My Side, His Side and … the Truth?

Posted on by stilllearning2b
narcissist lie

One of the more infuriating responses I’ve received when others have heard my synopsis of my ex-husband’s actions that led to the divorce is, “Well, you know how it is. There’s your side, his side and then, somewhere in between them, there’s the truth.”

After I swallow my scream, I try to respond with a well-meaning and polite-sounding, “That’s so awesome that you haven’t met anybody like him. I hope you never do.”

In general, I am a huge fan of the concept that there are facts and then there is the way we perceive the facts. And those perceptions can be very different. Give two people the same fictional book and they will not only interpret the characters’ actions in different ways, they will likely build mismatched views of the protagonist’s appearance.

Yet the text is the same.

And that’s where I have a problem with this phrase being applied to the circumstances surrounding my divorce.

Of course my ex-husband is entitled to his own opinion. But he is NOT entitled to his own facts.

Which is exactly what he was doing.

When he told the police that we had been divorced for years, I highly doubt that he was simply expressing some metaphorical feeling that he was keeping under wraps. As he recorded my salary on the financial disclosure as a third more than it was, I don’t think it was because he’d viewed the numbers in a different way. And when he described how his “workday” was going while he was on his honeymoon, I struggle to believe that he was really under the impression that he was working long days on the trade show floor.

Those are facts. And there are thousands more where those came from.

And those facts don’t care about feelings – his or mine.

Now, when it comes to the particular climate of the marriage that acted as fertile soil for those deceptions to grow, I’m sure we have our own opinions and perspectives. I would have loved to have been given the opportunity to hear his side. To try to understand where the unhappiness resided and to learn more about his interpretations and outlook.

But I was never given that chance.

So all I have is my side, my best guesses at his side and the facts.

And as for the truth? I’ll never know.

Ten Ways to Shut Down a Conversation

Posted on by stilllearning2b

We all know that communication is key when it comes to building and sustaining relationships. Yet that knowledge alone isn’t sufficient to establish an open and mutually beneficial approach to conversations.

Because, let’s face it, it can be challenging to communicate when we feel emotionally threatened or when our beliefs are being challenged. We can all make the mistake of listening to respond rather than listening to understand. And we all can respond in ways that have the unindented effect of shutting down a conversation.

Much of the time, these maladaptive responses are not ill-intentioned. Instead, they often come from a place of self-preservation or a lack of attention. Like with any behavior, these reactions can become ingrained. And like with any habit, the first step to changing it is in recognizing it.

 

Ten responses that immediately shut down a conversation…

 

1 – One-Upping

The intention here is usually a good one, an attempt to share a similar experience in an attempt to express camaraderie and understanding. Yet when this analogous experience is shared too soon or expressed in such a way that makes it seem as though there is a competition, it has the opposite effect. Instead of immediately going into the details of your similar history, consider using your personal knowledge to ask the important questions or share relevant and potentially helpful information. Alternately, you can say, “I’ve experienced something similar. Would you like to hear the specifics?”

 

2 – Minimizing or Dismissing

There is a delicate balance between acknowledging somebody’s feelings and enabling their wallowing in those feelings. It may feel helpful to tell somebody that their situation “Isn’t that bad” or that they have “No reason to feel that way.” It can seem like a sort of verbal pat on the back, a message that they can handle this. And even though you may very well be right and they may be overwhelmed and overly pessimistic in the moment, minimizing their feelings will not help them move forward.

 

3 – At Least…

This is a form of minimization where you point out the positives before the person is ready to contemplate them. I heard this quite a bit in the early weeks after my ex’s disappearance. “At least you didn’t have kids.” “At least you have a job.” “At least he didn’t kill you.” And even though those were all very real and valid statements, I couldn’t hear them at that moment. This is one of those situations where the slightest turn of phrase can make quite a difference. Instead of “At least,” which implies it’s not that bad (and assumes that they also place value in what you do), try saying, “It’s good that…”

 

4 – Redirecting

Conversations rarely operate like a movie on Netflix, where you can push the pause button or change the channel and pick up where you left off. When you change the subject or interject with a joke or off-topic comment, you may be inadvertently communicating that this conversation is not important to you. Sometimes this interjection is done to introduce some levity into a serious talk or to shift gears when the discourse has veered into unproductive territory. These types of redirections can be positive as long as they’re undertaken with care and intention.

