The Importance of Feeling Safe in a Relationship

Posted on by stilllearning2b

When you don’t feel safe in a relationship, your focus shifts from connection to protection.

Instead of turning towards your partner, you’re turning inward or turning away in an attempt to avoid a sense of increasing danger.

And relationship safety is often misunderstood. We tend to oversimplify the state; believing that as long as physical threats are not present, there is no reason to not feel safe (yet there are many ways that we can feel emotionally unsafe in relationships). Additionally, we often dismiss or misinterpret feeling a lack of safety in a relationship. We may chalk it up to our own insecurities or blame it on anxiety arising from within.

You also may be unintentionally behaving in a way that lessens your partner’s sense of safety in the relationship. And so that disconnect or tension that you may sensing could be their attempt to protect themselves.

What Does Not Feeling Safe in a Relationship Look Like?

  • Not knowing what to expect from day to day or moment to moment.
  • A hesitancy to initiate affection or intimacy because of a pattern of rejection.
  • Biting your tongue out of a fear of the repercussions of speaking your truth.
  • Your emotions being mocked or dismissed.
  • Always being asked to change your appearance or demeanor in order to be accepted.
  • A feeling of walking on eggshells because of repeated emotional outbursts or unexpected and over-the-top reactions.
  • Intimacy and connection are used as both reward and punishment – if you’re “good,” you get attention and if you’re “bad,” it’s withheld.
  • A feeling that you have to put on a front or hide certain aspects of yourself in order to avoid rejection or ridicule.
  • Your partner frequently threatens to leave or divorce.

What Characteristics Make People Feel Safe in a Relationship?

Physical

Your partner doesn’t hit you, hold you down or use their body to intimidate you. You don’t expect a physical altercation and you don’t flinch when they reach towards you. If you are hurt or ill, they will attend to your physical needs. If you reach towards them, they accept your touch. Any physical rejection is done with kindness and not blame or shame and sexual activities are never forced or coerced.

Consistency

You generally know what to expect from your partner and your relationship. Their actions and reactions are familiar and somewhat predictable. Additionally, except in extreme cases, emotional responses are not over-the-top and are appropriate for the situation.

Authenticity

You feel like you can be you. The real you. You don’t feel like you have to hide or pretend in order to be accepted. You can speak the hard truths without fear of overreaction or detonation. You also trust that your partner is revealing their true nature and that they are not holding back anything of importance. An authentic relationship is not always happy, but it’s also not hiding anything.

Vulnerability

You can be weak without fear of being taken advantage of. You can reveal your fears and insecurities without ridicule or emotional blackmail. You feel like it’s okay to not be okay and that a temporary state will not become a permanent point of contention.

Acceptance

You feel listened to. Valued and valuable. Your partner doesn’t try to change you or frequently compare you to others. Criticisms are aimed at your behaviors rather than at your core self. They accept you as you are, not as they want you to be. Any requests or encouragement towards change is both fair and approached with your wellbeing in mind.

The Link Between Relationship Safety and Anxiety or Insecurity

Our primary relationships often set the tone for the rest of our experiences. We expect to be able to come home and relax our guard, to be authentic without the risk of excess judgement or the fear of being taken advantage of. To be our best, we need our relationships to be our stable ground from which we grow into the rest of our lives.

And so when home is more unpredictable wobble board than sanctuary, the effects extend outwards. Much like an infant with an insecure attachment to a parent shows less confidence in exploring the world, an adult that doesn’t feel safe in their primary relationship may hesitate to to take risks or be prone to excess worry.

Of course, not all anxiety or insecurity is relationship-based. Yet if your symptoms increase when you’re around your partner or are primarily present at home, this may the root cause of your stress. Also pay attention to a lasting sense of “walking on eggshells.” This feeling is common during times of stress or transition, but if it continues, it indicates that you are afraid of triggering a reaction.

Often people are surprised when they feel calmer and more confident when a significant relationship ends. But it’s not surprising at all when they never felt safe within that relationship.

