How to Control Your Divorce

Posted on by stilllearning2b

While I was in the midst of my own divorce, I was convinced that my soon-to-be ex husband was my biggest enemy.

I was wrong.

In fact, in many ways I was my own worst enemy.

I allowed myself to become consumed with things that were outside of my control. I grew increasingly frustrated with the glacial pace of the court proceedings and allowed my ex’s lack of cooperation to spark my ire. I obsessed over his new relationship, convinced that the details were important. I fixated on my desire for him to face the repercussions for his (illegal) actions and allowed the shortcomings of the legal system to derail me.

And all of those things have a single commonality – they were outside of my locus of control.

Part of what makes divorce so scary and so painful is the enormity of the changes and the scarcity of control. To make the transition easier, learn to let go of the areas you cannot control and redirect your attention to the spheres where you have influence.

 

What You Can’t Control

 

Timing of Divorce

The family courts move at their own pace. And it’s often a glacial one.  It’s very easy to get frustrated and caught up with the actions (or inactions) of the professionals involved. You can ensure that your bills are paid, your paperwork is prompt and your attorney is kept apprised. And that’s where your part ends. Let go of the need for the divorce to happen on your desired timeline.

 

Your Spouse’s Reactions

Maybe you’re like me and you are the recipient of an unwanted divorce. Or perhaps you are the one who initiated the split and your spouse is taking the news hard. Either way, you cannot control your partner’s reactions. You can ask for discussion if they are leaving and you can act with compassion if they are. Their response is not something you can influence.

 

Fairness

I was completely hung up on the notion of “fairness” in my divorce. I felt like it was needed for me to move on. But fairness as we think of it is more at home in fiction than reality and I couldn’t write it into my own life. When you’re in the emotional storm of a divorce, little will feel fair. But it’s okay. You’re alive and you’re breathing. You can go on regardless.

 

Limitations of Law

 If your spouse acted poorly, you may be looking to the courts to provide the consequences for their actions. But that isn’t what the law is designed to do. According to the courts, your marriage is a legal contract and nothing else. You will not find any emotional healing or salvation in their halls.

 

Ex’s Behavior

Every day I receive messages from people inquiring how they get their ex to tell the truth. Or to stop dating so soon. Or to step up and be present for the kids. The difficult truth is that you couldn’t control those things while you were married and you have even less influence now. It’s difficult to go from being in someone’s everyday life to being merely a bystander. Yet the sooner you can accept that role, the happier you’ll be.

 

Financial and Lifestyle Impact

 It’s the rare person who doesn’t take a financial and/or lifestyle hit after divorce. It can be a frustrating setback, especially when it comes on the heels of years of hard work and sacrifice. While you have to make adjustments to allow for the change, try not to expend too much mental energy on the financial losses and instead focus on what you can do to rebuild.

 

 

What You Can Control

 

Environment

Divorce is often a time of unwanted change and loss. You may be feeling rejected and scared, unsure in your new life. Take this opportunity to create an environment in your home (wherever that may be for now) that feels supportive and welcoming. And why stop with your physical space? Extend this idea to your friends and family as well, surrounding yourself with people that make you feel good. The investment in your environment will pay dividends in the coming months.

 

Legal Knowledge

 You can’t control the courts and you don’t write the laws, but you can educate yourself about the process so that you are not subjects to whims of the attorneys (who may or may not have your best interests in mind). It’s difficult to focus on the practical while in the midst of the emotional storm yet it’s worth the effort.

 

Personal Boundaries

You’ve accepted that you can’t control your ex, but that doesn’t mean you have to put up with anything they have to offer. You get to decide what you will tolerate and you can communicate those boundaries and reinforce the natural consequences. It’s amazing how empowering the act of creating space can be.

 

Staying Out of the Storm

Like many others, my divorce was drama-filled. At first, I allowed myself to get caught up in it, the daily ups and downs dictating my emotional state. It took some time, but eventually, through a combination of mindfulness and yoga, I learned that I could refuse to allow my emotions to get caught up in the storm. The nonsense still went on but it no longer had such an influence.

