You Are Not How You Feel: 8 Ways to Create Space With Your Emotions

Posted on by stilllearning2b

It’s been a tumultuous week in this country. Emotions are running high and are leaking out like steam under pressure, burning those caught in its path. Anger, fear and doubt are butting heads with celebration, optimism and certainty.

The yoga class I attended this morning ended with a lovely meditation on loving detachment. We so easily identify with our feelings. “I’m scared, therefore this must be dangerous.” “I’m sad, so this loss must be catastrophic.” “I’m angry and you must have done something to provoke that.”

Yet even though we feel these things, we are not these things.

And just because we experience these feelings, it does not mean that they are true.

When we are too close with our emotions, we become perceptively impaired, listening to what is bubbling up from within rather than observing what is around.

Great peace can come from taking a step back, creating space between you and your feelings. Not to deny them or to judge them, but to notice them and accept them.

It’s the difference between standing out in the storm and watching the deluge through the window.

Here are ten ideas on how to come in out of the rain:

1 – Write From a 3rd Party Perspective

When big life stuff happens, we often identify with it. Allow it to curl up and nestle in our hearts like a cat by a hearth. We become that thing that happened. The betrayed. The abandoned. The lost.

I felt all of those things at first. Saw myself as all of those things. And I was tired of it. In a moment of desperation, I turned to my journal and wrote my story, not as myself, but as a 3rd party looking in.

The shift of perspective meant that I couldn’t describe the feelings, only the physical manifestation of the emotions. Instead of waxing on about the pain, I could only comment on the anemic and hollow look in my eyes.

The exercise was so effective at separating me from the overwhelming emotion that I turned to it often during that first year. It was a powerful way to remind me that even though I felt these things, I was not these things.

2 – Pay Attention to the Physical Sensations

Emotions can be elusive. Trying to identify and name them can sometimes feel like trying to catch smoke with a butterfly net. It’s often easier to pay attention to the physical manifestation of certain emotions. The tightness. The shaking. The exhaustion. The upset stomach. The headaches.

Strive to become an expert at recognizing and interpreting your own body’s way of communicating with you. And if that underlying emotion is still too much to face, try addressing it indirectly by attending to the physical manifestations. It’s amazing how much interfering with that feedback loop can help.

3 – Remind Yourself of the Fallibility of Your Emotion

Have you ever been completely worked up about somebody’s response before you even initiate the conversation? *raises hand with a sheepish smile* Your emotions running as wild as a two-year-old on a sugar high? And then the conversation happens. And maybe the response you expected occurs or maybe it doesn’t. But you find, with surprise, that you’re not nearly as reactive as you anticipated.

In some ways, our emotions are quite smart. They prick up their ears when something doesn’t feel right, giving us a warning of impending and subtle danger. They buzz with uneasy energy when things are off kilter and vibrate with anticipation when things are in alignment.

Yet in other ways, our emotions have the intelligence of a guppy. They don’t always learn from experience and they fail to temper their intensity with reason.

In those moments when you’re codependent with your emotional state, remind yourself of those times when your emotions were not an accurate representation of reality and allow yourself the idea that perhaps they are exaggerating now.

4 – Practice Mindfulness

Meditation. Prayer. Repetitive exercise. It doesn’t matter the modality as long as the intent is to practice being in the moment and learning to become at ease with stillness and the twinges of discomfort.

Mindfulness teaches us that emotions come and go. It helps to promote an acceptance of the limitations of control. It reminds us that even though we have limited domain over what enters our mind, we can choose to be a quiet observer. It teaches us to focus on one breath at a time, using rhythm and repetition to soothe. Mindfulness trains us to find the center of calm in a mind wracked with storms.

5 – Name Your Feelings

Once you name something, you have gained a level of understanding of that thing and a sense of perspective. When you’re standing in an emotional storm, seek to identify and name the feelings that you’re having. Not in a judgemental way, but more out of quiet detachment – “Oh, this is loneliness.”

You don’t have to do anything with the feeling. Just recognizing it helps you to see it as a separate entity and it promotes a greater sense of control.

6 – Find Your People

When my divorce happened, I remember believing that I had to be the only person with this experience and with these feelings.

Oh, was I ever wrong.

I felt misunderstood in my usual group of friends and family because there, I was the only one with this particular tale. So I cast a wider net, looking for others that had been through the same. Looking for my people.

And I found them. Unfortunately, more than I ever imagined.

By listening to and reading their stories, I learned that these emotions that seemed so personal were actual a common reaction. And I found comfort in those stormy days in the thought that others had felt this too.

