15 Questions to Ask Yourself If You’ve Been Cheated On

Posted on by stilllearning2b

When you discover that you have been cheated on, your mind immediately begins spinning with questions – “How could they do this?” “Why is this happening to me?” “Am I ever going to be okay again?”

Those questions are completely understandable. After all, the person who trusted the most has betrayed you, ripping the well-loved rug of your life from beneath your un-cushioned feet. You’re lost. Confused. Sad and angry. And probably more than a little frightened.

Nothing makes sense as normalacy has been bathed in pain, the betrayal permeating every fiber of your being. The answers that you once seemed so sure of have been replaced with questions. The certainties shoved aside for the great unknowns.

While you’re in this maelstrom fueled by the realization that you have been cheated on, ask yourself the following questions to find some clarity and to begin to regain your footing.


Am I still breathing?

Since you’re able to read, I am going to go ahead and assume that the answer is, “Yes.”

Now, are you breathing deeply? I wager not. Right now, I want you to take a deep breath, all the way down to the bottom recesses of your lungs. Pull it in and sigh it out of your open mouth. Try it again. Maybe even a third time. Do you feel just a little bit of that panicked tightness release?

The discovery of betrayal may not place us in physical danger, but it definitely qualifies as a threat to your life. As a result, your body responds by sending out fight or flight signals. And one of the first things to suffer is the breath.

It becomes a vicious cycle – stress tells your body to breathe shallowly and rapidly and shallow breathing tells your body that it is stressed. Since you can’t undo the stress caused by the infidelity, work instead to interrupt the cycle by controlling the breath. Several times a day, ask yourself the question, “Am I breathing?” And then make the answer, “Yes!”

Is there a person or place that helps me feel a sense of safety or security right now?

After I learned of my husband’s double life, I purchased a super-soft and fuzzy throw. I found my safe space within its comforting folds. Whenever the world began to feel overwhelming, I wrapped myself inside of it, a cocooning caterpillar dreaming of better days.

Do you have something similar in your life right now? A place, a person or even a silly object that makes you feel grounded and helps you believe that maybe the entire world hasn’t gone all topsy-turvy? When we’re spinning out of control, it helps to have something to hold onto.

What has been taken from me?

This question may seem easy to answer at first. In fact, I bet the answers will practically burst from your mouth. Release them. Let them go.

And then explore what’s underneath that initial purge. Those losses are often much more subtle, more nuanced than the major ones we see at first. Yet they are still important. Being cheated on is a death, a theft and a swindle all in one. There’s quite a bit there to uncover.

And underlying all of it is that it occurred without your consent or complicity. Of all that was taken from you, perhaps you discover that your agency was the biggest loss.

What do I wish my spouse could understand?

Because they don’t understand, do they? If they did, they wouldn’t have been been able to do what they did.

Unfortunately, even as science has allowed us to peer into the brain to begin to understand its inner workings, we have yet to develop a way to transfer our feelings to another. So we have to resort to words and gestures.

So, what do you wish they knew? What feelings are you experiencing that you want them to comprehend?

If you’re talking with your partner, you can share these. If you’re not, it can still be helpful to release them in writing, even if left unsent. Whichever route you take, be aware of the limitations of your words. You can share them, yet you cannot control how they are received. Speak and then be willing to listen, even if the only response you get is your own thoughts about the words released on paper.

Why do I think my spouse might have made this choice?

The initial reaction to a discovery of cheating is often – and rightfully – anger. The cheater is painted as a villain. One-dimensional, completely selfish and manipulative.

And I’m not denying that those traits are often present. Yet that’s rarely the entire picture. After all, if that’s who they are, why did you marry them in the first place.

Take a step back. And another. Try to look at the bigger picture, not as a betrayed spouse, but as a detective. What factors, either environmental or behavioral, might have contributed to them making this horrific decision?

These contributing factors are not an excuse for the behavior – that was a choice. However, understanding what may have led up to this can help you release some of the anger. Not for the cheater’s benefit, but for yours.

What if it’s not about me?

I know I initially saw my husband’s actions as a direct assault on me. He was the arrow and I was the target brutally pierced by his betrayals. And then I asked myself this very question.

And the answer that came to me was powerful indeed. I realized that his myriad deceptions and despicable choices were all about him – his pain, his cowardice, his inability to deal with his issues. I just happened to be in the way.

So, what if it’s not about you?

