The Nature of Change

Posted on by stilllearning2b

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“Why can’t you fly?” the caterpillar’s partner screams at them. The caterpillar is confused. After all, their partner knew they couldn’t fly from the very beginning of the relationship.

“Did you see Kelly’s wings? They’re so strong and beautiful. I wish you had wings like that,” the partner mentions to the caterpillar. The caterpillar curls into itself, feeling ashamed for what it lacks.

“I bought this for you,” the caterpillar’s partner says in a hopeful voice, presenting a self-help book on metamorphosis. “I’ll be sure to read this,” the caterpillar responds, while inwardly grumbling that they have no interest or need in the book.

“I just don’t get it,” the caterpillar’s partner whines to the couple’s therapist. “Everything would be fine with us if they would just get wings.” The caterpillar begins to grow resentful and feel unappreciated.

“I know you want me to fly,” the caterpillar says softly to their partner. “I’m trying. I really am.” The partner responds, “If you loved me, you would fly.” The caterpillar begins to wonder if they do love their partner. Maybe that’s the problem.

In the dark hours of the night, the caterpillar is thinking, “I’m not good enough for them; they don’t love me as I am.” Down the hall, the partner writes in their journal, “I’m not good enough; they won’t change for me.”

One day, the caterpillar makes a difficult decision. “I’m leaving,” they tell their partner. “I’m not what you want me to be and I believe you’ll be happier without me.”

At some point later, the partner comes across a picture of their ex. “Why couldn’t they change for me,” they lament. “I must not be lovable.” All because the caterpillar wasn’t able to change until they were ready.

 

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How Do You Make Your Partner Happy?

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Short answer?

You can’t.

 

But that doesn’t mean that you have to sit by helplessly while they’re miserable.

 

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It all starts with understanding the distinction between caring about your partner’s happiness and taking responsibility for their happiness. The former is hopefully a keystone in every supportive relationship. If you care about someone, you obviously want the best for them. You want to do things that bring a smile to their face and mitigate the circumstances that bring them down.

Yet it is beyond your ability to MAKE them happy. Period. End of story. No matter what you do (or what they say), it is simply impossible for you to make another person happy.

That is an inside job.

 

 

Encourage Them When They’re Down

Remind them of their strengths. Of their previous successes. Without dismissing their concerns, highlight the more positive aspects of the situation. Express your belief and confidence in them – “I know you have this and I’ll have your back while you get through.”

 

Support Their Outlets

Accept that you cannot meet all of your partner’s needs. Actively encourage them to seek out their preferred outlets for release and support, whether that be time with a group of friends or alone time on a trail.

 

Distinguish Between Their Wants/Needs and What You Want For Them

It’s easy to get these two things confused and feel frustrated when our efforts are not appreciated because we’re working towards the wrong goal. Even if you disagree with their approach, your role is to act as a sounding board, not a dictatorial advisor.

 

Listen Without Judgment or Trying to Fix

One of the most important roles a marriage can provide is a place of sanctuary when it feels like the world is out to get you. Strive to be that safe place where they can speak without immediately facing unwanted advice or criticism. It doesn’t mean that you cannot disagree, just do it with intention and save it for the important things.

 

Respect Their Boundaries

For some of us, the sight of someone in distress is like a beacon, summoning us to be the rescuers. But they are an autonomous adult. When we swoop in, we’re sending the message that they are not capable of handling things on their own. You can hold their hand, but you can’t do the work for them.

 

Look For Ways to Bring in Delight

Actively seek ways to brighten your partner’s day. It can be as simple as a flirty note or funny GIF sent through text. This focus also helps to shift your mood if you have a tendency to get caught up in their unhappiness.

 

Spread Your Burdens

It’s natural to unload our biggest burdens on our partners. Yet it can also be a lot to bear. So make sure that you have more people than just your partner to share your own fears and struggles with. Even if you have to hire a listening ear.

 

Bring Your Best Self

And this means taking care of yourself. If you find that your partner’s unhappiness is increasing your own, address your own well-being. Do more of the things that make you happy. One of the best things you can do to increase their happiness is to take care of your own.

 

Accept Your Limitations and Respect Your Own Boundaries

Sometimes our partner’s unhappiness is more than a passing phase. If you suspect your spouse is depressed, it’s time to bring in professional help. And if they continually resist intervention, you have to make the decision how long you’re willing to wait. I often hear, “don’t leave your partner in a fire,” yet you also have to decide if you’re willing to burn if they continually deny the flames. You cannot fix them. All you can do is love them and support them while they fix themselves.