How Past Betrayal and/or Abandonment Impact Relationship Safety

Part of the trauma of both betrayal and abandonment is that they destroy any sense of safety. And those effects are lasting, even following you into a new relationship. This is especially true if you felt safe and secure until the moment you realized that the firm ground was instead an illusion crafted to keep you unsuspecting.

A sense of safety is related to trust, yet it is also its own domain. Trust comes down to believing that your partner’s actions align with their words. Safety also relies on a sense of consistency and acceptance. And both obviously suffer after betrayal or rejection.

If you have experienced this kind of relationship trauma, it will be some time before you feel steady again, no matter how secure your footing. Part of the healing process is learning what is a true danger and what is merely a malfunctioning alarm.

The Limitations of a Safe Relationship

There is no such thing as a fail-proof relationship. It is impossible to be involved with another person and never feel hurt or disappointed. Feeling safe in a relationship does not mean that your emotions will never be bruised. Instead, it comes down to trusting that your partner will never internally seek to harm you and if they do misstep, they will take responsibility for their part in the transgression.

The Powerful Benefits of Feeling Safe in a Relationship

Safety is a primary need. Without a sense of safety, much of your energy is extended towards being ready to run, hide or fight if needed. And when that need is met, your energy is freed towards growth and you feel securely anchored enough to take risks in other areas.

When at their best, our relationships give us both the firm ground on which to stand and the encouragement to extend beyond our perceived limitations.

 

When They Say, “You’ve Changed”

Posted on by stilllearning2b

“You’ve changed,” they say to you.

Feeling like an accusation.

Implying that if you hadn’t transmuted, then things would still be fine.

The first reaction is defensive.

“No I haven’t!” you insist, even while on some level being aware that as a living and adaptable being, you of course have been slowly changing over time.

Or maybe, you go on the attack, “You’re the one who’s changed! You never … anymore!”

Or, “The only reason I … is because you…”

But of course, the real harm in this declaration of change isn’t really the transformation. It’s the implication that you’ve taken a turn for the worse.

But what’s really behind those words? Here are a few possible meanings –

 

You’re Not What They Want You to Be Anymore

Maybe you used to let them walk all over you and you have since developed the confidence and self-awareness to set and enforce boundaries. And so they’re pouting, after being used to getting their way. Or perhaps you used to need them and you have since become more independent. And now they worry that you can be okay without them.

You’ve Grown While They’ve Stagnated

You met when you were young. You had nothing, so there was nothing to lose. But then came family, careers and a mortgage. The responsibilities were higher and so were the stakes. You grew, learning how to handle the stuff that nobody likes to deal with and willingly trading some temporary fun and freedoms for legacy and purpose. Meanwhile, they still act like a college kid living off their parent’s allowance and grumbling that you are not any fun anymore.

 

A Maladaptive Relationship Pattern Has Developed

It doesn’t matter who started it. One of you did something. The other reacted. And this negativity and ineffective methodology keeps being volleyed back and forth. Their reactions influencing yours and your responses driving their behaviors. Over time, this pattern has become a well-worn groove that has shifted the way you interact with each other and with yourself.

 

Life Has Taken You on Different Paths

And sometimes there’s nothing truly wrong. We all change as we move through through life and sometimes those changes simply take us different directions. “You’ve changed” may mean “We’ve changed” and we no longer fit together. Not as a proclamation of wrongdoing or blame, but simply as an admission of fact.

Guest Post: A Letter to Myself

Posted on by stilllearning2b

 

Dear Adriana 2017 by Adriana Verdad

 

A letter to myself in 2017, when I was in the beginning, and the thick of the terror, harassment, and extreme emotional abuse. At that time, I was living on Mountain Dew and cigarettes. I didn’t sleep, or eat. I had lost 20 pounds in two weeks, and I felt physically terrible, emotionally drained, tired all the time, and my heart raced constantly. I was in terrible shape in every sense of the word. Looking back on my facebook memories has reminded me of this time, and how different this summer is, in every way. I wish I could go back and tell myself things, to help ease my pain. Here is what I would say to her. 

 

Dear Adriana two years ago,

You’re tired, I know. You’re not sleeping, or eating, and you’re not well, but I want to tell you that you will be okay. I promise. I know.

