What Would Make it All Okay?

Posted on by stilllearning2b

I used to play this mind game with myself.

I started by thinking it would all be okay if he had to face me. I entertained vicious dreams of inflicting bodily harm in order to make him feel at least a piece of the pain I was experiencing.

But really all that would do was temporarily release the rage while reducing me to the level of a petty crook. And the pain could never compare.

So then I thought that it would all be okay if he was required to spend time in prison. I wanted him to suffer the loss of a life like I had and to be reduced to a bare existence.

But really all that would do was give me a brief respite from the possibility of running into him in public. And it would fuel funny jokes about him dropping the soap.

So I concluded that it would all be okay if he was convicted of the bigamy and had to go through life limited by the label of felon. I wanted his future to be restricted as he destroyed mine.

But all that would do was give me a moment of satisfaction that he was caught.

So I resolved that it would all be okay if I shared his name and picture with the world, shaming him and protecting others from his machinations. I wanted him to face the embarrassment I felt.

But that would only make me look vindictive and would cause me to be ashamed of my own behavior.

So I decided that it would all be okay if he paid me back the tens of thousands of dollars that he stole from my past and robbed from my future. I wanted him to face the fear of living so close to nothing.

But really all that would do is sooth the account woes; the heart would still be shattered.

So then I was emphatic that it would all be okay if I received an apology letter. I needed to know that he felt guilt and remorse for his actions and for the impact it had on me and our families.

But all that would be is a paper filled with words carrying no more meaning than an essay typed by monkeys.

And still I kept trying.

I played out certain scenarios in my mind and found that each time, the relief would be temporary and greatly lacking.

I finally had to accept the conclusion that there was nothing that could make it all okay.

Nothing that is, except myself.

Okay wasn’t going to come from the courts. Okay wasn’t going to be linked to a bank transfer or prison sentence. Okay wasn’t even going to come from him.

I had to figure out how to create okay on my own.

For me, okay was found in creating meaning and purpose from the pain. It came from sharing my story, not to shame him, but to help others. It came from encouraging dialog about abandonment and marital fraud, hoping to protect others. It came from using my rock bottom as a foundation for a better life.

Ultimately, my okay comes from helping others find their own okay.

Your okay is not out there.

It’s in you.

Claim it.

 

Can You Trust Your Partner?

Posted on by stilllearning2b
trust

Trust is a big deal to me. I thought I could trust my ex. After all, I had known him since high school, had unrestricted access to his iPhone and he followed through with his promises.

Oh, except those that had to do with not stealing from your spouse or marrying more than one person at a time.

Yeah.

Obviously, I was on high alert when I started dating again after divorce. One con man husband is enough, thank you.

Hindsight being what it is, I was able to be aware of certain (often subtle) signs that indicate a trustworthy person when I started dating.

You Have Access

I thought I had access in my first marriage. After all, his phone was always out and never unlocked. I was welcomed, even encouraged, to use it, especially because I did not have a smart phone of my own. Of course, he knew I had access to that phone. He either partitioned it, hiding the lies from my keystrokes or, most likely, had a second phone for his second life. I had access, but it was carefully controlled access.

Brock was different. He left me alone in his house early on in our relationship. His phone is locked, but I know there is only one and it or its screen is never hidden. The most important access was that to his friends; he encouraged me to get to know them on my own, not knowing what stories they may tell. There’s no sense of hiding. Of controlling what is seen and what is hidden. It all hangs out.

He/She Reveals the Bad

Be suspicious when someone’s stories always paint him or her in a positive light. Be extra cautious if blame is always pointed elsewhere. Revealing the bad demonstrates that the person is willing to face and accept reality. It indicates they take responsibility for their actions and choices. And it also means they are willing to confide their weaknesses rather than trying to hide them behind a mask.

Friends Stay Around

When I look back at my ex’s life, he tended to have friends for a season. They all seemed to drift away or he would have some reason to cut contact. Now, I realize that the lies became too much to uphold in certain cases and he had to sever the ties.

A trustworthy person tends to have friends that stay around. Look for loyalty on both sides.

He/She Trusts You

Deceivers and manipulators often assume others are like them. If your partner trusts you, it can be a sign that they can also be trusted. On the flipside, also look out for people that seem to trust too easiliy. They may be pretending for your benefit.

Proof That Isn’t Presented

My ex’s stories always had proof. But that proof was carefully laid out or presented for my benefit. It was too neat. Too perfect. A real story will usually have evidence to support it, but the evidence may not be immediately clear or obvious. Trust but verify and approach carefully wrapped proof with a healthy dose of skepticism.

