Love Testing

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Love testing.

It’s one of the reasons that teenagers are difficult to deal with. Before they take the leap out into the adult world, they want the security that comes from knowing that you love them unconditionally. Your words and prior actions are often not sufficient for these temperamental creatures. They want reassurances. They want proof.

Operating below the level of full consciousness, they engage in behaviors and make decisions that they know you disapprove of. They often fail to hide these choices and they may even flaunt them. Of course, some of this is fueled by the teenager’s desire for exploration and their lack of a developed prefrontal cortex.

But that’s not the only motivator.

These undesirable actions are often driven by the teenager’s search for the answer to this question –

“Will you still love even if …”

 

And teenagers aren’t the only ones that engage in love testing. Adults, especially those that have been betrayed or abandoned, can utilize this strategy as well in romantic partnerships. Like the teenagers, these adults are seeking reassurances that the past will not repeated. They are testing the strength of the commitment by weighing it down with  ever-increasing challenges. They want security. Promises. Certainty.

And so they test. Maybe treating their partner with disrespect. Or flirting openly with another person. Or letting the weight begin to comfortably settle around the waist. Or continually breaking up only to pick back up again. Or spending just a little more than was agreed upon. Boundaries are nudged and the reactions observed.

Will you still love if…

There are problems with this approach. Partners are not parents. Their love does have its limits. At some point, the weight tied to the commitment will be too much to bear and their acceptance will be be withdrawn. And that point will inevitably be reached because    no matter how many love tests they’ve passed, until you trust in yourself and your ability to handle whatever may comes, it will never be enough to assuage your insecurity. And regardless of how many transgressions the love survives, there is no such thing as certainty in love.

That’s not to say that love should be welcomed without confirmation. The tests will come naturally over time as life presents you with challenges and obstacles. Take this opportunity to observe how they respond – Do they shut down or shut you out? Do they find refuge in the guise of victimhood and point fingers? Or do they see you as a team and work cooperatively towards resolution or acceptance?

Once we’ve been hurt, we will do anything to avoid being hurt again. But love doesn’t work that way.

As I’ve written before, 

Love is all or none.

If you try to hold it at a distance, you end up pushing it away.

If you attempt to control it, you will inevitably strangle it.

If you build walls and hang back out of a fear of being hurt, you are avoiding the very intimacy that is the foundation of a relationship.

If you punish your new partner for the sins of the old, you are wrapping the new in the cloak of the past.

If you assume that this partner will also hurt you, you are more likely to be hurt again. After all, the dog that you expect to bite often does.

Love is always a risk. Whether you’ve been hurt before or not.

It’s just that those of us who have felt the anguish of an end know exactly what it is we are risking.

And you may decide that it’s not for you. That you’re happier alone and don’t want the risk or the compromises again.

That’s okay. Life is not one size fits all. Tailor your life to your specifications.

But if you do decide you want to let love in, you have to be ready to embrace it. Risks and all.

That ten-foot pole may make you feel safer, but all it’s really doing is keeping love at arm’s length.

Love is all or none.

 

An Open Letter to Those Who Have Been Ghosted by a Partner

Posted on by stilllearning2b
ghosted

I see you.

I know that right now you’re feeling insignificant and discarded. I see you standing there in utter shock, struggling to process how everything changed in an instant. The “before” and “after” alternately body slamming you with the brutal reality. I see you because I was you.

I hear you.

I know that you’re frustrated that your voice, your very right to speak, has been taken from you. I hear your silent screams into the void, the endless question of “why” echoing through the fog. I hear your voice because it follows my own.

I understand you.

I know that you’re questioning everything, running every detail through your mind, worrying each strand of memory like a loose thread. I understand the doubts that are starting to creep in, that you’re wondering what clues you may have missed or even believing that you somehow deserved this on some level. I understand you because I was in that same place several years ago.

The pain and confusion you’re experiencing are totally normal reactions to such a complete and total blow and betrayal.

Being abruptly abandoned without explanation is one of the more painful experiences that life can deliver.

And the first thing you need to understand is that leaving in that manner is a reflection of your ex’s character. Not yours. Some may remind you that relationships take two. And this is true. Yet ending it on this jarring note was a decision made without your cooperation. You may experience judgement from others. Try to be patient with them as they truly don’t understand what it’s like. Even loved ones may seem to blame you. This is often because they cannot bear to imagine this happening to them and so they need to try to make some sense of why this happened to you.