 

Unraveling Expectations: The Good, the Bad and the Ugly

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Join me on a little thought experiment as we consider two different situations…

Situation 1 – You go on a blind date, knowing nothing at all about the person before you meet. The date went well, not great but also not terrible. You had some good conversation and you think they’re a quality person, but you doubt you’ll ever see them again.

Situation 2 – You meet somebody on an online dating site. Due to your schedules, you are unable to meet in person for several weeks. During that time, the two of you have been texting and messaging constantly. The texts are flirtatious and even begin to tiptoe into some deep territory. “Maybe they’re the one,” you think to yourself as you excitedly get ready for your first date. The date goes well, not great but also not terrible. You had some good conversation and you think they’re a quality person, but you’re just not feeling it.

Even though the dates themselves are identical, how would your feelings about them differ? I would expect that the first situation would be easily shrugged off, whereas the second situation may well knock you down a bit, possibly even prompting worries about being alone forever.

What is the difference between the two?

 

Expectations.

 

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As anyone with a dog around dinnertime knows, expectations are a powerful force. Unless you live a life without any predictability or patterns, expectations are necessary to navigate efficiently in a complex world. We expect the sun at the beach to be intense, so we respond by bringing an umbrella and sunscreen. We expect a toddler to become irritable on a long car ride, so we stash snacks and toys in anticipation.

But expectations are not always so benign. They have a way of sneaking up on us, whispering temptations into our ears and then running away unrestrained. We follow, only to end up face-planted as we trip over our own predictions when they fail to materialize. Other times, past trauma has primed the pump for expecting the worst, even when the worst is no longer the reality.

We cannot eliminate expectations from our lives. They’re innate and needed. But we can also learn to understand them better and we can become better at managing them so that we don’t continually break our own hearts.

Expectations can be trip wires in all areas of life – relationships, work, health, etc. I’m going to focus on expectations in relationships, although much of this applies to expectations in other arenas as well.

 

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Expectations

 

The Good

Since we often face counsel to “let go of expectations,” we rarely take the time to reflect upon their benefits –

Opportunity to Gain Self-Awareness

We all develop our own personal narrative, stories that pass through our brains, spinning yarns and asserting beliefs. All too often, those personal narratives become tainted, as drops of fear or insecurity bleed throughout the story, altering and staining it without enough external influence to right the path. And expectations can come from those painful places. After all, a fear of abandonment is really an expectation of abandonment sparked from some prior experience.

We are not always aware of our internal narrative. It’s too close, too much a part of us. But disappointment is a handy way to recognize when our expectations are out of alignment. So let those times when you feel let down by someone become an opportunity to look within. What were you expecting? Where did that expectation come from? The answers to those two questions can give you some great insight into yourself.

 

Keeps Us From Settling For Less

Sometimes expectations act to inform us what we deserve. This is especially true when we come from a healthy and loving family and we anticipate others to treat us in the same way.

Expectations can act like a minimum fill line in a pool, alerting us to behaviors that fall below a certain threshold. In a relationship, it is perfectly appropriate to expect to feel safe, to feel loved much of the time and to have an atmosphere of honesty and respect.

 

Allows Relationships to Operate Efficiently

Expectations and habit allow us to shift some of our daily lives to autopilot. This isn’t always ideal, but in a busy world, it’s often necessary. When we have an idea what to expect from our partner, we can shift our own choices accordingly. For example, if you want an opportunity to reconnect with your spouse over a meal and you know they’re not a morning person, you propose a dinner date as opposed to brunch. Expectation and adaptation.

 

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The Bad

Of course, expectations have their downsides –

We Are Set Up for Disappointment

We recently received a widespread lesson in the danger of unchecked expectations. I don’t think any series finale has been so widely anticipated as that of Game of Thrones. After years of a wild – and emotional – ride, the expectations of fans were at an all-time high. And the disappointment after the ending was almost palpable.

No matter what happens in reality, it will never align perfectly with our expectations. So when we become too wedded to a particular outcome, we are guaranteeing our own disappointment.

Related: Are Expectations Dooming Marriage?

 

Other’s Actions Are Outside Our Locus of Control

Sometimes we act as though our internal narrative is script and others should be reading the lines and following the stage directions we have prepared for them.

But of course that’s not true.

We can have expectations all day long, but unless it’s something within ourselves, we have little influence on what actually happens.

