Been Cheated On? 8 Infuriating Excuses You Can Expect to Hear

Posted on by stilllearning2b

You discovered that your partner cheated.

Whether they decided to come clean or were caught in the act, there are certain excuses that cheaters tend to utter. These overarching phrases have a tendency to try to pass off blame and in doing so raise the ire of the betrayed spouse. Here’s what you’re likely to hear and the important truths that may be hiding behind the words.

“It was an accident.”

This excuse is especially infuriating because it implies that you’re a fool at the same time it completely brushes off any responsibility of the cheating parties. It also confuses intent with action. Even if the decision was not carefully premeditated, there were still plenty of opportunities to make a better choice before the clothes came off.

What it may mean… “I never thought I would cheat. I don’t see myself as a cheater. In some ways, that made me more vulnerable to the bad decision because I didn’t think that it could happen to me.”

“But I still love you.”

Sometimes this is uttered in an attempt to retain a hold on the marriage, either exclusively or in addition to the affair partner. Other times, it’s delivered as part of a “smoothing over” campaign, trying to limit the fallout from the affair. Sometimes the cheater honestly seems to believe that love fixes all. Including betrayal.

What it may mean… “I do love you. But I’m realizing that love is a lot harder than I expected. I’m afraid of losing you and I’m also afraid of being honest with you (or myself). But more than anything, I’m afraid of being alone.”

“What did you expect? After all, you…”

This excuse places the blame for the affair solely on the shoulders of the betrayed spouse. They may be painted as controlling, out of shape or overly focused on the kids or work. This is a devious excuse because there is often an element of truth in their chosen words. However, marital problems warrant a conversation, not an affair.

What it may mean… “I’ve never learned to accept responsibility. From my grades in school to my behavior in relationships, I always pass things off as somebody else’s fault. I don’t know how to admit to messing up.”

“You should have known it was going on.”

Again, the blame is shifted to the partner, only this time because of their trusting nature. Cheaters have a way of thinking that everybody behaves like them. Therefore, it’s your fault that you weren’t suspicious enough. Of course, this excuse conveniently ignores the fact that it’s too late by the time there is something to discover.

What it may mean… “Part of me wanted to get caught. I wasn’t comfortable with what I was doing, but I didn’t feel like I could stop.”

“It didn’t mean anything.”

This is a strange one to hear. On the one hand, it can be comforting to learn that (supposedly) there was no meaningful connection with the affair partner, that it was a meaningless fling. On the other hand, it’s hard to swallow that trust was destroyed for something that lacked significance.

What it may mean… “I don’t want to hurt or anger you any more than I already have. I’m not sure what it all means yet. I’m confused about how I feel.”

“If you were more open-minded…”

Cheaters have a propensity towards selfishness, putting their desires above the wants and needs of others. This excuse is an after-the-fact rewriting of the marital vows that again shifts the culpability to the betrayed partner.

What it may mean… “I’m not sure if traditional monogamy works for me. I’m interested in exploring other options but I’m not yet comfortable or brave enough to have that conversation.”

“I needed to feel appreciated/desired/understood.”

This is one of those excuses that is worth listening to in order to extract the truth within. Not feeling appreciated and desired is a common reason for an affair, the new attention filling the experienced void. Of course, this deficit is only compounded with an affair. A conversation is a much better place to start.

What it may mean… “I’m hurting. I don’t feel like I’m important to you or wanted by you. When the affair partner expressed such desire for me, I felt alive and full for the first time in a long time.”

“It won’t happen again.”

And maybe it won’t. The words here are unimportant; it’s the actions that matter. Has all contact been cut off? Have the reasons for the infidelity been explored? Has responsibility been accepted? If these things haven’t happened, then this is truly an excuse and better ignored.

What it may mean… “At this moment, I don’t plan on ever doing it again. But I also feel weak. Powerless. I’ll try to do better.”

The words spoken by somebody caught cheating are usually a combination of projection (accusing you of what they’re doing), reflection (looking at the reasons for their choices) and misdirection (trying to pass off blame).

For the betrayed, find comfort in the fact that most of their words are about trying to make themselves feel better. Try not to take it too personally. On the other hand, an affair is a wake up call. Make sure you listen to what it’s telling you about your marriage and about how you respond in relationships.

And at the end of the day, accept responsibility for your part but refuse to take the blame for theirs.

And for a positive spin on a totally sucky situation –

When You’re Not Ready to Hear the Message

Posted on by stilllearning2b
not ready to hear the message

“How could you not have known what was going on?” my friend gently implored after learning about my then-husband’s betrayals and deceptions.

“I don’t know!” I lashed out, “I’m not the one at fault at fault here. He lied. He did this to me. He destroyed everything.” The words were sharp in my mouth. My friend’s well-intentioned question felt like an additional attack. A further betrayal. A fire burned in my belly while the gate slammed shut over my heart.

I was not ready to hear the message.

