Give Yourself Permission

Posted on by stilllearning2b

We are often our own harshest critics. We berate ourselves for the same things we respond with compassion to in others. Instead of doing the best we can, we often “should” ourselves into shame and paralysis.

 

So for today, practice being as kind to yourself as you are to others.

For today, give yourself permission to…

 

Struggle even when your struggles seem to pale in comparison to those of others.

Sometimes we measure our traumas against those of others. And when they don’t even begin to compare to the magnitude of the horror that some of faced, we believe that we shouldn’t feel the way we do. That somehow we don’t have the right to struggle because our struggles are minor compared to those around us.

Yet one trauma doesn’t negate another. Experiences are measured not by how they compare to others, but by how they compare to what you have been through. You can have a hard time even if it seems minor. Your feelings are real and valid.

 

Feel okay even when things are falling apart around you.

I attended a tragic funeral recently. And like at all such gatherings, there were moments of shared laughter as people traded stories and memories. Brief periods of respite from the pain, rising through the sadness like bubbles to the surface.

And those moments are precious. It is okay to smile even when you have tears pouring from your eyes. It’s okay to set aside the grief for a period and enjoy life. There is no rule that states that grieving and living are mutually exclusive. You can do them both at once.

 

Secretly feel relieved even when you’re devastated.

There are times when our hearts and our brains are in opposition. When we know that a loss is needed, but yet we struggle to let go. This is the death after a protracted illness or the divorce after a long period of dysfunction. We grieve outwardly, while secretly also feeling relieved that it is over.

And that’s okay, to both miss something and also be at peace with it ending.

 

Feel sad just because.

There are days when you’re just not okay. There’s no reason, at least none that you can put your finger on. You’re just sad. Or withdrawn. Or anxious.

And those feelings, whatever they are, are allowed.

When we try to tell ourselves that we shouldn’t feel that way, we tend to only amplify the sensations. Instead, give those feelings permission to be and let them move through freely.

 

Not be at your best.

Maybe you’re the star employee at work. Or typically a Grade A parent. But not today. Today, you’re struggling to get it together. And then you make it worse by comparing your performance today to your high expectations of yesterday.

It’s okay to have days where you lower the benchmark. So maybe you didn’t prepare the normal healthy breakfast for your kids this morning and you had to rely on a fast food drive through. They still ate. And for today, that’s a success.

Not every day is going to be the best performance. As long as you still show up, you’re doing it right. 

 

Ask for help.

When it comes to this life thing, we’re all in it together. There is no reason to try to do it all alone.

Asking for help is both the greatest gift we can give ourselves and the biggest sign of courage.

Give yourself permission to feel how you feel and to accept help when those feelings become too much to carry alone.

Is It Time For You To Quit One Of These Self-Appointed Jobs After Divorce?

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Prior to divorce, one of your predominate life roles is that of “husband” or “wife.” And once that position is pulled from you, it leaves a job opening that is often filled with a self-appointed role that ultimately causes more harm than good. Is it time for you to quit one (or more) of these post-divorce jobs?

Detective

In my day job, I was a math teacher, educating teenagers on how to find x. In my evenings, I dedicated myself to finding my ex so that he could face the legal repercussions of his illegal activities. Through a combination of triangulation based on account activity and Google Earth, I was able to deliver an accurate address to the police.

In the beginning, this cyber sleuthing had a purpose. Yet even once he was located and his illegal actions verified, I had trouble letting go of my new-found investigative skills. The searching felt purposeful, the details, important. By focusing on assembling information, I was able to distract myself from what I was feeling.

I decided to put in my letter of resignation for my detective role on the day after the divorce was final. I did one last search, cleared my browser history and packed away all of the accumulated paperwork. His whereabouts and activities were no longer any of my concern.

Psychiatrist

It didn’t make any sense to me. I just couldn’t wrap my brain around how my vowed protector had morphed into my persecutor, seemingly overnight. The only way that it made sense to me was if he embodied some sort of monster archetype, only described in modern psychiatric terms.