7 – Make Lighthearted Fun

Humor has an immense power to disarm even the most potent foe. When your emotions are beating you down, try making fun of them in a lighthearted way. It shifts your mind and reminds you that it’s usually not all that serious (even when your emotions are trying to tell you otherwise).

8 – Talk it Out

When we try to hide all of our emotion, to lock it away in a deep, dark cupboard, we send ourselves the message that our feelings are something to be ashamed of. And shame is a powerful and malignant force.

Bringing your emotions to light in a safe space helps to provide some distance between you and your feelings. You are no longer responsible for trying to keep them hidden away. Instead, you can let them out where the illumination helps to promote understanding.

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Remember, you are not the storm.

You are simply the observer.

The sun is always there within you.

 

Anger Isn’t the Only Emotion to be Managed: 9 Ways to Tame Your Feelings

Posted on by stilllearning2b
manage emotions

When I was a kid, I used to have tantrums.

And not just any tantrums.

The on the ground, store-clearing, face-purpling variety.

And I had them a bit longer than was considered to be developmentally appropriate.

Sorry, mom and dad.

I can still remember the feeling. It was like a bucket of fizzy emotion had just been poured into a shot glass, overwhelming me with its intensity and confusion and frustrating me with my inability to make sense of what I was feeling and to communicate it to others.

And it was the latter that prompted the tantrums, that external display of anger that actually came from anger at myself and my struggle to reign in my other emotions.

If I had still been engaging in these external displays of excess emotion once I reached school age, I would have been referred for anger management classes.

When really what I could have used was emotion management classes.

But for some reason, anger seems to be the only emotion we feel has to be managed.

When the reality is that part of being a healthy, functioning adult is managing your emotions. ALL of them.

I went from that over-emotional mess of a kid to a much more controlled young adult. In fact, my mom even accused me on occasion of not feeling. But that wasn’t the case. After experiencing the potentially overwhelming nature of emotions, I was afraid to give them the floor. So as much as possible, I turned the analytical brain on and shut the emotional one off. Or at least turned the dial down low and ran them through a rational filter, which seemed to serve me fine.

And then the divorce happened.

And my analytical side went on the fritz and once again I had the sensation I was drowning in emotions.

I thought about throwing myself on the floor of my classroom and crying until my shrieks ran my students out of the room and my tears dried me out.

But I realized that I still needed my paycheck. And besides, I really didn’t want my face on a middle school carpet. Yuck!

My first step towards emotional management was basic; I divided areas in my life into two categories – safe to cry and keep those tears in, lady!

And for the most part, I succeeded. As long as you didn’t look too closely at the sweat pouring down my face while I was on the treadmill:)

But that wasn’t enough. I was dealing with emotions on a grand scale and I even if I wanted to wrangle them back in, they were flat-out refusing. The following are the nine  ways I learned to manage my emotions while sill acknowledging my emotions.

1 – Set boundaries.

Much like I did with my refusal to cry at work, create some hard lines in the sand where you are going to keep it together. Your brain is trainable; teach it when to think and when to feel. And don’t fall into the trap I did for a while – you can’t set your entire life as a “don’t feel” zone! You need some times and places where you feel safe crying and some times and places where you feel safe that you won’t cry.

 

2 – Be aware of triggers and do what you can to mitigate them.

Know thyself. Pat attention to your patterns. If you understand the antecedent, you will be better prepared for the reaction. Taken a step further, you may find that it’s easier to get a handle on things before your emotions spill over than after.

Are you irritable because you feel stifled? Get out and move. Are you feeling brittle and overwhelmed? You probably need sleep or, at the very least, rest. Do you find that you’re more prone to emotional wash-outs when hormones are peaking? Learn to ride easy at that time. Do certain calendar dates hold sway over you? Give yourself permission to grieve on that day and schedule a smile for the following.

 

3 – Breathe through the emotions.

The first thing our bodies do when we’re flooded with emotion is to stop breathing. The instinct when we’re trying to hold in all together is to hold it all in, including the breath. It’s a strange adaptation, like the body is summoning its reserves to attempt some great feat or is grasping onto its last breath out of fear that it will indeed be the last.

Learn to breathe deeply and slowly while you’re feeling the emotions. It’s a sign to your brain that emotion is nothing to fear, you don’t have to fight it or flee from it. Breathe it out and ride it out.

And while your at it, express some gratitude too. It’s pretty powerful stuff.

 

4 – Acknowledge emotions and name them without judgment.