Am I allowing my partner’s words or actions to define me?

Betrayal rarely comes without some sort of gaslighting or emotional abuse. Are you permitting your cheating partner’s words to or about you to take up residence in your mind? Are you taking the blame for their actions? Or, are you letting them convince you that you are not enough?

I ask you this – Why would you let a person of questionable character determine your worth?

Now that this has happened, what could my partner do to make it better?

This is a telling answer. If you respond with, “Nothing,” then it’s a sign that it’s time to move on. If your partner is forthcoming, remorseful and working towards change, you may a different answer.

Either way, there are limits to what your spouse can do. They cannot wipe your memory clean. Nor can they instantly restore trust and security. They can help you bandage the wound, but ultimately healing is up to you.

What insight does learning that I’ve been cheated on give me into myself?

I know. This is a big ask.

I’ll share my own insight to help give you some ideas.

My own parents divorced when I was a child and my dad moved across the country. He never actually abandoned me – there was an open line of communication and the child support was always on time. Yet, once my husband left, I realized that I harbored a fear of abandonment that traced back to my parent’s divorce.

That fear made me shy away from confrontation with my husband. It allowed him to easily manipulate me into believing what I wanted to be true. I certainly didn’t cause my husband’s cheating, but I didn’t allow myself to see it coming either.

Since the betrayal, I’ve found my confidence. My fearlessness. My fight. I’m no longer afraid of being abandoned because I know that I’m enough on my own.

So how about you? What have you learned about yourself now that you have been cheated on?

What do I want to do now? Do I have to make a decision immediately?

When you find out you’ve been cheated on, it’s common to want to make big sweeping changes. To run away from the entire situation and pretend that it was all a terrible dream.

Yet, as you’re probably aware, your thinking isn’t very clear right now. Your rational brain may feel like it has vacated the premises and has been replaced by some primal and instinctual beast.

Identify those actions that need to happen now and allow the others to wait until your brain is fully operational again.

Who do I have in my life that you can talk to without concern of judgment?

Betrayal is weird. The ones who do it often seem unscathed. And those that are its victims often carry the shame, enhanced by the judgment of others (“What did you do to make them cheat?” is the scathing undercurrent in many exchanges).

When you’re processing the aftermath of being cheated on, you need people in your corner. People who will listen without undue criticism and will not shy away from unpolished emotion.

What areas of my life have been relatively untouched by the betrayal?

Betrayal – and divorce if that’s in your cards – have an impressive way of impacting seemingly every area of your life. Even those regions that are on the surface, completely unrelated.

But look deeper. Do you have anything in your life that is still unchanged? A hobby? An interest? An acquaintance at work that doesn’t know about your situation?

I bet you do.

Make note of these. They are a precious reminder that there is still life in you now and that there will be life again when this is all over.

What warning signs of cheating are only visible to me in hindsight?

Now that you’ve been cheated on, do you know what signs to look for?

I bet you do.

Some signs can be quite subtle, can’t they? And then there’s the part that nobody tells you about – the internal (and often subconscious) bargaining and flat-out denial about what you’re seeing.

I think that’s the biggest lesson from the clarity of hindsight. If cheating is happening, there will be no head in the sand again.

How does this impact how I view relationships?

Once you’ve been cheated on, you lose some of your innocence around relationships. Examine your feelings. Are you painting all men or women with the brush tainted by your cheating spouse? Or, are you swearing off relationships altogether?

Being cheated on will change you. Make sure you remain aware of those alterations and that you steer them in healthy directions over time.

Because that’s the biggest question to ask yourself –

How am I going to not let this pain define the rest of my life?

The Love You Find When You Struggle to Love Yourself

Posted on by stilllearning2b

We’ve all heard it so much that it has become trite – “You have to love yourself before someone else can love you.” There’s truth in that statement because when we look for love outside of ourselves before we’ve found it within, we’re likely to end up in one of the following relationships:


Accepting Mistreatment

This is perhaps the most tragic result of a lack of self-worth. When you don’t see yourself as worthy, you’ll put up with a lot of abuse and neglect because you believe that is what you are worth.

This pattern is self-perpetuating. The abuser needs you to believe that you are less-than so that they can continue their threats and mistreatment. Their negative words join those that already reside inside your head, creating a cacophony of self-hate.

