There’s No Disappear Here (So When Will I Believe It?)

Posted on by stilllearning2b

I had another…episode…a couple weeks ago. It was another convoluted mess of abandonment fears, distrust of my perceptions and feelings of not being enough.

In other words, the usual.

Not the usual as in that I usually feel that way. But the usual in that whenever I have a rough day, that’s always what it’s distilled to at the end. And I’ve learned that these rough days don’t usually occur in isolation; there’s a smattering of them over a period of weeks or months until the particular offending mental remnant is identified and hopefully neutralized.

I always end up feeling sorry for Brock in these exchanges. He ends up having to deal with the effects of my tsunami divorce – my lack of belief in words, my distrust of the security of a “good” marriage, my continual struggles with self-doubt and my conviction to never allow myself to be in that same position again.

The morning after (no emotional hangover this time!!!) this particular exchange, I found sticky notes with various declarations of love and affection around the house.

And then I saw this one. And I felt another layer of my old wounds close.

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It referenced a statement he made the previous night when I mentioned my continued difficulties with trusting my own perceptions and judgment.

There’s no disappear here.

Four words. Big meaning.

A promise to face problems rather than to run away.

A promise to refrain from stonewalling or retreating.

A promise to put effort into the relationship.

A promise to step up rather than step out.

Those words don’t expect perfection. They don’t deny that there will be challenges. They accept that we will have hard times and that we can overcome most anything if we both make the promise to show up and speak up.

And for some reason, even though Brock has expressed similar in words and actions for the duration of our relationship, this simple phrase resonated in a way that I could actually hear it.

And hopefully even start to believe it.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Understanding This Strange Truth About Rejection Lessens Its Sting

Posted on by stilllearning2b

I am a complete failure when it comes to softball.

As a kid, whenever I was forced into playing, I moved my (inevitable) outfielder position to inside the tree line that surrounded the field. I figured this way I was safe from being hit from any rocketed balls and my inability to cover the territory would be obvious to the other outfielders so that they could strategize how to adjust for my ineptitude.

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And playing defense was actually my stronger suit. There were a few ground balls that I was able to deliver to a base. Always too late. But better late than never, right?

At bat, I have never ever even hit the ball. No balls. No fouls. No contact.

Like I said, a complete and utter failure.

And that never bothered me. Unlike academics, softball was never something I cared about or wanted to be good at. It just wasn’t for me and that was okay.

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Except when it meant I was rejected.

Every time the team-picking commenced, I felt discarded as my name was inevitably the last one spoken. I didn’t want my name called yet at the same time, the fact that the team didn’t want to call my name had an edge to it.

Because here’s the strange truth about rejection – It stings even when we’re turned down for something we don’t want.

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Think about that for a moment. Part of the pain of rejection comes from a general desire to be desired and a need to be the one to control the outcome.

I don’t really want it but I want to be the one to make the decision not to have it.

Just because rejection hurts, does not mean that you’re being turned away from something you wanted. We confuse that sometimes, linking the pain to the loss and assuming that the loss is the sole cause of the pain.

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My classmates were thinking rationally when picking teams, calling names based upon a mutually beneficial relationship. When I was feeling rejected, I was responding emotionally, allowing my feelings to assign more importance to the rebuffing than it deserved.

Sometimes rejection is simply a sign that it wasn’t the right fit. And the other person has reached that awareness before you.

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That’s how I now see the end of my first marriage. It was actually something that was no longer good for either one of us. I just didn’t know it yet.

The rejection hurt like hell (especially with the manner that it was delivered – like a baseball torpedoed to the heart), but it was ultimately a gift.

“You’ll be happier,” he typed in the letter that was left behind, “You’ll bounce back and live a happier and more honest life than I could ever give you.”

And ultimately, he was right. Not so much about the bouncing – that was more of a long, hard climb up a muddy slope – but about the happier.

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Emotionally Hungover? How to Get Through the Day

Posted on by stilllearning2b
emotionally hungover

I had an emotional hangover today. Much like the more familiar hangover, it’s caused by excess. Only in this case, the hangover is brought about by too much of the feels than by too much of the booze.

But it sucks just about as much.