 

5 – Beginning With Your Foot Down

Boundaries are important. And so is an open mind. When you begin a conversation with your mind already made up, you are not leaving any space for the other person. In other words, it’s no longer a dialog, it’s a knock upon a door that’s been nailed shut. It’s okay to say “No, I don’t agree” and it’s also okay to listen first. When you start a conversation with your foot down and no room to budge, views have a tendency to become even more diametrically opposed instead of landing on some common ground.

 

6 – Believing the Other Person is Wrong

Unless you’re talking to somebody who is insisting that 2 + 2 is 6, it’s rare that conversational viewpoints are so clearly incorrect. (And even then, I would be curious to learn why somebody believes that 2 + 2 is 6. I may just learn something.) I have found that curiosity leads to better conversations that judgment. Even when somebody is expressing something that goes against my personal beliefs, it doesn’t mean that they’re wrong. They simply have a different view. And that is okay.

 

7 – Trying to Fix Things

Stereotypically, men are the ones who respond to everything with a ready solution, even when their opinion on a resolution isn’t requested. But this reaction is not limited to men. Women are just as likely to try to solve every expressed problem, even when it’s nothing more than an observation or a venting session. There are two problems with this response – you may not accurately identify the problem and by offering a solution without a request for advice, you are undermining the other person’s ability to take care of their own business.

 

8 – Responding With Absolutes

“You always…” “You never…” Those phrases are rarely true. Even the biggest procrastinator sometimes comes in before a deadline. And the most passive person will sometimes stand a stand. Usually when these phrases are used, it is in an attempt to get the person to do more of the opposite. Yet, by refusing to acknowledge when the desired behavior occurs, it actually lessens the chances of it occurring. Instead, try some version of, “I noticed when you [desired behavior]. I liked that.”

 

9 – Overreacting

I saved my particular struggles for last. I’ve shared before about my own tendency to overreact. When a response is at a level ten, it encourages the other person to back off and avoid triggering a similar reply in the future. Overreacting can help create an environment where it isn’t “safe” to share and where one person feels the need to “protect” the other from the truth.

 

10 – Defensiveness

For me, this comes from my deeply internalized belief that I am what I can do for others. So, when some mistake or oversight is highlighted, I easily take that to mean that I am not enough.  Ugh. A defensive response erects a wall in a middle of a conversation. When you’re busy defending, you are no longer able to listen and process new information. I’m still working on this one myself. I think a lot of it comes down to accepting the difference between somebody rejecting my idea/opinion/feelings and somebody rejecting me.

 

I listened to a podcast last year (Conversations With People Who Hate Me), which is a fascinating study of constructive and open dialog. The host, an outspoken liberal, often faces intense criticism from people with opposing views on his YouTube channel. Instead of internalizing these comments or ignoring them, he reached out to the posters and invited them onto his show.

And here’s the really impressive part – at least to me – he talks to them with NO defensiveness and NO preconceived ideas. He asks questions and listens to their responses. He’s not afraid to voice his disagreement, but he does so in a way that doesn’t shut out the other person.

The shows are often awkward. Painful, even. Yet, more often than not, the two people who started out on opposite sides of an enormous divide, manage to find some common ground and mutual respect. It’s heartwarming, motivational and inspiring. A perfect study in how NOT to shut down a conversation.

When Your Pedestal is Too High

Posted on by stilllearning2b

When I first met my ex-husband, my focus was on getting to know him. I asked questions without assuming the answers and I listened to his responses without any prior assumptions blocking the way like a clog in a drain.

And then, much like what happens when you become familiar with a character in a book, I began to construct my own view of him, assembled from his words and actions over many months.

