Is My Reaction to Divorce Normal?

Posted on by stilllearning2b

The following was shared on my Facebook page recently-

“Some days I feel like I got the grief period beat and then something will happen and I catch myself crying.”

I responded in part, “That up and down is completely normal. The hurt will fade in time. Just keep your focus on where you want to be.”

“Thank you!!! It helps to hear the up and down is normal because I didn’t know what was going on.”

 

It’s amazing how much added pain comes from questioning our reaction to a situation and how reassuring it can be to discover that what we feared was “crazy” is instead completely normal and expected.

The reality is that for most of us, divorce is something we only experience once. So most people navigating the end of a marriage are crossing a scary and unfamiliar terrain. And because the experience of divorce is so much more intense and complex than you ever imagined, those held in its grasp always want to know that their experience falls within the range of “normal.”

The following reactions to divorce are completely normal:

Emotional Soup

I often hear people reference the five stages of grief in their divorce and they’ll announce what stage they currently occupy. But it’s not that simple. This construct is a helpful tool for understanding a reaction to a loss, but reality is much messier than five clearly defined stages. I like to refer to the state after divorce as emotional soup – a mix of every emotion you can imagine. And on some days, the anger will be the prominent flavor whereas the next day may be seasoned with despair. The emotions can be surprisingly intense and may stay for awhile or may suddenly appear and disappear just as quickly.

Ups and Downs

Healing after divorce is a nonlinear process. It’s not even two steps forward and one back. It’s more one step forward, a detour around to the right followed by entrapment in quicksand and a wrong turn that leads you back to where you started. Only now you know how to avoid the quicksand.

It’s completely normal to have a series of good days, where you’re feeling optimistic and confident, only to be followed by a day when it all seems impossible and you feel like the most worthless person on the planet. Instead of attempting to measure your progress by the day, take a broader view to map how far you’ve come.

Post-Divorce Mania

Post-divorce mania is characterized by an increase in energy accompanied by an intensity of focus. It’s a compelling drive, a sense of being propelled by an internal motor that refuses to idle. It often has an obsessive quality, focusing on one thing to the exclusion of all else. It can attach itself to something related to divorce (like with an overwhelming interest in discovering everything possible about the affair partner) or it can take the form of some other passion (I can’t even count how many people I met running a marathon that were experiencing post-divorce mania!).

 

Post-divorce mania is initiated by a fear of slowing down and feeling too much. It’s maintained because its compulsive nature feeds our dopamine receptors, keeping us coming back for more. It’s a side effect of the need for action, the gas pedal to the floor and the steering misaligned.

 

Over Reactions and Triggers

 I once had a breakdown in front of the sparkling water display in a Publix. Not my proudest moment, but one that I now embrace as completely ordinary after divorce. The brain has a way of tucking certain memories away for later consumption, smartly realizing that an emotional binge can have devastating results. Then these feelings can be released in a sudden torrent of tears triggered by the most mundane of things.

Memory and Cognition Issues

Your brain won’t function correctly for a time. You’ll forget things, have trouble making basic connections and struggle to form new memories. You may feel slow and sluggish in areas where you once excelled.

Your previous levels of functioning will return. In the meantime, Google, sticky notes and a calculator are your best friends.

Extreme Reactions to Dating

I will never forget the day after my divorce when I looked around the gym and suddenly realized there were men. Everywhere. And I was free to pursue any of them that were unclaimed. I was like a kid in a candy store for a time (yes, part of that post-divorce mania here!).

Others find they have the opposite response to dating – the very thought makes their stomach turn and they can’t imagine ever seeing someone new.

Both responses are normal and, in time, tend to move towards a more balanced approach.

Strong Response to the Ex Getting Married

Whether this news comes years down the road or, as in my case, before your divorce even occurs, the announcement of your ex’s nuptials will probably hit you much harder than you anticipated. It can make early feelings of rejection and loss resurface and it often triggers a sense of, “That should have been me.” It’s not easy to witness their apparent happiness when you’re still aching from the loss.

Although this reaction is intense, it tends to be brief. The last of the bubbles of your marriage floating to the surface before they dissipate in your growing new life.

Taking “Too Long” to Move On

Comparison is your enemy here. You see social media posts of your recently friends seemingly “over it” while you still cry yourself to sleep. You discover that your neighbor remarried after two years and you can’t even imagine going on a coffee date. You worry that you’re doing this divorce thing wrong since it seems like everyone else has a much easier time of it.

First, realize that you only see what others choose to show you. Fun Facebook photos and late-night crying jags are not mutually exclusive. They may appear to have moved on, but their reality could be much more complicated.

And then there is the very real fact that every person is different, every divorce unique. Here are twenty factors that strongly influence your personal divorce experience. Read them and remember that healing does not speak calendar.

A Final Note…

All of these reactions are normal. Yet, normal can become pathological if it persists for a protracted period of time or swells to a point where it severely impacts your ability to function. It’s also completely normal to need help during divorce. Ask for it when you need it.