Perhaps this pattern is anchored in childhood or maybe it became learned during adulthood. Regardless of its origin, the first step in breaking out of an abusive relationship is believing that you deserve better. Because you absolutely do. The way they are treating you says more about their demons than you’re worth. Never forget that.

Tolerating a Controlling Partner

Some partners fall short of abusive, but they seek to unduly influence others because of their own fears of being rejected or abandoned. When your sense of self is low, it’s easier to accept this power imbalance because you doubt your own contributions.

When you don’t believe that your words matter, it’s hard to speak up. If you constantly downplay your ideas, you’re leaving a void for someone else to fill. When you allow someone else to make decisions for you, you’re communicating that they have more value than you.

Practice small. Set some easier boundaries. Practice having the difficult conversations. Build your confidence. Your words matter. Your ideas matter. YOU matter.

Acting As a People Pleaser

Not all relationships that come from a place of lacking self-love are abusive or controlling. Sometimes, the damaging patterns are much more subtle and may even be mistaken for a positive trait.

When you struggle to love yourself, you are holding onto a fear that others will not love or accept you. Often, this fear manifests in desperate – and often unhealthy – attempts to make others like you or to make yourself indispensable to them. These actions can serve to keep people in your life, but you’ll always wonder if they love you, or merely what you can do for them.

The same actions have an entirely different feeling when you’re doing them from a place of service or generosity instead of fear. Practice separating who you are from what you do. Put safeguards in place to ensure that you’re not giving more of yourself than you can afford. And make sure that when you’re trying to please others, that you place yourself on that list too.

Afraid to Leave Yet Not Happy Staying

Are you staying with the wrong person because you’re afraid of never finding someone else that will love you? When you harbor a belief that you’re lucky to have found someone that thinks you’re worth their time, you become paralyzed within that relationship, afraid to leap because you’re convinced that there is nothing else for you.

When you’re struggling to love yourself, the thought of being by yourself is terrifying. After all, who wants to spend every day alone with somebody they don’t like? As a result, you may elect to stay with someone…anyone to avoid being alone.

Make learning to accept yourself your number one priority. Learn to be okay – or even happy – in short stints by yourself. Slowly increase the duration until you start to believe that you are enough all on your own. You don’t need anyone else to complete you because you’re already whole.

It Starts Here…

We all want to feel loved and accepted. When we don’t feel that way towards ourselves, we often attempt to seek it from an external source, believing that we will be okay once somebody loves us. The problem with this belief is that it has it backwards – Love from another doesn’t make you accept your own worth. Your own worth attracts love from another.

The first step to finding a healthy relationship with another is creating a healthy relationship with yourself.

It all begins with you.

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Posted on by stilllearning2b

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Six Ways We Hurt the Ones We Love

Posted on by stilllearning2b

My ex husband used to tell me, “I’ll never hurt you.” I knew it was bullshit. After all, the ones we love are also positioned to hurt us the most, even when it’s unintentional. Yet even though I knew his statement was wrong, I chose to believe him. Because I wanted it to be true.

In contrast, my now-husband will occasionally say, “I will hurt you. And you will hurt me.” I don’t necessarily like to hear it (after all, it’s not what I want to be true), but he’s right.

At some point, in every relationship, we hurt – and are hurt by – the ones we love.

Yet all those hurts are not the same. This is definitely one of those cases where the intention behind the act matters as much as – or even more than – the magnitude of the emotional injury.

1 – We Hurt the Ones We Love Inadvertently

We get careless. Speaking without thinking and making hurtful comments we don’t really mean. Often, we know we’ve stepped over the line as soon as our voice leaves our mouth. And apologies – and regret – soon follow.

This type of hurt is especially prevalent when people are busy, preoccupied or tired. We can try to mitigate it by taking a few moments to decompress from work before entering the home or being careful about topics broached when stress is high. Regardless, as long as we’re human, this sort of accidentally trespass will happen. Apologize, acknowledge the hurt feelings and move on.

2 – We Hurt the Ones We Love Unconsciously

Sometimes we forget that we don’t know everything about the people we love. And sometimes we say or do something hurtful without knowing that it is a tender area.

These are distressing missteps for both parties; one feels badly for the accidental wounding and the other is tending to the wound. At the same time, these can also be healing transgressions, as they provide an opportunity for increased vulnerability and openness.

3 – We Hurt the Ones We Love Cautiously

There are times when getting our own needs met mean hurting someone else in the process. This is deliberate harm, meaning that it is conscious and premeditated, yet it is also compassionate harm because the impact on the other is considered and buffered as much as possible.