Ghosting is cowardly. Instead of having the difficult conversations and potentially seeing you hurt, they chose to run and hide. That is not healthy adult behavior, especially with a relationship of significant depth and duration. It’s not fair to end a relationship this way. It robs you of any opportunity to ask questions, much less eliminates any chance you may have had to fight for the relationship.

After being ghosted, you are haunted by the unknowns. Those endless questions can drive you crazy. Again, I’ve been there and I took that ride for a time. You may get some answers. It could be that they were seeing someone on the side or that they had amassed secrets that they wanted to keep hidden. I know the temptation to hunt for information is strong; however, I encourage you to keep this urge on a leash. Too much obsession over the reasons for their actions will only serve to bring you more misery. They gave you important information about themselves by leaving this way. Ultimately, that matters more than any details.

Are you desperately looking for closure?

If you’re finding yourself stuck by not knowing what happened like an unfinished puzzle with a lost piece, use what you know to fill in the gaps. Craft a story from the facts you have and your knowledge of your ex. You may not get it right. But it doesn’t matter. Our minds fixate on what is missing. Once you fill in those holes, it gives the brain permission to rest. Here are some more ideas on how you can find closure without your ex’s cooperation.

Perhaps the most cruel part of being ghosted is that the residual doubt and uncertainty lingers and follows you into new relationships. You can easily become anxious, desperate not to be blindsided again. And this worry can easily poison your new relationship if you allow it to simmer. It’s important to learn to trust yourself again. It’s possible that you didn’t signs in your other relationship because you were afraid of what they would mean. Trust that you can not only recognize brewing problems but that you can also face whatever may come.

I’m probably getting a little ahead of myself. Right now, you just want to know how to make the pain end. I wish I could wave a magic wand for you and release the anguish you feel. But I can’t. No one can. Not even your ex.

They are gone.

The way they went about it is cowardly and shitty. Yet the end result is the same. They are gone.

They had all the power in how they chose to end things. You have all the power now in how you choose to move forward.

I’m going to interrupt to share with you a little story about ghosts –

When I was six years old, my parents took me to Disney World. I insisted on waiting in the two-hour line for the haunted mansion ride. They indulged me (yes, I am an only child.) As we approached the front of the line, the details of the house and the spooky sounds playing over the speakers began to frighten me. Panicked, I refused to step inside the attraction.

A short time later, I gathered up my courage and decided that I wanted to brave the ride again. My parents again indulged me, only with some well-deserved grumbles this time.

It turned out that I had built those ghosts up to be way bigger and way more powerful than they were. The fear was within me. The story that they would harm me was one that I was telling myself. And when I walked back out into that Florida sunshine, I felt proud of myself that I had faced those ghosts and made it out the other side.

I know this ghost is different. They have hurt you. Deeply. Yet now they are like a projection in that haunted house – the real danger is over. What’s left is the apparition in your mind. And even that will fade as you again walk back into the light.

You will never forget “the one who ran away.” But don’t waste your life chasing after them. They are not worth your time.

Your love and loyalty and energy are better spent on those that deserve it.

And that includes you.

I see you.

I hear you.

I understand you.

And I believe in you.

Lisa

 

Want to learn more about my story when I was abruptly abandoned by my husband after sixteen years?

 

Are you looking for help recovering from being ghosted? 

 

 

Taking Responsibility: How to Tell When It’s Your Stuff to Own

Posted on by stilllearning2b

It can be challenging to determine when something falls on somebody else’s shoulders and when it it is ultimately your responsibility to bear. Here are four ways to tell if it’s your stuff to own –

 

1 – A pattern keeps repeating.

When I first started casually dating post-divorce, I had guys start to pull back after a few days. At first, I brushed it off, lamenting the poor manners and hook-up culture in today’s world. But it kept happening and I eventually admitted that I was the common denominator. With just a brief amount of reflection, I soon embarrassingly realized that they withdrew because I was acting like their wife. Oops. It wasn’t intentional on my part, but since I had been married so long and dated so little, I was an expert in the first arena and a novice in the second. Once I identified the issue, I quickly corrected it and the pattern came to an abrupt halt.

When we repeatedly find ourselves in the same situations or with the same sort of subpar relationships, we often point the finger, blaming anything and everything we can. Yet when the same pattern keeps happening to you, I’m afraid there is a reason and you’re likely the source of it.

 

Here’s your stuff –

Identify any patterns that have a tendency to occur in your life.

Look for the commonalities between the situations and identify how you contribute to the pattern.

Consider how you can alter the pattern. Can you change the antecedent, your behavior or your response?

Enlist the help of a professional, if needed.

