realize that the person you love, you trust, has been slowly and intentionally lying and manipulating you. It’s like that nightmare you had when you were 5 where Santa Claus suddenly turned into a monster. Only this monster is real and you shared a bed with them.

9 It’s Invisible While It’s Happening

The whole point of gaslighting is to control somebody and distract them from what is really going on. As a result, it’s very difficult to identify when you’re in it. Generally, all you recognize is a sense that something is off and perhaps a sense of generalized anxiety. In some ways I’m glad I never spent time in a “bad” marriage. But then again, it’s scary to only realize after the fact that I was in one.

8 Your Memories Are Tarnished

I have 16 years of good memories with my first husband. And at least part of that history is false. But I have no idea what parts. So it’s all damaged. Ugly water stains on beautiful wedding photos. Was any of it real? I’ll never know.

7 It Doesn’t End When the Relationship Does

Some of this is by design. Often the abuser defames your character to others, leaving you in the position of either trying to convince them of a new truth or cut them out. But even without the character assassination, gaslighting persists. It’s in you, an unwanted tattoo imprinted upon your doubting brain.

6 Impact Is Hard to Recognize Until It Builds

The flood of feelings that led to my emotional hangover the other day was building for some time. But I couldn’t see it. It becomes very difficult to separate the implanted thoughts from your own. And sometimes the false ones take the lead for a time.

5 It’s Difficult to Explain to Others

Because until you’ve been there, you don’t believe that somebody can really have that much influence over your thoughts. Like much abuse, gaslighting starts slowly, ramping up the distortions until your reality is altered. And when you try to explain it, you either get judged or dismissed.

 

Continue to read the rest.

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Emotionally Hungover? How to Get Through the Day

Posted on by stilllearning2b
emotionally hungover

I had an emotional hangover today. Much like the more familiar hangover, it’s caused by excess. Only in this case, the hangover is brought about by too much of the feels than by too much of the booze.

But it sucks just about as much.

An emotional hangover is characterized partially by physical symptoms. The eyes are swollen and bloodshot from tears and lack of sleep. The belly is also swollen from swallowing too much air and perhaps even from the diversion of blood flow if the flight or fight system was activated. Its bloat is accompanied by a queasiness that either demands unhealthy food or rejects any thought of sustenance. The senses feel dulled at the same time the emotions are still in spasm.

And the emotions. While suffering from an emotional hangover, you feel raw. Residuals of the emotional flood bob to the surface yet you’re too tired to process them, letting out their air so that they can again sink to the bottom. Tears may be near the surface and can erupt even at the slightest provocation. You feel bruised from the strength of the released feelings. Sore.

Working memory is compromised, both because of a lack of sleep and because it’s busy trying to make sense of all that arose the night before. You may say or do things that are out of character as you simply try to make it through the day.

So what’s the key for surviving an emotional hangover?

Sleep

First, recognize that everything feels distorted when you’re short on sleep. And when you’re processing heavy emotions, you need even more sleep than usual. If you can, sleep in or snag a nap. If you can’t, make an early bedtime a priority. Work with your brain here. If you try to force sleep while you’re still worked up, it won’t work. Instead, find a way to comfort yourself, distract from the intensity or bleed some of the emotion until you feel like you can rest.

Hydrate

Yeah, I know. This sounds like a tip for the other type of hangover. But it’s important here too. If you’ve been crying, you’ve lost fluids. Even if you’ve just been operating at an aroused emotional state, you’ve stressed your system. And even just a little dehydration can make you feel even more awful.

Eat Nourishing Food

Not crap. You feel what you eat. Much like with sleep, a good meal can provide perspective and optimism. Make an effort to nourish yourself. Your mind will take notice.

Breathe

When you’re in an emotional storm, your breath becomes short, fast and irregular. As soon as you can, work to calm it and deepen it. It’s using the body to tell the brain it’s okay.

Limit the Social Demands

Reschedule some stuff. Call in sick if you need to or at least take a break when you can. You’re not operating at 100%. Don’t try to pretend that you are. Oh, and be ready to explain away the red eyes and sluggish demeanor with an excuse of allergies or an oncoming cold. Even if you have things you want to talk about, they’re usually best tabled until your hangover has lifted and you can think again.

Gentle Movement

You’re wrung out. This isn’t the time to tackle the interval training or hit the squat rack. Take a walk or do a little yoga. It helps to unstick some of the emotional residue.

Escape Into a Story

Much of surviving an emotional hangover is just being patient while the body and brain start to relax. This is a great time to through yourself into an engaging book or movie (I don’t suggest binge-watching a series here; that is an escape which will keep you from the sleep you need).

Be Kind to Youself

Don’t try to force any difficult conversations or decisions. Don’t beat up on yourself for your current (and temporary) state. You’re human. You feel. And sometimes those feelings can leave you feeling pretty wasted the next day. It’s okay. And you’ll believe that once you’ve had the opportunity to sleep and the time to let the residue fade.

And as to what caused my emotional hangover today? Let’s just say gaslighting is the gift that keeps on giving. Ugh. And now I’m off to a hot bath and a welcoming bed. I’m ready for this hangover to be over.