Many months later, my pen explored a version of the same question within the safe confines of my journal, “Why was I not able to see what was going on in my marriage?” This time the question felt different. The threat was gone, replaced with curiosity and a desire to understand myself better. I no longer saw my taking on responsibility for my role in the marriage as absolving him from his role in its demise.

The first time this question was posed, I was not yet ready to hear the message. I was too hurt, too fragile. At that time, all of my energy was directed outwards towards him. It felt safer that way. After all, he was gone and therefore, a safe receptacle for my rage. But to look inward? Well, that was scary. After all, I would have to live with whatever I found there.

When I considered the question again, I was in a different space. Much of the initial anger had faded, like the receding waters after a summer deluge, leaving raised welts behind to show where its power had molded the very earth. I had begun to accept the limits of blaming him. I could scream obscenities at him into the night sky until the stars grew dim, but all that would happen is that my voice would run out.

Blame feels good, but ultimately leads to a dead end.

I understood then why my friend asked that question. She knew that whatever lived inside me that was too scared to see the truth would need to be exposed and explored if I was going to be able to heal from the life assault. And by the time I wrote down that query in my journal, I was ready to do the work.

With addicts, we generally understand that you cannot force them to face their addiction and seek treatment until they are ready. If confronted too soon, they lash back or aggressively deny any claims that they are in over their heads. The addiction wants to protect itself and until its host is ready for the battle, any attempts to dislodge it will fall flat.

Healing isn’t much different. We desperately grasp onto our identity as the hurt one or the victim because we fear that it is all we have left. And so when well-intentioned people suggest that we have some responsibility in our own healing or that the one that hurt us is not all-monster, we become defensive and angry. Not yet ready to hear the message.

Perhaps the biggest gift that time brings is a softening. Like butter left out on the counter on a warm afternoon, we begin to lose our sharp edges and consider that maybe things are not as absolute as they once seemed.

Pay attention to those well-intentioned queries that cause you to pull back like a wound has been touched. Those are the very areas that likely need attention. Maybe not today. But once you’re ready to hear the message.

Six Ways We Hurt the Ones We Love

Posted on by stilllearning2b

My ex husband used to tell me, “I’ll never hurt you.” I knew it was bullshit. After all, the ones we love are also positioned to hurt us the most, even when it’s unintentional. Yet even though I knew his statement was wrong, I chose to believe him. Because I wanted it to be true.

In contrast, my now-husband will occasionally say, “I will hurt you. And you will hurt me.” I don’t necessarily like to hear it (after all, it’s not what I want to be true), but he’s right.

At some point, in every relationship, we hurt – and are hurt by – the ones we love.

Yet all those hurts are not the same. This is definitely one of those cases where the intention behind the act matters as much as – or even more than – the magnitude of the emotional injury.

1 – We Hurt the Ones We Love Inadvertently

We get careless. Speaking without thinking and making hurtful comments we don’t really mean. Often, we know we’ve stepped over the line as soon as our voice leaves our mouth. And apologies – and regret – soon follow.

This type of hurt is especially prevalent when people are busy, preoccupied or tired. We can try to mitigate it by taking a few moments to decompress from work before entering the home or being careful about topics broached when stress is high. Regardless, as long as we’re human, this sort of accidentally trespass will happen. Apologize, acknowledge the hurt feelings and move on.

2 – We Hurt the Ones We Love Unconsciously

Sometimes we forget that we don’t know everything about the people we love. And sometimes we say or do something hurtful without knowing that it is a tender area.

These are distressing missteps for both parties; one feels badly for the accidental wounding and the other is tending to the wound. At the same time, these can also be healing transgressions, as they provide an opportunity for increased vulnerability and openness.

3 – We Hurt the Ones We Love Cautiously

There are times when getting our own needs met mean hurting someone else in the process. This is deliberate harm, meaning that it is conscious and premeditated, yet it is also compassionate harm because the impact on the other is considered and buffered as much as possible.

Sometimes, hurting others in the short term is both necessary and kind for them in the long run. This is true for everything from administering a childhood vaccination to asking for a divorce in a lifeless marriage. Step carefully and with kindness, but make the needed cuts.

4 – We Hurt the Ones We Love Selfishly

When you hurt someone without regard for their feelings, it is different than the previous method. It’s selfish to act without regard for others when your wants crash against theirs.

This is often the type of hurt that arises from cheating. One partner is feeling unappreciated or ignored and so they seek to meet their desires without considering the pain that it will cause their spouse. Often, they will perform creative cognitive contortions to evade facing the reality of what they’re doing to their partner. In the worst cases, the selfish person then attempts to cover their initial harm with lying, manipulating and/or gaslighting. Jerks.


5 – We Hurt the Ones We Love Instinctively

We know what we have learned. And for those that have been raised in homes where any attention is good attention and abuse becomes muddled with love, they may hurt others from a place of unconscious reflex.