Sometimes, hurting others in the short term is both necessary and kind for them in the long run. This is true for everything from administering a childhood vaccination to asking for a divorce in a lifeless marriage. Step carefully and with kindness, but make the needed cuts.

4 – We Hurt the Ones We Love Selfishly

When you hurt someone without regard for their feelings, it is different than the previous method. It’s selfish to act without regard for others when your wants crash against theirs.

This is often the type of hurt that arises from cheating. One partner is feeling unappreciated or ignored and so they seek to meet their desires without considering the pain that it will cause their spouse. Often, they will perform creative cognitive contortions to evade facing the reality of what they’re doing to their partner. In the worst cases, the selfish person then attempts to cover their initial harm with lying, manipulating and/or gaslighting. Jerks.


5 – We Hurt the Ones We Love Instinctively

We know what we have learned. And for those that have been raised in homes where any attention is good attention and abuse becomes muddled with love, they may hurt others from a place of unconscious reflex.

This is a tragic hurt as the contagion of unacknowledged trauma carries forth like a virus, infecting the next in line. And the only way to stop its spread is to face its origin and learn how to neutralize its power.

The hurt that radiates outwards from addicts, often leveling those around them, fall into this category. Yes, their actions are selfish, but they are operating at an instinctual level in an attempt to meet their needs.

6 – We Hurt the Ones We Love Intentionally

It’s difficult to accept that this is even possible. How can you love someone and yet seek to hurt them at the same time? Yet it is not so unusual for us to simultaneously possess such diametrically opposed – yet intense – emotions.

For some, it may come from an innate cruelty or disorder, abuse in its most ruthless form. For others, it is a much less harmful, using love testing in an attempt to alleviate their own anxiety.

Hurting the ones we love is inevitable. Yet it is within our power to limit the harm and to take responsibility when it does happen. And when we’re on the receiving end, it’s helpful to consider what may be behind the words or actions that caused pain.


Strategies to Override Negative Thoughts After Divorce

Posted on by stilllearning2b

It is completely normal to be plagued with negative thoughts during and after divorce. It’s a challenging time where you’re facing loss and uncertainty and your prior coping strategies may not be quite up to the task. Here are some actionable strategies that you can employ if you’re struggling with any of these common negative thought spirals after divorce:

Negative Thought – “I’m not good enough.”

This negative thought can arise from any divorce, especially since the end of a marriage often brings with it a sense of failure. It is especially common when there was infidelity or abandonment, as those actions are easily internalized.

If you’re struggling with feeling like you are not enough, try some of the following:

  • Gather up old letters, cards, emails, texts, etc. from people who love and care about you. Assemble these into a “smile file” (this can be tangible or digital) and set aside a few minutes a day to look at it to remind yourself of what others see in you even when you’re having trouble seeing it in yourself.
  • Build up your physical strength or endurance. The interaction between the mind and body is completely amazing. When you begin to feel the strength and capability in your body, you will also begin to believe in your mind.
  • If your ex’s voice is in your head saying negative things about you, take pen to paper (or fingers to keyboard) and refute each and every one of their claims about you. This exercise can help to remove the power that their words have over you.
  • Volunteer. Time spent giving back to others is also time that you’re out of your own head. Additionally, you’ll benefit from seeing the positive impact that you can have on others.
  • Limit your social media exposure. It has a way of bringing anyone down.


Negative Thought – “I wish things could be different.”

This is a persistent negative thought for many people. Some wish they could go back to the way things were (or at least the way they thought things were). Others direct their energy towards trying to get their ex to act or respond differently (which is a frustrating and ultimately fruitless exercise).

If you are ruminating on the past or wasting energy trying to change your situation, try some of the following:

  • Start a daily gratitude practice. I like to use an app for this purpose, but you can also use a journal or even an audio or video recording. These can be brief (1-3 things each day) and simple. They are a powerful reminder that even though you’re dealing with unwanted change, there is still good in your life. And whatever you nurture, grows.
  • Take a piece of paper. Divide it into two sections and label them “Things I CAN change” and “Things I CAN”T change.” Then, brainstorm at least 5-6 entries for each. Commit to spending your energy only on the items in the first column.
  • If you have a tendency to reach out to your ex when you shouldn’t, make it more difficult to contact them. Remove their number from your phone. Block them. Lock your phone in your car when during those periods when you’re more vulnerable.