 

Attention and Energy

Divorce’s impact is huge. It’s natural for it to occupy a large portion of your attention and energy. Be careful how much you feed it because whatever you nurture, grows. Make an effort to find other, more positive areas to direct your attention. This is a great time to recommit to a hobby or dive headfirst into a new one.

 

Attitude

If you can control this, you are powerful beyond measure.

Attitude changes the end of the world into a new beginning. Attitude is the difference between being a victim and stubbornly flourishing in spite of the circumstances. Attitude throws away the shame and replaces it with fierce determination. Attitude can say, “This is horrible,” or it can pronounce, “I will make it through!”

And attitude determines if you focus on those things you cannot control or if you direct your attention to what you can change.

How to Rewrite Your Divorce Story

Posted on by stilllearning2b

With personal life events, the facts matter less than your interpretation of them.

I wish I had known that in the year following my own divorce. Instead, I chased down the facts like a terrier after a rat, convinced that as soon as I had assembled all the particulars and made sense of the information, I would find peace.

The exercise was one of futility and failure. No matter how much I questioned or how hard I looked, there were certain things that would remain unknowable. My need to comprehend became obsessive, consuming my thoughts and breaking me down in the process.

In my unease with those voids, I filled them with my assumptions and reactions, feelings acting as the mortar between the bricks of what happened. And I assumed the worst, as we often do. I believed that my ex acted out of deliberate malice with a personal and directed attack. I eagerly assigned him the label of “sociopath” in an attempt to understand his actions. And I held tight to the facts I did know, using them as an excuse both inwardly and outwardly for my response.

And instead of finding relief, I only felt worse.

Time moved on and with it, the clarity of some of details faded. The facts muddied as they tumbled through my thoughts with my perceptions, like whites thrown into the wash along the darks. As first I panicked, afraid that I would forget the reality of what happened. I went through old emails, pulled out worn files in an effort to remind myself of the facts.

I was startled to realize that they no longer mattered. And even more importantly, I realized that the emotional stories that I told myself to fill in the missing information had more staying power and influence than the facts themselves.

On that day, I made a decision to actively reframe all of my earlier assumptions and conclusions surrounding the known facts of my divorce. Instead of believing that my ex acted out of malevolence, I decided to believe that he was scared and seeking to alleviate his own pain. I replaced “sociopath” with “depressed” and “addict,” both of which elicited empathy more than hatred. I reframed his ongoing lies as desperate measures in an effort to regain control of a life spinning out of hand.

I actively worked to excise the emotion of my earlier reactions. With each remaining fact and facet, I made the effort to assume the best possible motivation and intention. The mental exercise was like pouring Tide into the tumbler along with the facts, brightening the facts and softening the harsh edges.

And I found relief.

Those facts are still stored in my brain and on some hard days, one will rise to the surface and cause my breath to catch in my throat with the intensity of the memory. But for the most part, when I think about my own experience, I see it through the lens I crafted. The reworking of the facts that allows me to feel empathy instead of rage, peace instead of rejection and pity instead of betrayal.

Because when it comes to personal life events, the facts matter less than your interpretation of them.

If you want to rewrite your own divorce story, these are the steps you need to take:

  • Recognize your assumptions. We all have a tendency to take people’s words and actions personally when it is often not about us. Strip away all of your beliefs about why something was said or why a certain behavior occurred.
  • Write the facts and only the facts. Keep it simple and keep it brief. There is no need to focus on the nuance; you only need to capture the broad strokes.
  • Pretend these same facts were presented about somebody you feel kindly towards or written about a positive character in a book. What conclusions might you reach about why these things happened?
  • Shift those beliefs to your own situation. Be persistent – your earlier and more emotional reactions will fight you for dominance.
  • Notice how you feel as those positively-spun stories start to resonate. Are you breathing a little easier? Feeling a little lighter?

Your divorce and perhaps your ex have already hurt you enough. There is no reason for you to allow your thoughts to hurt you even more.