And that view was quite favorable.

I thought this was a good viewpoint to have; I had often heard the adage that one of the keys to a happy marriage was to see your spouse through rose-colored glasses. So I minimized his faults and glorified his strengths.

My error was in not recognizing (and appreciating) the distinction between a rose-colored tint and an opaque coating of naive confidence.

I had mistakenly placed him on a pedestal and that pedestal was ultimately too high.

 

When you place your partner on a pedestal…

 

You set forth unattainable expectations. 

We become disappointed not by other’s actions, but when their actions don’t match our expectations. When you have an inflated sense of your partner’s character, abilities or intentions, you are laying the groundwork for expectations set well beyond reach. Additionally, you may begin to hold yourself up to unreachable goals as your goals become more out of touch with reality.

 

You provide no allowance for mistakes.

When you perceive someone as “perfect,” you provide them with no permission to make any errors. If they are aware of the pedestal they stand upon, this can lead to a denial and concealment of any mistakes. And if you become aware of any signs that they are flawed, you can overreact because it calls into question your assumptions.

 

You discount any signs that don’t align.

We are all subject to confirmation bias. We pay more attention to those things that confirm our beliefs than to those that threaten our assumptions. And if you happen to believe that your partner is “too good to be true,” you may well miss the signs that this is indeed the case. This threat is especially concerning if you happen to be with somebody that willingly exploits your trust.

 

You create a situation where a fall from grace is inevitable.

It’s impossible for anybody to stay perched on a pedestal forever. The fall from perfection will happen and the shockwaves can be catastrophic. This is especially acute when you feel as though your partner has “rescued” you from your past or some difficult situation. At some point, you’re going to realize that the shining armor is merely tinfoil.

 

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The mistake I made in my first marriage was to only view the good in my ex husband. As a result, it was difficult for me to be aware of his deceptions and manipulations. Any slip-ups that I knew of were magnified beyond their scope because they threatened to destroy my image of him. When the truth was finally revealed, I went from seeing him as all-good to all-bad, as though he was some malevolent monster. The reality of it is that he always had elements of both.

 

I’ve learned from my earlier mistakes. Now, with my current husband, I choose to see the truth of him (that he is both awesome and human) and focus on the best. It’s a good balance. I emphasize (and hopefully magnify) his strengths while at the same time being realistic and open-minded.

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We Don’t Talk About That

Posted on by stilllearning2b
we don't talk about that

It usually starts in childhood.

The son learns to play the clown whenever the topic of conversation begins to make his father uncomfortable. The daughter of divorced parents learns that mentioning the other parent has a tendency to end in tears, so it’s better to simply keep quiet. At school, any mention of financial struggles in the home leads to ridicule, so any words that would reveal the truth are instead swallowed. Even when the home environment is one that welcomes open dialog, the reactions of those outside the home often reinforce that it’s not considered polite or acceptable to bring up issues of death, disease or discord.

 

“We don’t talk about that,” becomes the unspoken vow of secrecy that follows most of us into adulthood.

 

As we grow and become more aware of the very real threats that exist, we continue to remain silent. Convinced that merely speaking of the thing that frightens us will give it the power to manifest. And that as long as we refuse to say its name, it does not exist. That which will not be named is relegated to the shadows where it can grow and influence without notice.

The husband, sensing a growing distance in his marriage, makes the largely unconscious decision to press onward without comment, believing that addressing the issue would only make it more formidable and would upset his wife. The mother becomes increasingly concerned about her child’s mental health but brushes away the unsettled feelings by telling herself that this is a normal part of growing up. The boss, increasingly demanding of her employees, steadfastly refuses to discuss her increasing fears of failure.

When something becomes off-limits to talk about, it only grows in power.

 

There’s a strange thing that happens when something is banned. Any parent of teenagers knows that the surest way to get them to act is to forbid them to do something. And we are not so different when it comes to banned trains of conversation; the prohibited becomes more powerful as we begin to fill in the gaps with our fears and our imaginations. Because the dialog still happens, only we are simply listening to ourselves.