I reflected upon his childhood. I considered his traits and innate responses to stress. I carefully matched his characteristics against those that define various personality disorders until I settled on the label of sociopath. The non-violent type, as far as I knew.

For a time, I found peace in my amateur diagnosis. It was a way of finding some sense of control. By naming it, I found some dominion over it. But then memories, good memories, starting bubbling up to the surface. And I couldn’t integrate those with my current image of him. So I let go of the labels, and instead tried to see him as an imperfect man, flawed as we all are, and more a stranger to me than I knew.

Advice Columnist

Many of my coaching clients have unwittingly assumed the role of advice-giver and confidant with their exes. In the marriage, they were the competent ones, the ones who knew how to get stuff done.  And their ex partners? Let’s just say they were content with having someone else take the reins.

And even once the households were divided, the struggling ones turn to their exes for advice and assistance and the more adept ones find themselves in the position of caretaker and organizer. In some ways, it’s a mutually beneficial relationship – one person gets their needs met and the other is able to maintain a sense of control and feels as though they are needed. On the other hand, this one-way exchange keeps both people tied to the past, limiting autonomy and promoting an unhealthy dependence.

In a marriage, it’s natural to turn to your spouse for advice and to voice your opinion freely to your spouse. But after a split, the advice-giving is best done by someone else. It’s okay to step back and let your ex manage – or even mismanage – his or her own life. They are no longer your responsibility.

Medical Examiner

My marriage died a sudden death. And I had a driving need to understand why. I had no ex husband willing to talk, so I had to perform the marital post mortem with only the impression of the body remaining.

I was convinced that the only way I could obtain closure and be able to move on was if I could follow the precursors to the demise step-by-step. I examined and assembled clues like puzzle pieces. I developed theories, some more plausible than others.

It was strange, in my pursuit of the “truth,” I began to realize that the actual facts mattered less than the narrative I crafted around them. I eventually settled on an explanation that helped me forgive and let go. And only then did the drive to dissect the past fade.

Prison Warden

Divorce is scary and disorienting. Nothing is certain, everything is in question. I often hear from people that respond to this frightening period with absolutes- “I am never going to trust again,” “I am never going to let anybody in again,” “I just can’t do this.”

They are acting as sentry, building walls and posting guards around the uncertainties of life. They seek to control all that enters and prevent any unauthorized exits. For the prison warden, the rules are rigid, the mind always watchful and the expectations have been constructed around the idea that everyone is disreputable.

Being a guard against life is not only exhausting, it’s doomed to disappointment because it’s impossible to protect from all misfortune. By all means, be observant and alert. But you don’t have to wear the Kevlar vest just to live your life.

Tabloid Journalist

“Can you believe what he did now?” I asked my coworker after informing her of my ex’s latest shenanigans. The news brought her some entertainment and distraction from work and sharing it made me feel important. Of course, in order to maintain interest, the news always has to be fresh and ideally, each new story tops the last.

This self-appointed role combines the obsessiveness of the detective with a need for attention and validation. The salacious details are mined and then shared, followed by the reward of a shot of feel-good dopamine.

The tabloid journalist requires drama to survive. Even if they are not directly manufacturing it, they are elevating it through attention and energy. It feels boring at first, turning away from the revelatory details. But it soon becomes freeing as you realize you are not dependent upon “likes” for your friendships and you have time and energy to dedicate to more advantageous pursuits.

Defense Attorney

For almost a year, I carried a printout of my ex’s mug shot and associated newspaper article. Whenever I would have to deal with somebody about a delinquent account or talk to another attorney, I would present them with the paper. It was my clumsy attempt at saying, “I’m innocent. He’s the one who did this! Please don’t judge me.”

Part of my drive to proclaim my innocence came from my ex’s attempts at gaslighting. He had engaged in some extensive character assassination behind my back while we were married, spinning horrific (and quite creative) falsehoods about me. And so I became obsessed about trying to clear my name and restore my reputation.