With some of the autistic kids I’ve worked with, the teachers used an emotion board, a study page with simple illustrated faces displaying a variety of emotions. Those kids didn’t have the language to describe how they were feeling, so they were taught to simply point at the image that captured their emotions.

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I know I have a tendency to get too complex when I try to pinpoint my own emotions. I explain certain things away, outright dismiss others and try to make connections and interpretations. And then I stop and think of those kids and the elegance of selecting one image.

It’s amazing the power that naming an emotion can have. By acknowledging, “I feel sad right now,” it provides a sense of awareness and control over the feelings. Keep it simple, pick one emoticon: happy sad, scared, frustrated, angry, anxious, tired, surprised, disgusted. Keep the statement neutral. You’re human; it’s okay to feel any of those things. And saying that you shouldn’t won’t make you not.

And note the “right now.” Those two words are important. They concede that you feel that way now, yet allow that you may feel differently later.

 

5 – Release excess emotion without indulging it.

I remember when the advice was to treat anger by screaming into a pillow or attempt to beat a punching bag into submission. Yet research disagrees with that approach. It seems as though when you scream or hit when angry, your brain then solidifies that connection, leaving you more prone to screaming or hitting when you’re angry.

I would suspect a similar mechanism is at play with the negative effect journaling has been found to have in some cases – if you’re feeling low and all you write about is your sadness, it’s indulging it, not managing it. Which is why I frequently recommend this journal strategy.

Some people release emotions through writing. Others, running. Some may knit. Some may sleep. And some may whip up a feast. Know your own soothers and have them ready.

And try to keep from indulging your excess emotion. It’s just feeding the beast and upping your drama set point.

 

6 – Be aware of the impact your emotion may have on others.

What you feel, you project, even if you never part your lips. And what you project will impact how others respond to you. Be aware of the impact your feelings have on those around you. Try to understand the cause and effect and if you don’t like the response, aim to change the call.

You may need to apologize for your actions, but never apologize for the way you feel. It’s appropriate to express regret for snapping at someone. It’s not okay to make it sound as though you’re not allowed to be irritated.

Above all, strive to be kind.  After all, we’re all in this thing called life together.

 

7 – Accept responsibility for your emotions.

“You made me feel that way!” Ever said that? Yeah, me too. But it’s not accurate.

Here’s a powerful idea – what is one identifying trait of an abuser? They lay the blame for their actions at the feet of their victim, “You made me hit you.” We know that’s not true. It’s a shifting of focus and a way to escape responsibility. So why is this any different?

Others are responsible for their words and their actions. You are responsible for your response, either emotional or actual. Yes, people will do some sh*tty things sometimes. And you have every right to be angry. You’re angry because your boundaries were crossed. Or your sense of fairness violated. Own your anger. When you try to make the other person responsible, you’re allowing your anger to own you.

 

8 – Listen to your emotions, but don’t believe everything they have to say.

Think of  an unruly toddler. When they scream, “I hate you!”, do you listen? Or do you recognize that they missed their nap and they’re overtired? And what are toddlers but walking, talking squishy balls of emotion?

We evolved as emotional beings for a reason; we are social creatures and depend upon connection to thrive. Emotions serve to bring us together and also to protect us from threats inside and outside the group.

And our emotions are smart. There’s a reason that we feel uneasy about certain situations before our thinking brain has had a chance to process any danger. When we ignore our emotions, we do so at our own peril.

Yet, if we listen to everything they say, we’re blindly following an uneducated leader. Just think about your body’s response at the top of a roller coaster. Your fear says, “I’m gonna die!” while, if you like a rush of adrenaline, your cognitive brain looks forward to the fun.

 

9 – Be compassionate towards yourself and kick your butt if you need it.

For a recent “get to know you” activity for my new school, we were asked to stand up in front of the group and reveal two truths and one lie about ourselves. The group was then supposed to call us out on our lie. I volunteered to go first and in my best loud and bubbly teacher voice, announced

I’m an extrovert.

I’m scared of going downhill.

I went skydiving last summer and I’m excited to go again in a few weeks.

All of those that knew me responded, “You’re not an extrovert!” While the strangers all assumed that somebody afraid of a hill would never voluntarily jump out of a plane, so one of those must be false. When the reality is that I refuse to let my fears (or any other emotions) limit me.

When I go skiing, I know that it’s harder for me than the others. So I congratulate myself for facing my fear instead of comparing myself to those that don’t share that anxiety.