 

We Confuse Boundaries and Expectations

Expectations say, “I’m assuming that you’re going to…”

Boundaries say, “If you do …, then I will…” 

Note the difference. The first isn’t giving the person a choice. It’s guilty until proven innocent. Whereas the latter gives the other permission to act and then provides information about the consequences.

Letting go of expectations is not the same as permitting others to treat you poorly. If they act badly, let them face the consequences. But also give them the opportunity to make that choice before you enact the repercussions.

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The Ugly

And then there’s this. Expectations can cause worse effects than disappointment. They can set us up for catastrophe –

When Expectations Are Too High, We Are Always Chasing Contentment

I have been outspoken in my disdain for the concept of a single soulmate. I mean, talk about a high expectation! I have to somehow manage to find the one, single person that is perfect for me. And then once I have them, everything will be easy because we are meant to be together. So then what happens when you first face discord in your relationship? Does that mean that they were the wrong person and you need to resume the search?

We are constantly bombarded with images of perfection. And so we can easily find ourselves lacking. When expectations are unrealistic, we will never be happy because the bar is set at infinity and we’re mere mortals.

 

Expectations Can Influence Reality For the Worse

I love the studies that have been done in schools where the teachers of two comparable classes were given different – and false – information about their students. One teacher was told that their students were exceptionally bright and they could expect great things from them. The other educator was informed that their students were slow learners and have never really shown much promise.

Same types of students. Different expectations. And VERY different results.

I bet you can guess which class did better.

People have a way of acting as we expect them to act. After all, even if we say nothing, our unconscious interactions will reveal some of our internal beliefs. This chicken-and-egg dance often happens with infidelity. We often assume that the cheating happens first, followed by the suspicions. Yet it is not rare for the distrust to enter first with the infidelity following behind.

When expectations are too rigid, we fail to give others the space to change. And if we’ve inadvertently set the bar too low, we may just find that it’s met.

When we lead with expectations, we are not truly seeing or hearing the other person. Instead, we’re interacting with the mental construct we have of them. We’re in an echo chamber, seeing and hearing only what we expect. Confirmation bias is a powerful force.

 

Toxic People Can Hide Behind Our Expectations

Sometimes our expectations of people are too high. We start from a belief that they are kind and operate with integrity and then we assume that their actions will be in accordance with those characteristics.

And if they’re not honest and kind? They very well may take advantage of those expectations, manipulating things behind the scenes like a magician’s assistant behind a screen.

Expectations can blind us to truth as we confuse desire with belief. And that’s a dangerous road to travel.

 

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Learn to Work With Your Expectations Instead of Fighting Against Them

 

First, let me state that I am by no means an expert when it comes to managing expectations. I struggle with it on a frequent basis. But I HAVE gotten better at keeping them in check. Here’s what has worked for me:

 

Awareness of Expectations

Expectations can become so ingrained, so knee-jerk, that we often take them for granted and hardly even notice them. In order to become more aware of my own expectations, I’ve committed to paying attention to my disappointments and where they are coming from.

It’s been an interesting and eye-opening exercise. I’ve learned that my expectations anchored in trauma have all-but-disappeared, yet I still struggle with plenty of other maladaptive expectations. And as I become aware of them, I’m better able to adjust them to the actual circumstances.

 

Shift Your Expectations Within Your Locus of Control

When I first started dating post-divorce, I did one smart thing in a great big tangle of not-so-smart things.

I decided that my expectation for every date was that I would learn something. Here’s the beauty of that expectation – it had a 100% chance of being met every single time because I was the one in control of it. I was even able to learn something on the times I was stood up:)

In contrast, if I had expected for every date to go well or every man to be attracted to me (or me to him), I was guaranteed to fall short.

 

Practice Being Flexible

Sometimes when my expectations aren’t met, I don’t become disappointed.

I become irritable.

This happens when I’m knee-deep in my planned tasks (thanks, anxiety!) and I’m having trouble shifting gears when my predictions go awry.

As with everything, practice makes better. So the more I practice being flexible and trusting that it will be okay even if it doesn’t go to plan, the easier it becomes.

 

Keep Your Expectations Realistic

I love to travel and I love to travel with my husband. However, he is not as enamored of trips as I am. So whenever he mentions a possible trip, I get excited.

I used to get too excited.

I would research, plan and dream. Then, I would present him with the information and he would be all, “Eh.” I took his rejection hard, feeling like my hopes had been machete-cut like a coconut on some tropical beach.

