Uganda

Raw

Posted on April 22, 2013March 6, 2024 by stilllearning2b

Sleep has come in fits and spurts.

I’m in a fit right now.

Eating hasn’t come at all.

My body is still in lockdown.

I hate this physical reaction. At least now, it’s purely physical. Seeing him felt more like facing an attacker than a lover. No emotion. Just a punch to the gut and an adrenaline shot straight to the heart.

I’ve always wondered what it would be like to see him again. Now I know.

Not that I want to do again. Once is enough, thank you.

But now I know he’s in the city. And I don’t like that feeling. I liked it better when he was in Uganda. Would it be wrong to send him fictitious job offers from Africa?

My throat is raw from the pollen.

My anxiety is raw from the vision.

My body is raw from the stress.

I feel debrided.

In a way, he has been a character to me. Other than in court, the last time I saw him, he was my husband. The man who did these things has not been present in my life in flesh and blood. Yesterday, that character became embodied.

It was jarring, the way that people who have had an out of body experience talk about being slammed back into their now-unfamiliar flesh.

In the early months, I used to stare at his mug shot, looking for any signs of the man I knew. Although the man yesterday was so familiar to me, he is not the man I knew. He never will be.

Brock has been great. And so was the friend I was with when I saw my ex. The friend, who had to leave to teach a class, stayed with me until Brock and our other friends showed up. He refused to leave me alone. Of the others, I only told Brock about the situation. As much as possible, I just wanted to enjoy the day. I told Brock that I didn’t want to walk anywhere alone (out of character for me) and he was great about staying with me when I needed the bathroom or a refill.

As soon as I got home, I took a shower. I wanted to scrub away the vision along with the dirt. Brock joined me and held me as I let out the sobs that I had been holding in. Just now, as I awoke and left the bedroom, he made sure I was okay. He and Tiger continue to protect the second floor while I release my energy downstairs.

It’s strange to have this familiar feeling in my now-home. I spent many nights like this 4 years ago during the transition out of one life and into another. It feels like a violation of this life.

I learned before that the best way to drain this anxiety is to run. I guess I know my plans for after work today:) I wish I didn’t have to wait so long. I expect to be reset after 10 miles or so. Less raw. Less shaky. Hopefully hungry.

As I sat on that hill yesterday, watching my old life walk by, I was thankful to be in my life now. I was surrounded by people that have only come into my life when he walked out and now I cannot imagine life without them.

For now, I’ll enjoy one of the few positive side effects of an inability to sleep and I’ll finish the book I started yesterday, Bill Bryson’s A Walk in the Woods. Perhaps his walk will help to soothe me to slumber.

And I’ll feel safe knowing that Brock and Tiger are protecting the second floor.

The humor returns…Slaying the dragon

Who Is He?

Posted on October 11, 2012March 6, 2024 by stilllearning2b

Who is that masked man (Photo credit: Aoife city womanchile)

The search engines have been busy the past couple of days answering queries about the identity of my ex-husband. I get it. You’re curious. It’s human nature. You want to scan his face and peer into his eyes looking for clues into his actions. I know, because I have done just that. Perhaps you want to know his name or his image as a warning, the one to stay away from. Unfortunately, this would be a false security, as is he but one person and not the only one that capable of deceit.

I know his name. His face. His birthday. His social security number. His family. Yet I still do not know who he is. However, I can tell you who he was. He was my best friend. My lover. My confidant. He was the man who built a toy chest for our friend’s son’s birthday. He was the man whose scent instantly calmed me and whose arms held me like they were molded from my frame. He was a voracious reader and he devoured science fiction and fantasy novels. His favorite series was The Dark Tower, by Stephen King. He hated tomatoes and loved Sweetwater IPA. He preferred dark clothes and refused to wear V-necks. He wore his watch on his right wrist, the face to the inside of his arm. He was the man who patiently built me an office and then rebuilt it for me when I grew weary of the desk where I spent hours writing papers. He was a quick learner, but a poor student in school. He was a fan of Apple, Banana Republic, and Alice in Chains. He was never athletic due to bad knees, although he started to work out once the pounds encroached with age. He was the man who stayed up all night for a week with our third puppy who came to us with kennel cough. He was so confident that I would win Teacher of the Year, that he ordered flowers before the votes were announced. He was the man I turned to for advice and comfort. He was my everything.

He was all of these things, yet he was also the man who left his wife of ten years with a text message. He was the man who hid debts and stole money from accounts. He was the man who wooed an innocent woman, told her nothing but lies, and married her although he was already wed. He was the man that locked the dogs in the basement and drove off, not knowing that they would survive.

I do not know who he is. I don’t think he knows either. He is a man that has been consumed by whatever demons reside within him.

I have chosen not to reveal his identity for several reasons. First, it feels vindictive to put him out there. I am not his judge and jury, nor do I want to be. He has faced repercussions for his actions and, if he continues to live dishonestly, he will continue to see consequences. I don’t need to aid that; I’m confident he’ll do fine on his own. I also worry about the safety of his wife. I know they were together at the time of our divorce, eight months after the text, but I do not know her current situation. I want to protect her. I also don’t know his current situation with his parents. They have suffered enough; I don’t need to add to that. Finally, his identity does not matter. His eyes, even the dead ones in his mugshot, hold no answers. His name does not reveal any hidden truths. They are as much of a facade as everything I thought I knew about him.

So, to answer your question – who is he? He is a man. A man that was once loved deeply and who perhaps loved back. He is a man that took the wrong path at some point and chose to hide rather than seek help. Maybe by not knowing his name, you will be better able to recognize elements of him in those around you. Who is he? A man that can teach us the importance of asking for help, the value of truth, and the power of acceptance.