 

 

2 – It’s an issue you have now because of something that somebody else did to you.

My ex-husband certainly did not set me up for success with future relationships. By leaving with a text message, he primed me for fearing abandonment going forward and by committing bigamy, he set me up for worrying about future betrayals. Blaming him is futile, as he didn’t seem fazed about the repercussions of his decisions and besides, he couldn’t alter the impact that it had on me. I could also try to shuttle this to my now-husband’s shoulders, dictating his actions because of my past experiences. But not only is that not fair to him, it also won’t undo the damage from my ex.

It’s tempting to state that we need people to treat us a certain way or to do (or not do) certain things because it easily triggers us. And yes, we can (and should) communicate these preferences to others. But ultimately, our responses (or overreactions) are our responsibility because we are the only people that we can control.

 

Here’s your stuff –

Know yourself and your triggers.

Set yourself up for success by avoiding or limiting certain situations until you are able to handle them.

Communicate your preferences clearly yet without expectations.

Actively work to discharge the energy around your triggers.

Refrain from blaming people that come into your life after the event for what happened.

 

3 – It is not something that another person can fix for you.

I stress. Big time. My ex-husband learned how to soothe me when I got worked up when we were teenagers. I grew to depend upon his help to calm down when I would become overwhelmed. And then he left, and I was left stressing even more. When my now-husband came into the picture, I assumed that he would also take on the role of professional stress tamer. He refused, rightly pointing out that managing my stress was ultimately my job. I pouted, but I learned. And the techniques that I have in place now are far more effective than anything that my ex could do for me.

We often try to pass off our unwanted struggles on others. After all, it’s easier if we can outsource the things that we don’t want to get our hands dirty with. Life rarely works that way, however. We can – and should –  ask for help. But all others (including therapists) can do for us is offer guidance, support and encouragement. Ultimately, nothing changes until we do.

 

Here’s your stuff –

Know what you normally struggle with.

Ask for help when you can’t make progress or you are unsure where to begin.

Accept the limits of helping and be prepared to do the heavy lifting.

 

4 – You find yourself complaining about the issue repeatedly.

I used to have a really hard time going back to school at the end of the summer. I would feel the envy rise as I heard about the amazing vacations that other teachers took while I reflected on my time spent working or looking for somebody available to do something with. This happened more years in a row than I would like to admit. Finally, I realized that the other teacher’s trip weren’t likely to change and neither was my financial status. But I could still shift my summer focus from work to adventure-on-a-budget. And now, when I return, I hear others exclaim over my summer stories and pictures.

We all can fall into pattern of complaining. It’s easy and it can also feel productive since we are actually doing something (even if that something is only moving our mouths). There are two possibilities with the issue you’re complaining about. Either it’s out of your control and so you need to change your mindset or it’s something you can change and it’s time to get busy.

 

Here’s your stuff –

Be aware of the issues or situations that you frequently complain about.

Release any defensiveness around the issue; it’s only holding you back.

Identify if the issue is within your locus of control or not.

If you cannot change the situation, reframe how you view it.

If you do have some influence, come up with (and initiate) an action plan.

 

Related: What If it IS Your Circus and They ARE Your Monkeys?

The Single Best Thing I’ve Ever Done For My Mental Health

Posted on by stilllearning2b

 

And for my fellow introverts, here’s an open letter to share with the extroverts in your life.

8 Things That Cannot Wait Until Tomorrow

Posted on by stilllearning2b

I used to promise myself that I would have fun as soon as the weekend arrived. And then, I would push it off until the summer. I even let it get to the point where I resigned myself to more work and little play until retirement.

The timing was never quite right to let up on the responsibilities and to bring in the play. So I waited for the timing to be right.

Only it never was.

I changed my perspective once divorce arrived. Suddenly, everything that I had put away until later was gone. The anticipated future with my then-husband would never come.

In that moment, I decided that no matter what else was going on, I would make the time for these eight things because they are too important to put off until tomorrow.

Sometimes I’ve failed at my intention. But that’s okay (see number six below). Life is not about being perfect; it’s about being present. And by having an awareness of these eight things every day, you are fully present and making the most of your life.

 

1 – Appreciation

Have you said “thank you” today? Have you taken a moment to express gratitude for something or someone in your life? Have you shared your appreciation for others with others?

Gratitude is one of the most powerful tools we have. When we make the effort to consciously feel thankful, we are able to focus on our riches rather than on the perceived lack in our lives. When we express appreciation, we let others know that they are seen and valued.