The adopted child internalizes the implied rejection, assuming that it must be because she simply isn’t enough.  The young man begins to drink to try to escape his feelings of inadequacy because he’s learned that men aren’t supposed to express weakness. The  matriarch elects not to disclose her cancer diagnosis to the family after envisioning the tears that the revelation will cause. After all, isn’t it better to spare them the pain?

 

“We don’t talk about that” implies that your feelings are wrong, misguided.

 

In our modern culture, we value rational thought and have a tendency to dismiss feelings. We see them as animalistic, base and unsophisticated. We push them down. Shove them aside. Pretend that they do not exist even as we berate ourselves that we shouldn’t feel the way we do.  We feed our shame and in turn, it tells us that we need to hide our true selves.

Meanwhile, the suppressed feelings bubble to the surface in the form of increased blood pressure, recurring headaches, panic attacks or IBS. We seek answers in doctor’s office’s, self-help books, online support groups and endless therapy in pursuit of the root of all our problems.

And often it’s found in the dark, in the shadows. By finally bringing light to that which we do not talk about.

Because of instead of causing it to grow, talking about those things that scare us serves to bleed them of their power. Once we name it, bring it to the surface, it no longer can control us.

 

It’s only when we talk about it that we can begin to release it.

 

Marriage: Should I Stay or Should I Go?

Posted on by stilllearning2b
marriage: should I stay or go

From time to time, I have people contact me with a description of their marriage or their thoughts about filing for divorce. After describing the situation, they often conclude with the following question: should I stay or should I go?

I have yet to encounter an email which prompts me to answer that question directly with the advice to divorce or to stay in the marriage. After all, barring the extreme cases of physical threats and violence, that is not an outside observer’s call to make. Instead of offering a verdict, I instead pose questions gathered from the shared information.

I have found that often the inclination to stay in a marriage or to leave via divorce is often rooted in some assumptions or thoughts that have not been fully explored. These are common statements that I receive and some of the questions that I pose in response –

 

The following are not always a good reason to leave a marriage:

 

I miss or crave the independence and freedom that comes with being single.

Specifically, what does freedom look like to you? Feel like? How would being independent change how you move through life and alter the decisions you make? Are there ways to find more space and agency within your marriage?

What are some of the downsides that come with the freedoms of single hood? What are some of the positives you only gain from a long-term relationship? Is the grass actually greener, or is it because of your current perspective? Are you putting energy into watering your own grass?

How much of this feeling of being tied down can be attributed to your marriage and how much is because you’re feeling the pressure of being an adult (and maybe missing the freedoms of your youth)?

 

I have a crush on somebody and it makes me feel so alive.

Isn’t that feeling of early infatuation so powerful? What do you like about yourself when you’re with this person? What do they see in you that makes you feel desired? How are you different with them than you are with your spouse?

Are you seeing this crush in their entirety, or are they only presenting their best selves? Does the crush have the traits that would make them a good long-term partner or possible parent?

What was it like when you first met your spouse? Do you put as much energy and intention into the relationship now as you did then? Are there times when you still see your spouse through that lens of infatuation, excitement or curiosity? Do you struggle to see them apart from their role as parent or caretaker or are you taking on a “parental” role with them?

When are other times or situations that also make you feel alive?

 

I’m bored in my marriage; it’s just not exciting anymore.

Are you bored or are you boring? What are you bringing to the marital table to bring excitement or interest? Do you tend to respond with “yes” or with “no”? Are you curious about your spouse?

When was the last time you and your partner did something new together? Do you ever ask your spouse questions that you do not know the answer to?

What do you do as an individual to keep from becoming stagnant? When was the last time you did something that scares you or that you struggle with? Are you taking responsibility for your own stuff?

 

I’m feeling restless. I want to make some major changes in my life.

Have you brainstormed areas of possible change? Have you approached your spouse with some of your ideas? Are you assuming that they aren’t interested in your propositions before you’ve asked?

