6 Ways Re-Watching Your Past Can Help You Move On

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Brock and I are currently re-watching all of the released seasons of Game of Thrones.

We were late to the GOT party, only bingeing on the first 5 seasons just last year. But even though the characters and plots should be fresh in our memories, we realized after recently viewing season 6 that we had significant gaps in our comprehension and analysis of the story.

The initial viewing was a journey of emotion, raw and often impulsive. It provided us with feeling (so much feeling!), but left much to be desired in terms of understanding. The second viewing has been illuminating. The emotional response has nowhere near the intensity that it did in the beginning, but from this perspective, we are now able to make connections that eluded us earlier. It all makes sense now. 

After the finale of season one wrapped the other evening, I realized that the process of re-watching Game of Thrones in order to build a complete picture of the story and find understanding of the characters and their motivations was analogous to how I approached processing my own past.

Here are 6 ways that re-watching your past can help you move on:

Re-Watching As an Active Pursuit

If we simply sat inert on the sofa with Game of Thrones playing on the television, we would gain nothing more from the experience. Instead, we are alert as we watch, looking for clues and connections we missed the first time. We utilize the pause button so that we can discuss a theory or a sudden realization. When we’re still confused, we seek help, learning from those who are more experienced. Overall, we benefit from considering other perspectives and opinions as we develop our own.

It’s easy to be passive about your past, allowing mental films to play on repeat. This is ruminating, not processing (learn more about this) and keeps you stuck instead of helping you move on. Instead, be an active participant as you review your marriage and its demise. Focus on making connections and creating understanding. Seek outside viewpoints and guidance, but also realize the importance of adhering to what feels true to you.

Analysis is Easier When All is Revealed

When we first watched Game of Thrones, we had to accept certain actions and decisions by the characters at face value. We didn’t yet understand the history and background that would lead a character towards a certain choice (especially because some of these connections are not revealed until much later). This time through, we’re able to piece together the long-standing conflicts between the families and follow the wrongs that have been committed on all sides. It doesn’t make some of their decisions any more palatable (I had forgotten how gruesome the Stark slaughter is!), but it does provide some insight into their motivations.

When you’re reviewing a marriage after it has ended, you have all of the puzzle pieces you need to create an awareness of the big picture and to propose some plausible motivations for choices and behaviors. If you can find some understanding into why your ex did what they did, it can help soften any residual anger and release any lingering victimhood. Seeing the bigger picture doesn’t excuse poor choices, but it does help to see them a bit differently.

Assumptions Are Often Incorrect

As we watched the first time through, we lost track of many of the details and often took a wrong turn while trying to decipher the tangled branches of the family trees. We made assumptions to fill in the gaps of knowledge and to bridge between story points. We help many of those assumptions through all of the initial viewing. They became our lens for creating understanding. And now many of those conclusions have been challenged and it impacts the way we interpret further information.

The end of a relationship is a fertile breeding ground for assumptions. So much is unknown and so much is felt, that we easily assign erroneous conclusions. Conclusions that then become the basis for any further interpretation. By actively re-watching with an open mind, you can evaluate your early assumptions and decide if they still hold true or if they would benefit from revision.

Nobody is All-Good or All-Bad

I had forgotten how much we hated him in the beginning. One of the characters is a multi-faceted and overall kind man in the latter seasons. But in the first episodes? He comes across as a self-centered and impulsive man. And he was. Until he faced things that forced him to change his ways and broaden his perspective. Throughout the story, we see the weaknesses and strengths of all the characters, even those who are most celebrated or reviled. Some have commendable motivations for horrific acts while others perform valiantly in one venue and are reprehensible in others. Ultimately, there are no “good guys “and “bad guys”. There’s just guys, trying to make it through.

At the end of marriage, especially when your spouse behaved badly, it’s easy to cast them as the “bad guy” and paint yourself as “the good one.” It feels virtuous at first and there’s a comfort to be found in shifting all blame. But eventually, you end up typecast, not as the “good guy,” but as the victim. As you re-watch your past, be alert to signs that your ex had a good side and be aware of your own darker urges and behaviors. Nobody is all-good or all-bad. We’re simply all human.

