What We Gain From Reading Fiction

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Its a “snow day” in the ATL today. That means that the temperatures may dip below freezing and the cold rain may solidify into ice or snow. In an an abundance of caution (and probably a fear of a cluster this close to the Super Bowl), the local schools have all decided to implement Online Learning Days.

Since my internal alarm clock still woke me up at 4:00 am and my students will likely not begin their online assignments until later this evening, I’ve been granted the much-needed gift of some unexpected time this morning.

I walked the dogs, wrote some quizzes, did my taxes and went to the gym. But my inbox for work was still silent. So I picked up my Kindle, took a trip to the virtual library and spent the last few hours reading a fictional narrative.

The writing was unremarkable. The characters somewhat unlikable. And the story was somehow confusing and tedious at the same time. (I guess that the library gets runs on ebooks just like the grocery store runs out of milk and eggs during a storm).

But even though the book wasn’t great, the experience was. Because reading fiction has benefits that we often fail to recognize.

Fiction Allows for Distance and Distraction

When we’re sad or anxious or just generally unhappy with our current circumstances, it’s natural to seek escape. Some escapes are certainly healthier and more effective than others.

Surrendering your mind to a story is a wonderful way to give it some rest from whatever is troubling it. Because books demand our attention, they are often more immersive than video or other more passive means of mental escape.

Books allow a free (or cheap) vacation with no packing, no preparation and no TSA lines. The trip away can occupy you for a few minutes or several hours. And as with any holiday, you often find yourself restored upon your return to normal life.

Fiction Provides a New Perspective

Most of us live a relatively homogenous life. We live near people that are like us. Then, we go to work alongside those with similar values and goals. On the weekends, we watch the same shows and visit the same shops. So even when we talk to others, it can sometimes feel as though we’re conversing with a reflection.

Fiction provides a break from the monotony and offers the gift of novelty and a fresh set of eyes. You get to experience what Earth is like from Mars or what it’s like to be a strapping man if you’re a diminutive woman. You’re able to experience new worlds, myriad narrators and countless motivations and backstories.

Once the book is set down, the experience of a different perspective often stays with you, allowing you to be more flexible and open in how you perceive things.

Fiction Encourages Empathy

At the start of this school year, we used a study of the book, Wonder, to anchor our social and emotional wellness lessons. My 6th graders still struggle to identify and analyze their own responses to situations, but they could easily put themselves in Auggie’s shoes and discuss how he might be feeling.

Because so much fiction is written from a first-person perspective, it truly gives us the opportunity to occupy the shoes – and thoughts – of somebody else. It’s much harder to judge somebody’s actions when you’re also privy to their internal world.

When you read a lot of fiction, it primes your brain to ask questions about people you encounter in the world before you jump to conclusions about what is behind their actions.

Fiction Subtly Inspires

So many “self-help” style books can come across as critical and preachy. They have a way of declaring that you’re doing it all wrong while the one doling out advice has advantages that the rest of us mere mortals can only dream of. That tone can be a turn-off as the advice falls on deaf ears and the inspiration rings flat.

Fiction is different. Instead of whopping you upside the head with some positive and trite message, it slowly and surreptitiously makes it way into your consciousness. As a result, you don’t rally your defenses. And you just might close the book feeling inspired by the messages woven explicitly throughout the text or the whispered encouragement from the character’s actions.

Fiction Ignites Curiosity

I’ve long held the belief that we should all strive to respond to the world with more curiosity and kindness. Narratives are crafted to make us ask questions. We are driven to turn the page by a desire to know what will happen next. Perhaps we form a conclusion before it’s revealed, but we always hold the door open to possibly being wrong.

Fiction creates wonder. It prompts us to ask, “What if?” Books may take the form of boxes, but they are limitless in their reach once they’re opened.


Fiction Speaks of Broad Stroke Truths

When I was going through my divorce, I read lots of fiction. Lots of dumb fiction since my brain was still sputtering. Yet even though the selections were far from literary masterpieces, the basic storylines all spoke of life truths for all – love, loss, transformation, redemption and overcoming obstacles.

It doesn’t matter if the story is about werewolves or Civil War soldiers, these broad stroke truths are the heart of every tale because they’re the heart of every life. And sometimes it’s good to reminded of that. That no matter the setting, we’re not alone in our experiences.

