Ever Been Told, “You Shouldn’t Feel That Way?”

Posted on by stilllearning2b

You shouldn’t feel that way.

Get over it.

You’re overreacting.

Have you ever heard any of those statements? Those remarks that leave you angry and confused. Hackles up, yet questioning if the other person is right? Why do people make those remarks? Is it out of ignorance or attack? Are they trying to help or harm? How can we respond those who tell us we do not have the right to feel the way we feel?

I work with middle schoolers – a group that is well recognized for being very emotional and reactive. I have seen a girl become suicidal after a dismissive comment by a friend. I have seen a boy with a shattered face after a fight over a mustard packet. To the outside person, those reactions seem well over the top, like calling the fire department to extinguish a candle. I could have pulled those students aside and told them they were overreacting. I could have said that they should get over it. I could have shared stories of others that had it worse to downplay their feelings.

I think we all realize that such an approach would not be helpful. Simply telling the girl that her despair was stupid or the boy that he shouldn’t be angry would do nothing to dial down their emotions. In fact, it would have made the situation worse because then it would be introducing an element of shame, causing them to question if there is something wrong with them for feeling the way they do.

When we respond with ‘shoulds,’ we are responding only to the surface. If someone appears to be overreacting, there is often much more beneath. That was the case with these two students. The girl’s sister had committed suicide the previous summer. She was feeling abandoned and lost. When her friend slighted her, she felt alone and hopeless. The boy’s family had fallen upon hard times. His only meals were through the school. To him, that packet of mustard was life or death.

So why are we so quick to dismiss the feelings of others? Sometimes, it is from a lack of empathy, an inability or refusal to put yourself in another’s shoes. Sometimes, you may have the empathy but you lack the understanding. Maybe you’re missing key information that explains the reaction. Maybe you want to help, but you’re frustrated and don’t now how.

The truth is that we can never know completely how someone else feels. It’s based on past and perception, two things that are unique to each individual. When it seems that someone’s reaction is over the top, maybe it just means that their brain needs time to catch up with the past pains held in the heart. Rather than berate the brain for not moving faster, try supporting the heart while the brain moves forward. All the heart wants is to be accepted.

If you are the recipient of the ‘shoulds,’ try not to internalize the statement. It is okay to feel the way you feel. Try to see the motivation behind the statement – is this person trying to help you or are they simply unable to comprehend your pain? Also be open to the idea that your past and your perceptions may be harming your present. It’s okay to feel the way you feel and it is also okay to not want to feel that way and to work to make it better.

As for my two students, we (teachers and counselors) worked to validate their feelings in the moment while helping them to understand why they reacted the way they did and how they can cope better in the future. Rather than telling them how they should feel from a place of judgement, we showed them how they could feel better by coming from a place of love. And that is how we should all feel.

You Shouldn’t Feel That Way

Posted on by stilllearning2b

sad

You shouldn’t feel that way.

Get over it.

You’re overreacting.

Have you ever heard any of those statements? Those remarks that leave you angry and confused. Hackles up, yet questioning if the other person is right? Why do people make those remarks? Is it out of ignorance or attack? Are they trying to help or harm? How can we respond those who tell us we do not have the right to feel the way we feel?

I work with middle schoolers – a group that is well recognized for being very emotional and reactive. I have seen a girl become suicidal after a dismissive comment by a friend. I have seen a boy with a shattered face after a fight over a mustard packet. To the outside person, those reactions seem well over the top, like calling the fire department to extinguish a candle. I could have pulled those students aside and told them they were overreacting. I could have said that they should get over it. I could have shared stories of others that had it worse to downplay their feelings.

I think we all realize that such an approach would not be helpful. Simply telling the girl that her despair was stupid or the boy that he shouldn’t be angry would do nothing to dial down their emotions. In fact, it would have made the situation worse because then it would be introducing an element of shame, causing them to question if there is something wrong with them for feeling the way they do.

When we respond with ‘shoulds,’ we are responding only to the surface. If someone appears to be overreacting, there is often much more beneath. That was the case with these two students. The girl’s sister had committed suicide the previous summer. She was feeling abandoned and lost. When her friend slighted her, she felt alone and hopeless. The boy’s family had fallen upon hard times. His only meals were through the school. To him, that packet of mustard was life or death.

So why are we so quick to dismiss the feelings of others? Sometimes, it is from a lack of empathy, an inability or refusal to put yourself in another’s shoes. Sometimes, you may have the empathy but you lack the understanding. Maybe you’re missing key information that explains the reaction. Maybe you want to help, but you’re frustrated and don’t now how.

The truth is that we can never know completely how someone else feels. It’s based on past and perception, two things that are unique to each individual. When it seems that someone’s reaction is over the top, maybe it just means that their brain needs time to catch up with the past pains held in the heart. Rather than berate the brain for not moving faster, try supporting the heart while the brain moves forward. All the heart wants is to be accepted.

