December Reading List

Posted on by stilllearning2b

These are all articles I’ve collected over the last few months that I wanted to share with you. Some are about healing relationships while others are about ending relationships or how to survive once it’s over. Each one holds some nugget of wisdom that is worth passing on.

So pour the coffee, pull up a chair and get your read on:)

 

Are You In a Relationship With An Unavailable Person? 

This article discusses how we often mistake intensity for intimacy and gives twelve signs to look for in your partner (or yourself!) that indicate that somebody has trouble with vulnerability and connection. Read more here.

 

8 Scientific Facts About Successful Marriages

Some of these are obvious. Others, less so. It’s always good to reminded about what makes relationships – not just marriages – work. Read more here.

 

15 Reasons to Date a Martial Artist

Okay, so I married one. So I may be a bit biased:) Many of these are excellent traits in any partner, not just one who trains. Number 6 was especially key to me after the way my ex handled things. Read more here.

 

5 Surefire Ways to Kill a Relationship

I would wager that if you’re being honest, you would recognize at lease one of these patterns in your own relationship repertoire to some extent. If you name it, you can change it. Read more here.

 

35 Ways to Tell If It’s Over, And to Tell Your Partner

Do you want step-by-step instructions on what to do once you start thinking that the relationship has reached its end? You’ve come to the right place. Read more here.

 

3 Keys to Ending a Relationship With Dignity

If you know you want to end it, this post lists three important ideas to keep in mind to ensure a “good” breakup for you and your partner. Surprising, they don’t suggest ending a marriage via text. Read more here.

 

Your Brain is Nagging You. Here Are 5 Ways to Make it Stop.

Many of these I use with my coaching clients to help them limit intrusive thoughts about an ex. If you find that your brain fixates on thoughts you would rather not have, this is for you. Read more here.

21 Ways to Boost Your Confidence After Divorce

Posted on by stilllearning2b
confidence divorce

Divorce has a way of making even the most self-assured suddenly become full of uncertainty. It makes us question our worth at the same time we are thrust back into the single world, only this time older, heavier, saggier and balder than before. And if you were traded in by your spouse for a younger, skinnier, smarter or wealthier partner?

Yeah.

Regardless of the nature of the split, your confidence is likely sagging after the end of the marriage. Here are some small and large ways you can rebuild your confidence as you work to rebuild your life:

1) Sign up for something with a finish line – This can be a race. A degree program. Anything that has a line to cross and a process to get there. I promise you’ll be smiling when you’ve reached the end.

2) Write and post an achievement list – This is a time to brag on yourself to yourself. Create a list of all that you have accomplished in your life. Post it where you will see it every day. Let it bring perspective that your current situation is only temporary.

3) Invest in an item that makes you feel attractive – I bought one dress that I wore on almost every first date I went on. It made me feel beautiful at a time when nothing else could. Find that one item that makes you feel good and wear the hell out of it. Careful here, notice I said one item. Don’t blow your budget in a quest for confidence.

4) Create a list of goals and track your progress – My goal post lived above my computer for the first year. Every time I felt unsure, I would look to see what I had accomplished and what I still wanted to do. It was motivation and recognition rolled into one.

5) Change your password to an affirmation – In our modern life, we enter passwords all day long. Why not make that password work for you? How would you feel if you typed, “BetterEveryDay” or “IW1llSurv1Ve” several times a day?

6) Flirt and be flirted with – You don’t have to be ready to date to meet someone’s eye and exchange some flirty banter. It feels good to be reaffirmed of your desirability. Go for it.

7) Write the timeline of your divorce and recognize your progress – Often we feel discouraged because we are so focused on the here-and-now that we don’t realize how far we have come. See it. Celebrate your progress.

8) Surround yourself with quotes and pictures that lift you up – Put them on your walls. Your computer. Your phone. Your car. Your jewelry. Let every surface whisper to you.

9) Take a break – Sometimes you just need to step away from it all for a few hours or even a few days. If you can, go on a solo trip. It’s exciting and empowering.

10) Put down the self-help and pick up some fiction – The divorce books have their place, but if you’re needing confidence, trade it in for some great stories about strong protagonists facing and overcoming challenges. The courage is contagious.

 

Continue to read the rest.

 

 

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Gatekeeper

Posted on by stilllearning2b

A marriage should not have a gatekeeper.

Where one party restricts and manages the flow of information into the relationship.

And one partner assumes the responsibility of pre-filtering what the other person sees and hears.

 

A marriage should not have a gatekeeper.

One person acting like a parent who knows what is best for the other.

And one spouse making decisions that impact the relationship without first consulting their partner.

 

A marriage should not have a gatekeeper.

Where fear that your partner may step out of line prompts new guidelines to be followed.

And one individual attempts to control the thoughts and actions of another.

 

A marriage should not have a gatekeeper.