An emotional hangover is characterized partially by physical symptoms. The eyes are swollen and bloodshot from tears and lack of sleep. The belly is also swollen from swallowing too much air and perhaps even from the diversion of blood flow if the flight or fight system was activated. Its bloat is accompanied by a queasiness that either demands unhealthy food or rejects any thought of sustenance. The senses feel dulled at the same time the emotions are still in spasm.

And the emotions. While suffering from an emotional hangover, you feel raw. Residuals of the emotional flood bob to the surface yet you’re too tired to process them, letting out their air so that they can again sink to the bottom. Tears may be near the surface and can erupt even at the slightest provocation. You feel bruised from the strength of the released feelings. Sore.

Working memory is compromised, both because of a lack of sleep and because it’s busy trying to make sense of all that arose the night before. You may say or do things that are out of character as you simply try to make it through the day.

So what’s the key for surviving an emotional hangover?

Sleep

First, recognize that everything feels distorted when you’re short on sleep. And when you’re processing heavy emotions, you need even more sleep than usual. If you can, sleep in or snag a nap. If you can’t, make an early bedtime a priority. Work with your brain here. If you try to force sleep while you’re still worked up, it won’t work. Instead, find a way to comfort yourself, distract from the intensity or bleed some of the emotion until you feel like you can rest.

Hydrate

Yeah, I know. This sounds like a tip for the other type of hangover. But it’s important here too. If you’ve been crying, you’ve lost fluids. Even if you’ve just been operating at an aroused emotional state, you’ve stressed your system. And even just a little dehydration can make you feel even more awful.

Eat Nourishing Food

Not crap. You feel what you eat. Much like with sleep, a good meal can provide perspective and optimism. Make an effort to nourish yourself. Your mind will take notice.

Breathe

When you’re in an emotional storm, your breath becomes short, fast and irregular. As soon as you can, work to calm it and deepen it. It’s using the body to tell the brain it’s okay.

Limit the Social Demands

Reschedule some stuff. Call in sick if you need to or at least take a break when you can. You’re not operating at 100%. Don’t try to pretend that you are. Oh, and be ready to explain away the red eyes and sluggish demeanor with an excuse of allergies or an oncoming cold. Even if you have things you want to talk about, they’re usually best tabled until your hangover has lifted and you can think again.

Gentle Movement

You’re wrung out. This isn’t the time to tackle the interval training or hit the squat rack. Take a walk or do a little yoga. It helps to unstick some of the emotional residue.

Escape Into a Story

Much of surviving an emotional hangover is just being patient while the body and brain start to relax. This is a great time to through yourself into an engaging book or movie (I don’t suggest binge-watching a series here; that is an escape which will keep you from the sleep you need).

Be Kind to Youself

Don’t try to force any difficult conversations or decisions. Don’t beat up on yourself for your current (and temporary) state. You’re human. You feel. And sometimes those feelings can leave you feeling pretty wasted the next day. It’s okay. And you’ll believe that once you’ve had the opportunity to sleep and the time to let the residue fade.

And as to what caused my emotional hangover today? Let’s just say gaslighting is the gift that keeps on giving. Ugh. And now I’m off to a hot bath and a welcoming bed. I’m ready for this hangover to be over.

How to Fall Out of Love

Posted on by stilllearning2b
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Sometimes I wish everything was as direct and straightforward as teaching algebra. Where every concept begins with a clear definition, which can then be followed by a specific series of steps that, when followed correctly, will always lead to the desired solution.

But life is not as direct and straightforward as algebra.

Especially when it comes to love.

Poets, philosophers, clergymen, psychologists and even scientists have wrangled with its definition for millennia, yet no consensus has been reached. Most of us have experienced being in love, yet all struggle to assign words to the experience.

Even with the nebulous nature of love, I think we all agree that it feels overwhelming amazing while it’s growing, comforting and supportive once established

and unbelievably agonizing and distressing when it ends.

This is especially acute when the ending is unwanted. And the rejection absolute and sudden.

When you still love the one that no longer loves you.

—–

We speak of the beginning of love as falling, as though we have no control once we’re within the field of the gravitational force of attraction. The coming together seen as inevitable.