First of all, don’t let him get to you. He can’t take your kids away, and there’s going to be no trial like he threatened constantly. There won’t. The divorce will be difficult, and long, but it will be mostly you emailing with you lawyer, and calls with her. He will still harass you, repeatedly, and often, but it will get better than it is now. He will move out, not soon enough, but when he does, life will get so much better. It will just continue to get better, after the divorce is final, and after he remarries, it will only continue to improve each step along the way. Trust me.

You’re taking all the right steps, dear. You are. You’re working hard, and finding new jobs. You are making more money, and setting some aside. Keep doing that love, you’ve got this. Trust me. Two years from now, you’ll be on the eve of starting a great job, making good money, and your life will be totally different, and better. Stay the course when it comes to hustling sister. You are one badass, and you will hit bumps, but keep going. You’re going to find your way out.

 

Breathe. Often, and a lot. Breathe. Deeply.

 

That guy you’re talking to right now, stop. He’s a narc too. Stay away from him. No, he’s not going to rescue you. No one is coming to rescue you. Spoiler alert- you are going to rescue yourself. You are going to fight, and come out of this so much stronger. Much, much stronger than what you can even imagine. You are going to get to where your X’s texts make you laugh, or don’t even phase you. You are going to lose a couple jobs. You are going to find that your home, was always where you were, but you needed to find yourself to come back home.

You are going to cry sometimes. You are going to have days where you leave the bed for the couch. You are going to be lonely. You are going to get hurt. Again, and again. You are going to be okay. You are going to discover just how strong you really are.

I know you feel so alone right now. You’ve lost your marriage, your family, your friends. I know that you don’t even realize the power of the woman inside you, but she is there, my love. She has been pushed down long enough, and while it won’t happen overnight, you are going to uncover a better person than you thought you were. You’ll be far from perfect. You’ll still talk too much, and about yourself a lot, but the difference is, you’ll be more selfish. In a good way. You’ll still be generous to others, don’t get me wrong, but you will make sure that you are good. When you are not good, you will take time to rest. You will take care of yourself. You will do that which you’ve never done before. You are going to realize you’re a better mother, and person, when you heal what it ailing you.

You will be financially stable, to a point. But you will eventually get to where you’re able to set money aside. Did you hear that? On your own! On less! You’re going to rock at the other side of your life.

You’re going to be single for awhile though. And you’ll be okay with it. You’re going to fall in love, once, maybe for the first time, and it’s going to hurt like hell, but stay true to yourself, and always love yourself more than you love anyone aside from your kids.

 

Love yourself.

 

All those things he says. They’re not true. I know you know some of them aren’t, but he’s hurtful, and a monster. Breathe. You are going to get further away from him.

When he gets remarried, right after the divorce, remember that that’s more people to love your kids, and that’s never a bad thing. Love her. Forgive her. It seems like she took a lot from you, but she hasn’t earned anything but a false life that you used to have. She didn’t help destroy anything, because there was nothing to destroy. Hard facts.

Don’t go back to the first guy you’re going to date. After he dumps you the first time, move on. Seriously. Just don’t look back, he’s not worth your time. In fact, most of them aren’t. Nay, none of them are, so don’t kill yourself trying to make it work. Trying to make anything work, You’re better than that.

That brings me back to the one who will steal your heart, and bewitch you body and soul. I know you’re hopeful that it will happen someday, but I can’t tell you how that one will end. I know you feel seeing him is better for your soul, than not having him in your life at all, but only time will tell if that’s the case. I know that right now, my soul needs to see him, but I don’t know that will always be the case.

Don’t pay for dating sites.

You’re going to spend your money wisely, mostly. You’re going to get your bills paid for the first time in your life. You’re going to set aside money to take your kids to see the ocean, and do a little light travelling. You’re going to do awesome! Keep your head up. I know right now you have nothing, but that will change. And you will face big bumps, but you will make it out of this. Trust me.

Don’t sleep with the Sheriff’s Deputy. Don’t. Just don’t.