And, for those of you asking Google how to get away with bigamy? Just say no.

More Information: Where Is He Now?

Preventative Medicine

Posted on August 18, 2012March 6, 2024 by stilllearning2b

There is one question that I am frequently asked that I find difficult to answer.

“What advice can you give to others to keep this from happening to them?”

I wish I could dispense some nugget of wisdom that would alert to an impending tsunami divorce. I would love to be able to provide a talisman against deception and betrayal. It would be wonderful to give people the security in knowing that if they only said or did certain things that this could not happen to them. I wish I could. But I cannot.

There are no guarantees. The cancer of a compulsive liar can metastasize in even the most visibly healthy relationships. There are no guarantees but there are some signs that something wicked may be coming.

In my case, I had been with my husband since we were 16. I knew his family. I knew his childhood friends. I was with him as he grew into an adult. I saw him through struggles and triumphs. I thought I knew him as well as it is possible to know another. I was wrong. Just because you knew someone does not mean that you know them. It is natural to be more alert at the beginning stages of a relationship and then to slowly settle as you develop a comprehensive picture of who your partner is. It is not healthy or beneficial to remain on that higher state of alert for the long haul but that does not mean that one’s eyes should completely close either. We all change. It is important that your mental construct of your partner be flexible to change as well.

It was different for Amanda, my husband’s other wife. They married within three months of meeting. She had never been to Atlanta, where he lived, nor met any of his friends and family (their wedding had a couple hundred people – all on her side). That would have been a little too awkward since they all knew me as his long-time wife. He told her stories of great sums of money he was to earn from the sale of a company that he owned (actually, it was his friend’s company, not his) while he maxed out her credit cards. He was ready to leave his established life and move to Uganda with her without hesitation.Perhaps it’s just my insider perspective here, but I see huge warning signs that she could have spotted.

I think my answer to prevention can be best thought of by comparing it to physical health.

I would like to never face the ravages of cancer. I read research on the disease to educate myself about its known causes. I work to mitigate those causative factors within my life: I eat well, I exercise, I don’t smoke, etc. However, I do not let the fear of a potential disease prevent me from a day in the sun or enjoying a glass of wine. There is balance between knowledge and preventative medicine and continuing to live. I try to find that sweet spot. Regardless of how healthy I try to be, there is no promise that I will never face malignancy. All I can do is try to lower the risk factors and make sure that I am as healthy as possible in case I do have to fight that battle. And, in the meantime, I’m not wearing armor for a war that may never begin.

If You’re Going to Get Married Illegally, Be Sure to Pay the Band

Posted on May 7, 2012September 16, 2012 by stilllearning2b

One of the responses I frequently get to my story is, “What an idiot for getting caught.” He wasn’t an idiot, but he certainly underestimated me.

In my former life, I had a tendency to want to turn away from anything scary or ugly. My ex obviously knew this, and he exploited it towards the end of the marriage. I believe that he thought I would be so shocked and devastated by the “good-bye” text, that I would be paralyzed with fear. He thought wrong. Instead of hiding, instead of turning away, I was driven to find out what happened.

First, let me clarify. The text was abrupt. Sudden. The marriage that I knew, that he led me to see, was good. He refused to respond to any calls or texts after he left. He took all but one of the computers (mine), all of the financial documents, and strange things (like the discs that held the papers I wrote for grad school). The passwords on all of the accounts had been changed. It made no sense.

So, I immediately went into detective mode. By getting into the financial accounts, I learned of an affair and financial deceptions going back years. I also learned where he currently was staying (a few states over). It gave some answers. The emails gave the rest. Because of the way our accounts were linked, I was able to see the messages sent to his junk folder, which included those that were carbon copied.

It only took a few days for the first interesting email to come through. This one indicated plans for a visa for an upcoming trip to Uganda with the mistress. Interesting. Seemed like he was running.

The big shocker came three days after that. A message I had to read several times to grasp the meaning of. It initiated from a band in the town where he was staying. It seems they were looking for payment for a wedding they had recently performed at. His wedding.

Oops.

That started the chain that led to his arrest and bigamy charge.

UrbanArtMusicalEnsembles.DCS.WDC.28jul08 (Photo credit: ElvertBarnes)

Lesson 1: Don’t underestimate yourself; you are capable of more than you ever know.

Lesson 2: Don’t run away from your fears; they grow more powerful when ignored.

Lesson 3: If you’re going to get married illegally, be sure to pay the band.

If You’re Going to Get Married Illegally, Be Sure to Pay the Band

Posted on February 21, 2012June 26, 2012 by stilllearning2b

One of the responses I frequently get to my story is, “What an idiot for getting caught.” He wasn’t an idiot, but he certainly underestimated me.

So, I immediately went into detective mode. By getting into the financial accounts, I learned of an affair and financial deceptions going back years. I also learned where he currently was staying (a few states over). It gave some answers. He emails gave the rest. Because of the way our accounts were linked, I was able to see the messages sent to his junk folder, which included those that were carbon copied.

It only took a few days for the first interesting email to come through. This one indicated plans for a visa for an upcoming trip to Uganda with the mistress. Interesting. Seemed like he was running.

Oops.

That started the chain that led to his arrest and bigamy charge.

Lesson 1: Don’t underestimate yourself; you are capable of more than you ever know.

Lesson 2: Don’t run away from your fears; they grow more powerful when ignored.

Lesson 3: If you’re going to get married illegally, be sure to pay the band.

Share this:

Share this:

Share this:

Share this:

Share this: