Sometimes Life is Just Hard

Posted on by stilllearning2b
life hard

“But yesterday was so normal,” the brain kicks up in response to the news.

Turning away from the harsh reality of today.

The chest feels heavy, each breath straining against the bindings of grief. The gut is hollowed. Your body a brittle shell with the fleshy insides scooped out. You feel muted. Distant. A mere imitation of the person you were just yesterday.

The brain dances around the truth like a butterfly in the breeze, landing on the facts for only a moment before taking flight again.

Providing logical arguments that the reality is not real and when it seems inevitably so, offering bargains to alter its course. Because there must be some way to change these unbearable facts.

The whole terrible truth is massive and impossible to fathom, so the brain instead fixates on the inconsequential details. Looking for purpose and seeking a sense of control in a world gone mad.

There are those moments when you forget and a sight, a sound, a smell leads to an impossible expectation. That when dashed, makes the viscera plummet all over again.

Images are seared into your mind, branding you with the sweet pain of burned memory. Replaying like a track on repeat, only the song is a reminder of what you have lost.

The details of daily life, so important yesterday, have faded into obscurity. Have become meaningless. Because in the agony of today, nothing else matters.

Sometimes, we can choose to view the silver linings. And sometimes, there is no sense, no gain and no value to be found.

And in those moments when life is just hard, all we can do is reach out to those around us, be grateful for what we’ve had and learn how to move forward through the pain.

Trusting that hard will become easier in time.

 

How Yoga Can Help You Through Divorce

Posted on by stilllearning2b

I rarely give the advice that people should do a certain thing. After all, we are all different with unique needs and situations.

But today I’m making an exception.

Because this one thing is really that transformative.

If you give it a chance.

Before I explain all of the reasons why yoga will improve your life, I’m going to first dispel some of the myths I frequently hear:

Yoga is not something you have to be flexible to do. In a purely physical sense, yoga is something you do to become flexible. A good teacher can work with you no matter your body type or limitations.

Yoga is not only physical exercise. Yoga is as much in the mind as in the body. In fact, it’s about connecting mind and body. Yes, you get a tight booty but even more importantly, you’ll get a balanced mind.

Yoga is not about wearing the latest tight yoga pants (although you certainly can) or rocking the latest lululemon mat. It’s about connecting breath and movement and as long as your bits are covered, nobody really cares what you’re wearing.

Yoga is not about being trendy. That is IF you find the right studio. Take the time to find the space and the people that fit your needs. Yoga is about connecting with yourself on the mat and experiencing the energy of the group.

Yoga is not one size fits all. You can find everything from super-intense and fast-pasted hot classes to yin classes that often find people falling asleep.

Yoga is not always spiritual. But it can be. Again, look for what meets your needs. Most classes will have some sort of centering and intention-setting at the beginning and some sort of guided meditation/ reading at the end.

Yoga is not necessarily expensive. You can find it taught in churches, community centers and the YMCA. Many communities even offer free classes. And even though it’s not the same as a live class, there are even free videos on YouTube.

Yoga is not just for women. Or skinny people. Or young people. Or [fill in the blank] people.

Do you have a body? Do you have a mind?

Then yoga is for you:)

With me so far? Cool. Now, here’s why yoga is so incredibly powerful for those going through divorce:

Are you feeling sad?

The movement of yoga releases endorphins that help to improve your mood. I recommend a moderate to fast paced movement class (usually called vinyasa) here because it helps to get you out of your head and the pace challenges the body some. If you’re really struggling, try hot yoga, the sweat hides any tears 🙂

Are you feeling anxious or struggling with PTSD-like symptoms?

This was my primary issue and yoga was my biggest ally. I know it seems crazy, but some of the poses cause the mind to panic (especially if it’s a hot class). In life, we’re used to avoiding discomfort. Yoga teaches you to be with it, soften to it and let your breath calm the mind (literally taming the amygdala). Learn those lessons on the mat and you’re better able to handle triggers in the world beyond the studio. Also, it’s worth looking for a teacher who is trained in trauma yoga – they do some incredible work.

Are you angry?

I’m always amazed as the emotions that arise on the mat. And anger is a common one (and not just when the instructor has you doing too much core work!). Good teachers recognize this and even structure classes to elicit certain feelings. And then they carefully guide you to slow your breathing and find your intention again. And that’s a good skill to have.

Are you lonely?

Much of loneliness comes from being disconnected from yourself. And yoga has a way of bringing you home. Apart from that, when you practice in a group, there is an amazing sense of energy that comes from hearing the breath and sensing the movements around you. If you want to chat before or after class, no problem. And if you just want to be left alone, you’ll probably find that people will respect that as well. And if you’re looking for new friends, search out a studio that does day or longer trips (I may go to Costa Rica with my studio this fall!!!).

 

Are you struggling with comparison?