Are you aware of the power in YOUR story?

Changing the Reflection in the Mirror

Posted on by stilllearning2b

On the day after I was left, I looked in the mirror. I saw a woman who had been discarded. Thoughtlessly thrown away like some worn-out or unfashionable sneakers. Good enough to be walked on, but no longer deemed worthy of the necessary closet space.

Some days when I looked in the mirror, I saw someone who wasn’t good enough. As though looking at a negative, I saw myself for what I was lacking rather than for what I possessed. “No wonder I’ve been abandoned,” I thought, “I’m obviously lacking.”

Other days, the reflection in the mirror seemed too loud, garish even. Fearing that my riotous reflection would clash with others, I pulled back, pulled in. I turned down my volume in an attempt to evade rejection.

We all have a particular reflection that we’re prone to glimpsing when we look in the mirror –

“I’m stupid.”

“I’m lazy.”

“I’m a piece of shit.”

“I’m weak.”

“I’m only valued for …”

“I’m too much.”

“I’m broken.”

“I’m a coward.”

Words that were spoken to us in childhood by trusted adults or inferred by internalizing and personalizing the actions of those around us.

And without our conscious awareness, that reflection becomes the lens through which everything else is filtered.

I first became aware of my self-reflection in the early days of my relationship with my now-husband. He would get angry about something (which was a new experience for me to navigate since my ex carefully tucked away any ire) and I would begin to panic.

Not because of the words that were said.

But because of the words that I heard.

It’s not what the words say. It’s what the words say to you.

If you believe that you’re worthless, a slight criticism becomes confirmation of your inferiority.

When you see yourself as a piece of shit, the slightest mistake that hurts another becomes evidence that you’re a jerk.

If you’re convinced that you’re only valued for your looks, a passing comment on your appearance supports the belief that people only care about your physical presentation.

Each remark – whether it be positive, negative or neutral – is heard within the context of our beliefs about ourselves.

We assume that others are seeing the same version of us that we see in our own reflection.

Have you ever had someone compliment you on your courage or strength in a moment where inside you were feeling scared and weak? It can be challenging for us to comprehend that how we feel inside is often not how we present ourselves to the world and that others may have a very different view of us than we do.

When it comes to ourselves, we hear what we believe.

In my case, if somebody insults my responsibility or work ethic, I can easily shrug it off. Those are character faults that are in no way present in my own self-image, so it is simple to see those barbs as poorly aimed and meaningless barbs. But if someone says something that matches the reflection of the worthless woman in the mirror? That hits close to home and can even become part of the portrait reflected back at me.

No matter how much the people around you change, what you hear won’t change until your own self-reflection does.

Here’s the hard part – you can change the people you surround yourself with. You can set and uphold boundaries about what sort of commentary about yourself you will permit. But as long as you still identify with that negative reflection, who will continue to hear the words that confirm your self-belief.

If you want to change how others treat you, it starts with changing how you see yourself.

Taking Responsibility: How to Tell When It’s Your Stuff to Own

Posted on by stilllearning2b

It can be challenging to determine when something falls on somebody else’s shoulders and when it it is ultimately your responsibility to bear. Here are four ways to tell if it’s your stuff to own –

 

1 – A pattern keeps repeating.

When I first started casually dating post-divorce, I had guys start to pull back after a few days. At first, I brushed it off, lamenting the poor manners and hook-up culture in today’s world. But it kept happening and I eventually admitted that I was the common denominator. With just a brief amount of reflection, I soon embarrassingly realized that they withdrew because I was acting like their wife. Oops. It wasn’t intentional on my part, but since I had been married so long and dated so little, I was an expert in the first arena and a novice in the second. Once I identified the issue, I quickly corrected it and the pattern came to an abrupt halt.

When we repeatedly find ourselves in the same situations or with the same sort of subpar relationships, we often point the finger, blaming anything and everything we can. Yet when the same pattern keeps happening to you, I’m afraid there is a reason and you’re likely the source of it.

 

Here’s your stuff –

Identify any patterns that have a tendency to occur in your life.

Look for the commonalities between the situations and identify how you contribute to the pattern.

Consider how you can alter the pattern. Can you change the antecedent, your behavior or your response?

Enlist the help of a professional, if needed.

 

 

2 – It’s an issue you have now because of something that somebody else did to you.