Which means falling out of love is working against that gravitational pull. A slow and deliberate climb away from the influence of the attraction.

And much like gravity, its effect lessens as you move further away. But those first few steps are tortuous.

Even though love cannot be defined, it can be broken down into some of its constituent parts. And even though love has no formula, there are ways to address each step along the road out of love.

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When you’re in love, you have companionship. Your “Netflix and chill” partner lives in the same home. You know how you’ll spend your evenings and you know who will sit across the dinner table from you. You probably spend less time with others than before you married as your spouse naturally becomes your primary social contact.

To fall out of love, fill the voids in your life. I liken the feeling of being alone post-divorce to sitting in a cold and empty bathtub after a bathing companion has left. When the cold porcelain is chilling your bones, you turn back on the water. When you face the void at the end of a marriage, seek to fill the voids in your life. Was Thursday night pizza night in your home? Sign up for a class to keep you occupied on that night. Buy more pillows to occupy the now-empty space in your bed. Instead of staying at home, replace date night with  “reconnect with friends” night. Wherever there is a void, find something to put in its place.

When you’re in love, you have a sense of being known and accepted. One of most driving needs of all of us is a desire to be seen, understood and loved as we are. And that’s one of the most magical parts of love – we can be our imperfect, messy selves and still feel as though we are honored and respected. Our partner is the one who knows our greatest fears and our biggest dreams. They can anticipate our needs and know just how to cultivate a smile.

To fall out of love, focus on getting to know yourself again. It’s easy to fall into the trap of expecting that your spouse will make you happy. As a result, you may have lost touch with yourself – your needs, your desires and perhaps most importantly, how to take care of yourself. Court yourself. Get to know yourself. Fall in love with yourself.

When you’re in love, you have somebody you can count on. There’s a comfort in having a name and number to enter in your “emergency contacts.” It’s nice to know that somebody can pick up the Advil when you’re sick and the slack when you’re busy. Your spouse easily becomes your primary support structure. Always there with your back.

To fall out of love, build and nurture a larger support system. It’s easy to take your spouse’s support for granted. It’s dangerous to place too much weight on any one person; things can happen (not just divorce). Build your community. It’s scary to reach out and ask for help, yet people often are waiting to help once you tell them what you need. It’s okay to take more support than you give right now. Just don’t forget to pay that kindness back once you’re able.

When you’re in love, you have biochemistry on your side. Love is a drug. What we call “falling” could also be described as “tripping,” as our brains are awash in hormones that cause positive feelings, bonding and relaxation. The body wants you to create a stable relationship for long enough to have and at least partially raise children. And biology is a powerful force indeed.

To fall out of love, view your residual unwanted feelings as signs of withdrawal. If love is a drug, divorce is going cold turkey. Be patient with your cravings. They are to be expected. Accept that it’s going to be hard, especially at first, and that you will have relapses. And seek help if you need it. There is no shame is asking for assistance.

When you’re in love, you have a shared history. A private language of relieved moments and memories. There are the inside jokes, the special places and the family rituals. There are the shared family stories about the first time you met or the birth of the first child.

To fall out of love, reconnect with people from your past and/or layer memories in your present. It’s a lonely feeling when you lose the only person that speaks that private language. But there may be others that also know you well. This is a great time to reach out to those long-lost childhood friends. Laugh over shared early memories. The more pictures unearthed, the better. You can also work to create a new shared history through intentionally layering new memories over the old. It’s a way of reclaiming those memories instead of allowing them to limit you.

When you’re in love, you have a teammate. Someone on your side. Someone to work with. A coparent. A coworker. A copilot. You fight life’s battles together. And you celebrate life’s victories together.

To fall out of love, celebrate your new freedoms. Having a teammate is a bit like approaching life as though you’re running a three-legged race. You are working together, yet you are also somewhat limited by your partner. When you’re on your own, you have to learn to be stronger yet you are also more nimble. Explore those freedoms. You’re in the driver’s seat.

When you’re in love, you have sexual energy and release. You have a horizontal dance partner that has learned your moves and hopefully mastered theirs. You don’t need to woo your lover or spend energy wondering if you’ll find a lover.