Eventually, I realized that those who knew me didn’t need my evidence of innocence, they had faith in me regardless. Those that had been fed a steady diet of lies by my ex were unswayable and so were not worth my efforts. And the relative strangers that I was so determined to convince? They didn’t really care whose “fault” things were, they were just doing a job.

 

Take an honest inventory of the roles you’ve assumed after your divorce – are they serving you or is time to quit and move on to a new line of work?

The Mistake You May Be Making With Your Divorce Pain

Posted on by stilllearning2b

“Why am I still hurting so badly?” the email implores of me, the writer speaking of her ten-year-old divorce.

As I read her message that details her divorce and her continued and prolonged sadness, I found myself thinking about how the modern western world handles death.

Before the rise of the modern medical and funeral industries, death was truly a family affair. Most people died at home, where there bodies were then washed and dressed by their loved ones. This intimate experience provided an opportunity for the survivors to come to terms with the loss and to grieve together. Denial or avoidance of the reality was simply not an option; there was too much to do.

Death has now become sanitized. Distanced. We have the ability to turn away when it becomes too much. We can keep the discomfort at arm’s length while we fill our minds with no shortage of distractions. By avoiding the grief, we prolong the grief.

And we’ve gotten quite adept at avoiding pain.

Not only when it comes to death, but also when it comes to divorce.

At first, it seems ideal to try to give the pain a wide berth. After all, we’re often advised, “If it hurts, don’t do it.” But sometimes that detour around the discomfort is an endless path and the only way out is through the thick of the heartbreak. Here, let me guide you.

How to Deal With the Pain From Divorce

 

When you continually avoid the pain, every time you feel the agony, it’s as raw as the first time.

 

Whenever I have an open day off work, I like to go to a Korean sauna across town. The wet area of the facility has a variety of pools ranging from hot to cold. Verycold. When I first lower my body into the frigid water, I gasp and then stop breathing as my body is shocked into silence. The cold slices through my skin and my panicking brain begs for me to leave.

Sometimes I listen to the alarm in my mind and I quickly exit the pool, where I immediately warm up again. Of course then, if I decide to reenter the pool, I have to start from scratch, beginning with the initial pain of the icy waters.

Other times, I am able to stay in the water. I focus on my breathing – slow deep inhale, pause, slow full exhale – until the screaming in my brain finally quiets. And as I hold my body still, a strange thing begins to happen. The shock and discomfort of the cold begins to recede and is instead replaced by a sense of calm surrender.

Emotional pain is no different. If you strive to avoid the discomfort, you inadvertently expose yourself to the initial trauma time and time again. However, with prolonged exposure, you begin to acclimate to the grief. You begin to trust that even though it is terrible, it is not fatal. You learn how to focus on loosening the bindings around your heart so that you can allow your breath in and in doing so, begin to calm the mind.

If you’re struggling to stay with emotional pain, start by training yourself to tolerate physical discomfort. Try hot yoga, distance running or even an ice cold bath. Let the body begin to teach the mind.

Recognize the power that you’re giving the pain when you constantly strive to avoid it.  We seek to turn away from pain because we fear it, yet maybe what we should really fear is the denial of a natural and ultimately, illuminating, emotion.

When you repeatedly tell your story, you move from character to narrator.

 

 

When trauma first happens, people are often compelled to tell their story, with all its gory details, to anyone who will listen (or at least pretend to listen). This early telling is emotional. A re-experiencing where the body punctuates each word with its visceral memories of the pain.

And in time, this drive to recite the story fades. And often at this point, people pack up their memories and lock them away in some dark recess of the mind. Yet in doing so, they’re missing a powerful healing opportunity.

Researchhas revealed that the power of EMDR, a type of therapy that uses eye movements to help neutralize trauma, is not in the specialized actions, but in the continual recounting of the difficult experience in a safe and supportive environment. With repeated exposure, the person gains a little more distance from the pain and even begins to feel some power over it as they begin to shape the narrative structure around their memories.