My ex-husband certainly did not set me up for success with future relationships. By leaving with a text message, he primed me for fearing abandonment going forward and by committing bigamy, he set me up for worrying about future betrayals. Blaming him is futile, as he didn’t seem fazed about the repercussions of his decisions and besides, he couldn’t alter the impact that it had on me. I could also try to shuttle this to my now-husband’s shoulders, dictating his actions because of my past experiences. But not only is that not fair to him, it also won’t undo the damage from my ex.

It’s tempting to state that we need people to treat us a certain way or to do (or not do) certain things because it easily triggers us. And yes, we can (and should) communicate these preferences to others. But ultimately, our responses (or overreactions) are our responsibility because we are the only people that we can control.

 

Here’s your stuff –

Know yourself and your triggers.

Set yourself up for success by avoiding or limiting certain situations until you are able to handle them.

Communicate your preferences clearly yet without expectations.

Actively work to discharge the energy around your triggers.

Refrain from blaming people that come into your life after the event for what happened.

 

3 – It is not something that another person can fix for you.

I stress. Big time. My ex-husband learned how to soothe me when I got worked up when we were teenagers. I grew to depend upon his help to calm down when I would become overwhelmed. And then he left, and I was left stressing even more. When my now-husband came into the picture, I assumed that he would also take on the role of professional stress tamer. He refused, rightly pointing out that managing my stress was ultimately my job. I pouted, but I learned. And the techniques that I have in place now are far more effective than anything that my ex could do for me.

We often try to pass off our unwanted struggles on others. After all, it’s easier if we can outsource the things that we don’t want to get our hands dirty with. Life rarely works that way, however. We can – and should –  ask for help. But all others (including therapists) can do for us is offer guidance, support and encouragement. Ultimately, nothing changes until we do.

 

Here’s your stuff –

Know what you normally struggle with.

Ask for help when you can’t make progress or you are unsure where to begin.

Accept the limits of helping and be prepared to do the heavy lifting.

 

4 – You find yourself complaining about the issue repeatedly.

I used to have a really hard time going back to school at the end of the summer. I would feel the envy rise as I heard about the amazing vacations that other teachers took while I reflected on my time spent working or looking for somebody available to do something with. This happened more years in a row than I would like to admit. Finally, I realized that the other teacher’s trip weren’t likely to change and neither was my financial status. But I could still shift my summer focus from work to adventure-on-a-budget. And now, when I return, I hear others exclaim over my summer stories and pictures.

We all can fall into pattern of complaining. It’s easy and it can also feel productive since we are actually doing something (even if that something is only moving our mouths). There are two possibilities with the issue you’re complaining about. Either it’s out of your control and so you need to change your mindset or it’s something you can change and it’s time to get busy.

 

Here’s your stuff –

Be aware of the issues or situations that you frequently complain about.

Release any defensiveness around the issue; it’s only holding you back.

Identify if the issue is within your locus of control or not.

If you cannot change the situation, reframe how you view it.

If you do have some influence, come up with (and initiate) an action plan.

 

Related: What If it IS Your Circus and They ARE Your Monkeys?

The Single Best Thing I’ve Ever Done For My Mental Health

Posted on by stilllearning2b

 

And for my fellow introverts, here’s an open letter to share with the extroverts in your life.

Are You Harboring Any of These Toxic Thoughts?

Posted on by stilllearning2b
toxic thoughts

By now, I think we’re all pretty aware of toxic people. Those emotional vampires who use, abuse and bully their way through life. We’re better able to identify those one-sided relationships that leave us shattered and shelled, picking our splintered pieces off the floor. And we’re less tolerant of the mistreatment, less willing to provide sanctuary and more apt to excise toxic people from our lives.

It’s important that we tend to that external garden, pull those weeds from our lives and erect boundaries to contain those prone to overgrowth and encroachment. Yet it’s perhaps even more critical that we attend to our inner garden, nurturing those thoughts that beautify us and eradicating those that become noxious weeds.

Are you harboring any of these toxic thoughts?

If Only

The “what ifs” are the kudzu of the mental landscape, covering everything else with their tenacious tendrils until your normal thoughts are starved for both light and air. The thoughts of what might have been or what could potentially be are seductive, whispering possibilities of dreams unrealized, situations untenable and paths never taken. These thoughts of “If only things were different…” are toxic because they are rooted in fantasy and magical thinking, counting on only wishes to grow. Their winding ways make us feel as though we’re taking action, yet they really just keep us moving in circles.

