What I Like About Love

Love is one of the first concepts a child understands yet it also is an idea that takes us a lifetime to master. As we have more experiences with love in all forms, we expand our definition to encompass its many forms. We realize that it has no limits, no file storage maximum. We discover that there is no better feeling than new love and nothing as painful as love lost. We learn that gripping onto love with jealousy or fear only dampens it and that love grows in a medium of acceptance. We find that giving love is the same as receiving, just like you cannot give a hug without also getting one. Our definition of love changes and grows with each passing season. The word that prompts a concise definition from a child now takes pages of discourse and dissection.

Love refuses to be pinned down.

To be distilled into the least common denominator.

Love is messy and grand.

We seek it yet we also hide from it, fearing its loss.

We idealize it.

And yet we often fail to recognize it.

We want it.

And yet we act in opposition to it.

When it comes to love, we are still students.

Exploring. Wondering. Seeking. Learning.

And that’s what I like about love.

Elizabeth Gilbert, of Eat Pray Love fame, wrote about how love has changed for her since her divorce and second marriage. I related. You may too.

The Second Time Around

I am as familiar with the statistics as anyone – two thirds of second marriages are expected to end in divorce. There are many factors often cited for this depressing outcome. The family unit is more diverse and less cohesive. The children tend to be older and more independent, thus staying together for the sake of the kids is less of an issue. The ghosts of spouses past can continue to haunt the new marriage. Perhaps one or both partners moved too quickly into a new relationship rather than allowing sufficient time to heal from the divorce or to address underlying issues. Or, maybe they spent so much time single that partnered life with its compromises and complexities is no longer a fit. And, of course, there is the fact that once you have been divorced and survived, it may be easier to tread that path again.

Regardless of the reasons, the numbers are clear. Second marriages are more likely to fail than first unions. But, when it comes to relationships, I don’t care about statistics. I care about individual marriages, including my own. And, rather than focus on the added challenges that can impact subsequent marriages, I choose to acknowledge the ways that a marriage can be better the second time around.

Value

I took my first marriage and my first husband for granted. He was always there and I assumed he would always be there. It wasn’t that I treated him poorly or neglected the marriage, I just didn’t understand the fragility of it and that it could disappear so easily. Read the rest on The Huffington Post.

8 Lessons From the Campground

Our annual Thanksgiving camping trip is only days away. The long underwear has been unearthed and the tent located. My weekly shopping list makes it clear that I am preparing for cold weather and hearty appetites. I love our times at the campground – they have been a key part of our relationship from the beginning. Here is a repost of our first Thanksgiving camping trip. If you want the full effect, read in front of a campfire:)

 

Mere days before Thanksgiving, my partner and I found out we had to move within 30 days because his house had just sold.  We had been planning a camping trip over the break and our initial reaction was to cancel the trip, so that we could focus on the move.  I am so glad that we decided to continue with the trip.  Not only did we have a good time and enjoyed the time together, but it actually made the move less stressful because we had lessons that we took with us from the campground.

1) Teamwork Required

One of the best aspects about camping is that it requires teamwork.  Assembling a large tent is a,most an impossibility single-handedly, but becomes a fun challenge when tackled by two.  We quickly fell into a rhythm, working together, sharing some tasks and dividing others.  He would brave the early morning frost to get the fire started so that we could prepare breakfast.  I faced the frigid waters to clean the dishes of their breakfast remnants.  The dog, well, he just laid there shivering in a sleeping bag looking pitiful. We functioned as a team.

2) Take Pleasure in the Smallest Things

When camping, you certainly have to do without many of life’s modern conveniences.  However, because your expectations are in line with reality, it is not necessary a bad thing to leave that behind.  You learn to appreciate the smallest achievements, the tiniest bit of warmth, a few steps on level ground.  You don’t know when your next bit of pleasure will arrive, so you celebrate each moment of it that comes your way.  And, just so you know, Starbucks VIA works great at a campsite; that first sip of coffee each brisk morning was heaven.