Are you living a life that feels purposeful? Do you have any feelings of emptiness? Do you feel like you can be yourself around others? Have you been living the life you want, or the one that someone else decided for you?

Are you uncomfortable with some area(s) of your life and you’re hoping to leave them behind? How do you envision life being different after you make these major changes?

 

I feel like my life has gone off course. This isn’t what I imagined.

Has your destination changed or is it more that the path isn’t as straightforward as you pictured? What adventures and sights have you enjoyed that you wouldn’t have if your life took the expected course?

What role did you expect your spouse to play in your life? How did you think marriage would look? Do you struggle with the contrast between the partner you imagined and the one you have?

Have you strayed from your core values and beliefs? If so, what can you do to recommit to your guiding principles?

 

My partner has changed. They are no longer the person I married.

What are some of the life events that have impacted your partner or your marriage since you met?  In what ways has your partner changed for the better? Can you find a way to reframe the other changes in a more compassionate or understanding light?

Can you respond to these changes with curiosity? Have you tried to get to know your “new” spouse? Have you talked to someone who likes your spouse as they are to gain their perspective?

Would you be upset with a child for not being the same person at high school graduation as they were in preschool? How have you changed since the beginning of the relationship? How have these changes in your partner challenged you to grow?

 

The following are not always a good reason to stay in a marriage:

 

Leaving would break my spouse’s heart.

Do you feel like it’s your role to protect your partner’s feelings and/or to take care of them? Is it fair to your spouse for you to withhold important information from them? How might they feel if they find out later that you wanted to leave?

Are you underestimating your spouse’s strength? Have you explored this thought with them? Do you know with certainty that your partner wants to stay in the marriage? How can you broach this topic with them in a kind and compassionate manner?

 

It’s easier just to stay.

If your friend described this same situation, what advice would you give them? Have you ever gone through something difficult that was worth it in the end? Is there energy required to stay?

Do you feel like you have a realistic idea of the effort needed to divorce and start a new life? Have you talked to somebody who is a year or more out of divorce to gain insight into the process? How do you think you will feel about this decision ten years down the road? Twenty?

 

I’m scared to leave. I am intimidated by starting over. I’m worried that I’ll be alone forever.

Fear can be so convincing, can’t it? What scares you the most about leaving or starting over? Are you trying to look at the whole big picture at once? Have you broken it down into smaller, more manageable steps?

What is a time in your life when you overcame a fear? How did you feel leading up to your action? How did you feel after?

Which is worse for you – the idea of feeling alone in your marriage or the idea of being alone? Is it possible that your fear is lying to you?

 

I’m staying for the kids.

Are you and your spouse able to maintain a loving and peaceful environment for the kids? Do your marital tensions impact how you interact with your children? Have you seen changes in the kids that may be indicative of their stress at home?

Will you stay after the kids leave home? How might their parent’s divorce impact them when they are older?

Have you talked to divorced parents and/or adults of divorced parents to learn more about what it’s like from someone who has experienced it? Did you have a traumatic experience from your own parents’ divorce? How could you make divorce less harmful for your children?

 

I’m hoping it will improve.

If you know for certain that your spouse and/or marriage would be the same in five years, would you decide to stay? Have you communicated your wants and needs with your partner in a way that they can understand?

Are you putting up with abusive or cruel behavior? Would you want your child to be in a marriage with somebody like your spouse?

Are you in love with your partner’s potential? Have they promised to change? Have they made any efforts? How long are you willing to wait for promised change?

 

I’m staying out of obligation.

Do you feel trapped by your marriage? Do you feel contempt and/or frustration for your partner? If so, how might that impact the energy in your home? If your spouse gave you permission to back out of your vows, how do you think you would respond?

Are there situations when it is okay to change your mind? Are there any “dealbreakers” in marriage for you? What are they?

If you discovered that your spouse was only staying out of a sense of obligation, how would you feel? Does divorce feel like failure to you?

 

And for those of you seriously considering divorce, here are twelve questions you MUST ask yourself first.