The Why Trap (And How to Get Out)

Posted on by stilllearning2b
why

There are so many traps post-divorce that can grab hold and keep you stuck –

The anger trap that convinces you that you won’t be okay until he or she pays for his or her misdeeds.

The fairness trap that insists that all of life’s situations should be equitable and balanced.

The sadness trap that keeps you locked in a mental theater replaying the movies of your relationship.

And the why trap that charges that you will be able to move on as soon as you understand why it all happened.

 

The why trap looks for the reasoning behind your ex’s actions. It seeks to discover a greater purpose for the pain. The why trap attempts to mitigate blinding emotion with the application of rational thought and deliberate thinking. It convinces you that understanding will lead to peace and prompts determined, often frantic, searching for “the truth.”

But it’s a trap for a reason.

The why trap is a sneaky snare. It lures you in with promises of information that will lend sense to the nonsensical. It helps to take you out of the state of overwhelming emotion as you focus on facts rather than feelings. The problem is that there is often no defined end and trying to answer why leads through an endless serpentine labyrinth. And holds you prisoner of your past.

 

I fell into this trap within the first few days. Since he left me with no information, I obsessively gathered all of the evidence I could, uncovering the planned trip to Uganda, the stolen funds and maxed credit and eventually, the bigamy. It did answer some questions. After all, I could see why he was too cowardly to face me. Can you picture it?

Lisa, we need to talk. You know how I said we were on track financially for what we planned? Well, I sort of spent all of that and more on another life. It was an accident. Oh, and you know how just last night I told you how much I loved you and how I was looking forward to the rest of our lives together? Well, I changed my mind. In fact, I just got married to this awesome girl. Would you like the registry information? We really need a mosquito net since we’re going to Uganda in a couple weeks. Why do you look upset?

Yeah, not exactly. So, the early sleuthing uncovered some answers, but it didn’t provide any peace. So I switched gears towards trying to understand why he would do these things. That’s when I devoured books and websites about personality disorders and entertained the labels of sociopath and narcissist.  Here’s my full description of the results of that search.

And it did help some. Even though I decided to ultimately leave him labelless, I gained understanding of the fact that I had been gaslighted and I realized that he had some major issues.

But all that reading and research started to hold me back. I realized I was expending more energy on trying to understand him then on trying to understand and heal myself. And, as I always caution, whatever you nurture, grows.

If I wanted to heal and move forward, that was where I needed to focus.

So I did.

I still don’t know why it all happened. And I doubt I ever will.

But you don’t need to know why to walk away.

 

If you are having trouble with the why trap, here are some ideas to help you get out without having to gnaw off your leg:

Enter your search with intention. Decide what you want to discover and make a pact that once you find that information, you stop.

Set a limit – a timer, a number of books or a number of website searches.

Journal. Often we hold understanding within us and writing helps to release it.

When you feel the urge to dig deeper, try exercising first. Often, the need for information is really just restless and anxious energy.

Complete the sentence, “Once I know …, I will feel…” You may be surprised at how little knowledge really impacts emotion.

If your ex was particularly bad, do you really want to understand them? Maybe not understanding says something good about you.

Pray or meditate to find acceptance. There is much in this world we do not understand. And it’s okay to not always have all of the answers.

Maybe it didn’t happen for a reason, but it happened. Now you can create the reason. You can decide how you want this to fit within your bigger story. Create your own why.

What Would Make it All Okay?

Posted on by stilllearning2b

I used to play this mind game with myself.

I started by thinking it would all be okay if he had to face me. I entertained vicious dreams of inflicting bodily harm in order to make him feel at least a piece of the pain I was experiencing.

But really all that would do was temporarily release the rage while reducing me to the level of a petty crook. And the pain could never compare.

So then I thought that it would all be okay if he was required to spend time in prison. I wanted him to suffer the loss of a life like I had and to be reduced to a bare existence.

But really all that would do was give me a brief respite from the possibility of running into him in public. And it would fuel funny jokes about him dropping the soap.

So I concluded that it would all be okay if he was convicted of the bigamy and had to go through life limited by the label of felon. I wanted his future to be restricted as he destroyed mine.

But all that would do was give me a moment of satisfaction that he was caught.

So I resolved that it would all be okay if I shared his name and picture with the world, shaming him and protecting others from his machinations. I wanted him to face the embarrassment I felt.

But that would only make me look vindictive and would cause me to be ashamed of my own behavior.

So I decided that it would all be okay if he paid me back the tens of thousands of dollars that he stole from my past and robbed from my future. I wanted him to face the fear of living so close to nothing.

But really all that would do is sooth the account woes; the heart would still be shattered.

So then I was emphatic that it would all be okay if I received an apology letter. I needed to know that he felt guilt and remorse for his actions and for the impact it had on me and our families.

But all that would be is a paper filled with words carrying no more meaning than an essay typed by monkeys.

And still I kept trying.

I played out certain scenarios in my mind and found that each time, the relief would be temporary and greatly lacking.

I finally had to accept the conclusion that there was nothing that could make it all okay.

Nothing that is, except myself.

Okay wasn’t going to come from the courts. Okay wasn’t going to be linked to a bank transfer or prison sentence. Okay wasn’t even going to come from him.

I had to figure out how to create okay on my own.

For me, okay was found in creating meaning and purpose from the pain. It came from sharing my story, not to shame him, but to help others. It came from encouraging dialog about abandonment and marital fraud, hoping to protect others. It came from using my rock bottom as a foundation for a better life.

Ultimately, my okay comes from helping others find their own okay.

Your okay is not out there.

It’s in you.

Claim it.