A Negative Event Can Lead to Positive Outcomes

One of the aspects I love most about Game of Thrones is the strong characters who refuse to be limited by the tragedies that befall them. It’s easy to paint some of these events as negative. And in the short-term, they often are. But then we see the characters learn from the event, challenge their limitations and finally grow stronger than they were initially. As you see a paralyzed child learn to master his mind, it’s no longer clear that the event that caused his injury was detrimental to his life in the long run. And now, watching those early tragedies, there is none of the original sadness, because we see it as a beginning, not as an end.

Our lives aren’t filled with as many plot twists as the series (thank goodness!), but we all expereince events that are easy to qualify as negative because they are unwanted and often injurious in the beginning. Work to slide the “negative” label off the events in your life. Start by striving to see them as neutral, simply what happened. Then, take inspiration from your favorite characters and think about how you can create positive outcomes. How can you make this your beginning?

There Will Always be Some Mysteries

Re-watching has answered many questions. And prompted many more. The writers of Game of Thrones are careful to always withhold some information. They reveal clues rather than announce outright. There is always room for questioning and position-taking. And re-taking. It can be frustrating at times when you just want to know the facts and all you’re getting are hints. Life is no different. There will always be some mysteries, forcing an acceptance of some unknowns and acknowledging the limitations of re-watching.

No matter how many times you revisit your past, there will remain some unanswered questions. There is no benefit to continue to re-watch after you have learned what you can. Work to find an acceptance of the unknowns. You don’t need to know every detail in order to understand the first part of the story and to begin to write the rest.

Just as the events in Game of Thrones unfold in the same way the seond time through, revisiting your past does not change it. That’s not why you re-watch. You view again to see with newly opened eyes, to approach with a less emotional and fearful mind and to gain understanding and acceptance. And once you’ve done that, the past no longer has anything meaningful left to offer and can safely be taken off your mental queue.

After all, there’s always another show:)

Homeless In Life: Overcoming Emotional Isolation After Divorce

Posted on by stilllearning2b
isolation

I had two conversations recently with two different people about the isolation and sense of desolation after divorce. About waking up every day already exhausted at the effort. About filling the time with activities and get-togethers, but never really feeling connected.

It’s a sense of being homeless in life. With the worst homesickness imaginable for the life you lost.

But just like a night spent on the street doesn’t mean a person will never have a bed again, time spent homeless in life doesn’t predict your future.

So how do you find and create your home again?

It starts with sleep.

If you’re not rested, everything becomes an insurmountable obstacle. Your mood will be even further depressed, your thinking will slow and your emotions will be amplified.

If sleep is difficult to come by, get help. I needed medication to sleep and eat those first few months. And that’s okay.

Be aware if you’re sleeping too much, as it may be a sign of avoidance or, more seriously, depression. Again, there is no shame in asking for help. It’s there for a reason.

This is intensive work. Push when you need to and don’t forget to rest when you can.

Shift your focus away from your ex.

If you’re thinking more about your ex than you are about you, you’re looking the wrong way. Start by clearing away physical reminders, including those lurking on your technology.

Then, start to do the same with your thoughts. Begin with the intention that you want to release the hold these thoughts have on you and the belief that letting go, although it seems frighting, is the way to freedom.

There are many tools that can be effective here. Journaling is one of my favorites. But use what works for you. Be prepared to some trial and error. After all, none of had “Personalized Divorce Recovery 101” in school:)

Thoughts about your ex will surface. And that’s okay. Think of them like a bird landing on your deck. You notice it, but you don’t have to chase it. Attend to your negative thoughts the same way. Acknowledge that they are there. And then let them fly away on their own time. Here’s yet another way to think about it.

If you do better with boundaries and structure, create your own ritual to interrupt those thoughts. Yes, the rubber band on the wrist trick really can work!

Pay attention to when you feel the most you.

When are you out of your head and in a flow? If you haven’t achieved that recently, think back. What activities, people or locations are correlated with this feeling? What key elements need to be present or must be absent for you to be fully in the moment.