To fall out of love, channel that energy elsewhere. Sex has two components – the physical release and the mental release that comes from a switch from a more analytical brain to a more animalistic and intuitive one. Address both.

When you’re in love, you have shared dreams and goals. You work together to overcome obstacles and build a shared life. The shared goals become a life organizer. A reason for every action and decision.

To fall out of love, create purpose. Volunteer. Sign up for something with a finish line. Pour yourself into your job. Or parenting. Make you matter.

When you’re in love, you have attachment. You and your partner grow together. And you bond. You feel affection. You become accustomed. Your spouse becomes almost a part of you.

To fall out of love, depersonalize rejection. Just because it happened to you does not mean it happened because of you. Such a simple statement, yet one of the most difficult to accept when you’ve been rejected. The truth is that the rejection says more about your former partner then it does about you. Learn to separate yourself from what happened to you.

When you’re in love, you have idealization. You place your partner on a pedestal, highlighting the good while whitewashing the bad. And those rose-colored glasses help to preserve love as you see the best of your partner and they see the best in you.

To fall out of love, focus on the negative. Tear out the pedestal and shine a light on your ex partner’s flaws. Remind yourself of all that you don’t like in them. Take it to the extreme if you need to right now. Once you’ve fallen out of love, you can strive for more balance again.

When you’re in love, you have security. You know who is waiting for you at home. You know that you can cry or scream and that person will still be there.

To fall out of love, embrace the power of vulnerability. It takes great courage to be vulnerable. It’s scary. Especially if you fear rejection. Yet there is a beauty, a realness and a rawness, that only exists when people are willing bare all. Explore it.

When you’re in love, you have anticipation. You look forward to your partner’s embrace. You miss them when they’re gone and count the moments until they return again. Time before the time together passes slowly in delicious agony.

To fall out of love, schedule smiles. Take out your calendar and pencil in activities and events to look forward to. Bonus points if you invite someone to share in the smile with you:)

When you’re in love, you have a spiritual partner. Perhaps you share a spiritual practice and a common view of your place and purpose in the world. Maybe your marriage and family is your center and gives you a sense of meaning.

To fall out of love, recommit to your your spiritual journey. If you belong to a church, this may be the time to dedicate more energy. If you don’t have a church, this may be a time to find one. If you’re a spiritual do-it-your-selfer, commit to what speaks to your soul. Spirituality is a wonderful reminder that we are not alone and that our problems are smaller than we often believe. It’s a gift of perspective.

When you’re in love, you have trust. You depend upon your partner. Rely on them. Have faith that they have your best interests at heart and they will always be there for you.

To fall out of love, build self-confidence. It’s good to trust others. And it’s even better to trust yourself. Believe that you can do this. Have faith that you can be happy again. Trust that you can fall out of one love and into another.

Why We’re Wrong When We Talk About Trust

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Whenever I go to a climbing gym, I always follow the same routine. I pick an easy route and pick my way through the handholds until I’m at a height that causes my breath to come just a little faster and my brow to start to moisten. And then I intentionally let go.

Not to fall.

But to feel the security of the ropes and my partner on the ground catch my weight and hold me aloft.

And once I’ve learned to trust that I won’t fall, I am willing to climb.

If only life were so simple.

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I used to view trust as a simple concept. Black and white. You either trusted someone. Or you didn’t. A person either earned your trust or deserved your mistrust.

And I trusted my ex husband. Completely. Totally. The trust filling any gaps like caulk around a window, not allowing for any passage of sharp and biting winds.

When I said I trusted him, I meant that I believed that he would never do anything that would intentionally harm me. I was convinced that he would always be there. And that his future actions would always be as loving as his past ones. I felt secure in my trust. I felt secure because of my trust.

We speak of trust as though it is an absolute.

A guarantee.

That when someone is branded as “trustworthy,” that they are safe. Incapable of causing pain through actions or motivations.

And wouldn’t that be amazing? If we could have some sort of promise that the people around us would never hurt us. Never stir up doubt. Never cause us suffering.

Amazing. And also impossible.

Because trust, like love, is organic. Breathing and changing. Described in actions rather than words. And more like the ebb and flow of the tide than the still waters of a static lake.