Another way to practice retelling your story until you gain some space is through the use of journaling. Write your experience. Take a slightly different viewpoint and write it again. Try expressing it in third person. As you expose yourself to the pain repeatedly, it loses its power over you.

Healing from intense pain is like suturing a deep wound.

 

 

I remember being so raw. Emotionally guuted and bleeding tears. Yet life continued and I was needed. So I managed to tuck the pain inside for most of the days so that I could function in the world. And to many, I probably appeared fine. But the wound was only closed on the surface. The real healing was happening beneath.

The care for an emotional wound is not unlike a physical one. Let it breath. You may need to keep it covered while you’re at work or when you have to put on a brave face for the kids. But when it’s safe, take off the bandage and let the fresh air in.

Keep the wound clean to avoid festering. Sometimes you have to remove debris that is impeding healing. And it will sting. But that pain is necessary to keep you healthy.

Don’t poke at it. Differentiate between pain that is helpful (exploring your response to a trigger) and unneeded agony (checking your ex’s Facebook every day).

And like a physical wound, once the injury has already occurred, the offending object that caused the damage is no longer of consequence. Only the healing matters.

Don’t wait until you are healed to begin living. There are smiles to be found amongst the tears.

 

Part of dealing with the pain is being with the pain. But that’s not the whole story. Because even though you hurt right now, you are not only the hurt. Pain does not restrict you to a waiting room while life passes you by. It’s okay to keep living even while you still ache. After all, smiles and tears can often be found together.

 

Rewriting the End of a Relationship

Posted on by stilllearning2b

The end of your relationship isn’t the end of your dreams or of your happiness. It just may be about discovery, renovation, and learning to let go.

____

When a relationship ends, it is natural to focus on what is lost, to fully submerge in the heartache and mourn the departed. It is all too easy to become so mired in the sadness that the end of a relationship is extrapolated to mean the end of so much more. But that’s just your wounded heart speaking. And it has a tendency to exaggerate.

The End of Your Relationship is Not…

The End of Hopes and Dreams

After all, lost dreams are better than no dreams at all.

When my ex walked out the door, he took my dreams with him. He carried out the trips we had planned over dinners and walks, running over them with his car until they were but black marks on the street. He hefted the retirement daydreams onto his back and launched them in the dumpster as he drove away. The house plans and projects were sent through the shredder before being addressed to the incinerator. He even stuffed his pockets with the small yearnings, the desire to grow old together and to watch our world evolve. He took it all.

For years, I was afraid to dream. Afraid that it would again be stolen by a thief in the night. But then I realized how limiting that was. Silly, even. After all, lost dreams are better than no dreams at all. I’ve since worked to build new visions, both solo and with my second husband. I again carry hope for the future and paint images of a desired life.When a relationship ends, some dreams are dashed but that simply clears the way for new ones. Maybe even better ones.

The End of Intimacy

There is an ease found in a developed relationship. A sense of truly being known and accepted, fears and all. I worried that I would never again feel that deep connection with someone and, once I started dating again, my fears were confirmed. I felt a distance with each date. A sense of observing the interaction rather than feeling it. I blamed the men, assuming that there was something special about my connection with my ex that allowed true intimacy to develop.

But what I neglected to consider is that time is the true medium needed for intimacy to flourish. It is not fair to compare the infancy stage of one relationship to the fully-developed period of another.

It’s scary to open up again, to risk the pain of loss and heartbreak. But if you are willing to take the risk, the fulfillment of true intimacy may again be your reward.

The End of Family

My ex and I knew each other since high school; his family became my family. When he elected to abandon the marriage, his family followed suit. I mourned the loss not only of the marriage, but of the extended network that we were embedded within.

There’s a strange distortion that often happens at the end of a relationship, where the past is viewed as better than it was and the future is perceived to be bleaker than it is.

I did lose that family but the divorce did not mean the loss of family altogether. In fact, it strengthened the bond with my own relatives, especially my father. It made me more open and committed to my friends, who truly became family to me.

It’s painful to be ostracized from a social group, to feel like a pariah in the same moments you are mourning a marriage. But it is also an opportunity to build and fortify new connections.