Then invite those moments into your life as much as possible. It’s not selfish, it’s self-preserving. And you are worth it!

Beware of busyness for the sake of busyness.

When we’re lonely and feeling isolated, we often try to fill every little nook and cranny of our lives with something to do. And much of that is positive – It keeps you active, allows you to try new things and meet new people and it leaves less time for rumination.

But taken too far, and this strategy backfires. Not only can it become a way to avoid doing the processing you need to do, it also feels inauthentic.

And the whole goal is to get you back to your authentic self, not a facsimile of you just going through the motions.

Be ready to say “no” to people who think they know what’s best for you. Set boundaries with those that intrude too far and ask too much. This isn’t about trying to make other people feel good. It’s about you cultivating the good in you.

 

Attend to the physical.

I don’t know about you, but my brain is a slow learner.

So I trick it:)

If I’m anxious, I go for a long run which forces me to breathe deeply and slowly, thus telling my brain that everything is okay. If sadness is my emotion de jour, I play with Tiger and enjoy the oxytocin boost. When I’m feeling unsettled, I pile a heavy comforter over top of my prone body, the weight helping to anchor my unmoored mind.

This is another area where you’ll have to engage in some trial and error. Identify the thoughts and emotions you want to dampen and strive to find physical ways to trick them into submission. Here are some ideas to get you started.

Give yourself a goal.

Humans need purpose. And after divorce, it’s easy to feel as though you have no purpose. So create one. Make it moderately big. Something that will take some time to achieve, but with an end that is in sight. Make in tangible and measurable. Write it down. Decide how you will be accountable. And then start taking those baby steps to your goal.

Here’s one suggestion. But again, find what works for you.

Take time to be with you.

I remember post-divorce feeling like I had just suffered some horrific injury and I was afraid to look too closely to survey the damage. Because I’m a goober, I actually scheduled a day to just be with my thoughts a few months after he left. I dreaded that day.

But the day itself?

Empowering.

Because once you know what you’re dealing with, you can begin to act upon it.

So much of that isolation you feel isn’t because you’re apart from your former spouse. It’s because you’ve tried to distance yourself from your own pain. It’s time to meet back up with yourself again.

Because once you do that, you’re home.

How Do You Get Through Your Anniversary After Divorce?

Posted on by stilllearning2b
anniversary

So according to those that monitor traditions, the first wedding anniversary is supposed to be marked with a gift of paper.

So what do you do with the day once the anniversary has been marred by paper? Divorce papers, to be exact.

Those unanniversaries are going to keep coming. So you may as well get good at dealing with them. Here are some suggestions for you implement before the day, on the day and after the day to help make your anniversary a little easier..

Divorcing Without Kids Has Its Own Set of Struggles

Posted on by stilllearning2b

You know what kind of divorce is the hardest?

Whatever kind you have to go through.

Because it’s hard on everybody no matter the circumstances.

And my circumstances – child free by choice – left me grateful throughout my own divorce that I didn’t have to help little ones navigate a family transition. That certainly made it easier. But still by no means easy.

There is so much written, and with very good reason, about the difficulties and particulars of divorcing with kids.

But nothing at all (from what I’ve encountered) about those marriages that end without kids. And they have their own unique struggles.

 

“Just be glad you didn’t have kids,” was the frequent response I received to the news of my divorce.

And I was glad. I didn’t have to face telling children about the upsetting and significant changes to their lives. I never had to navigate the uncertain waters of establishing a co-parenting relationship or deal with the negotiations over child support. And I didn’t have to watch my hypothetical children suffer, something I can’t even imagine.

I have the utmost respect for those who manage divorce with dignity and courage for their children. For those that set aside the animosity for the ex and focus instead on being the best for the children. For those that bravely tackle unbelievably high obstacles so that their children can thrive. That’s a hard divorce.

And so is divorce without kids. These are the particular struggles that those without children face:

Your Pain is Downplayed

Even though I agreed with those that commented about my not having children, I still felt in the moment like it was dismissive of my pain. The lack of children makes divorce easier. Not easy. Because of the complications and additional stressors that children bring to divorce, those without kids often feel unwelcome in support groups and unable to share their pain without a fear of it being shrugged off.