3) Surroundings Don’t Impact You as Much as You Think

I have always been sensitive to my surroundings; I need things “just so” so that I can work or relax.  This can be a problem when moving, because some amount of chaos and disorder is inevitable.  The campground was organized for functionality.  We certainly had beautiful views, but they were not to be had in our immediate surroundings.  But it was okay.  Happiness is not found in a campground that looks beautiful, but is devoid of soul.  I learned to release some of my obsession with my surroundings; they don’t matter as much as I think.

4)Take Breaks

We spent each day on long hikes up nearby mountains.  We had our goal of reaching the tops, of course, but we planned each day with plenty of time to get there.  As a result, we were able to take breaks whenever and wherever we chose.  These are some of my favorite memories of the trip; the times sitting on the side of a mountain, looking out over the vistas, my boys by my side.  Immense pleasure can be found in those moments between activity.

5) Share Burdens

Long day hikes require a decent amount of supplies, especially when your partner insists on bringing survival gear:)  We shared the load, distributing the weight so that no one person had too much to bear.  Even the dog has to carry his part.  There is no reason that any burden has to be carried alone; you can even share the load with your dog if need to.

6)  Uphills are Balanced by Downs

Some of those hikes felt like they were uphill both ways, but any loop or out-and-back will have a net elevation change of zero.  Just like on the trails, we are often more aware of the uphills in life, but remember that they are balanced by the downhills.  Make an effort to notice the times the path is easy.

7) Use Your Resources

This is where my partner really shines.  When we realized that one of the tent stakes had broken when we were assembling the nylon beast, he grabbed some supplies from his pack and some sticks from the woods and quickly fashioned a replacement within minutes.  Before declaring a situation beyond hope, look around you and see what you can utilize to help.

8)  It Takes Effort to Gain Perspective

Our campsite was located at the base of Table Rock Mountain, its visage towering over us in all its granite splendor.  Our first day was spent preparing the campground, we were in our little insular world.  The next afternoon after a long, uphill climb, we reached elevation where we could see our campsite and how it related to the larger landscape.  We tend to live life in its details and forget to look at the big picture.  It takes effort to gain perspective, but a climb to the top gives valuable information.  It’s worth checking out now and then.

We took those lessons with us into the move and we try to carry them with us all of the time.

Sides Effects of Betrayal

When you have been betrayed, your world view forever shifts. Motives are questions. Secrets are assumed. Nothing is as it seems.

You want to trust but you don’t know how. You feel victimized and either accept that role in defeat or desperately search for control and assurance that you will never be a victim again.

It’s oh-so-easy to keep moving beyond the betrayal without fully addressing its impact. To attribute future struggles to something (or someone) else when it is really your soul still keening from the lies and the loss.

When I first saw this article on Psychology Today, When Disappointment Feels Like Betrayal, I was skeptical.

And then I read it.

And I related.

When you have been betrayed, the pump has been primed to assume betrayal.

Even when it is just life with its usual ups and downs.

Be on alert for the monster but don’t go stabbing at every creak on the stairs.

 

Don’t Believe In Divorce? It Doesn’t Matter.

Search for “divorce” on Twitter, and you find countless posts like the following:

I don’t believe in divorce….when me and my partner have problems we will sit down, talk and work it out! Commitment for life

As though one can make divorce not real simply by pretending it doesn’t exist. I hate to break it to them, but divorce is kinda like gravity’s impact on an aging body; it exists whether you want to admit it or not.

I didn’t believe in divorce either. I believed in commitment. In working things out. In staying together. However, my husband did not feel the same way.

The problem with the Twitter quote above is that it completely neglects to acknowledge your partner’s view and actions, neither of which are under your jurisdiction. You may not believe in divorce but if your partner stops believing in the marriage, you’ll be forced to change your mind real fast.

Read the rest on The Huffington Post.