There’s a balance between accepting where you are and always pushing yourself to be better. Basically, give yourself a hug and kick your own butt at the same time. And please post a video – I’d love to see that! 🙂

Emotions are feral and often require domestication to play nicely. Don’t ignore them and also don’t be afraid to tame them. With the right work, they make great companions.

And if you feel like you’re constantly drowning in emotion, get help. There’s no shame in it. 

Emotionally Hungover? How to Get Through the Day

Posted on by stilllearning2b
emotionally hungover

I had an emotional hangover today. Much like the more familiar hangover, it’s caused by excess. Only in this case, the hangover is brought about by too much of the feels than by too much of the booze.

But it sucks just about as much.

An emotional hangover is characterized partially by physical symptoms. The eyes are swollen and bloodshot from tears and lack of sleep. The belly is also swollen from swallowing too much air and perhaps even from the diversion of blood flow if the flight or fight system was activated. Its bloat is accompanied by a queasiness that either demands unhealthy food or rejects any thought of sustenance. The senses feel dulled at the same time the emotions are still in spasm.

And the emotions. While suffering from an emotional hangover, you feel raw. Residuals of the emotional flood bob to the surface yet you’re too tired to process them, letting out their air so that they can again sink to the bottom. Tears may be near the surface and can erupt even at the slightest provocation. You feel bruised from the strength of the released feelings. Sore.

Working memory is compromised, both because of a lack of sleep and because it’s busy trying to make sense of all that arose the night before. You may say or do things that are out of character as you simply try to make it through the day.

So what’s the key for surviving an emotional hangover?

Sleep

First, recognize that everything feels distorted when you’re short on sleep. And when you’re processing heavy emotions, you need even more sleep than usual. If you can, sleep in or snag a nap. If you can’t, make an early bedtime a priority. Work with your brain here. If you try to force sleep while you’re still worked up, it won’t work. Instead, find a way to comfort yourself, distract from the intensity or bleed some of the emotion until you feel like you can rest.

Hydrate

Yeah, I know. This sounds like a tip for the other type of hangover. But it’s important here too. If you’ve been crying, you’ve lost fluids. Even if you’ve just been operating at an aroused emotional state, you’ve stressed your system. And even just a little dehydration can make you feel even more awful.

Eat Nourishing Food

Not crap. You feel what you eat. Much like with sleep, a good meal can provide perspective and optimism. Make an effort to nourish yourself. Your mind will take notice.

Breathe

When you’re in an emotional storm, your breath becomes short, fast and irregular. As soon as you can, work to calm it and deepen it. It’s using the body to tell the brain it’s okay.

Limit the Social Demands

Reschedule some stuff. Call in sick if you need to or at least take a break when you can. You’re not operating at 100%. Don’t try to pretend that you are. Oh, and be ready to explain away the red eyes and sluggish demeanor with an excuse of allergies or an oncoming cold. Even if you have things you want to talk about, they’re usually best tabled until your hangover has lifted and you can think again.

Gentle Movement

You’re wrung out. This isn’t the time to tackle the interval training or hit the squat rack. Take a walk or do a little yoga. It helps to unstick some of the emotional residue.

Escape Into a Story

Much of surviving an emotional hangover is just being patient while the body and brain start to relax. This is a great time to through yourself into an engaging book or movie (I don’t suggest binge-watching a series here; that is an escape which will keep you from the sleep you need).

Be Kind to Youself

Don’t try to force any difficult conversations or decisions. Don’t beat up on yourself for your current (and temporary) state. You’re human. You feel. And sometimes those feelings can leave you feeling pretty wasted the next day. It’s okay. And you’ll believe that once you’ve had the opportunity to sleep and the time to let the residue fade.

And as to what caused my emotional hangover today? Let’s just say gaslighting is the gift that keeps on giving. Ugh. And now I’m off to a hot bath and a welcoming bed. I’m ready for this hangover to be over.

Gotta Have Faith

Posted on by stilllearning2b

This house crush is proving to be an emotional affair.

We saw the house this morning. There were no fatal flaws. Just great big spaces and bigger questions. We were not ready to fall in love. The money isn’t yet fully saved. The current lease is not final.

Yet the house is ready.

We spent all day courting the house. We had friends-in-the-know (a realtor and a former contractor) check it out and give us their opinions (gotta love a freebie on-the-spot mini inspection!). We researched loan options. Finally, we worked with a friend of a friend to start the process to get preapproved for a mortgage. Assuming the numbers work, we put in a bid tomorrow.

Wow.

It has been a whirlwind.