Your Motivation Isn’t Ready-Made

When you have children, being a parent is often a central purpose of your life and their well-being is a significant motivator after divorce to get your life together. When you’re married and child free, you identify primarily as a husband or wife. And then that’s wiped out with a signature on a page. It can be a struggle for many without children to find their purpose and their motivation after a divorce.

It Can Be Isolating

Whenever I visit my neighborhood pool, I’m reminded how much children bring their parents together with other parents. Most of the adults all know each other through swim team, shared classes and play dates. After a certain age, the child free aren’t included in many of these recurring social situations. And when divorce happens, this isolation can be extreme, especially when the split extends into the couple’s friend group.

Loss of Family Memories

When my parents divorced, my mother and I worked to both retain family memories and to cultivate new ones. When I lost my husband, I lost sixteen years of memories that only he and I shared. And there was no one else to create them with. Children provide sort of a continuation of the marriage. Without children, it can sometimes feel as though there is no proof that the relationship ever occurred.

Fear of Time Running Out

Some people are child free at the time of the divorce because they decided not to have children. And others found that their marriage ended before the desired children were born. For those men and women, a childless divorce is especially painful because it brings with it the fear that time will run out for them to create the family they want.

Even with its particular struggles, divorcing without children gives you a unique freedom rarely found in adulthood. You can relocate. Reinvent. Go on dates every night. Fall in love with somebody else and maybe even somebody else’s children. Or stay single forever and commit your life to some other cause. You have no limits. No restrictions.

Acknowledge your struggles while at the same time expressing gratitude that they were your struggles alone and that no children were harmed in the making of this divorce.

 

Why “How Could You Do This to Me?” Is the Wrong Question to Ask

Posted on by stilllearning2b
how could you

I was a playlist on repeat.

“How could he do this to me?” I wailed to my dad as he made sure I was restrained by the seatbelt before racing off to the airport to escort me to the ruins of my once-placid life.

“How could he do this to me?” I cried to my mom, recalling how she always stated she found comfort in knowing that my husband looked after me.

“How could you do this me?” I whimpered on my husband’s voicemail as he continued to avoid my calls. I screamed it into the phone hours later.

“How could you do this me?” I carved into my journal imagining I was carving into his flesh instead.

“How could you do this to me?” I keened silently from the cold courtroom chair as I scanned his face for any sign of the man I had loved.

It seemed like the most pressing question. Holding an elusive answer just out of reach that, once found, would make sense of the senseless pain. I struggled to comprehend how someone that had only recently professed his love could instead act with such apparent malice.

The question consumed me. Engulfed me. Propelled me.

But all along, it was the wrong question to ask.

—–

It’s a normal question. We personalize. Internalize. When we’re feeling the impact of somebody’s actions, we can’t unfeel them. And those emotions are struggling to understand as our expectations are rudely slammed into an undesired reality.

It’s also a pointless question. One that rarely gets answered and even more infrequently, answered with any truth and clarity.

Because the reality is that the person didn’t act with the intention of doing this to you. Instead, they acted for them.

And you just happened to be in their way.

 

Here are the questions to ask instead:

What did they have to gain by doing this? What discomfort did they seek to avoid?

I was actually relieved when I discovered that my husband had committed bigamy. It was the first moment when I realized that his actions said way more about him than about me. It gave me a glimpse into his hidden world, where he was trying to escape the shame of a failed business and was trying to create a fictitious world where he was successful. Yes, he lied to me. But he lied more to avoid facing the truth himself. I was able to see his actions from his perspective, each choice either serving to bring him enjoyment or to offer him relief.

People act to move towards pleasure or, even more frequently, to move away from pain. Take yourself out of the picture for a moment. What did they have to gain from their actions? How did their choices help them avoid discomfort?

Yes, it’s selfish to act for your own benefit without considering others. And being selfish may be their character flaw. But selfish is a sign that they acted without regard for you not that they sought to do this to you.

Understanding their motivations goes a long way towards releasing the anger. It doesn’t excuse their choices. But it does help to unravel them and in turn, release you.