Facing Divorce? How to Build the Support System You Need

Posted on by stilllearning2b

We accept that people need help at the beginning and at the end of life. Divorce is the end of one life and the beginning of another.

You will need help.

Here’s how to get it –

 

Friends and Family

 

These are probably the first people you will turn to. And with good reason. When you’ve lost a love, you want more than anything to be surrounded by people that love you. It can be challenging to share the news of the divorce with your friends and family; they will hurt for you and they may also be grieving the loss of the marriage. You may find it helpful to enlist a disseminator, a point-person who can share the news and salient facts to protect you from the painful repetition of the story at first.

Often, loved ones have a desire to help, but are unsure of what to do. Once you’re able, craft a message to send to your inner circle detailing what you need (food, outings, someone to watch the kids) and what you don’t (questions, platitudes, derogatory statements about your ex).

You may find that some people respond with judgment rather than compassion. You may have to put these relationships on the back burner for a time until you’re ready to handle their comments. This is a time to surround yourself with people firmly on Team You. No apologies needed.

 

Community

 

Friends and family are great, yet they have their limitations. They may getyou, but they don’t necessarily get what you’re going through. Divorce has a way of making you feel like a pariah in your own life. And that’s why divorce communities, either in-person or virtual (like DivorceForce!) are so important. You learn you’re not alone, you can gain information and understanding from others facing the same and you can find hope from those that a little further along than you. And they’ll also listen to you when you’re friends are telling you to “Just get over it, already!”

Be mindful of the tone and culture of the group you select. It may feel good at first to be part of a congregation that plays “Pin the Tail on the Ex” at every gathering, yet that focus won’t help you much in long run. Instead, look for a community that accepts where you are and has a goal of helping you move on to where you want to be.

 

Local Networking

 

Maybe you’ve moved to a new neighborhood and you need help finding a good babysitter. Or perhaps your spouse always took care of the painting and now you need to hire it out. Those little details of daily life can become overwhelming during divorce and, as they’re frequently accompanied with a move, they can become downright impossible to manage. And during divorce, networking and creating local relationships often takes more time and energy than you possess.

Luckily, there’s help. The Nextdoor app puts you in virtual touch with your neighbors. Without actually having to summon the energy to talk to somebody or even to get dressed, you can find out everything from a neighbor you can let your dog out to learning the best place to sell your wedding ring. It helps to alleviate some of the pressure and anxiety that arises when you’re suddenly left to do it all on your own.

 

Social Contact

 

Between the stigma that often still surrounds divorce (some people seem to think it’s as contagious as a cold!), the awkwardness that develops in a friend group when a couple splits and the demands that divorce makes on your time and energy, it can be challenging to maintain your former levels of social contact.  But that doesn’t mean it’s not important.

This can be a great time to reconnect with old friends who knew you before your marriage. It can also be a great time to meet some new friends (even if temporary) who will not view you as “the divorcing one.” A group such as MeetUp can provide no-pressure social contact alongside a shared interest. And if all that feels too overwhelming, at the very least spend some time in public at the periphery of a crowd. It serves as a great reminder that you’re not alone.

 

Professional Support

 

I don’t think anyone can make it through divorce without at least some professional help. If you’re having trouble sleeping or are experiencing signs of anxiety, depression or PTSD-like symptoms, locate a psychiatrist, as you may benefit from some medication. If you are having trouble processing the divorce and its associated emotions, call a therapist. If your symptoms are presenting physically (which is quite common), you may need a visit to your doctor.

Professional support can also come from a religious leader to help you navigate this change through faith, a divorce or life coach to help you take charge of your future and even a financial advisor to help you plan your budget. Don’t try to it alone. Let the professional carry some of your burden while you rebuild your strength.

 

No-Judgment Journal

 

The headspace during divorce can get downright ugly. You may have thoughts and fears that don’t feel safe to disclose even to your closest friends or your caring therapist. This is where the journal comes in. It can take any form – written or recorded, paper or digital, neat or messy. Allow it to absorb your tears and your fears. This is your uncensored space. Where you can let it all out without worries of being judged or facing repercussions for your outbursts.

