Will I Ever Trust Again?

Posted on by stilllearning2b
trust betrayal

“Will I ever trust again?” I asked, turning towards my dad in the aftermath of the day the marriage died.

My voice trembled along with the rest of my body, a pleading tone hoping for a positive response.

His eyes teared, he pulled me in for a hug. “I don’t know but I sure hope so.”

It wasn’t the response I wanted, but it was honest. And honest was what I needed.

Over the next weeks and months, I asked that question of my mom, my family, my friends, my journal.

And every response was the same.

“I don’t know.”

How do you recover from betrayal by the person closest to you? How do you move forward without armor so thick that no one will ever make it through? How do you ever put faith in another person after doing so destroyed your world and you in the process?

How do you learn to trust again?

You begin with yourself.

Intimate betrayal is an attack on two fronts. The first wound comes from the one who betrayed you, the piercing pain when you realize that he or she was sliding the blade into your back with every embrace. The second comes from within, as you begin to doubt yourself, your worth and your senses.

And you have to heal them both.

Before you can ever trust another, you have to learn to trust in yourself.

And that begins with trusting your strength to see you through.

If you believe that you are not strong enough to survive something, you will turn away from any indications that speak of impending disaster. The only way you will be receptive to reality is if you know you can handle it. Remember times that you have revealed your strengths. Celebrate those. Create smaller challenges in your life and master them. Write your story and cast yourself as strong and brave. Don’t let your betrayer create your character; you have the power to mold yourself in an image of fortitude and perseverance. Learn to see yourself as a survivor and thriver rather than a victim. You are the phoenix, not the ashes.

You are strong.

You can make it through anything.

Believe it. And it’s true.

And, once you know that you can survive, you’re ready to learn to listen, to see. Not with the fears of the past or the worries of the future, but with the truth of today.

Check in with your gut. If your intuition speaks, listen. Remember, there is nothing it can say that you cannot handle. Be present in your life, check words against actions. Trust that you will be okay even if someone’s actions indicate a problem. When learning to trust another, move slowly, letting out a little rope each time. Watch to see if they hang themselves but also be careful not to do it for them. If you act as though the past is on repeat, it will be replayed. See with the eyes of now, not the pain of yesterday. Sift through your past to find patterns, both in your betrayer and yourself. Learn how to change your responses to interrupt the playbook of the past.

Will you be able to trust again?

Yes.

But it can’t be blind trust, operating on wish alone.

It’s a trust born from strength and intention.

It comes from being present and truthful.

It hopes for the best but does not fear the worst.

It understands that you cannot control another but you can always depend on yourself.

You are strong.

You can be trusted.

Believe in yourself.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Security

Posted on by stilllearning2b

One of the more difficult losses during divorce is the loss of security. On an emotional level, you are vulnerable and facing the realization that the stability you imagined only existed in your mind. On a physical level, you may have to move, you may be the sole adult in the home and your finances will be tighter than before.

Loss of security is scary. It leaves us raw and open. It takes time to rebuild your emotional strength; there are no quick fixes.

But I just stumbled across a quick fix for the physical security.

Brock just recently installed an alarm system in our home (I guess the 90 lb pit bull and his multiple black belts weren’t enough:) I suggest you don’t stop by uninvited!). Now, this just isn’t any old alarm system.

This is pure brilliance.

The product is called SimpliSafe. It’s a wireless, install-it-yourself fully customizable alarm system with available monitoring.

Now, this system is awesome in general, but after seeing it in action, I immediately thought of why it is perfect after divorce.

Portability

It’s common after divorce to be a bit of a nomad, moving from place to place until you’re settled again. A traditional alarm system is expensive to install and must be left behind, as it is hardwired into the home. SimpliSafe is different. Every component is wireless and comes with removable wall adhesive strips on the back. When you move, SimpliSafe can move with you.

Affordability

Typical alarm systems may hook you in with a low up-front cost, but then charge a high, monthly monitoring fee. Or, if you waive the contract, you’re paying thousands for the initial system. With SimpliSafe, you pay for each component separately, buying only what you need. We spent just over $400 to fully cover our decent-sized home with security and fire alarms. The monthly monitoring is also affordable, starting at $15/month. Pennies count after divorce and this system helps them stretch.