Little Lies

When asked if he wanted to sample a cookie from a shop in the mall, my then-teenage boyfriend replied, “No thanks. I’m diabetic.” He wasn’t. What he was was a lier. Watch out for people that tell those little fibs with ease. They may be practicing for something greater.

Addresses Issues

All relationships have issues. If you want a trustworthy spouse, look for one that will address matters of concern head-on. After all, lies are meant to deflect, hide or redirect. So pay attention to someone who exhibits those tendencies.

 

Ultimately, there are no guarantees that your partner is not lying to you. But pay attention, listen to your gut and trust your instincts and you’ll be okay.

And THAT’S the truth!

 

 

 

Dating After Divorce: Common Pitfalls

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Are you dating after divorce? Here are some common pitfalls to be aware of –

 

I received a message the other day from a woman who was recently divorced after fifteen years of marriage. But that’s not why she was reaching out. She was instead asking for help dealing with the utter devastation she was feeling at the end of a six month relationship.

She seemed surprised at the depth of her response.

I wasn’t.

Dating after divorce is often a journey through murky waters. Every encounter and action can have multiple layers, as we work through the end of one marriage, heal ourselves and learn to be in a new relationship. Those events take time and often result in certain stumbling blocks in dating after divorce.

Beginning Deja-Vu

If you were in a long marriage and you were faithful, it has probably been a long time since you have experienced the particular thrill that can electrify the early stages of infatuation. In fact, the last time you felt that intense passion and excitement may well have been with your ex, back when you thought they were the best thing ever. Anyone can get swept up in the romance of new love, but if you’re associating it with the beginning of long marriage, you’re even more at risk for reading more into it than there is. The beginning is always intense. But it’s what happens after that matters.

The Gift of Hope

When a marriage ends, it’s easy to feel unlovable. Broken, even. This belief is even more prevalent when infidelity or abandonment occurred and a partner is left wondering why he/she is not good enough. It’s common to fear that you will be alone. That no one will want you. When that first glimpse of love again occurs, it is though the clouds parted and let the sun through for the first time after a long, dark winter. It’s a sign that maybe you’re not broken beyond repair and that you can be loved as you are. Be careful, though. Because if you’re projecting damage, you will attract those who want to fix – white knights and enablers. It may feel good for a time, but they need you to remain broken. Is that what you want?

Warp Speed

When one has been married, one knows how to be married. And one often forgets how to date. Recent divorcees are known for rushing in to a relationship and then rushing in to commitment. It’s usually not intentional. It’s just the comfort zone. But getting to know someone takes time. If you’re talking home buying before you have discussed deepest fears and witnessed their most important values, you’re falling in love with an idea rather than a person. Slow down. 

Loss Amplified

Loss often triggers memories of other loss. Especially when a new relationship is entered soon after divorce, healing may be delayed. After all, it’s more fun to focus on the new romance than the demise of the old. But the thing about feelings is that they refuse to stay buried for long. As a result, the end of even a superficial connection can feel immense as it triggers the emotions buried from the earlier loss. What you feel may not always be a result of what just happened; cause and effect of emotion is more nuanced than that.

By all means, go out and date when you’re ready.

But please, keep your eyes open.

Feedback in Relationships

Posted on by stilllearning2b

I had to deliver some staff development today on the concept of feedback in the classroom (please try to restrain your disappointment at not being invited:) ). As I was moving through the material, my monkey mind was making connections to how we give and receive feedback with students and how it relates to feedback in relationships. So even though you missed my presentation this morning, I’ll still share my thoughts with you and feedback and its role in our relationships. Only now the professional dress has been replaced with yoga pants:)

Feedback is Meant to Improve, Not Shame

There’s a TED talks video by Rita Pierson we always watch at meetings where she talks about putting +2 on a child’s paper rather than -18. That’s because the purpose of feedback is to improve, not to punish or shame. Feedback should never be delivered in anger or in frustration. It’s deliberate. Conscious. Careful.

In a relationship, any criticisms or advice delivered in a heated moment will not be received. If feedback is shared in public in a shaming way, no positive change will occur.If your purpose is to make your partner feel badly, you’re bitching, not providing feedback.

Your first responsibility in a partnership is to change yourself – your perceptions, your actions, your responses. Yet there will be times where you need to work to shape your partner’s actions for the betterment of the pair and feedback is a critical component of this. Before you speak, make sure your intentions are to improve, not to shame or blame.