Instead, use your desire for things to be different to identify areas of discontent. Then, clear away the winding wishes to see what truly lies beneath. You may likely find that the source of your dissatisfaction isn’t what you initially thought as you begin to see things differently. And then, once you know what you’re working working with, you can devise a plan. And some real action.

I Can’t

The toxic thoughts of “I can’t” cause us to see walls where they do not exist, holding us prisoner of our own minds. “I can’t” and its cousin, “it’s impossible” shut down any possible solutions before they’re even entertained. These toxic thoughts are fertilized by fear, the anxiety of attempting something and finding it difficult or even reaching failure stamping down the motivation to even try.

Before you allow yourself to reach the conclusion that something is impossible, allow your mind to explore the possibilities without censor. Play with the ideas. Don’t worry yet about the feasibility. Yes, part of this exercise is to help you discover a potential solution or option. But perhaps the most important part of this assignment is simply to help you realize that you are not trapped. Even though some ideas may be impossible, others will be within reach.

I’m Broken

The injurious thought of “I’m broken” has a permanence to it. It suggests that the breakage is absolute and endless, a shattered and worthless self scattered upon the floor.  It’s a natural thought to have when you’re experiencing the gut-ripping of piercing pain and facing a situation that has left you undeniably changed.

It makes sense to accept the alterations that have occurred in your life and, in response, to you. It’s healthy to begin where you are (as opposed to living with the “if onlys”). Yet it’s limiting (and not accurate) to think that the pain and the change mean that you can never be whole again. You’re different, yes. And you have everything you need to be okay again.

You may feel like you’re in pieces, but you don’t have pieces of you missing. Here’s one of the best allegories of that concept ever done.

It’s All or None

“I’m not ready to get married again, so I can’t date.”

“My ex was unfaithful, therefore all men will cheat eventually.”

“My attempt at online dating was unsuccessful, so I’m destined to be alone forever.”

All of these statements contain the poison of all or none thinking at their core. An inevitable line is drawn from a single date to a wedding. One person’s bad behavior is extended to an entire gender. And a failure in one venue for a period of time is assumed to continue in all arenas and for all time.

All or none thinking is a form of mountaining – looking at our obstacles in such a way as to make them appear much larger than they actually are. These can be difficult thoughts to dismiss because they do contain some truth and it’s often easier to write off an entire choice rather than explore the issue further.

Be conscious of the path your thoughts lead you down. You may be reaching conclusions that are more mirage than reality.

Outcome-Focused

This type of toxic thinking is related to, “I’ll be okay if…” It confuses our agency over our actions with control over the outcomes. And that’s a fruitless and frustrating place to occupy because your energy is being directed elsewhere while you begin to feel drained.

When our thoughts are focused on the external results, we risk missing opportunities for internal adjustments. Furthermore, we may attach false beliefs and labels to ourselves, believing we “failed,” when really we’re measuring the wrong thing. Be aware of your locus of control. If something exists outside of that, release any attachment to the outcome and instead pay attention to what you can alter.

Here’s a quick rundown of what is your stuff…and what is not.

I Give Up

Knowing when and being willing to let go is an excellent trait to have. And it is completely different than the toxic thought of giving up.

Giving up is born from fear or frustration. Sometimes this is wise. Your fear may be telling you that the path is too treacherous and it is safer to turn back. However, fear is a sly companion. It is the taxi driver capitalizing on your ignorance to lead you astray. Fear will lie to you and tell you that you are in mortal danger when, in fact, you are perfectly safe. When you quit, you are listening to that fear and believing its stories. You may feel embarrassed or ashamed that you chose to throw in the towel. You may get defensive, throwing up walls and justifying your decision. When we give up out of fear, we often feel unfinished. Unsatisfied. Unsettled. When you let fear be your chauffeur, your destination will not be the one you intended.

Letting go happens when you face your fear. It is that moment when your fear is telling you to grip tight and you choose to release. Letting go is born of acceptance, an understanding that you cannot control all of the outcomes. Letting go gives a sense of peace. Of weightlessness. Giving up is easy. Letting go is not. It is conscious, deliberate act that may take years or decades. It requires patience and compassion. Give yourself that gift and be the driver of your own life.