Appreciation alters your view and shapes your reality. That’s some pretty powerful stuff. Why would you put that off when you can begin to use it today?

 

2 – Apologies

Some apologies happen in the moment (think of the knee-jerk “I’m sorry” that follows an accidental bump in a crowd). Others – the big ones – often get shelved. At first, we may refrain from taking responsibility. After all, the ego likes to point fingers. Then, even when we do become aware of our part, it may feel awkward or even scary to admit our wrongdoings and express remorse for any harm that it has caused.

While you’re waiting, the other person may be trapped within a narrative that they’ve constructed around the event, believing that they’re not worthy or deserving of an apology. It’s not easy to take responsibility for causing harm (especially when it’s unintentional), but it is the right thing to do. Saying sorry doesn’t mean that they will accept your apology, but it does mean that they are no longer waiting on you.

 

3 – Health

Health – or the lack thereof – has been prominent in my thoughts of late. I’m at an age where people’s lifestyle choices and/or genetics are beginning to catch up with them and my friends and coworkers are beginning to receive difficult diagnoses (Including my husband, who will go through cervical fusion next month. Based on his MRI, it’s good he didn’t postpone seeing the doctor.). In some cases, I’ve seen them adopt the “I’ll start tomorrow” attitude towards their health for years, delaying better choices or medical appointments in the belief that they still have time. And sadly, sometimes they don’t.

Whenever I have those days when I don’t feel like exercising or preparing healthier foods (because let’s face it, when we’re tired and stressed, ice cream and the couch sounds better than broccoli and a run), I remind myself that I’m lucky to have the opportunity to make better choices today. Because we never know what tomorrow may bring.

 

4 – Passions

What makes you, you?

We all have our passions, those interests that tiptoe into obsession and provide a sense of purpose and fulfillment. And we have (almost) all experienced the dearth of those passions when life’s demands and distractions increase.

Depending upon your particular interest, you may not be able to fully dive into it every day (I’m thinking of a friend here who loves to climb mountains). However, you can still do something every day that feeds into your passion (my mountain-clmibing friend enjoys planning her next adventure and spends time training her body for its demands).

Rediscover whatever it is that makes you feel alive. And then do it, at least a little bit, every day. Otherwise, you’re telling yourself that you’re not important and your passions don’t matter.

 

5 – Love Yous

It saddens me how many people I know that have never heard the words “I love you” from a parent or a spouse. Even when love is expressed in other ways (see The Five Love Languages for details) or is deemed to be understood (common in the case of parent to child), those words matter.

Make sure that the people in your life never have to wonder if you love them. Say the words. Write the words. Sing them if you want. Take the time to let the ones you love know that you love them. You don’t want to wait because tomorrow could be too late.

 

6 – Forgiveness

Forgiveness is a loaded word. In the way I’m using it here, it means that you let go of the weight of the wrongdoing that was done to you. It doesn’t require an apology, it doesn’t need a pardon. It simply says, “This is your burden to carry and I choose to let go of it.”

Often, the hardest person to forgive is ourselves. We give others the benefit of the doubt and turn a critical eye within. Forgiving yourself is a recognition that you were doing the best you could at the time and a promise that now that you know better, you’ll do better.

Anger, bitterness and self-flagellation are a heavy burden. Why would you wait until tomorrow to lighten your load?

 

7 – Smiles and Laughter

There are times in life when smiles are plentiful. And then there are those days or weeks or months when it seems as though the tears are a permanent fixture. It can feel wrong to give yourself permission to smile or to laugh during tragedy or even during periods of sustained effort and drudgery. So we often wait to smile until life brings us something to smile about.

There is certainly something to be said for acceptance, for understanding that sometimes life is just hard. And there’s even more to be said for being able to find the humor and the levity in any situation. Whoever taught you that laughter and tears are mutually exclusive was mistaken; they can go hand-in-hand. Make a habit of finding the smiles in every day.

 

8 – Mindfulness

We recently returned from a four-night cruise. One of my favorite parts was being disconnected from technology for the duration. After a brief period of discomfort from being away from the onslaught of information and, yes, distraction, I was amazed at how content I could be, well…just being.

Whether you follow a structured meditation practice, participate in prayer, use exercise as a form of moving meditation or simply take time out of your day to pause and breathe, mindfulness helps to reduce anxiety and increase a sense of peace. We often neglect this practice because it feels wasteful to take time out of our busy schedules to do nothing. Yet that space that nothing allows is exactly what our brains crave in order to be healthy. In other words, taking time out is too important to put off.