It’s scary. There are so many unknowns. It’s such a big financial commitment. We will probably be house poor for the first 6-12 months, a position I hate being in. It’s scary but the possibilities are tantalizing.

Brock has been amazing. After the initial walkthroughs, when we were just sitting down to talk it through, Brock posed a question. “Does this, buying a house that will need some remodeling, trigger you emotionally at all since that is what you did before?”

Wow.

I was speechless. It was a great question; my ex and I purchased a house when we were first married that needed similar types of work. Remodeling that home was a big part of my marriage. I took the time to mull it over. Yes, the house and process brought up memories. But they were matter of fact.  There were no emotions triggered. All the emotion I feel today is about the present situation, not the past.

Brock was willing to walk away if the house triggered me emotionally.

Wow.

Even the financial stuff wasn’t too bad. I still have such shame and anxiety over the mess that I have. The friend of a friend that we worked with on the approval process didn’t make me feel bad as he asked about each item. I had some anger flare at my ex for putting me in this place, but overall, I was okay. That was a weight lifted, as I have been nervous about trying to buy a house for years.

The timing is not what we planned. The house is bigger than we planned. It needs more work than we planned. But the location is perfect. The features check every box. I can see Brock and I and our amazing friends in the space (after we host a few painting parties, that is!). The value is excellent. And the price is acceptable.

I don’t know how this is going to come together. I don’t know how we’ll make it work. Especially with a wedding around the corner as well.

This is one of those times when you just have to let go and trust that it will work out. I was in a similar position 3 years ago (Recalculating) when I had no employment, no place to live and only a few weeks into a new relationship. I wasn’t worried then. It felt right to stay in Atlanta and give my relationship with Brock a chance. I’ve never regretted it.

I’ve just gotta have faith.

Faith that no matter how this works out, it will be okay.

If we get the house, we will find a way to move sooner than expected. If we don’t get the house, we will find another when it’s time.

 

Yup, just gotta have faith.

And maybe a glass of wine to relax:)

Emotionally Introverted

Posted on by stilllearning2b
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Me on a bike! Let’s just pretend that it’s not because the coast has a dearth of hills:)

Life is beginning to return to normal after my trip to San Antonio. My introverted nature is enjoying the solitude interspersed with connections that I get to savor during the summer. My trip to San Antonio was awesome but it also strains my somewhat reserved nature to always have people around.

Brock stayed behind in Atlanta for this trip. I’m not sure what it was, but I really missed him during my absence. The feeling was mutual. We’re both used to him being gone (generally for only a night or two) for business, but somehow it’s harder when I’m the one out of the house.

My mom and I on our sky swing:) The only thing missing was a dumbwaiter to bring us beverages!
My mom and I on our sky swing:) The only thing missing was a dumbwaiter to bring us beverages!

While I was gone and during my travels home, he expressed how much he missed me and was looking forward to having the pack back together. When he finally picked me up at the train station, I received a passionate hello from Tiger and a distracted peck from Brock.

My feelings were hurt, but luckily, we’ve been here before so I knew his pattern.

After I returned to a lukewarm greeting a couple years ago, I panicked. I read his seemingly uninterested welcome as a sign that he was not happy to see me. I thought he was pulling away because of some terrible reason.

I brought it up. We talked about it.

As he was struggling to help me understand his perspective, he used the term “emotionally introverted” to describe himself. He went on to explain that the feelings he had when we were reunited were overwhelming, flooding him. He had to retreat until he could become comfortable and then he would be ready to connect.

I got it. I know the way I can feel when I walk into a crowded room or I am surrounded by people for days at a time. I know those breaks I need from the stimulation so that I can reset and relax.

He wasn’t withdrawing because of an absence of emotion. He was pulling back because he felt too much emotion.

As an introvert, my behavior can be read as rude or antisocial when I am just overwhelmed and flooded.

As an emotional introvert, his behavior can be read as unloving or distancing when he is really just overwhelmed and flooded.

Even knowing this, it still stings a bit. It’s hard to to take it personally. I’m working on it.

In this instance, I didn’t say anything. I kept myself busy and gave him time. Within a few hours, I had the greeting I wanted – full kisses and a long, prone embrace. It was worth the wait.

It’s so easy to make assumptions about the reasons for someone’s actions. We see there behaviors through our own lenses. It’s worth taking the time to try to see through their eyes. You just may be surprised at what you see.

So now the two introverts – one socially and one emotionally – have both been reset and are happy to be back together as a family. At least until my next trip:)

My boys:)
My boys:)