But here’s the bigger picture. My husband is an extrovert with ADD. That combination means that many of his thoughts are shared aloud, even the impulsive, not fully-matured ones. So he may want to go on a trip, but the casual mention doesn’t mean that he has fully thought through all of the time and financial repercussions. And that’s who he is, not something I can ask him to change.

As an analytical introvert, I fully think (okay, overthink) anything through before I speak it. And I was listening to him as though he was me. Which of course, he’s not.

So I’ve learned. Now, when he mentions a trip, before I do anything else I ask a few questions – What sort of timeline are you thinking of? Where are you with commitment to this on a scale of 1 to 10? And with just those questions and any needed follow-ups, I know where my expectations should be.

Result? I don’t get disappointed and I thoroughly enjoy the trips I do take – with or without – him.

The best bet is to keep your expectations high, but also realistic.

 

Communicate Your Expectations

If birthdays are important to you, you might get your hopes up as the first birthday approaches in a new relationship. After all, it’s easy to assume that what is important to you is also important to someone else. And then when the day comes, if their excitement isn’t on par with yours and they either fail to appreciate the celebration you created for them or didn’t meet your expectations for the recognition of your birthday, you feel dismissed and unimportant.

Yet it’s also not fair to expect others to meet our expectations if we don’t communicate them. Until Elon Musk develops some sort of implantable mind-reading device, we have to express both our expectations and the importance of them to others.

If we don’t say anything about the expectation, the resulting disappointment is on us.

 

Try to Replace Expectations With Curiosity

Some of my favorite yoga teachers are consistently good, yet I never know what to expect from them since every class is good in its own way. They have helped me shift my thinking before class from, “I hope we do some hip-opening today” to “I wonder what goodness we are going to do in class today.”

When we’re curious, we are not wed to any certain outcome. Instead of closing our minds and sealing the cracks with conclusions, we are throwing the doors wide open to see what might show up.

 

Give to Give, Not to Receive

It feels good to have your efforts recognized and affirmed. But if that’s the only (or at least, a major) reason you’re giving, you will be disappointed. Whether from a lack of awareness or a lack of caring, you will not always be validated for your efforts. Give because you want to give, not because you expect something in return.

 

Distinguish Between Needs and Expectations

Needs are requirements. Expectations are hopes.

Sometimes I confuse those, feeling as though not having my expectations met is a personal attack that causes great damage.

Yet I’ve survived every disappointment that has ever come my way.

We don’t always get what we want.

Yet sometimes as a result, we end up with exactly what we need.

Good Ol’ Gratitude to the Rescue Again

When I do feel disappointed because my expectations have not materialized, I like to pause for a moment to think about the good that has come from the situation. And usually, it’s surprisingly easy to find once I let go of the image of how things are supposed to be.

 

Ultimately, it comes down to this –

You have a right to your expectations. You have a right to feel disappointed. You have a right to not accept behaviors. But you don’t have a right to expect others to act the way that you want them to act. And the sooner you accept that, the more at peace you’ll be.

 

 

 

The (Unspoken) Truth About Marriage

Posted on by stilllearning2b

When asked about the state of their union, people often feel like they have to defer to one of two responses:

“It’s all good,” or, “It’s over.”

Yet the reality is that most marriages spend much of their time between these two extremes. Where some things are good, some areas are taut with tension and loving thoughts are interspersed with feelings of frustration or even disengagement. And by neglecting to talk about the reality of marriage, we leave those in completely-normal-and-not-always-ideal marriages feeling unsure and isolated.

 

Even the best marriages have bad days.

Or weeks. Even months. Whether from external pressures or changes prompted by internal struggles, there will be times when things are not good. There may be spans of silence, a lingering sense of tension in the air after a difficult conversation or nights spent lonely in separate beds.

When these bad days occur, it can be easy to catastrophize. To assume that a bad day indicates a bad marriage and that this is a sign that the end is near. One partner may be more prone towards panicking, attempting to grasp on in a desperate attempt to stop the imagined slide downhill. This often has the opposite effect, as the one who is latched upon feels increasingly trapped and becomes desperate for escape.

Some bad days pass on their own, especially if their cause is largely centered outside the marriage. Others are a cry for help, a sign that the marriage needs some attention and perhaps modification. And others are just part of the natural ebb and flow of life, expansion followed by contraction. This is one of the reasons that the first year of marriage is often deemed to be one of the most challenging – it follows after the excitement of wedding planning and establishing the relationship. The day-to-day of normal marriage simply can’t live up to that level of expectation.

 

Even the closest couples need time apart.