Because no matter how honorable a person is, he or she will falter sometimes. There will be oversights that cause harm to another. Mistakes that lead to pain. Decisions made without sufficient consideration. And moments of pure weakness and conceit.

Trust doesn’t mean the person will never hurt you. It doesn’t offer a money-back guarantee against the cold and biting winds of the world.

Rather, a trustworthy person will admit to his or her shortcomings. Be willing to take responsibility for any mistakes and work to correct them. Trust isn’t about never screwing up. It’s about owning up.

We speak of trust as being earned. And it is. When actions match words. When commitments are kept and promises honored.

And I think that’s where it’s easy to go off course. To assume that at some point, the deposits are made and the trust is ensured. As though the previous actions were collateral against harm.

We all desperately want to feel safe. Secure. We want some assurance that the way things are now is the way they will always be unless we act to change them. And it’s easy to confuse trust with surety. To believe that promises made will never be broken and that there are people that we can always depend on no matter what.

But that’s not reality. From the loving and well-intentioned parent who makes a poor decision for his or her child without fully considering the effects to a spouse who underestimates the impact of his or her words on a partner, we will all hurt and be hurt.

And when that occurs, we feel as though our trust has been breached.

And maybe the problem is that we focus too much on trusting others.

And not enough on trusting ourselves.

Trusting that we will see what is around us.

And be able to handle anything that comes our way.

There is a reason that the phrase, “blind trust” exists. When we focus too intently on trusting others, we lose sight ourselves. We either become complacent or suffer an anxious suspicion that can never be sated.

Learning to trust again after betrayal is less a matter of finding a person worthy of trust (although that is certainly a key element) and more about listening to your own emotions, intuition and instincts.

It is accepting that trust is no promise against pain and that there are no guarantees in life.

And most importantly, trust is believing in yourself.

It’s not a place of security, but rather a place of calm.

Where you may not always know what is coming, but you know that you have what it takes to face it.

———-

I’m often asked how I’ve been able to trust again after the immense betrayals of my ex. It is a process. And sometimes it’s not so smooth🙂

My ex was quite brilliant about covering his actions – I saw pictures of the auto show he was supposedly working only later to find that he was on his honeymoon and the photos were culled from the internet. His phone was always accessible and unlocked. I can only imagine that there was a second device used for the second life. The mail was intercepted. The phone line cut. I was carefully isolated from the truth so slowly and so gently that I never even knew it was happening.

And the lingering effects of that gaslighting mean that I have a very difficult time accepting even what would seem like “proof” to anyone else. I always have (and probably always will have) that slight tug that whispers that maybe what I am seeing isn’t real.

And so I’ve worked hard to separate the anxiety from the past from what I am actually seeing in the present. I’ve learned to listen to my gut and trust it when it tells me something is off. And I’m no longer blind; my brain is always assembling little bits and data points, ensuring they line up.

Throughout, I’ve been very careful not to give in to suspicious and snooping behavior. First, I think that it only feeds anxiety and mistrust and secondly, I believe that it creates a toxic environment for any relationship. There is a difference between spying and seeing. The former leads with the assumption of wrongdoing whereas the latter leads with an open mind.

I mentioned earlier that finding a trustworthy person is also a component. Here are the characteristics of my now-husband that have made it easier for me to trust:

-He does not hide from uncomfortable truths. And he openly admits his screw-ups.

-His initial words are often unpolished. Sometimes, this may sting, but it is also evidence that the words were not carefully chosen and rehearsed to elicit a desired effect.

-He trusted me early and often. I have found that people who are distrustful of others are often hiding something themselves.

-He doesn’t hold back secrets. I always know of my birthday present (or any “surprise” present) the moment he clicks on “submit payment.”

-His friendships are lasting and he demonstrates intense loyalty to them.

-And the funny one – He struggle with attention to the little details. And after the carefully-crafted facade my ex built and meticulously maintained, I find comfort in this:)

But at the end of day, all of that is just the supporting evidence. It ultimately comes down to trusting myself to see if there is a problem. Trusting myself to make the right decisions.

And trusting myself that I’ll be okay no matter what happens.

Trust doesn’t mean that you’ll never fall.

It means that you have faith in yourself to get back up.