Negative Thought – “I can’t move on without closure.”

The search for closure keeps many people stuck after divorce. We tell ourselves that we need resolution and answers before we can let go and move on. Yet often, those wished-for accountabilities never appear.

If you’re having trouble accepting a lack of closure, try some of the following:

  • Start a journal. Focus your entries on those questions that are still haunting you. Explore some likely explanations. Keep going until you land on something that feels like truth. Once you find it, accept it in.
  • Create your own closure ceremony. Perhaps you burn old photographs or repurpose your wedding dress. Take something that had meaning in your old life and metaphorically (or literally) bury it.
  • Complete this sentence, “Because this happened, I have learned…” Once you can identify what you have learned from an experience, you have moved forward from that experience. The lesson IS the closure.

Negative Thought – “I’ll never be happy again.”

Divorce can be a heavy, dark cloud obscuring any hope for happiness. It’s easy to buy into “the good old days” and assume that the upcoming moments will continue to be bathed in darkness.

If you’re mourning the loss of the life you had and wondering if you can ever be happy again, try some of these:

  • Spend time in nature. It has an amazing way of reminding us that death and renewal are natural cycles. Marvel at the new growth fed by the decaying matter. Delight in the sliver of sunlight peeking through the clouds. Soak it in. All of it.
  • Set yourself up for laughter. Go see live comedy (even if you’re by yourself). Rewatch your favorite funny movies from your youth. Try puppy yoga (seriously, it’s impossible to keep a stoic demeanor). If you prime the pump for levity in these small ways, you’re setting the stage for something bigger.
  • Schedule smiles. Put one small thing on your calendar every week that you look forward to. Every 1-3 months, schedule something bigger that you enjoy. Don’t allow yourself to talk yourself out of these. It’s easy to get caught up in the, “I won’t have without my partner.” But that sentiment is only true if you allow yourself to believe it.
  • Have conversations with an elderly person who has a positive outlook. Ask about their experiences. Most likely, they have endured several upheavals in their life that they worried they wouldn’t recover from. And yet they did.
  • Write down the expectations you had for your life that you now fear are gone. Analyze them. How many are TRULY out of the realm of possibility now? I bet it’s fewer than you thought.

Negative Thought – “Why did this happen to me?”

When life throws curves that cause us to careen off course, we often wonder what we did to deserve such fate. It feels unfair as blows reign down on our unsuspecting frame.

If you’re feeling victimized or consumed by thoughts of rumination and self-pity, try some of the following:

  • Read either fiction or memoir that features people overcoming obstacles. Not only is it motivating, it helps to remind you that bad stuff happens to good people all the time and that people often overcome great obstacles to become great.
  • Identify a way that you can create some purpose from the pain. Can you reach out and help others that are experiencing similar? Are you able to apply your knowledge and skills to assist people that are also facing this situation? Maybe your gift comes with an artistic bent, using this to fuel your creative endeavors.
  • List your particular traits that make you better able to handle this situation than somebody else. Are you a good problem-solver? Maybe you’re amazing at networking and bringing people together. Whatever your strengths, focus on how they can help you now.
  • Occupy your mind. An idea mind often wanders to the past and gets lost there. Put structure in your days to limit your down time. Add activities that keep you busy and keep you moving.

Negative Thought – “This is too overwhelming.”

Moving on from the pain of divorce and rebuilding a new life are huge undertakings. If we had the means, I’m sure we would all love to hire an entire team to help. But more often than not, we’re left to do it alone.

If you’re feeling paralyzed by the sheer enormity of the challenges in front of you, try some of the following:

  • Identify a very small step that you can take immediately. And then, before you have a chance to overthink it, act on it. Inertia is a powerful force, yet it only takes the smallest nudge to upset it.
  • Channel your stubbornness and determination. Find a picture of you that represents your inner strength to you. Put it where you can see it along with a promise that you WILL recapture that spirit again.
  • Create accountability in your life. Enlist technology to remind you to tackle the small tasks and friends to ask if they have been crossed off the list.
  • Link things that you have to do with things that you want to do. Make all the calls to your lawyer with your favorite cup of coffee in your hand or only wear your favorite socks when you’re on your intended walks.
  • Create a doable, but challenging goal for yourself. There is great power in a finish line as it provides both a needed distraction and the motivation to keep moving.