Is Facebook bringing you down with its endless supply of happy families? Is the news that your ex is getting married hitting you hard? Yoga is a great teacher about the danger of comparing ourselves to others. Just the other day, I nailed crow pose (3 times!!!) for the first time ever. I was stoked. The next day, I started to enter the pose, caught sight of the women next to me doing a harder version, and immediately fell. Yoga is a reminder to keep your mind on your mat and disregard what others think of you and what is going on around you. I love when the teacher says something like, “Don’t worry how xyz pose looks on your neighbor. Your body is unique and the poses will look different for you.” YES!!!

Are you engaging in negative self talk?

Try this little experiment – stand in a one-legged balance pose while you’re focused on your breathing. Now, start engaging in your preferred negative self-banter. Did you fall? That’s the usual response. Yoga teaches you to be loving and accepting of yourself exactly where you are. And when you falter, you often get a physical reminder.

Are you worried about finding your sexual self again?

I just read a study recently that practitioners of yoga have better sex lives. It makes sense. You become more comfortable with your body, more in tune with your physical senses and better able to pay attention to details. And you don’t need a partner to get started.

Are you feeling hopeless?

Yoga does a great job of teaching acceptance in the now and faith in the future. It breaks everything down to the tiniest steps and encourages you to always focus on this breath. And then this one. And before you know it, a full hour has passed. You made it. And you can keep making it!

Are you scared and struggling with fear?

One of the ways I learned to trust again was on the yoga mat. You learn that one leg really is enough to hold you and all that trembling is just noise that can safely ignored. You learn that you can lean back in a twist beyond your self-imposed limits. You learn to let go rather than grasp. And you know what? It’s okay. Strangely enough, the slower classes often trigger this panic (and teach you how to handle it) better than the faster ones. In life, we often keep ourselves busy so that we don’t have to feel. This time to slow down is a gift to yourself.

Are you experiencing a lack of control in your life?

Yoga is more about learning to use the muscles you have than building new ones. When you’re feeling shaky and unstable in a pose, all you need is a simple verbal instruction or well-placed hand to guide you and you activate all those little stabilizing muscles you didn’t know you had. You gain a sense of control (and some soreness the next day!).

Are you having a hard time letting go of expectations?

There is a reason that yoga is always called practice. Because it’s never perfected. Yoga teachers coach you not to worry about where you were last week or even the previous pose. Be where you are in the moment at that moment. You’ll learn that the best practices are those that you approach with an open mind.

Are you feeling overwhelmed?

I folded into a half-moon the other day with my hand to the floor (as I usually do). My balance was off for some reason. Instead of giving up, I reached for the block next me and slid it under my hand before resuming the pose. Yoga is full of modifications and props to use when you become overwhelmed. And learning to ask for and receive help is a valuable life skill at any time.

Are you struggling with confidence?

Yoga is accessible to anyone on their first day. Yet there’s always room to improve. And that feeling of accomplishment and confidence when you finally nail that crow pose? Priceless! (Just don’t look over at your neighbor.)

Are you looking for love again?

Okay, I can’t promise that yoga can do this for you. But it can’t hurt:)

Have you tried yoga? What benefits has it given you? 

Are you thinking about trying it? What questions or concerns do you have?

You know my thoughts – Let’s hear yours!

 

5 Steps to Surviving Valentine’s Day After Divorce

Posted on by stilllearning2b

The post-divorce calendar is a potential minefield of emotional artillery, ready to blow at the slightest trigger. Some of these days surprise up with their sudden intensity and hidden significance. While others, like the over-hyped and expectation-laced Valentine’s Day, announce their imminent arrival long before the fact. And that notice gives us time to prepare.

1 – Change Your Mindset

We have been conditioned to believe that when February 14throlls around, it is desirable to be in a relationship and somehow unacceptable to be single.  As though every partnered person will have a good day based solely upon their relationship status and every single person is assured a bad day simply because they’re unaccompanied.

That’s rubbish.

I’ll bet you have had some horrible Valentine’s Days while in a relationship (Can you say “expectations?”) and some wonderful ones without a love interest.

The single most important thing you need to ensure a good Valentine’s Day is not a lover. It’s the decision to have a good day.

2 – Prune Your Newsfeed

Be proactive. If you’re feeling particularly sensitive to the overly saccharine messages being force fed to you by advertisers, strive to avoid them. Use DVR to bypass commercials trying to sell ugly charm bracelets. Use sticky notes to cover the advertisements for chocolate-covered strawberries and pink pajama sets that seem to make themselves permanently at home on the side of your computer screen.

Avoid the seasonal areas of retail stores and act quickly to change the station to avoid radio advertisements. Use Facebook and other social media with care. And for goodness sake, stay out of the floral department at the grocery store. You just don’t need that kind of negativity in your life.

3 – Summon Some Snark

Tamp down your tears and season your bitterness with some good-natured sarcasm. Try to find the funniest Valentine’s meme over your morning coffee. If you can’t (or decide not to) avoid the advertisements, get a giggle out of how silly (and fleeting) many of them are.