Why did I not notice? Why did I allow this?

Disorienting is an understatement. I stood in the property impound room beneath the police station as the policeman pulled out my husband’s everyday workbag. Inside, there was a wallet I had never seen filled with cards that were foreign. A camera soon followed, a duplicate of the one he had in his other life. The entire bag was a mix of the achingly familiar and the shockingly new.

I was confronted with the reality that my husband had been living a duplicitous life for years. Maybe even ALL of our years. And I had been clueless.

His actions were his problem. My ignorance was mine.

If you were decieved and manipulated, dig into the reasons that you were blind to reality. Like me, were you too afraid to face the truth and so you didn’t look too closely? Or were you pretending that all was okay and distracting yourself to maintain the illusion?

If you knew that you were being treated badly, why did you tolerate it? Had you been taught in childhood that you were lucky to receive any attention, even if it was negative? Were you afraid of being alone, opting for the devil you know?

These are big questions and ones often rooted in childhood or in trauma.It’s worth spending time here (maybe with the help of a counselor), especially if you want to avoid a repeat.

What am I feeling now? Is it all directly related or is some of it associated with past trauma being triggered?

I was on a mission. Needing information, I ran background reports. I combed through scraps of paper and old pay stubs looking for any relevant information. Driven, I triangulated his whereabouts using our checking account and used Google Earth to get a street view of his other wife’s home. I had one goal – to see him face the legal consequences for his actions.

It was all ultimately a distraction. If I focused on the detective work and the state of the pending legal action, I didn’t have to focus on me. On my pain. And on what I was going to do about it.

Are you focusing in the wrong direction? Maybe you’re busy attacking the other woman instead of looking at your marriage. Perhaps you’re busy going on the offensive for your day in court so that you don’t have to look within your own courtyard.

Be with your feelings. All of them. Even the ugly ones. Listen to them and then you can send them on their way.

Once I invited my feelings in, I was surprised to realize how much of my pain was only tangentially related to my husband’s disappearance. And how much was related to my own father’s perceived disappearance many years before.

It was an opportunity. A crossroads.

I could either ignore this triggered response only to have it return later.

Or I could address it. And work to understand how it impacted my adult choices and behaviors.

Stuff was done to you. What you do with it is up to you.

How will this impact me going forward? What do I need to do to move on?

“I need to find a way to make some good come from this,” I stated in a moment of profound clarity on the day I received the text that ended my life as I knew it. I had no idea how I was going to make that happen, but I knew on some level that creating something positive was going to be my key to survival. To thriving.

I had no idea just how hard that road was going to be. That even seven years on, I would still struggle to differentiate between true threats and echoes of the past. I have had to become an expert on my own healing, learning my triggers and becoming a master at disarming them.

Become a specialist in you. Explore your trouble spots and experiment with ways to strengthen them until you find what works. Be attentive to you. Be proactive. And most of all, be determined.

This is a defining moment in your life. You decide what it defines.

How can I avoid being in this position again? What are my lessons I need to learn?

A part of me – a BIG part of me – was surprised to see my fairly new boyfriend at the airport to pick me up. I had assumed that since my husband deemed it suitable to abandon me while I was visiting family, a recent beau would certainly follow suit.

I was operating from a place where abandonment was presumed. And if that mindset persisted, so would the discarding.

Instead of focusing on what happened, shift your attentions to what you can learn from what happened. They’re hard lessons, I know. The most important lessons always are.

Your power comes from choosing how you respond. And every bad moment is an opportunity to learn to respond a little better.

How can I turn this into a gift?

When I look at my life now, I am profoundly grateful for what happened years ago. I’m thankful for the shock. For the pain. For the confusion. And even for the anger. Because all of that has led to a much better place – a much happier place – than I could have ever imagined.

This is a hard question. Perhaps the hardest.

It seems impossible when you’re choking on the pain that it can actually help you learn to breathe. But it can.

Be patient. And be persistent.

Because finding the gifts hidden beneath is the best gift you can give yourself.

So that one day, instead of saying, “How could you do this to me?” you can say –

Thank you for doing this to me.

And mean it.