Do sleep with the cop.

Have great sex. Have no strings attached sex. Enjoy yourself. Explore. Seriously. Let loose, but always be safe.

Complain less. Share less of the bad stuff. Share the good stuff. Smile. A lot. All the time. Well, most of the time. You don’t want to look like the village idiot.

It’s okay if you’re not perfect. It’s really okay to be flawed. It’s okay to be sad. And hurt. 

Smoke fewer cigarettes.

Don’t chase anyone. You deserve better than that. If you find you are the only one chasing, try to let go. It won’t always be easy, but try your best. You deserve someone who will chase you.

Quit smoking.

Most of all. You’re doing the right thing. You’re doing the right thing for your kids, and for yourself. Don’t doubt that. Trust me when I say that you wouldn’t believe me if I told you all you are going to accomplish and do over these next couple years. You are going to learn to work on mowers, and cars, and do things that you wouldn’t have dreamed you were capable of doing.

You are going to be fine. No, you are going to be great in the end. You are going to overcome every obstacle he, and life, will throw in your path. 

Keep your head up, and if you’re going through something difficult right now, stay your course. Know your worth. You are going to come out on the other side of whatever is testing you right now, stronger, better, and happier, if you keep your head up. I hope you’ll share these words with anyone who needs to hear them right now.

Much love,

Adriana

 

About Adriana Verdad:

I spent over two decades with a narcissistic sociopath, but after leaving him, I have found myself. I’m learning to love life on the other side of marriage, love, and life. I write so that I can help others learn to love the other side as well.

Check out Adriana’a blog, Love the Other Side!

Let’s Be Friends

Posted on by stilllearning2b

I hear it often –

“After my divorce, I lost so many friends. The couples I knew no longer invited me to join them. It’s like they thought they could only socialize with other couples.”

And that’s sad.

Not only for the single person, but also for the couples.

Because both have quite a bit to offer each other.

So how about it?

Can we be friends?

 

To the Couples –

 

Send the Invitations

Oftentimes, couples refrain from inviting a single person to join out of a concern for them feeling like an awkwardly attached third wheel. Instead of assuming that they don’t want to attend, ask and let them decide for themselves. If they decline, that doesn’t necessarily mean that they will never have an interest. Give them a little time and ask again.

 

Save the PDA and Inside Jokes For Later

In order to allow the single friend to feel included, make sure that you’re not acting in an exclusionary way. You don’t have keep your partner at arm’s length, but this probably isn’t the best time for an extended make-out session either.

 

If the Single Person is Recently Divorced, Allow Them to Set the Tone Regarding “Ex Talk”

Maybe they want to engage in a little ex-bashing or maybe they prefer to keep quiet. Either way, allow them to dictate when and how much they say about their situation. Sometimes, couples want information about a breakup in order to reassure themselves that they’re “safe” from a similar outcome. That’s your stuff to deal with; it’s not the responsibility of your single friends. And finally, if you”re also friends with their ex, keep that in a separate space unless you’re asked to do otherwise.

 

Be Sensitive to the Emotions the Single Friend May Be Experiencing

It can be an alienating feeling to be around couples when you’ve lost your significant other. There may be moments of profound sadness and periods of envy. Sometimes, a newly single person finds it too difficult to be around couples, especially ones that were part of their old life. None of this is a reflection on you.

 

To the Singles –

 

Communicate Your Wants and Feel Free to Initiate

Maybe you want to get together but you need a little time to get yourself together first. Or, you find that you do better with small groups instead of a triad right now. Communicate what it is you’re okay with right now. Furthermore, if you want contact, initiate contact. Too passive of an approach can easily be read as disinterest.

 

Be Thoughtful About Who You Unload Your Emotional Struggles On

If you’re dealing with a lot of emotion right now, you will need people to talk to. Your couple friends may not be those people. As you know, the thought of losing a partner is terrifying and so the couples in your social circle may need to keep that thought at a safe distance. And unfortunately, you are a reminder that loss can happen.