Think of the empty calories in the chocolates, the thorns on the roses and the nickel beneath the gold-plating.

Remember here that your goal is to dampen your pain, not extend it to others. It’s best to keep your snark subtle or to share with others in the same single boat.

4 – Give of Yourself 

Volunteering is often associated with the big holidays, but why not make it a part of your Valentine’s Day? Visit an assisted living facility and while you provide attention, gain perspective by listening to stories of love won and lost throughout lifetimes. Help organize or distribute supplies in a food bank and remember what we really need to get through the day. Bring some old-school Valentine’s cards to the hospital and deliver them with a smile.

If all that is too much for you, consider something more physical and less social or emotional. Help a local park by collecting garbage collected on the trail. Offer to shovel an elderly neighbor’s driveway.

The particular action matters less than the motivation. When we give, it takes us outside of ourselves and reminds us that, even though we may be single, we still matter.

5 – Give Yourself a Valentine

You can make it literal if you want, but I’m more concerned about the spirit of the thing. A Valentine’s gift is a tangible sign of love. So give yourself something that makes you feel loved and honored.

Maybe you feel the most alive when you’re alone in the woods. Or surrounded by people at your favorite sports bar. Or when you allow yourself that indulgent purchase.

You know the best part about selecting your own Valentine’s gift? You always get exactly what you want.

So that’s it – decide to have a good day, limit your exposure to messages that bring you down, maintain your sense of humor, give back and show yourself some love.

And if all that fails?

Remember that tomorrow is the 15th!

When the Divorce Doldrums Collide With the Winter Blues

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Divorce is difficult no matter when it occurs. Yet somehow the cold, dark days of winter seem to amplify its effects. A perfect storm forming when the outer world reflects your inner one and when hibernation tends towards isolation.

If you’re having trouble navigating your divorce while dealing with the seasonal blues, check out these survival tips to get you through until winter.

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The Two Post-Divorce Milestones You MUST Pass Before You’ve Moved On

Posted on by stilllearning2b
milestones divorce

The journey from “in it” to “past it’ can be a long one. There are the practical matters to deal with, the disassembling of the lives and the parsing out of assets and custodial arrangements. Then come the emotional matters, the endless tears of grief for marriage past and future, the choke of loneliness and the strangle of rejection. And finally comes the hope, the excitement of possibility and the ever-growing strength and wisdom from the struggle.

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How Do You Know When You’ve Moved On After Divorce?

Everyone’s path after divorce is a little different. Some curve this way, others that. Some follow a gentle slope and a clear trail while others seem to climb endless mountains that require scrabbling over rocky and dangerous terrain. Yet even with their differences, there are two milestones that we must pass before we have truly moved on.

These milestones may come early in the process or they may not happen for years. They are not sequential, either one may present first or they may appear around the same time. Some people adjust to them readily while other may pause at the landmark for quite some time.

Milestone 1 – Establishing Intimacy With Someone New

I almost wrote, “Entering fully into a new relationship,” but I didn’t want people who are choosing to remain single to skip over this section, because it applies to them too. Establishing intimacy does not have to occur on a romantic level, it simply means that you have been able to let down your guard and let someone – anyone – in.

But the truth is, most people eventually find themselves in a new relationship. Once once you do – whether it be 6 months later or 6 years later – you are going to find little nuggets of unresolved issues from your divorce.

Because the truth is that there is only so much healing that you can do on your own. Some of it can only occur within the context of a relationship (again, not necessarily a romantic one).

Therapy can help with this – as you begin to trust your therapist, you learn how to have faith in others, as you practice revealing your vulnerabilities, you become more comfortable showing your weaknesses. But this type of intimacy is somewhat artificial, more playing house than building house. It’s meant to be your training wheels, not your entire ride.

Divorce does a number on your ability to trust and your willingness to be open. And the only way to fully rebuild those areas is with another person.

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How to Love and Be Loved After Divorce

Milestone 2 – Accepting That Your Ex Has Someone New

In the beginning, most people seem to be on some sort of seesaw when it comes to their exes – with their happiness on one side and their perception of their ex’s happiness on the other. So when the ex is up, you inevitably plummet down.

And it’s a hard landing.

There are so many emotions that can come from seeing the ex with someone new. Everything from, “It should be me” to “Why do they get to be happy after what they did?” The emotions have a tendency to turn ugly, bitter words spewed in an attempt to avoid the tears beneath.

Seeing your ex move on can prompt an acute sense of rejection, of being discarded and left behind like a broken piece of furniture waiting on the curb. This is particularly intense when the someone new came into the picture before your picture was removed from the frame. There’s a natural blame and anger directed at the “other,” the interloper who came in and took what you saw as yours.

And that’s the hard part.

Your spouse was never yours to own, to possess, to control. They made their choices. And you make yours.

You can certainly choose to hold onto the justified anger and the feelings of rejection.

Or, you can choose to step off the seesaw and let your ex do their thing as you take that next step forward.