While there are many ways to journal and no rules that must be followed, I have a basic strategy that I often recommend: Each time you write, begin by purging the “yuck.” Let it all out until you’re drained of its energy. Then, explore your current worries. Those “what ifs” and fears that keep you up at night. And begin to explore possible solutions along with tempering those run away emotions with some rational thoughts. Finally, end each session with hope. With dreams and inspirations for your future. Even if you have no idea how you’re going to get there, the act of writing down your dreams helps you believe they can come true.

 

Sanctuary Space

 

It’s so important during divorce to have a safe space that you can retreat to when the world becomes too much. Perhaps it’s your car, with its soundproof doors, endless supply of music and ability to take you away.  Or maybe you indulge in luxurious sheets and pillows that make your bed feel as welcoming as a hug from a caring grandmother.

The location and the specifics of the space don’t matter. It simply needs to feel safe and welcoming. A place where you can simply be you and get a little distance from everything else. A word of caution here – sanctuaries are intended to provide respite. If you stay in your safe space for too long, it becomes a prison.

 

During divorce, allow your support system to be your scaffolding, buttressing you until you can again stand tall on your own.

Is It Time For You To Quit One Of These Self-Appointed Jobs After Divorce?

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Prior to divorce, one of your predominate life roles is that of “husband” or “wife.” And once that position is pulled from you, it leaves a job opening that is often filled with a self-appointed role that ultimately causes more harm than good. Is it time for you to quit one (or more) of these post-divorce jobs?

Detective

In my day job, I was a math teacher, educating teenagers on how to find x. In my evenings, I dedicated myself to finding my ex so that he could face the legal repercussions of his illegal activities. Through a combination of triangulation based on account activity and Google Earth, I was able to deliver an accurate address to the police.

In the beginning, this cyber sleuthing had a purpose. Yet even once he was located and his illegal actions verified, I had trouble letting go of my new-found investigative skills. The searching felt purposeful, the details, important. By focusing on assembling information, I was able to distract myself from what I was feeling.

I decided to put in my letter of resignation for my detective role on the day after the divorce was final. I did one last search, cleared my browser history and packed away all of the accumulated paperwork. His whereabouts and activities were no longer any of my concern.

Psychiatrist

It didn’t make any sense to me. I just couldn’t wrap my brain around how my vowed protector had morphed into my persecutor, seemingly overnight. The only way that it made sense to me was if he embodied some sort of monster archetype, only described in modern psychiatric terms.

I reflected upon his childhood. I considered his traits and innate responses to stress. I carefully matched his characteristics against those that define various personality disorders until I settled on the label of sociopath. The non-violent type, as far as I knew.

For a time, I found peace in my amateur diagnosis. It was a way of finding some sense of control. By naming it, I found some dominion over it. But then memories, good memories, starting bubbling up to the surface. And I couldn’t integrate those with my current image of him. So I let go of the labels, and instead tried to see him as an imperfect man, flawed as we all are, and more a stranger to me than I knew.

Advice Columnist

Many of my coaching clients have unwittingly assumed the role of advice-giver and confidant with their exes. In the marriage, they were the competent ones, the ones who knew how to get stuff done.  And their ex partners? Let’s just say they were content with having someone else take the reins.

And even once the households were divided, the struggling ones turn to their exes for advice and assistance and the more adept ones find themselves in the position of caretaker and organizer. In some ways, it’s a mutually beneficial relationship – one person gets their needs met and the other is able to maintain a sense of control and feels as though they are needed. On the other hand, this one-way exchange keeps both people tied to the past, limiting autonomy and promoting an unhealthy dependence.

In a marriage, it’s natural to turn to your spouse for advice and to voice your opinion freely to your spouse. But after a split, the advice-giving is best done by someone else. It’s okay to step back and let your ex manage – or even mismanage – his or her own life. They are no longer your responsibility.

