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Court Ordered Pause: Part Two

Posted on February 23, 2013March 6, 2024 by stilllearning2b

This is a follow up to Court Ordered Pause.

Wow, you all (or perhaps I should say ya’ll…after all, I am a Texas gal!) gave me quite a bit to think about yesterday. Thank you for the responses from around the globe.

Some of the prolonged waiting periods feel absolutely horrific. My divorce took 8 months due to stalling on the lawyers’ part ($$$) and my ex refusing to cooperate (not producing documents, etc.). Those were the longest and scariest 8 months of my life. I was still subject to his financial and emotional abuses and lived in fear of what bombshell would come in the mail or via the phone each day. I can’t imagine that lasting for years.

It seems like most people are supportive of the reasoning behind a waiting period, but that the actuality is something different. As much as I would like to think that it could be beneficial, I guess it is more likely that in marriages where both partners are willing to communicate and try to work things out, they already have prior to reaching the decision to divorce. And, in cases where they have not, a court order is not going to make them cooperate and it simply becomes a stall on the way to the inevitable conclusion. The courts can control a timeline but they cannot control a person. And, as we all know, it takes two to make a marriage work but only one can destroy it.

Many of you pointed out that there is no waiting period for marriage and suggested that a pause on the front end of matrimony may be more beneficial. I can’t even fathom rushing into marriage, but I know people do. This raises some of the same questions, however. Should there be a process for exceptions (for example, friends of mine fast tracked their wedding because he was undergoing treatment for cancer)? And, again, do we really want the state to make this decision for us?

In an ideal world, people would enter marriage consciously, communicate and work to resolve issues and, if divorce is inevitable, enter into it only after other options have been explored and exhausted. But ideal isn’t real. All we can do is make the best decisions for ourselves and our families that we can in our given situation. As for me, I’m happy to be moving slowly back into matrimony with a guy that doesn’t believe in rushing into divorce while living in a state that allows me to make my own choices on the matter.

Court Ordered Pause

Posted on February 22, 2013March 6, 2024 by stilllearning2b

Brock and I were in the car the other day when an ad came on the radio for a local divorce attorney (these have increased lately – I guess there is some truth to this being “divorce season”).

I barely registered the ad, but apparently Brock was listening.

When the ad came to an end, he turned to me and said, “I think there should be a mandatory six month waiting period for divorce.”

(Note: I know some states currently have a waiting period; Georgia is not one of them.)

I was shocked. Not at the thought, but at the subject matter. Contrary to what you may think, I rarely discuss divorce in my personal life.

My first reaction to his statement was a sense of comfort. I want to marry a guy that thinks divorce should not be a quick and easy solution. I want to marry a guy that doesn’t have a propensity to run away from a challenge. I want to marry a guy that wants to be married.

But it’s not always that simple.

“In most cases I agree with you,” I said, “But in my situation or in cases of abuse, that would have been an additional assault by the courts. It would have left me open to more financial harm while I waited on the calendar.”

I continued, explaining my thoughts on the issue. I like the idea of a mandatory waiting period, be it six or twelve months. It gives both parties the gift of time. Time for counseling. Time to think through the consequences of a major decision. Time to work out the details of the separation of two lives. Ideally, this would be done prior to the decision to split, but we know that is not always the case.

I also think there needs to be an exception. In cases of abuse or abandonment, a waiting period only prolongs the agony and allows more harm to occur. I think there should be a process (that does not require excessive court fees) where the abused or abandoned spouse can appeal for the wait period to be lifted.

But then there is another part of me that thinks it is none of the state’s business. That I should be allowed to marry and divorce without their approval. Is this a slippery slope issue that could lead to more government control or is it a mandate that would help to preserve the family structure?

I would love to hear from all of you. Do you live in a state with a mandatory wait period? How did that affect you?

Do you agree with a wait period? If so, how long? Would you want exceptions?

Follow Up – Court Ordered Pause: Part Two

Embracing the Blues

Posted on February 21, 2013 by stilllearning2b

“My ears are in ecstasy,” whispered Brock as he turned towards me.