Ease of Use

Brock had the entire system up and running in under an hour. No waiting for an installation appointment. No drills. No problem. And a call to customer service was picked up and handled immediately. After divorce, it’s nice to have anything simple.

Fully Customizable 

You can buy and install exactly what you need and where you need it. You can buy keychain dongles that allow you to disarm and set the alarm from the garage. They even have a panic button on the keychain so that you can carry it on you around the house and yard. The add-ons are impressive, but you can always go basic. And, if you have any concerns about the volume produced by a wireless siren, rest easy. My ears were ringing for hours!

This is a completely unsolicited review. I just remember that raw fear of vulnerability post-divorce and I want to share anything that might relieve just a bit of that distress. So, if you’re in the market for an alarm, check out SimpliSafe. It won’t heal your heart, but it may help you sleep a little better at night.

Relax. It’s Just a Date

Posted on by stilllearning2b

I met with a divorced friend the other day. She was seeking my advice on navigating the online dating world. She had created her profile and interacted with a few men, but not was not having the success she imagined. I asked her what her approach had been so far. She described her bio and listed her requirements that included strict height and age limits. She added other factors that would qualify the men as good husband and father material.

Basically, she had created her perfect match and was then interviewing men to see if they fit her mental profile. And they all fell short. Literally, in some cases. My first advice to her was to change her attitude around dating.

Read the rest of my advice here.

Search and Rescue

Posted on by stilllearning2b

I love to look at the words and phrases entered into search engines that lead people to my blog. Some make me laugh. Others make me  want to reach out across the internet and give the typer a hug. And still others make me want to shake the questioner, hoping to inspire some common sense.

I often wish that there was a way for me to respond personally to these queries. But, as of now, there is not. So this is my response to some of the terms that have found me over the last few months. All of the queries listed are common with only slight variation in wording. Each comes across my screen at least once a week. Some, many more.

These are the ones that make me laugh, made me cry and made me shake my head in disbelief.

“Can I have PTSD after divorce?”

I am not a psychiatrist, but my answer is yes. I personally experienced many of the symptoms and have been in contact with several people formally diagnosed. Get help. It’s available.

“How do I get away with bigamy?” or “I committed bigamy what do I do?” or “What are the chances of being caught with bigamy?”

Why, why, why? This must be my biggest head-scratcher. I happened to learn how easy it is to commit bigamy, but it is really THAT common? I see a minimum of ten searches a week on this. And that’s not including the hidden search terms. It may be easy to do, but it is illegal, a felony in most states. It’s not worth it. Get a divorce or have a fling. But, please, limit the spousal number to one.

“Who is Lisa Arends husband?”

I assume they are talking about the ex, not the present husband. I wonder if they’re looking for a date? If so, I would strongly suggest against it (see bigamy above). Otherwise, it really doesn’t matter since his name would mean nothing to you. If you assume the search is coming from within the U.S. (population 313 million) and each person knows roughly 200 people, there is a .000064% chance you know him. Just make up a name for him. Bigamy Bob, perhaps?

“Is Jonny Lang still married?”

I don’t know. But he plays a damn good guitar.

“What to do with chipped plates?”

Eat off them.  Duh.

“How did I wind up so alone after divorce?”

Because it’s easy. It takes concerted and regular effort to be social, especially when you’re sad and facing change. Try Meetup.com. It rocks.

“My marriage is over and my dad died.”

There are no words. I wish there were. And I wish there were internet hugs.

“My cat is smarter than me.”

Join the club. I think they be the world’s next super power.

“Husband left for bar.”

I don’t think you’ll find him on the internet. If you’re lucky, maybe he’ll pick up the same woman my husband did.

“What is the perfect revenge for someone who has betrayed your trust?”

Live well and be happy.

“Scared of falling in love again after divorce.”

Me too. But it’s worth it.

 

My Divorce “Care Package”

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Divorce is one of those times when you have to consciously assemble artifacts and experiences that make you feel safer, more sane and more alive. It can be amazing to discover what becomes important, what small detail assumes major significance in the molting stage of your new life.

Here are the contents that filled my divorce care package. What’s in yours? It’s only fair, I showed you mine:)