The Waiting Room

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Yesterday morning, I helped my husband slide his wedding band off his finger and I slipped it onto my left thumb for safekeeping. I gave him one last kiss before he was wheeled down the hall and out my reach. It was a simple surgery. Brief. Yet my hand trembled as it placed his belongings in a locker and secured them with the twist of a key. A tear made its way down my cheek when I slapped my fist against the plate to open the door to the waiting room.

The waiting room.

The stone-trimmed walls and bistro complete with a Starbucks put a cheery spin on what it really was – a powerless limbo. A place where the minutes ticking by water the fears. The uncertainties growing taller while the rational mind hold hands with the worries and mutters platitudes interspersed with statistics and chances.

I kept glancing at his ring on my thumb, the sight both comforting and alarming. For some reason, it felt wrong to send him off without it, as though it was some talisman against trouble. I hoped it proved effective when worn on my hand as well.

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I tried to occupy myself with people watching, filling in the stories of their lives. I listened to a college age girl talking to her grandmother. The younger one had faced years of surgeries and was losing her sight. Her words spoke of wisdom and acceptance beyond her years. I saw another woman sign in for surgery, unsure who was going to pick her up or who to call with reports on her progress. I felt sad for her and wished I could provide comfort. I saw two women in their 60s who take turns nursing each other through the ailments of advancing age. The one facing surgery that day seemed matter of fact about the ordeal.

But mostly, I saw people like me. People who were waiting for the call that their loved one fell on the right side of the statistics and awoke from anesthesia without complications. People who felt powerless and impotent while their loved one was kept away. People who tried to hide their unease with small talk and pinched smiles, while distracting themselves from the wait.

It took me a moment to realize that the receptionist was talking to me. She had called out my husband’s last name. The name I never assumed.

She ushered me into a private room, “The doctor would like to come speak with you.”

I fervently swatted away the fear that swarmed my brain at being taken into a private room. I assured myself that the timing was perfect for the surgery to have concluded without error. And the news was good. I even laughed with the doctor as we talked about martial arts and the traits of those who practice.

And the wait continued as he was sewn up and prompted to breath again on his own. I had just settled into a book when my phone trilled an incoming call.

“Hello?”

“Is this Lisa? I’m the nurse who’s taking care of your husband. I just had to give you a call. Just as he was waking up, his first words were, ‘I love my wife so much. We’re two peas in a pod.'”

The smile that swept my face that time wasn’t pinched by fear. It was carried wide by relief.

It’s funny, those words, “I love you,” have meant less to me after my first husband could say them and yet not mean them. Those words yesterday, the first uttered after unconsciousness, meant something. No, not something. Everything.

Half an hour later, my alarm buzzed, messaging me that I could go back and see him.

I kissed his lips, stained with blood from the intubation, and slid his ring back where it belonged.

The wait was over.

Love Bites

Posted on by stilllearning2b

When we are in the heady, passion and potential-fueled early days of a relationship, contact is frequent. Almost constant. Your new partner is always on your mind, providing jolts of neurotransmitter bliss. That rush comes from the novelty of the experience; each encounter or imagined encounter is novel and exciting. That high of new passion has an expiration date; as the novelty fades and realism seeps in, the jolts are no longer as powerful or as frequent.

There’s a trade-off, of course. Lust may not be as powerful but trust is built. The excitement of the unknown is replaced with the security and comfort of connection. One of the balances acts in any long term relationship is how to maintain the passion within the context of commitment and stability.

The trick is that anything new or exciting injects the same into the relationship. Routine is critical for life yet deadly for relationships. So shake it up. Add some mystery or surprise. It doesn’t have to be grand. Or expensive. Or time consuming.

An adventure trip is awesome.

But so are love bites.

Love bites are simply little gestures that let your partner know that he or she is on your mind. It’s best if they’re random. The surprise is important. Serious is fine and silly is awesome. It can be a language understood by all or one only shared between the two of you. They can be notes, or texts or drawings.

Brock and I created a new one earlier this spring. I bought some silly gel clings for Valentine’s Day that spelled out, “I love you” and “U rock” on the fridge, along with an assortment of sticky hearts and even a gel electric guitar. That evening, Brock removed one of the hearts and hid it in my shower. I removed another and placed it on his mirror. This game has continued, with hearts appearing in strange locations around the house. I even lifted my toilet lid the other day to find one on the seat! Even though we somewhat expect them, the location and timing is always a surprise. It’s fun on both ends and a wonderful way to exchange love bites during a busy week.