He sure wasn’t talking about the dulcet tones of my exceptional singing voice. It may work to help my 8th graders remember the quadratic formula, but it sure wouldn’t lead to any claims of ecstasy.

The sounds that elicited this response were instead coming from the guitar of the young blues master, Jonny Lang.

We were fortunate to be able to secure tickets to see Jonny Lang and Buddy Guy perform at a nearby venue. We were treated to 3 1/2 hours of incredible blues.

The blues were born from suffering, their name taken from the indigo dye used to color mourning garments in Africa. Their simplistic backbone, consisting of a basic chord progression and a liberal use of repetition, allows the emotion behind the music to take center stage. Gifted musicians speak not only of playing the blues, but of feeling the blues. Without the feeling, the music falls flat.

The uniting structure makes the blues predictable yet the freedom to improvise makes the next not impossible to forecast. It is familiar yet volatile.

The simplicity extends to the stage. From the grittiest dive bar to the fanciest hoity-toity venue, most performers dress plainly and shun any fancy stage decorations. Jonny Lang and Buddy Guy were no exception – their entire set-up could fit in a small U-Haul, with the guitars taking up most of the room.

The blues don’t whisper. They don’t speak in nuance and hide behind closed doors. The deep, melancholy tones are played loud, with no shame. There is a repeated pattern of building tension and then release. It is as visceral and cathartic as good cry.

The players stand alone on the stage. They are together yet each is in his own world, bound by the edges of the spotlight. As they engage in call and response, they each speak through the music of their suffering and their own loss, creating a common bond.

The blues don’t rush; there is no hurry to complete one song to move on to another. A tune is played until all of the emotion has been wrung out. As Buddy said, “Don’t be afraid of getting a little funky”.

Blues musicians know that tears and laughter are not mutually exclusive. Many are not afraid of injecting humor into their doleful tunes, the resulting laughter purifying the soul.

The blues started out as way of dealing with suffering, the tunes shared only with friends and family. It evolved into a performance art, the pain transformed into something that could bring happiness to others through a common language of sadness and loss. By embracing the blues, they have created beauty from the sorrow. How can you do the same?

Mental Rehearsal vs. Expectations

Posted on February 19, 2013 by stilllearning2b

What is the difference between mental rehearsal of an event and creating expectations for the event?

There has been quite a bit of research and discourse in the last few years about the nature and benefits of mental rehearsal for athletes and others in positions that require a demanding and skilled physical performance. They are trained to visualized their body working efficiently, picture themselves executing each move perfectly, and feel their mind and body in perfect harmony.

These visualization techniques have since been applied to other areas, demonstrating that mental rehearsal can be a powerful tool for success. Cancer patients picture their T-cells squashing the invading cancer. Surgeons mentally rehearse each step of a complicated procedure countless times before even touching the scalpel. Public speakers view themselves giving their presentation, calm and confident.

For those undergoing a major life transition, visualization can help to calm anxiety and provide hope for the future. You can mentally rehearse for your time in court, visualize yourself becoming whole and happy, see yourself in a new relationship. All of this mental energy can help you on your path to healing.

In all cases, the most important aspect of visualization as a technique to improve performance or outcomes, is that is effectiveness depends upon one’s ability to be self-aware and monitor one’s responses to stimuli.

It is important to note, that in all of these examples, the strategy of mental rehearsal focuses on the individual’s performance, not the behaviors of those around him or her. That is the primary distinction between mental rehearsal and expectations; the former depends upon actions that are largely under your control, whereas the latter is subject to the behaviors of others not under your jurisdiction.

It is all too easy to spend our mental energies building expectations. This strategy will only lead to disappointment; however, as others can never live up to their fantasy counterparts. Many times, our happiest moments are those that caught us unaware, before any expectations had a chance to take root.

Choose where you want to spend your mental energy: building expectations that can be dashed by others or rehearsing you being the best you possible. I know where I try to focus my energies; in fact, I am seeing myself running an effortless ten miler this morning even though it’s frigid outside. Now, let’s see if that image holds once I get that first blast of wind!