Climate Comes First

The first goal of any effective teacher is establishing a classroom culture where students feel safe and secure and feel comfortable taking risks and making mistakes. If this climate is not present, any negative feedback tends to lead to defensiveness and shutting down. But once this climate is built, students know that you care about them and they are much more receptive to feedback, even if it is negative.

Relationships are no different. We need to feel safe in our partnerships. We need to trust that it’s okay to not be perfect and that a single mistake won’t mean that we’re kicked out. It’s important to establish a relationship climate where both partners feel comfortable voicing their concerns and receiving feedback from the other.

In the classroom and in relationships, building a positive and safe climate takes time. Trust doesn’t occur overnight; it comes from a pattern of action and response. Energy put into developing this environment goes a long way. Brock and I put quite a bit of effort into this early on (using candles as a signal) and that preliminary work has since paid dividends (and the candles have been in retirement for the last year and a half or so).

Goals Must be Clear and Shared

In the classroom, it’s not fair to give students feedback on their progress when they do not know or understand the goal they are trying to reach. Teachers use a variety of methods to communicate learning expectations to the students so that not only do they have an idea of where they are relative to where they need to be, but they have a clear picture of the ideal destination.

We know how important communication is in relationships and how easily misunderstandings can spiral out of control. Just as it’s not fair to berate a student for failing to achieve some mysterious goal, it is unfair to a partner to expect him/her to read your mind and then react with negative feedback when he/she doesn’t make strides to the goal you had in mind.

The learning goals for my classroom are constantly changing (thanks Common Core and meddling politicians!) and goals in relationships are often as malleable as curriculum. It’s important to continually touch base and ensure that the relationship-related goals are clear and shared.

Feedback Should be Formative, Not Only Summative

Teachers divide learning activities into two categories: formative and summative. The former describes the activities that occur during the learning process, such as practice and quizzes. The latter applies to the culminating event, such as an exam or project, where a student is expected to demonstrate mastery of a concept. Effective feedback occurs during the learning process so that the student can shape his or her actions towards the stated goal. It’s not fair or effective for the first feedback to be received when it really counts.

So, as that relates to relationships, don’t do what my ex did. The first time I knew there was a problem in the marriage was when he left with a text message. If there had been formative feedback along the way, there may have been an opportunity to change. There’s often a balance in relationships – sometimes you need to bite your tongue and avoiding bringing something that is minor or fleeting. And you also need to address any issues before they build to a level that destroys the partnership.

If the point of feedback is to improve, make sure that it’s given along with a chance to make the improvements. Otherwise it’s not feedback, it’s just a bunch of red x’s and a big, fat “F.”

Address the Actions, Not the Person

The fastest way to alienate a kid is to attack their person, to imply or state that they are “stupid” or “no good.” They will quickly live up (or actually, down) to the claim. Teachers have to be careful to address issues the kids can control – study habits, practice, etc. rather than things they cannot – learning disabilities, sub par schooling, etc.

We all have innate tendencies and backgrounds that we cannot control. When those are attacked, we shut down as we internalize the message. When you are giving feedback to a partner, be careful not to condemn areas they cannot change or that are an inherent part of who they are. Focus on the actions and behaviors that are transient and reworkable.

Feedback Should be Specific and Actionable

Students don’t grow when they receive a failing grade on an assignment with the implied message “you suck at this.” It’s overwhelming and they give up. Instead, they improve when they are given specific and actionable feedback that addresses one or two areas at a time with recognition given for progress along the way.

Baby steps work for relationships too. Don’t flood your partner with a laundry list of feedback. Start small, focus on one behavior. Acknowledge improvement, no matter how small. Be clear and specific. When the intent is clearly stated, it’s more likely to happen.

 

Just like with teaching, feedback does not only flow one direction. Be open and receptive to your partner’s feedback. Assume that their intent is to make you better.

And remember, we are all still learning. Always.

 

 

To-Be List

Posted on by stilllearning2b

I would wager that barely a day goes by where you are not at least partially driven by a to-do list. Whether scribbled on a slip of paper, stored neatly in your phone’s database or merely a memorized inventory of all that you need to accomplish, you move from one task to another. As you cross each item off the list – laundry, gym, phone call to the bank – you feel a sense of accomplishment. But all too often, that feeling of achievement is short-lived as you look back down at the ever-growing list of tasks that need attending.

 

To-do lists are important. They keep us organized and productive. They help to maximize our time and ensure that necessary items are addressed.

 

To-do lists are important.

 

But they are not everything.

 

Because we are so much more than simply the tasks we accomplish. Our value is found more in who we are than in how much we can cross off in a day.

Learn how to be today!