The End of Happiness

We all have a tendency to believe that the way we feel in a given moment is the way we will always feel. And after a divorce or break-up, that’s a pretty abysmal thought.

There’s a strange distortion that often happens at the end of a relationship, where the past is viewed as better than it was and the future is perceived to be bleaker than it is. We may have believed that we were happy in our relationships, but we often mistake comfort for happiness.

Happiness comes when there is an agreement between your perceptions and your reality. It is found when you are able to be yourself and are not afraid to face any obstacles in your path. Happiness is not found from others; it comes from within. Only you can make you happy.

The end of a relationship may feel like the end of happiness. But all it can do is delay it for a while.

We resist endings, often preferring to hold on to what we know rather than move forth into the unfamiliar.

The End of Your Relationship Is…

Change

The secret to successfully navigating any change in your life is found in your ability to adapt to the new environment.

In the beginning, I classified my divorce as ruinous, especially considering the numerous betrayals and deceptions. It was an attack. I was a victim. And I had to learn to live in a world destroyed.

But now, years later, I no longer see it as completely injurious. In fact, in some ways, that horrible year was the best episode of my existence, the rock bottom that became the foundation of a better life.

The end of a relationship is ultimately neither good nor bad. It’s simply different. It may be planned or delivered in a blow. Wanted or undesired. Regardless, it is a change that touches every aspect of your life. And change, in any magnitude or guise, is hard.

Adaptation

The secret to successfully navigating any change in your life is found in your ability to adapt to the new environment. It’s difficult to negotiate the transition from partnered to single, especially if it was a choice thrust upon you.

When I first started dating again, I made the mistake of immediately acting married. I’m sure I spooked a few guys, but I never intended to come on too strong or too fast. It was just that I was still learning to adapt; I knew how to be married but I had to learn how to be single.

As with everything, practice makes better. Give yourself the time and opportunity to adapt to your new reality. New is always uncomfortable. But nothing stays new forever. You are stronger and more resilient than you ever imagined. You will adapt.

Letting Go

When I felt the last scraps of the marriage slide through my fingers, I responded with panic, grasping on to whatever I could. I sent him desperate messages, imploring him to reconsider. I entertained fantasies where somehow everything was a big mistake and reality would return again.

It’s so difficult to let go. To release our beliefs about the person we loved and the resilience of the relationship. It is scary to let go and trust that you will survive when you don’t yet know how far you will fall. Letting go is a battle between faith and fear. It takes courage to bridge to release your past and trust in your future.

Letting go is the ultimate gift to yourself. It’s a gift of freedom.

Renovation

Choose to be a student of life rather than a victim of circumstance.

When strangers and acquaintances asked intrusive questions about my life in the year after the divorce, I responded with the statement, “I am in the middle of a major life renovation.” And really, what could have been more true? When your life is torn down to the studs, you have the opportunity to rebuild however you want.

The end of a relationship is a time to make deliberate decisions about your life. It’s a time to evaluate what you have and remove or repurpose what no longer fits. It’s an opportunity for you to be the architect of your life without anyone else trying to change your plans.

Discovery

The best lessons are found when we are open and bleeding. When our defenses are down and we are searching for meaning and reassurances.

As I started writing about the end of my marriage, I was amazed to discover connections between the divorce and my childhood wounds. I found patterns in my responses to situations and, once identified, I was able to work to change those behaviors. I have learned more about myself in the past five years than I did in the first thirty plus.

Use the end of a relationship as an opportunity to reflect. To gain perspective and to make conscious changes. Choose to be a student of life rather than a victim of circumstance.

Opportunity

The end of a relationship is a brief window of opportunity because when nothing is certain, anything is possible.

Every ending holds the seed to another beginning. Let it grow.

Six Ways That Dogs Help Us Heal

Posted on by stilllearning2b

In so many ways, every dog is a therapy dog.