In the beginning of a relationship, the excitement and novelty leave you counting the minutes until you can be with your newfound love again. It seems impossible that there will ever be a day where you look forward to a trip that takes them out of the home for a few days. But it will happen.

I hear whispered confessions from friends, deeming me a safe receptacle for their secrets, admit to feeling guilty when they let out a little cheer when their spouse pulls out the driveway for a few days of absence. “That’s totally normal,” I reassure them and the relief is palpable.

Too much of anything – or anyone – can easily become too much. With overexposure, appreciation is easily replaced by irritation and small problems begin to accumulate. I like to relate it to ice cream. The stuff is amazing. You maybe even want some every day. But if you have a gallon of it in one sitting, your body is going to rebel. That doesn’t mean that there is anything wrong with you or the refreshing treat; it simply means that you need a break before you can enjoy it again.

 

Even the most compatible couples can struggle to find connection.

When my now-husband and I were first dating, we lived across town from each other. And in the Atlanta metro area, that’s quite the commute. Since we couldn’t see each other more than once or twice a week, we would spend evenings on the phone, chattering on about anything and everything.

It was easy to find things to talk about – not only did we live our days in largely separate worlds, we were still in the process of learning about the other person. Now, eight years later and sharing the same bedroom on most nights, we can go days without a meaningful conversation. The reasons are multifold. Our lives are more overlapping so there is less to share about the day-to-day. At this point, we’ve divulged and discussed our pasts, our passions and our perspectives and since we’re not yet old enough to be forgetful, there simply isn’t a need to cover the same material again. And we’re busy. The activities that were pushed to the side in those early months of the relationship have again found their place, leaving us with little time to connect during an average week.

As a result, there are times when we can feel disconnected. Like we’re crawling in bed with a virtual stranger, who both knows everything about us and yet we have nothing to talk about. And then, we carve out some time to do something new together, even if it’s as simple as dinner at an untried restaurant. The new environment inevitably sends a current through the relationship, reigniting the spark of connection.

 

Even the most agreeable people will have differences of opinion. 

I love my husband, but there are times I think he must be a visitor from another planet. After all, surely no reasonable adult human could actually think that??? In my first marriage, I let those differences of opinion bother me. I would either take it personally (seeing an attack on my viewpoint as an attack on me), allow my mind to be changed or feel threatened by the disparate stances.

It no longer bothers me so much (Unless it’s about school; I get pretty sensitive when people who are not in the academic sphere try to tell me about modern-day school issues.) when we have opposing viewpoints. In fact, I’m more likely to find it interesting (Why do you think that way?) or humorous than threatening. I have learned that it is possible to both love and support someone even while disagreeing with them.

There are some things that are so important that dissent is a sign of trouble, but for most everything else, a difference of opinion is simply a sign that you are two different people. And that’s a good thing.

 

Even the strongest marriages have periods of renegotiation and transition.

There is an immense about of negotiation and compromise that occurs when a relationship first becomes serious. The amount of togetherness is determined, acceptable interactions with the opposite sex are established and relationship patterns are initiated. That period is widely accepted as a precarious one. Some relationships emerge on the other side, stronger and established, while others fail to effectively negotiate a path.

What is less discussed are the inevitable transitions that occur throughout a marriage. As children come and go, job responsibilities shift and health crises seemingly come out of nowhere, the established roles and routines may longer be appropriate. And because we’re creatures of habit and we universally fear loss, these renegotiations are often even more difficult than the initial shift into commitment.

These times of transition are stressful and we often struggle to find the words to describe them adequately. We are uncomfortable with change and with making space for the unknown, especially when our most intimate relationship is threatened. Yet those same uncertain times that scare us also provide us with the most opportunity for growth.

 

Even the most reasonable parters will sometime respond irrationally. 

I am normally a very rational, even analytical, woman. Unless I’m poised at the top of a hill. At which point, I turn into a blubbering child. My husband knows this about me, and so he lovingly becomes extra-patient with me in those moments. My thoughts on a hilltop are not rational, but they are real. At least to me and in that moment.

Most people aren’t as afraid of downhills as I am (thank goodness, or whole industries would be wiped out), but we all have our particular triggers that cause us to behave irrationally and emotionally. And when you’re married to that overreacting person, it’s hard to suppress the urge to declare, “Just what in the hell is wrong with you?” and to respond instead with a combination of compassion and encouragement.

And here’s the hard part – unless we share the same emotional triggers as someone else, it is difficult (if not impossible) to understand where that person is coming from. And when that person is your spouse, that is a frustrating pill to swallow.