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For the giver, a love bite is a momentary reminder of the gratitude for the partner and the relationship. For the recipient, a love bite is a rush. A smile. A wonderful feeling of being acknowledged and loved. It’s oxytocin on one end and dopamine on the other. And the brain doesn’t know that it’s coming from a little love bite. It just knows it feels good.

 

 

 

Digital Dumps

Posted on by stilllearning2b

So, I guess ending a relationship via text is now an acceptable thing. At least that’s what this article from Psychology Today seems to suggest. The piece calls ending it via text “tacky,” yet seems to feel that is a justifiable way for the man (is this always done by men?) to initiate a break-up.

I just can’t agree. Now, granted, I’m not an objective observer of this particular phenomenon. After all, my ex ended a 16 year relationship with a text without any follow-up at all. It left me angry. Helpless. Filled with questions and impotence. My innocuous phone dispensed with my marriage with nothing more than a chime sounded in warning.

And, from the recipient’s standpoint, I cannot endorse this approach. A text is for information. Flirting. Maybe a slight disagreement.

But to end a relationship of any significance?

No.

Would you quit a career via text? Propose via text? Announce a poor medical diagnosis unexpectedly via text?

Probably not.

So, ending a marriage or engagement?

A side note here. I was on the Frank Love radio show last year and he agreed with my ex’s approach. I could tell I was healed when I found it funny rather than offensive:)

There are some things, no matter how uncomfortable, that simply deserve actually confronting the truth and the person it may hurt, no matter how difficult.

I did like the part in the article about deception and the difficulty the deceiver has facing the collateral damage of his or her choices. It seems some people would rather run away than face the consequences.

Unfortunately, that always leaves someone else to clean up after his or her mess.

Sorry for the rant, this just fires me up. Maybe I should create a public service announcement:)

 

 

6 Reasons You’re Struggling to Move On After Divorce

Posted on by stilllearning2b

You say that you want to move on, putting the divorce behind you and getting on with your life. You claim that you want to feel better, to stop crying and start living. Perhaps you even pronounce that you’re over your ex and that you’re ready to start looking for someone new.

Yet that desired progress isn’t happening.

The life you envision isn’t unfolding and instead, you find yourself stuck. Anchored in the muck and mire of the divorce. Not a member of your old life, yet not yet fully living in your new one.

It’s easy to make excuses for why you can’t seem to move on. You’re angry, and rightfully so, that your life plan turned out to written in disappearing ink. Maybe your ex cheated, stealing your ability to trust along with your imagined future. Perhaps your bank account is anemic and all of your energy has to go to replenishing its stores. You might have endured horrible court battles that wounded you and your children. You may be adjusting to life as a single parent or a sole breadwinner.

But those are all excuses, bindings that keep you lashed to the past. After all, it’s easier to say, “I can’t move on because of (insert favorite excuse here)” rather than shouldering the responsibility of moving on by yourself.

So, here is your metaphorical slap across the face. This is the advice you’ve needed to hear, but your friends and family are too nice to say it. But I’m not your friend. I’m someone who has been there, done that and now makes the T-shirts. I am okay with making you a little angry if it helps to make you better.

I’m also not going to tell you to “get over it.” I find that phrase insulting and shortsighted, only uttered by people who have never felt a certain depth of pain or who prefer to bury it rather than address it. But even though there are some things you don’t just “get over,” you don’t have to let them hold you back.

If you’re having trouble moving on, you’re probably doing at least one of these things wrong.

Forgiveness

My response to people encouraging me to forgive was one of indignation. How could I be expected to forgive? He deserved all of the wrath I could send his way and then some. How dare someone tell me I should let that go?

But they were right. By refusing to forgive, I wasn’t hurting him. I was hurting me. I was allowing myself to be a prisoner to his actions and allowing them to dictate my feelings. Forgiving him was a gift of peace to myself.

Forgiveness isn’t a pardon. It acknowledges the wrongs and then wraps them in compassion and acceptance. Forgiveness is an inside job, quietly accepting the apology you never received.

Forgiveness is a difficult road. But you’re worth it.

Grasping

When we lose everything, it is human nature to grasp onto whatever remains. And, often in the case of divorce, what is left is the pain. And so we hold onto that pain, claim it. Own it. Defend it. Even feed it.