 

Dating After Divorce: Common Pitfalls

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Are you dating after divorce? Here are some common pitfalls to be aware of –

 

I received a message the other day from a woman who was recently divorced after fifteen years of marriage. But that’s not why she was reaching out. She was instead asking for help dealing with the utter devastation she was feeling at the end of a six month relationship.

She seemed surprised at the depth of her response.

I wasn’t.

Dating after divorce is often a journey through murky waters. Every encounter and action can have multiple layers, as we work through the end of one marriage, heal ourselves and learn to be in a new relationship. Those events take time and often result in certain stumbling blocks in dating after divorce.

Beginning Deja-Vu

If you were in a long marriage and you were faithful, it has probably been a long time since you have experienced the particular thrill that can electrify the early stages of infatuation. In fact, the last time you felt that intense passion and excitement may well have been with your ex, back when you thought they were the best thing ever. Anyone can get swept up in the romance of new love, but if you’re associating it with the beginning of long marriage, you’re even more at risk for reading more into it than there is. The beginning is always intense. But it’s what happens after that matters.

The Gift of Hope

When a marriage ends, it’s easy to feel unlovable. Broken, even. This belief is even more prevalent when infidelity or abandonment occurred and a partner is left wondering why he/she is not good enough. It’s common to fear that you will be alone. That no one will want you. When that first glimpse of love again occurs, it is though the clouds parted and let the sun through for the first time after a long, dark winter. It’s a sign that maybe you’re not broken beyond repair and that you can be loved as you are. Be careful, though. Because if you’re projecting damage, you will attract those who want to fix – white knights and enablers. It may feel good for a time, but they need you to remain broken. Is that what you want?

Warp Speed

When one has been married, one knows how to be married. And one often forgets how to date. Recent divorcees are known for rushing in to a relationship and then rushing in to commitment. It’s usually not intentional. It’s just the comfort zone. But getting to know someone takes time. If you’re talking home buying before you have discussed deepest fears and witnessed their most important values, you’re falling in love with an idea rather than a person. Slow down. 

Loss Amplified

Loss often triggers memories of other loss. Especially when a new relationship is entered soon after divorce, healing may be delayed. After all, it’s more fun to focus on the new romance than the demise of the old. But the thing about feelings is that they refuse to stay buried for long. As a result, the end of even a superficial connection can feel immense as it triggers the emotions buried from the earlier loss. What you feel may not always be a result of what just happened; cause and effect of emotion is more nuanced than that.

By all means, go out and date when you’re ready.

But please, keep your eyes open.

Break-Up Advice You Haven’t Heard

Posted on by stilllearning2b

There is no shortage of advice on how to survive a breakup, whether it be a brief dalliance or a decades-long marriage. Much of the advice is sound and can help provide hope and perspective as you face heartbreak. However, when you are facing the intense pain and loneliness of the end of a relationship, you can use all the help you can get. Here are six tips for surviving a breakup that you haven’t heard.

 

“What I Need” Message

Your friends and family want to help you after your breakup, but they may not know how. Send an email or post a message on Facebook that gives your loved ones tangible ways they can help you. For example, I asked my friends and family not to bad-mouth my ex and to send me lots of reasons to laugh.

 

Sign Up For Something With a Finish Line

I ran my first race ever mere months after my husband left. It was a mirror of the challenges that I faced in my life, yet the finish line was within sight and doable. A race of any sort provides you with a purpose and gives you a sense of pride and accomplishment when you need it the most.

 

Journal In Three Parts

Writing is a proven strategy to help you process loss and heartache, yet it only works if you do not use it to fixate on your pain. Structure your journal in three parts and always move through each section in order every time you write: 1) Releasing the Pain – uncensored spewing to release the pain and anger, 2) Solving the Problems – brainstorm solutions and ideas in your life and recognizing what you have and 3) Looking Forward – hope and anticipation for the future. This structure promotes healing and growth while acknowledging the pain.

 

Radical Gratitude

This is no basic gratitude list! Write a list of why you are grateful for your ex and/or your relationship. It will not be easy. Once you have the list, post it where you can see it often. This list forces you to look at the bigger picture and helps you to be thankful for the lasting good that can come from any relationship. You cannot always change your circumstances, but you can always change your attitude.

 

Yoga

Yoga was one of my primary therapists after my divorce. It is much more than glorified stretching; it teaches you to breathe fully, trust yourself and soften to discomfort. The lessons that you learn on the mat will carry over into your life in ways that you cannot even imagine. Plus, many yoga studios are a great place to meet singles when you’re ready!

 

Scheduled Tears

Most people fall into one extreme or another after a breakup – they either ignore the pain completely and use distractions to hide or they wallow in their misery long after the end of the relationship. In order to find balance between these two extremes, try scheduling time to feel the pain. In the beginning, this may be several times a day where you pause and reflect. Later on, you may only schedule your tears once a month or on special days. Regardless, when the reminder sounds, stop and feel. When the time is up, shake it off and keep living – there are smiles to be found amongst the tears.

 

Outsourcing

Posted on by stilllearning2b

You cannot outsource healing. You have to do it yourself.

Therapy, journaling and medication are useful tools. But they are just that – tools. They only work if you do.

Apologies and explanations may feel good in the moment, but they provide no lasting relief. That only comes when you allow it.

Others who have been there may offer guidance along the way, but they cannot take your steps for you.

There are no words that can take away your pain. No actions by others that can relieve your suffering.

You can try to avoid the pain. Distract yourself. Pretend you’re okay.

But that approach never works for long.

Because the only way through is through.

And you can’t outsource healing.

You have to do it yourself.