Medical Examiner

My marriage died a sudden death. And I had a driving need to understand why. I had no ex husband willing to talk, so I had to perform the marital post mortem with only the impression of the body remaining.

I was convinced that the only way I could obtain closure and be able to move on was if I could follow the precursors to the demise step-by-step. I examined and assembled clues like puzzle pieces. I developed theories, some more plausible than others.

It was strange, in my pursuit of the “truth,” I began to realize that the actual facts mattered less than the narrative I crafted around them. I eventually settled on an explanation that helped me forgive and let go. And only then did the drive to dissect the past fade.

Prison Warden

Divorce is scary and disorienting. Nothing is certain, everything is in question. I often hear from people that respond to this frightening period with absolutes- “I am never going to trust again,” “I am never going to let anybody in again,” “I just can’t do this.”

They are acting as sentry, building walls and posting guards around the uncertainties of life. They seek to control all that enters and prevent any unauthorized exits. For the prison warden, the rules are rigid, the mind always watchful and the expectations have been constructed around the idea that everyone is disreputable.

Being a guard against life is not only exhausting, it’s doomed to disappointment because it’s impossible to protect from all misfortune. By all means, be observant and alert. But you don’t have to wear the Kevlar vest just to live your life.

Tabloid Journalist

“Can you believe what he did now?” I asked my coworker after informing her of my ex’s latest shenanigans. The news brought her some entertainment and distraction from work and sharing it made me feel important. Of course, in order to maintain interest, the news always has to be fresh and ideally, each new story tops the last.

This self-appointed role combines the obsessiveness of the detective with a need for attention and validation. The salacious details are mined and then shared, followed by the reward of a shot of feel-good dopamine.

The tabloid journalist requires drama to survive. Even if they are not directly manufacturing it, they are elevating it through attention and energy. It feels boring at first, turning away from the revelatory details. But it soon becomes freeing as you realize you are not dependent upon “likes” for your friendships and you have time and energy to dedicate to more advantageous pursuits.

Defense Attorney

For almost a year, I carried a printout of my ex’s mug shot and associated newspaper article. Whenever I would have to deal with somebody about a delinquent account or talk to another attorney, I would present them with the paper. It was my clumsy attempt at saying, “I’m innocent. He’s the one who did this! Please don’t judge me.”

Part of my drive to proclaim my innocence came from my ex’s attempts at gaslighting. He had engaged in some extensive character assassination behind my back while we were married, spinning horrific (and quite creative) falsehoods about me. And so I became obsessed about trying to clear my name and restore my reputation.

Eventually, I realized that those who knew me didn’t need my evidence of innocence, they had faith in me regardless. Those that had been fed a steady diet of lies by my ex were unswayable and so were not worth my efforts. And the relative strangers that I was so determined to convince? They didn’t really care whose “fault” things were, they were just doing a job.

 

Take an honest inventory of the roles you’ve assumed after your divorce – are they serving you or is time to quit and move on to a new line of work?

Is My Reaction to Divorce Normal?

Posted on by stilllearning2b

The following was shared on my Facebook page recently-

“Some days I feel like I got the grief period beat and then something will happen and I catch myself crying.”

I responded in part, “That up and down is completely normal. The hurt will fade in time. Just keep your focus on where you want to be.”

“Thank you!!! It helps to hear the up and down is normal because I didn’t know what was going on.”

 

It’s amazing how much added pain comes from questioning our reaction to a situation and how reassuring it can be to discover that what we feared was “crazy” is instead completely normal and expected.

The reality is that for most of us, divorce is something we only experience once. So most people navigating the end of a marriage are crossing a scary and unfamiliar terrain. And because the experience of divorce is so much more intense and complex than you ever imagined, those held in its grasp always want to know that their experience falls within the range of “normal.”