Because the mere presence of a gatekeeper speaks to an imbalance of power, one holding the keys while the other is held.

And a balanced marriage is built upon mutual trust and respect, not confinement and limitation.

 

A marriage should not have a gatekeeper.

A marriage should have two.

Because while one person manning the gate leads to an imbalance, when both partners work as a team to filter what comes into their marriage, they work to make it stronger.

Not with manipulation and coercion, but with conversation and adaptation.

That begins with the acceptance that both partners are whole and capable and can work to strengthen each other rather than restrict each other.

And where the spouses work to hold the marriage together instead of keeping the other out.

Seek to protect your marriage rather than protect your partner.

Be gatekeepers together.

 

 

Growth Mindset in Marriage

Posted on by stilllearning2b

“I can’t do math.”

These are often the first words out of my incoming students’ lips when I first meet them each August.

“Then I’m going to make it my personal goal for the year to show you that you can,” I always respond with an encouraging smile. Because before I can teach them math, I have to teach them that they can do math.

I first learned about fixed versus growth mindsets in my developmental psychology class in college. At its heart, it states that we fall into one of two camps when it comes to beliefs about self – one that asserts that we are born to be good at certain things and inadequate at others and one that maintains that we can always improve.

I was intrigued. Could we really change how people interact with the world and embrace challenge simply by praising their efforts as children rather than their innate gifts?

It seems so.

In fact, I would argue that it is one of the most important lessons, not only for our children, but ourselves.

Because if you believe your nature and abilities are fixed, you are imprisoned by your own beliefs. Whereas if you trust that you can learn from your experiences, obstacles make you stronger instead of holding you back.

A fixed mindset says, “I am my ability.” A growth mindset says, “I am my effort.”

A fixed mindset claims, “The product is all that matters.” A growth mindset responds, “I learn and grow through the process.”

A fixed mindset declares, “My weaknesses are part of who I am and should be hidden.” A growth mindset insists, “My weaknesses show me areas where I can improve.”

A fixed mindset believes in fate. A growth mindset takes responsibility.

A fixed mindset blames and deflects. A growth mindset listens and adapts.

A fixed mindset prefers to live inside a comfort zone. A growth mindset embraces the idea that growth occurs at the edge of panic and ease.

“Growth mindset” is now a buzzword in education as well as business, where companies seek out new hires that demonstrate this trait. Perhaps it’s time for it to become a buzzword in marriages as well.

A fixed mindset seeks a partner who worships and validates you. A growth mindset desires a partner who challenges and encourages you.

A fixed mindset sees a conflict in the marriage as a fatal flaw. A growth mindset recognizes conflict as opportunity.

A fixed mindset feels threatened by feedback and responds defensively. A growth mindset is grateful for the chance to improve.

A fixed mindset creates a marriage that is rigid. A growth mindset leads to a marriage that is flexible and adaptable.

A fixed mindset is driven by a need for approval. A growth mindset is motivated by a need to learn.

A fixed mindset seeks validation outside of yourself and it will never be enough. A growth mindset finds validation within yourself and it will always be enough.

With children, we teach them to have a growth mindset by praising their efforts, “You worked really hard on that project,” rather than their abilities, “You are so smart at reading.” As adults, it is more difficult to adjust our ingrained patterns. But it is not impossible.

Start by identifying one fixed belief you have about yourself (What do you say you “can’t” do?). And then work to change it.

Here’s how I applied that idea in my own life.

A growth mindset says you’re good. And you can be better.

Now go to it!

I Never Loved You

Posted on by stilllearning2b

The gaslighting doesn’t necessarily stop when the relationship ends.

 

“I never loved you.”

“I haven’t been happy for a long time.”

“You’re impossible to live with.”

 

Those were some of the words my ex chose to leave me with in the correspondence he exchanged with my mother. They were little bombs hooked to a timer set to detonate after he walked out the door.

At first, those words devastated me. Could they be true? Was I a wretch? Impossible? Unlovable? Piled on top of the rejection, they were an added kick when I was already down and out.

But then they made me angry. If he never loved me, why would act otherwise so consistently? If he hadn’t been happy for a long time, that was his responsibility to say something and change something. If I was so impossible to live with, why did he live with me for 14 of our 16 years together?

Those parting words were nothing but further fabrications. Gaslighting from a safe distance to try to tamp down any resistance. Perhaps blowtorching would be a proper term here? I’m picturing the scene from Alien:)

Perhaps part of the intent was to maim, but I believe the main goal was to rectify his own cognitive dissonance.

Because when you tell a lie frequently enough, it starts to become your truth.

 

If he believed he never loved me, it made it easier to hurt me.

If he claimed he wasn’t happy for a long time, he could blame it on the marriage.

And if he made me impossible to reside with, it made it easier to walk away.

 

Before you believe the hurtful words your ex threw your direction, make sure to see what they had to gain by them.