That pain can become our identity. I remember how I would receive care and kindness when I was hurting, yet would be comparatively ignored when I was not. It’s tempting to stay in pain, to allow others to continuously nurture our wounded hearts.

But is that really what you want? To be the hurt one? The weak one? To be so determined to lay claim to your pain that you do allow anything or anyone else in? Releasing that pain is strangely scary. It’s willingly loosening your grip on your past and trusting that you’ll land safely.

Let go. It’s worth it.

Associations

Do you have triggers that are like a time warp to the past, pulling you back to moments of agony and anxiety? I do. In fact, I would say this has been my greatest challenge — learning to respond from the present and not from the past.

Even though some healing is passive, slowly softening with the passage of time, triggers are often more resistant. They take repeated attention and deliberate action to remediate. Triggers and associations are not inevitable; you can retrain your brain.

It takes work. But you’re worth it.

Continue to read the rest.

 

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Why People Cheat

Posted on by stilllearning2b

I never thought I’d tackle this post. First of all, if I could answer this question with certainty, I certainly would not be teaching middle school math; I’d be taking over Oprah’s spot. The reasons people stray in their marriages are as varied and complex as marriage itself. Past, present and personality weaving together to create a perfect storm. To add to the complexity, the reasons people cheat are rarely the reasons they say they cheat. You are much more likely to hear excuses or blame because the truth takes bravery and insight along with a willingness to then divulge the understanding that was reached.

 

So, without further ado, here are the patterns I have seen emerge. We’ll start with the simplest.

The Bad Decision

This is the “it just happened” infidelity, although that excuse makes my skin crawl. This is the affair born of bad decisions that may or may not have other co-existing causes. There is no magic in a wedding band that suddenly causes all others of the opposite sex to be invisible. We all meet people that we find attractive and that awaken that little spark. But you always have a choice. Long before anything happens, you can make the decision to walk away. The earlier the better. The closer you get to flame, the more  difficult it becomes to leave. You may get to a point where your body has the best of you, but you can choose to use your brain before then.

The Need for Physical Connection

A marriage where the partners have different sexual needs is certainly a struggle. In this type of affair, one (or both) of the partners are craving more physical intimacy and they look outside the marriage to sate their appetites. My frustration with this type (and the affair described below), is that so often the straying partner is helping to create the desert at home by turning his or attentions away. This reason is also used as an excuse for infidelity and can even be created by the straying partner as a way for them to reconcile their decisions within their own mind. After all, it’s easy to claim a sexless marriage and difficult to refute unless you never close your blinds.

The Need for Emotional Connection

Two has the potential to be lonelier than one can ever be. There is no worse feeling that being with someone and yet feeling invisible. People can change and grow apart. In this type of affair, the straying partner is seeking responsiveness and demonstrative affection from another. They describe their marriage as “dead” and want to feel alive. I get it, but there are other options than an affair. Please, seek them out first.

The Need for Approval

This is often the affair of the narcissist. They are typically brief and in succession, a new partner replacing the former before he or she gets to know too much. This straying partner is driven by the need to be idolized, which is a trademark of early romance that fades as time reveals more about the person.

The Need for Stimulation

Affairs can be rewarding; there is a rush from the newness that is amplified by the necessary intrigue. Some people are wired to need more stimulation. These are your daredevils and stockbrokers. Others train themselves to need an increasing amount of stimulation, such as in the case of addiction. Their threshold for stimulation is set higher than a “normal” life can fulfill and so they are always seeking their next reward. I believe this is why there is a connection between Twitter use and affairs.

The Snipe Hunt for Happiness

I find this the saddest reason for infidelity. In this case, a person is truly unhappy and, rather than address the issue internally where it resides, they begin a snipe hunt for happiness, looking for it in external things and often, people. This affair is not driven by something missing in the marriage; it’s powered by something missing in the person. And, what makes it sad to me is that while they are on a winless quest for happiness, they steal joy from others along the way.

 

Many affairs can be described by more than one of the reasons above. After all, we’re all human with our complexities and fallibilities. Affairs happen. But maybe if we can understand more of why they do we can stop them before they start or learn from them once they do.

 

And, for those of you who have been betrayed, here is some more information for you:

Classification of Infidelity – A look at he types of infidelity from the perspective of the betrayed.

Will I Ever Trust Again? – A perspective on how to learn to trust again after betrayal.

Of Horses and Zebras – A description of how betrayal changes your brain.

The Upside of Betrayal – Betrayal isn’t all bad. There are some positives. I promise.