The following reactions to divorce are completely normal:

Emotional Soup

I often hear people reference the five stages of grief in their divorce and they’ll announce what stage they currently occupy. But it’s not that simple. This construct is a helpful tool for understanding a reaction to a loss, but reality is much messier than five clearly defined stages. I like to refer to the state after divorce as emotional soup – a mix of every emotion you can imagine. And on some days, the anger will be the prominent flavor whereas the next day may be seasoned with despair. The emotions can be surprisingly intense and may stay for awhile or may suddenly appear and disappear just as quickly.

Ups and Downs

Healing after divorce is a nonlinear process. It’s not even two steps forward and one back. It’s more one step forward, a detour around to the right followed by entrapment in quicksand and a wrong turn that leads you back to where you started. Only now you know how to avoid the quicksand.

It’s completely normal to have a series of good days, where you’re feeling optimistic and confident, only to be followed by a day when it all seems impossible and you feel like the most worthless person on the planet. Instead of attempting to measure your progress by the day, take a broader view to map how far you’ve come.

Post-Divorce Mania

Post-divorce mania is characterized by an increase in energy accompanied by an intensity of focus. It’s a compelling drive, a sense of being propelled by an internal motor that refuses to idle. It often has an obsessive quality, focusing on one thing to the exclusion of all else. It can attach itself to something related to divorce (like with an overwhelming interest in discovering everything possible about the affair partner) or it can take the form of some other passion (I can’t even count how many people I met running a marathon that were experiencing post-divorce mania!).

 

Post-divorce mania is initiated by a fear of slowing down and feeling too much. It’s maintained because its compulsive nature feeds our dopamine receptors, keeping us coming back for more. It’s a side effect of the need for action, the gas pedal to the floor and the steering misaligned.

 

Over Reactions and Triggers

 I once had a breakdown in front of the sparkling water display in a Publix. Not my proudest moment, but one that I now embrace as completely ordinary after divorce. The brain has a way of tucking certain memories away for later consumption, smartly realizing that an emotional binge can have devastating results. Then these feelings can be released in a sudden torrent of tears triggered by the most mundane of things.

Memory and Cognition Issues

Your brain won’t function correctly for a time. You’ll forget things, have trouble making basic connections and struggle to form new memories. You may feel slow and sluggish in areas where you once excelled.

Your previous levels of functioning will return. In the meantime, Google, sticky notes and a calculator are your best friends.

Extreme Reactions to Dating

I will never forget the day after my divorce when I looked around the gym and suddenly realized there were men. Everywhere. And I was free to pursue any of them that were unclaimed. I was like a kid in a candy store for a time (yes, part of that post-divorce mania here!).

Others find they have the opposite response to dating – the very thought makes their stomach turn and they can’t imagine ever seeing someone new.

Both responses are normal and, in time, tend to move towards a more balanced approach.

Strong Response to the Ex Getting Married

Whether this news comes years down the road or, as in my case, before your divorce even occurs, the announcement of your ex’s nuptials will probably hit you much harder than you anticipated. It can make early feelings of rejection and loss resurface and it often triggers a sense of, “That should have been me.” It’s not easy to witness their apparent happiness when you’re still aching from the loss.

Although this reaction is intense, it tends to be brief. The last of the bubbles of your marriage floating to the surface before they dissipate in your growing new life.

Taking “Too Long” to Move On

Comparison is your enemy here. You see social media posts of your recently friends seemingly “over it” while you still cry yourself to sleep. You discover that your neighbor remarried after two years and you can’t even imagine going on a coffee date. You worry that you’re doing this divorce thing wrong since it seems like everyone else has a much easier time of it.

First, realize that you only see what others choose to show you. Fun Facebook photos and late-night crying jags are not mutually exclusive. They may appear to have moved on, but their reality could be much more complicated.

And then there is the very real fact that every person is different, every divorce unique. Here are twenty factors that strongly influence your personal divorce experience. Read them and remember that healing does not speak calendar.

A Final Note…

All of these reactions are normal. Yet, normal can become pathological if it persists for a protracted period of time or swells to a point where it severely impacts your ability to function. It’s also completely normal to need help during divorce. Ask for it when you need it.