 

1 – Dogs Are a Reflection of Our Energetic State

Watch a dog for any length of time and you will learn things about their human companions. Dogs reflect our inner emotional and energetic state. They become a mirror, often giving us a glimpse into ourselves that we struggle to see otherwise.

In order to have a calm and happy dog, you have to learn how to moderate your emotional state and manage your anxieties. They become a living form of biofeedback. As your breathing rate slows and your thoughts become centered, your dog soon settles and becomes ready to listen.

One of my favorite quotes from Cesar Millan (the Dog Whisperer” is, “Dogs tell the truth. People tell a story.” And isn’t that the truth. We claim to fine. But our dogs often reveal otherwise.  We would be well-served by listening.

girl-1160441__480

 

2 – Dogs Give Us Unbridled Love

There is nothing like being greeted by a dog when you come home. That open mouth that seems to show pure delight. The wagging tail that carries the enthusiasm through the entire body, too big to be contained. And the immediate request for affection and bonding. They don’t care that you screwed up at work or that you accidentally put on two different socks that morning. Dogs default to acceptance rather than criticism. Which is often a welcome change from the rest of the world.

When you’re sad around a dog, you’re never sad alone. They seem to know when we need a snuggle and they’re not afraid of a few tears. No matter how much we worry that we’re not enough, that we’re unlovable or that we’re not a good person, our dogs help to remind us otherwise. Their love is not contingent on anything other than being a part of their pack.

dog-1149964__480 (1)

 

3 – Dogs Force Us to Step Outside

I can’t tell you how many mornings I step outside into rather unpleasant weather and I’m tempted to give up on my daily pre-work walk. And then I look down at Kazh, whose tail is already wagging in anticipation of the outing despite the weather, and I obligingly lace up my shoes.

Dogs inspire us to step outside – both literally and metaphorically – when we’d often rather hide within ourselves. Their cold, insistent nose nudges us, reminding us that there is life to live and adventures to be had.

They remind us that exercise is important. With their “live in the moment” mindset, they help us to see even the most mundane act as part of a glorious adventure. On walks, they insist on stopping to smell pee upon the roses, a reminder that the journey is as important as the destination.

pug-690566__480

 

4 – Dogs Encourage Interaction With Others

When I run alone, I rarely talk to people. When I run with a dog, I rarely return home without meeting someone new. Dogs are not only social creatures, they are social lubricant. They force us to interact with others even when we’re in a hibernation and isolation mood.  Not only do they encourage interaction, they encourage positive interaction. It’s hard to be grumpy or judgmental when you’re petting a new dog.

We are also social creatures. Our mental health improves when we are around others. We thrive when have established human – and animal – connections. Dogs help to nurture these relationships when we’re struggling to do on our own.

pit-bull-2047469__480

5 – Dogs Help Us Build Confidence

I love teaching children how to walk my pit bull. At first, they’re hesitant. After all, this is a dog that greatly overpowers them on a physical level. And then I explain how the dog responds to confidence. Walk with your head up. Your shoulders back. Stride with purpose and conviction. The dog will listen if you believe in what you’re doing.

Dogs are experts at sniffing out insecurities. If you’re not sure, they have no reason to pay any attention to what you’re asking them to do. But once you learn to believe in yourself? That dog will do anything you ask. And that’s a great motivator to begin to trust yourself.

fuca-2491995__480.jpg

6 – Dogs Teach Us the Importance of Boundaries

Have you ever entered a home that is ruled by the dog? It tends to be pretty chaotic. Like humans, dogs will try to get away with whatever they can. They will test your boundaries.

Many people struggle with setting and maintaining boundaries. They’re concerned about being liked or being perceived as easy to get along with. And so they let others get away with too much. It’s hard to set boundaries with people. They push back, often painfully, by picking at our biggest fears.

Dogs offer up a wonderful training ground to learn how to set and maintain boundaries. They still test us, but we are much less likely to take it personally when a dog tries to sneak up on the couch than when an addict claims, “You’d help me if you loved me.” Our dogs help us learn how to use boundaries. It’s then up to us to use them with humans.

 

This post is dedicated to the dogs of lives.