6 Self-Care Tips When You’re Feeling Overwhelmed By Divorce

Posted on by stilllearning2b
overwhelmed

These aren’t magic elixirs that will suddenly make everything okay, but these six strategies can help you cope while divorce seems intent on bringing you down:

 

1 – Limit the Time Spent With People Who Exhaust You

It doesn’t matter if it’s your mother or your neighbor, when you’re feeling flattened by divorce, it’s okay to limit your exposure to people that you find emotionally draining. It’s okay to not answer your phone. It’s okay to come up with an excuse why you can’t make the weekly dinner this Friday. It’s okay to duck behind the couch when the doorbell rings.

Right now, you need to take care of you and if that means keeping others at arm’s length for a time, so be it.

 

2 – Say “No” to Unnecessary Obligations

Maybe you’ve always been the one to organize the neighborhood Halloween party or spearhead the new campaigns at work. Perhaps your friends are accustomed to asking you to help shuttle the children around or you are the family “go to” when discord arises.

Their expectations and your past history do not mean that you have to continue those things. This is a time to pare down, to simplify. Say “no” to those burdens that can be pushed off, ignored or delegated. You’re not helping anyone if you spread yourself so thin that you begin to disappear.

 

3 – Cut Yourself Some Slack

You are not going to operating at your normal levels of functioning right now and that. is. okay. Consider this like recovering from a major illness. You’re not going to go straight from the sick room to the starting line of a marathon. Likewise, don’t expect to leave divorce court and immediately be operating at peak capacity.

This is a perfect time to adjust your expectations. Let some things slide. Prioritize where you spend your energy. And, most importantly, forgive yourself for your mistakes and your shortcomings. You will return to your normal bad-ass self again. In the meantime, it’s okay if you’re just managing to get your ass out of bed.

 

4 – Set Yourself Up For Sleep Success

The hours between sunset and sunrise somehow manage to feel twice as long and three times as lonely when you’re struggling. You can make the nights a little more bearable by priming the pump for a calmer mind. Explore trying vigorous exercise at night to exhaust the body. Try instituting a ban on any divorce or ex-related tasks for the 2-3 hours before you retire. Make sure your bedroom feels like a comfortable space with no visible emotional reminders. Lose yourself in a story by watching, reading or listening before you retire.

If you wake up in the middle of the night and find that your nightmares have traveled with you, make an effort to interrupt your thoughts. Try an engrossing puzzle, take out your journal or even just take a bath or shower to help your mind shift gears.

 

5 – Incorporate Daily Movement

When we’re exhausted, we often think that what we need is to stop. Yet too much time in a still body makes the mind quite the active wanderer. Make a vow with yourself to move every day. Go for a walk before dinner or try some morning yoga. If you like being around people, use this as an excuse to join a team or group exercise class.

On those days when you just don’t feel like it, tell yourself you’re going to give it 5 minutes and that you have permission to stop at that point if you want. More often than not, once you begin moving, you’ll want to keep moving.

 

6 – Ask For Specific Help

People want to help. But first, they need to know that you want help and then, they need to know what sort of assistance they can offer. So tell them. I know it feels weird and maybe even shameful to admit that you can’t do it alone. Yet that’s more an internal dialog than an external truth. After all, when you offer assistance to a friend in a rough patch, are you secretly judging them or are you just happy that there is something you can do?

Ask for what you need, whether it be picking up your dry cleaning to an evening phone call to help keep the loneliness at bay. It’s amazing how freeing just a small bit of help can be when your plate is both overflowing and collapsing.

 

The way you feel right now is not the way you’ll always feel. What works for you today may no longer be appropriate tomorrow. Reevaluate your self-care strategies every 6-8 weeks and be ready to modify them as needed until that day comes when instead of feeling overwhelmed, you’re feeling energized and ready for the next step.

 

Is My Reaction to Divorce Normal?

Posted on by stilllearning2b

It’s the first question people want me to answer –

“Am I normal?”

“Have you seen this before?”

“Do others respond this way?”

When it comes to divorce, there are quite a few surprising reactions that are completely normal. Read about them here!

How to Steer Your Dreams

Posted on by stilllearning2b

I remember feeling safe. Our bodies were pressed together, recesses and curves paired together as though from complementary molds. His smell was familiar, both comforting and intoxicating, bringing contentment with a whisper of passion. My eyes were closed as we began to kiss, slow caresses that were full of promise and affection. As our lips parted, I pulled back and opened my eyes.

In my dream, I screamed and shoved him away in disgust and revulsion.

In my bed, I sat straight up, my pulse racing and my stomach queasy.

It had happened again.

For the first several months after he left, some version of this dream would visit me on a regular basis. It was one of those persistent ones. The kind that leave a lasting mark like the reddened skin after a pinch, coloring the entire day. I hated those dreams. They embodied my shock and confusion at the discovery that my protector had turned into my persecutor as the dream flipped from love to horror. Furthermore, the dream made me feel violated and dirty, as I no longer felt any sort of attraction to him.

I hated them.

But still they came.

Quickening the pulse and deadening the day.

I tired of them.

I tried ordering my brain to stop force-feeding me those images while I was defenseless.

It stubbornly refused, simply providing variations on a theme.