If you are the recipient of the ‘shoulds,’ try not to internalize the statement. It is okay to feel the way you feel. Try to see the motivation behind the statement – is this person trying to help you or are they simply unable to comprehend your pain? Also be open to the idea that your past and your perceptions may be harming your present. It’s okay to feel the way you feel and it is also okay to not want to feel that way and to work to make it better.

As for my two students, we (teachers and counselors) worked to validate their feelings in the moment while helping them to understand why they reacted the way they did and how they can cope better in the future. Rather than telling them how they should feel from a place of judgement, we showed them how they could feel better by coming from a place of love. And that is how we should all feel.

10 Things My Vibrams Taught Me About Relationships

Posted on by stilllearning2b

My minimalist barefoot-style  running shoes have taught me about running and, in turn, about relationships.  Here is what I have learned:

1)  It’s Better to Feel What is Around You

In regular running shoes, the thick outer sole prevents any contact between your foot and the ground; you are barely even aware of the different environments underfoot.  In Vibrams, the thick sole allows you to discern the difference between soil and sand, asphalt and rock.  It makes for a more  fulfilling run, as you connect with the earth underfoot.  Likewise, allowing yourself to feel in a relationship makes the experience richer and more vibrant.  Be aware of what is around you, tune in to yourself and your partner, expose the soul.

2) Shields Are an Illusion

I used to wear the shoes made to run trails that had a rigid sole and came up higher on the ankle.  I reasoned that these shoes would help to protect me from the dangers that lie along the trail in the form of roots, rocks, and other objects lying in wait ti twist an ankle or stub a toe.  These shoes never prevented any injuries, they simply looked impressive on the outside.  I was guilty of applying the “bigger shield” mentality to  my relationships; I thought if I built up a wall tough enough, it could keep the pain out.  Turns out it doesn’t work.

3) If Something Makes You Uncomfortable, Try Changing Your Approach

In Vibrams, you can’t just barrel through any terrain without thought.  Some surfaces hurt.  A lot. After a few disastrous attempts on a particular patch of earth that is covered in sweet gum balls, I learned to take a different approach through that spot.  I now  view it as a mini obstacle course, bouncing on my toes through the grenade strewn landscape.  I have found that this can  work in relationships, too.  When one approach doesn’t work, instead of giving up or persisting while frustration grows, try shifting to a new approach.

4) Go Slowly

When I first started using Vibrams, I was routinely running 6-12 miles at a stretch.  Luckily, I listened to advice and started out very slowly with the new shoes, running only about a quarter  mile first time out. I still had some discomfort and had to negotiate a learning curve, but I avoided the pain of too much, too soon.  My partner I  took a similar approach  to our relationship, moving slowly, adjusting to each stage and each other.  I think that approach has also helped us to avoid too many growing pains.

5) Flexibility Helps  to Prevent Injuries

Minimalist shoes cause your foot to flex  and bend around barriers.  The more flexible you are, the fewer injuries you will sustain.  In love, too, it helps to  be flexible rather than rigid in one’s ways.

6) A Little Insulation Can Make a World of Difference

My Vibrams had always been  my warm weather running shoes due to their utter lack of any sort of insulation. I made the mistake of taking them out on a relatively warm day last month and I couldn’t feel my toes for hours.  I finally purchased a pair of socks to wear under them for winter runs,and now my toes are happy even when the mercury drops.  In a relationship, the insulation comes in the form of the little things that remind you of the love, even in thr tough times: the notes, the texts, the touches.  They provide the warmth on an otherwise cold day.

7) Work With Your Nature

Barefoot running has taken off partly because of the research supporting a more natural running style.  It teaches you to accept the way you are, the way you move, and work with it, rather than fight against it.  In any successful partnership, the character of each person should be acknowledged and celebrated for what it is  rather than trying to mold it into something it is not.

8) Just Because Something is Unfamiliar, Doesn’t Mean You Won’t Love It

Those first few runs in five fingered shoes felt strange.  Very strange.  Stick with it, before you know  it it’s the regular shoes that feel alien.  A new relationship was like that for me also.  It was disconcerting to be in a familiar place with an unfamiliar person.  I’m glad I stuck it out through the strangeness, because now I love where I am.

9) Be Adaptable

One of my favorite aspects of Vibrams is their adaptability.  They work in water, on the beach, on the road, or in a mud run.  I try to be just as adaptable.

10) It’s Okay to Look Silly

Let’s face it, Vibrams are not the hottest looking shoe around.  In fact, they look downright silly.  And that is okay.  In a relationship, it is okay (in fact, great) to let your hair down and embrace the silly.  With or without the shoes.