This is a tragic hurt as the contagion of unacknowledged trauma carries forth like a virus, infecting the next in line. And the only way to stop its spread is to face its origin and learn how to neutralize its power.

The hurt that radiates outwards from addicts, often leveling those around them, fall into this category. Yes, their actions are selfish, but they are operating at an instinctual level in an attempt to meet their needs.

6 – We Hurt the Ones We Love Intentionally

It’s difficult to accept that this is even possible. How can you love someone and yet seek to hurt them at the same time? Yet it is not so unusual for us to simultaneously possess such diametrically opposed – yet intense – emotions.

For some, it may come from an innate cruelty or disorder, abuse in its most ruthless form. For others, it is a much less harmful, using love testing in an attempt to alleviate their own anxiety.

Hurting the ones we love is inevitable. Yet it is within our power to limit the harm and to take responsibility when it does happen. And when we’re on the receiving end, it’s helpful to consider what may be behind the words or actions that caused pain.


The Cheater’s Playbook

Posted on by stilllearning2b
cheater

My ex left behind a letter, typed and in duplicate, when he unexpectedly exited my life. That was followed a couple weeks later by a suicide (attempted) email, sent to both his other wife and my mother. Since I had no other explanations, I poured over those words for months, looking for answers.

His words were cruel, dismissing my importance in his life and emphasizing his unhappiness (which he blatantly denied up until he left). I internalized his sentences, saw them as a direct reflection on me.

And then I connected with others who had been cheated on and summarily dismissed. I was shocked to hear that they had received many of the same words from their ex.

“Do all cheaters read the same playbook?” we joked.

But behind the quip was something deeper – if they all recite the same lines, maybe those words have more to do with the cheater and less to do with me.

I read the letters again, this time with a different perspective. He was making excuses. Maybe for the benefit of others, but even more likely, in an attempt to assuage any guilt he may have felt over his actions.

The context of these words matters.  People certainly can change and relationships that once were a good fit may not be any more. Some people choose to handle the end with respect for the other person. When these word are spoken in that context, they can be valid and true. Others make different choices and use these words to try to excuse their deceptive behavior and to try to pass blame on to the other partner. In that context, these same words are poison to the receiving end.

If there is a Cheater’s Playbook somewhere, these phrases would certainly be found within:

 

I’ve never felt like this for somebody before.

Hmmm…that’s funny. Because I seem to remember you using some of the same proclamations of love with me that I uncovered with your new paramour.

 

He/she just gets me.

Do they even know you? I wonder what sort of front you have presented and if your mask has had the opportunity to slip?

 

I just wanted a chance at happiness.

So do I. Funny thing, though. I don’t perceive lying to others as a prerequisite for happiness. In fact, if I was hurting someone I cared about, it would make me pretty damn miserable.

 

I haven’t been happy for a long time.

So why didn’t you say something? Spouses certainly get to know one another, but full-on mind-reading is still science fiction.

 

I didn’t mean for it to happen.

Oh, please. You may not have had the intention to cheat from the onset, but you certainly made lots of choices that led you to that conclusion.

 

You’re imagining things.

I wish I was. That would be preferable to realizing the truth, that the person that I loved and trusted most in this world decided to act selfishly and destroy my world as a result.

 

This wouldn’t have happened if you…

Nope. Not taking that on. If there was something you were not happy about, it is YOUR responsibility to bring it up and provide an opportunity for it to change.

 

I never had a chance to…

I am so sorry (said with much sarcasm) that you didn’t get a chance to date/enjoy your childhood/have adult time without children. Choices have consequences. You don’t get to pretend they don’t.

 

I need someone who pays attention to me.

So do I, but you’ve obviously been turning elsewhere. And whatever you nurture, grows.

 

You don’t appreciate me.

Well, I don’t appreciate this, that’s for damn sure. And be honest with yourself, have you been acting in a way that deserves appreciation?

 

You don’t understand me.

You’re right. I don’t. I don’t understand how you could just throw away all that we have worked to build. That’s not who I fell in love with.

 

I’m just not attracted to you anymore.

You know, there have been many moments when I’m not attracted to you. But our vows are bigger than that. Commitment sometimes means putting in the effort to reignite that passion.

 

I never meant to hurt you.

Well, you did a great job of it nonetheless. What exactly did you think the repercussions of this discovery would be? A welcome party for your affair partner?

 

I never loved you.

That certainly fits your actions. I don’t know what’s worse – thinking you could do this to someone you love or realizing that you faked your feelings the entire time?

 

In order to begin healing, I had to realize that his words were projection and misdirection. I had to learn which of them to ignore and which contained some element of truth. Because one thing is certain about cheaters – they lie. And so often the words they share upon their exit are nothing more than little drops of fiction, breadcrumbs that if followed, lead to the wrong conclusions.

Five Surprising Upsides to Being Cheated On

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Nobody needs to tell you about the pain of being cheated on. You’re living that every moment.

Instead, I want you to know about the silver linings that can be found amidst the ruins of the betrayal.