So I got creative.

It’s impossible to fully control your dreams. Yet you can apply some strategies that help to steer them in the direction you want:

Purge

If you fall asleep with a whole bunch of toxic sludge filling your thoughts, it is no surprise that those thoughts will work themselves into an unwanted dream. Before you head to bed, purge your mind of all those worries and fears bu simply jotting them down. This is not a full writing exercise, simply a listing of words and/or phrases that capture the negativity on your mind. Let it go first and perhaps it will let you rest in peace.

Replace

If your dream is like mine where the context is fine and the person is the problem, work to replace them in your mind. Before you fall asleep, picture the replacement in the situation. If you awake from the dream, similarly picture the stand-in. It’s often easier to tweak an element of a dream than to try to suppress the entire thing.

Edit

Another way to actively modify your dream is to rewrite the portion that causes grief. Most likely, the worst part of the “story” occurs at the point where it awakens you. So, once you are awake and in control again, finish out the story, bringing an ending that is less painful. You’re telling yourself, “Yes, that was scary. But it was not the end of the story. I can still change the outcome.”

Listen

Sometimes our dreams contain a message. Sometimes there are themes we need to address in our lives or voids we need to fill. Examine your dream, looking not at the literal components, but at the overarching truths. Is there something there that you’ve been hesitant to face in your real life? If so, this is your wake-up call.

Journal

Journal writing exists in the space between the conscious and unconscious minds. It is uniquely positioned to allow your thinking self to dialog with your feeling self. Write about your dreams without censorship. Explore the paths that appear. And don’t hesitate to build new paths as well.

Prime

Be cognizant of what you are exposed to right before bed. If your reading or viewing selection if fraught with tension and dark themes, it primes the mental pump to continue these in to slumber. Instead, select media that provides a sense of levity or comfort and allow it to infuse your dreams.

Live

This is perhaps the most important piece. Live while you are awake. Don’t allow your nightmares to limit your dreams.

Once I instituted these ideas, the dreams began to lose their power. First, their intensity was lessened as he was replaced by a replacement. I would still wake up, but I would be left with a feeling more of confusion than of horror. Then, the dreams began to lose their frequency, becoming more and more rare as I addressed the root emotions and continued to build my new life. And now, those dreams are only a memory, safely buried.

Precipice

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Sleep has been elusive of late. I’ve struggled to fall asleep and then I find myself awake again far too soon. I’ve run my Kindle battery to zero every night for the past couple weeks. I’ve moved from bedroom to couch, either to escape Brock’s movements that seem to amplify when I can’t sleep or to avoid disturbing him with mine. I’ve resorted to Benadryl to try to force my brain to slumber, but my body just laughs it off.

It’s amazing (yet not surprising) how critical sleep is. When I am tired, everything feels insurmountable, from making decisions about the house to trying to compose an essay. My temper is short and my patience shorter.

I. Just. Want. To. Sleep.

When Brock comes in the bedroom to see me still reading or comes to check on me on the couch, he inquires, “Why aren’t you sleeping?”

The short answer? I don’t know. I’ve never been a great sleeper and I’ve gone through periods where I struggled more with it than usual. Apart from the months after the divorce; however, I have not resorted to prescription sleep aids. Usually, it’s a phase. It seems like my body gets into the habit of sleeplessness and, like any habit, it can be hard to break.

The longer answer is that I am standing on the precipice of a time of great change. I know it’s coming, sooner rather than later. I can somewhat prepare but, no matter what, I cannot do enough now to make the near future any smoother.

I am in the last few precious days of my summer break before the whirlwind of the school year starts again. I just received word that Georgia has opted out of the assessment program that we have spent the last two years preparing for and there is talk of yet another curriculum overhaul. This means that the preparations that I did last year for the coming year are now null and void. I don’t know what I’m walking into next week.

We are set to move in the first couple weeks of September. I’m taking advantage of my time now to begin some packing but most of it will have to wait. Which, in a way that’s good as it says that we use most of the stuff that is in our house, but… it also means that the bulk of the packing will have to occur when I’m trying to acclimate to the new school year and Brock is consumed with some martial arts activities. Likewise, the needed purchases and updates can’t occur until after closing.

So, new school year with new assessments, new house and, let’s not forget, a new marriage all in the next couple months. All good things (okay, except maybe the new assessments), yet all change.

I think change can be easier when it comes in the form of a tsunami. You do not have the anxiety of anticipation nor the time to question it as it occurs. It just sweeps you up and carries you along as you struggle to simply keep your head above water.

Planned change can be harder. You have the illusion of control so it can be more difficult to simply let go. You can see it coming and foresee (and fabricate!) troubles that will come with it.

Right now, I feel like I should be taking action. I have time, something I will not have starting next week. However, that anticipation of the precipice is making action impossible since I cannot achieve the required rest.

I am going to do my best over the next few days to turn my back on the precipice, to not worry about what needs to be done or what may come up, and to simply be in my current moment.

Change is coming and maybe the best thing I can do to be prepared to give myself the gift of this moment. The edge will be here soon enough. Hopefully I can sleep without rolling over it.