 

If You’re Experiencing a Sexual Reawakening, Express it Elsewhere

After divorce, it’s common to have an excess of sexual energy. There is nothing wrong with this, but also direct that energy away from your coupled friends. One of the reasons that the newly divorced tend to be exiled is the fear that they will “steal” a partner. Don’t give that fear any fuel.

 

Be Sensitive to the Emotions One or Both People in the Couple May be Experiencing

One or both partners may be doubting their own marriage and they might be envious of your freedom. Alternately, they may be terrified of their relationship ending and you’re walking proof that it could happen. None of this is a reflection on you.

 

It’s a shame when people that like each other and have a shared history end a friendship because of a status change.

Coupled or single…

Let’s be friends.

Owning Your Ugly

Posted on by stilllearning2b

I was tagged on Twitter yesterday as someone who “owns her ugly.”

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It made me smile.

And then it made me reflect.

You see, I didn’t always own my ugly.

In fact, I engaged in all types of mental gymnastics to wall myself off from it and to distract others from looking at it (Hey! Look over here!).

I was afraid that by allowing others to see my ugly, I would give them a reason to leave me.

And abandonment has always been my greatest fear.

But that’s silly, isn’t it? Not the fear of being abandoned. That’s a very real monster. But the thought that I could somehow fool people (and I’m including my ex-husband in this category) that I didn’t have any ugly.

Because we ALL do.

We all experience motivations at time that are ego-driven. We all fail to fully listen to others at times and instead assume what we want to believe. We all can overreact to something in the present when it twinges on a nerve laid down in the past. We all can allow our insecurities to dictate our actions.

We all try. And we all fall short sometimes.

 

 

This particular group on Twitter has been brought together through the experience of infidelity. Some were the unfaithful partners and some are the betrayed. It’s easy when you’ve been cheated on to spend your energy pointing fingers at the unfaithful partner. It’s a lot harder to look at yourself, especially when your own ugly seems so minimal when placed next to something so horrific as an affair.

But that doesn’t mean it’s not important.

In fact, it’s critical. At least if you want things to change.

 

I can identify three different iterations of ugly in myself that surrounded my husband’s infidelity:

 

Reactivity

In a purely hypothetical, if my ex-husband had come to me and revealed that a friendship with a woman had started to cross some boundaries, I would have screamed at him, cried until my face was purple and swollen and made him feel “less than” for even having an attraction to someone else.

My reaction would have been fear-driven (What if he decides he likes her more than me?), but it would act to intensify my husband’s shame as well as encourage him to hide things from me instead of bringing them out into the open.

Related: The Unintended Consequences of Overreacting

 

Righteousness

This was at its ugliest right after my husband left. I felt like I had some sort of moral superiority over my ex, yet under that guise of virtue was really a desire to punish and a need to be loved.

When he left, my ex was generous with his criticism of me, painting me as materialistic, negative and unaffectionate (none of which are my brand of ugly). And so I became defensive, needing to prove that he was bad and weak whereas I was good and blameless.

And yes, unlike him, I was faithful in my marriage. I never lied to him or withheld important information. But that doesn’t make me better than him. It just makes me different. For a time, I thought that admitting to my own weaknesses would justify what my ex to me. But that’s not the case. No matter my uglies, he’s still responsible for his choices. That part is all his to own.

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Victimhood

“Look what he did to me!” I would cry out to anyone who would listen. “Look at these unjust wounds!” I would exclaim, detailing the exact nature of his betrayals. It felt good in the moment as others would rush to comfort me and condemn his actions.

But it also felt disempowering. As a victim, I was faultless, but I was also impotent, unable to change my situation. It was scary to let go of this guise because it meant taking responsibility for my own healing (It was WAY easier to insist that I needed something from my ex to make it happen).

 

Once you own your ugly, three powerful shifts occur –

1 – Nobody can use your ugly against you. Think of it like blackmail. Once it’s in the open, the blackmailer has no power over you.

2 – You are no longer threatened by the ugly in others. You understand that we all have our faults and you respect those that are willing to face and address their own.

3 – Before we own our ugly, we often try to change others. Once you own your ugly, you recognize the power you have in changing yourself.