 

Even the most loving unions will have times where love is dormant. 

Love is more about action than feeling. There will be times when you don’t feel an overwhelming sense of love or affection for your partner. Some days, irritation and annoyance speak so loudly that they drown out the soft utterances of fondness. The love isn’t gone, but it’s quiet.

It’s important how couples respond to each other in these difficult times. There can be respect even without understanding. Kindness even in the absence of fondness. Tolerance when cooperation is lacking. And above all, a willingness to listen for the sleeping love and the patience to wait for it to stir once again.

 

Related:

Why I Don’t Want a Perfect Marriage

A Growth Mindset in Marriage

A Facebook Marriage: Keep the Smile On Or Else

 

 

 

10 Ways Dating is Like Shopping For a New Wardrobe

Posted on by stilllearning2b

 

1 – You know those items you bought because they represented who you want to be seen as or because they were marked on sale only to languish in the back of the closet because they never were really quite right? It’s easy to do with people too – to drift into a relationship because the person looks good on paper or because we’re afraid to pass up what seems like a good deal. But it doesn’t matter how many boxes they tick if you’re only going to take them out due to a sense of obligation.

2 – Do you have that special go-to outfit that you pull out whenever you need a jolt of confidence? Clothes have power – when it’s right it not only makes you look good, it makes you feel good too. Likewise, that’s a sign that you’ve landed on a compatible partner. The right person highlights your best attributes and minimizes your flaws.

3 – I used to have a pair of jeans that I absolutely loved. They hugged the curves in all the right places and yet still managed to be flexible enough to let me move. Those jeans are now rarely worn since my body had changed in the intervening years and the denim has not. Sometimes the fit can be altered, and sometimes it’s fixed. People are the same. You may find someone who is great fit for you now but may not be suitable down the road.

4 – The stores are always pushing the latest trends. Overwhelming the senses with eye-catching displays enticing you to buy something that will become irrelevant (and thus unwearable) within the year, encouraging you to open your wallet yet again. The wiser buyers resist this pull and instead head to the more sedate racks in the back where the timeless pieces can be found. All of that peacocking is also evident on the dating scene – the bright baubles and carefully arranged coiffing vying for our attention. When often we’re better off investing in the more boring and yet enduring ones.

5 – It can be a little unsettling to learn that the sweater you just purchased had been taken home by someone else. At first, you can’t help but think their presence, their flesh on the inside of your garment. But soon enough, it simply becomes your sweater with your scent and the imprint of your form starting to customize its shape. Similarly, it can be strange heading into dating when most of the people have been divorced – bought and returned, if you will. It’s easy to focus on where they’ve been. But as long as they’re still in good condition, their prior journeys will soon fade away.

6 – There’s a reason that the most exclusive stores are often the smallest – we become overwhelmed when presented with too many choices. Those enormous warehouse-styled stores with their endless racks provide endless opportunity and also endless discontentment. What if there’s a better choice in the next aisle? Dating has suffered the same fate. The friend of a friend has been replaced with technology-supported warehouses of endless options, the result of which can leave of paralyzed and unable to choose.

7 – Even though I know better, I still make the mistake sometimes. I commit to piece of clothing without taking the time to try it on. Only to discover that it doesn’t really fit right. And then I usually suck it up and keep it because, let’s face it, returning something is a hassle and can even be uncomfortable. It’s easy to make the same error in dating, to pledge loyalty to someone before really trying them on and then to hold on to them too long once the mismatch is discovered.

8 – I’m convinced that the people who design fitting room mirrors and lighting are sadists. I mean, I don’t really look like that, do I??? There is nothing like trying on clothing to make you feel insecure about yourself. Well, except dating, that is. Trying on anything brings out our inner doubt and feeds our self-judgement.

9 – Speaking of fitting rooms, they can begin to feel like jail cells built atop a treadmill, as you endless try on and discard items looking for the best fit. Fitting room fatigue is real. There’s a reason they always offer benches so that you can rest and find your second wind. Dating can be equally as tiring. Luckily, you can always find a place to rest for a bit.

10 – I loved that shirt. I mean, really loved it. I gave it a place of honor in my closet and washed it with such care for the first few months. It was special and I made sure to treat it that way. Yet in time, life seemed to speed up and one weekend, I carelessly tossed that once-precious shirt into the dryer, ruining it forever. Finding the right piece is only the beginning. You have to take care of it. When we stumble upon a new partner, the novelty and excitement of it all ensure attention. It’s on us to make sure that attention and care doesn’t fade.