Speaking Out: Why Hiding Your Struggles Makes it Worse

Posted on by stilllearning2b
hiding

At this point, the only real regret I have about my first marriage was that I didn’t know.

Not about the financial and sexual infidelity (although it would have been nice to have had some insider information!). And not even about his plan to leave and secure another wife.

I regret that I didn’t know about his struggles with addiction and depression.

Because when it comes down to it, that is the real tragedy.

And unlike the bizarre secret life and the bigamy, hiding battles with addiction and depression* is exceedingly common.

And the consequences of trying to conceal these struggles are far-reaching and often devastating.

*I limit my emphasis here to addiction and depression partly because I believe those are the struggles my ex faced and because those are the two areas that I still witness the most stigma around. These same ideas hold true for most struggles – from weight loss to divorce, from anxiety to dealing with loss. These are the hard parts of the human journey. And they share a common language that we all speak if we’re willing to listen.

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At this point, I can only guess at what happened. At what demons my ex was wrestling with behind closed doors and only witnessed with closed eyes.

I know that he was taught from a young age the skill of hiding. He covered for his father when he was drunk at his son’s birthday party. He created stories to keep classmates away from his house and its concealed secrets. He learned to keep his tears in and his shoulders up.

I knew these things. I saw these things. But I also thought he was different with me. That he could open up. Feel safe. He showed me some secrets. I mistakenly thought he revealed them all.

I learned otherwise when I opened the cupboard doors in the basement after he left. The clutter of empty bottles spoke of another side of my husband. A darker side. A struggling side.

A side he never let me see.

Part of me wonders if is some strange way, by living this other life in secret and then leaving suddenly, he was trying to protect me. Shield me from his shadow-self. He had always seen himself as my guardian.

Or maybe he was too ashamed to reveal his internal conflicts and fears. His concern with his outward appearance and perception increased while his downward spiral accelerated. Ever afraid as being seen as less-than, something he perceived in his own father.

Perhaps he was afraid at the repercussions of speaking out about his problems. I have to admit, I would not have taken it well, especially if it had been hidden for some time. He may have been fearful of my anger. My disappointment. And my own fear.

Or maybe it was more about the fear of being judged by his family. His friends and coworkers. The world. At being distilled down to a single word – “depressed”. Or “addict”. Instead of a singularly complex man.

Conceivably, his depression or addiction had him feeling spun out of control. And so orchestrating his own magic show of misdirection and misinformation became his way of exerting control. Of making the pain somehow a little more bearable. I’m no stranger to that trick.

Of course, he may not even have possessed that level of self-awareness, simply seeking refuge from his pain wherever it could be found. Doubtful that true help could ever be obtained. And instead of seeing himself as struggling in the moment, he may have seen himself as permanently broken. Or maybe he couldn’t even bear to face himself at all.

And that’s the part that breaks my heart.

For him. And for all the others like him that are too stoic or too afraid or too ashamed to speak out.

Because no matter what his reasons were for not speaking out, not reaching out,

Keeping it in only made it worse.

—–

I Don’t Want to Hurt Them

It’s natural to want to shield those we love from excessive pain or ugliness. We care for them. We want the best for them. Even when it’s at the expense of ourselves.

There’s a magical thinking that can occur – if I can only keep this hidden from them, I’ll fix it on my own and everything will be the same. Yet upon reaching that point, things have already changed. For one, it’s impossible to be fully present when you’re presenting with a facade. You’re playacting. And that’s not fair to you or to them. Also, one of the strongest human drives is to be seen and accepted for who we are. And by wearing a mask, you’re isolating yourself.

We all need a human connection. We wither away without affection, attention and connection just as easily as we do without without food. When you make a decision to keep it in out of a sense of obligation, you’re starving yourself of the very sustenance you need to get better.

Furthermore, although you may believe you’re holding this in out of altruism, it’s ultimately a selfish act. You’ve decided that you are the one in control of their reality and you’re guiding it along based on your script alone.And when they find out – and they will eventually find out – the fact that you have kept the truth hidden from them will prompt anger, frustration, sadness and self-doubt.

Truly acting in their best interest occurs when you present them with the facts and allow them to reach their own decisions.

It is not your responsibility to ensure that others never feel pain. It is your responsibility to not willingly inflict needless suffering. And trying too hard to protect somebody often results in the pain magnifying needlessly.

I’m Afraid of Disappointing People

It’s not unusual for those stricken with depression or addiction to be people-pleasers. To want to be liked and often to find their own validation through that of others. And so when depression or addiction, with its inevitable impact on daily life and productivity, rears its ugly head, it can be easy to try to keep it under the covers for fear of letting down those around you.

You don’t want to go from being seen as “the smart one” to “the sad one.” From “the person who is always there for me” to “the person who never shows up.” Or “the responsible one” to “the don’t-trust-them-with-anything one.” And so you keep quiet. Keep the illusion.

Yet, just like you are not responsible for making sure that nobody ever feels pain, you are also not responsible for making others happy. For pleasing them. You do you and don’t worry so much about them.

Witnessing disappointment in the eyes of another is like a reflection of yourself that you have been avoiding. And maybe that’s exactly what you need to face.

I’m Afraid of Being Judged

And sadly, you will be.

By people who don’t understand, who believe that it can never happen to them and that you are somehow “less than” for letting it happen to you. By people that refuse to see you as a person with an illness rather than simply a walking label. By people who believe that strength is found in silence and that you are weak by speaking out. When in reality, their judgment is only because they’re cowardly with facing uncomfortable truths. By people that see depression and addiction as character flaws instead of character-builders. By people that have narrow minds because they are threatened by the inclusion of the unknown. By people that believe that they can control everything in their lives and are not willing to concede otherwise.

You will be judged.

Not because of who you are. But because of who the adjudicators are.

Don’t let them define your life for you. Be stronger than their fears and more forthcoming than their views.

Let them judge. And seek to prove them wrong.

I’m Ashamed of Who I Am

One of the most important things to realize about the illnesses of addiction and depression is that they lie to you. They devise reasons why it’s  imperative that you remain secretive. Not because it’s better for you. But because it’s better for the illness. They grow stronger in the dark, unchecked by outside influence.

They tell you that because you have failed at something, you are a failure. They whisper that you’re hopeless and then feed upon your despair. They convince you that you’re broken, unlovable and that anyone would recoil upon seeing your true nature.

Shame is perhaps the most malignant of human emotions. It is the root of so many bad choices and behaviors as it tries to distract from its own misery while inadvertently feeding it. It is the wound that screams at the sight of the sun, when light is the very thing that will bring healing.

And here’s the thing with shame – it tells you that you are alone in your feelings. When in reality, they are feelings we have all shared. And it’s only upon sharing them that this truth becomes evident.

—–

If you are suffering with addiction or depression currently, speak up and get the support and help you need. There is no shame in asking for help. In fact, recognizing your need for help and being brave enough to ask for it shows your strength. You are not your illness. You are so much more. Begin by refusing to listen to your illness’s orders to keep it hidden. Because that only makes it worse.

If you have suffered from addiction or depression in the past, speak out about your story. Do your part to help remove the stigma and assumptions about mental illness. Silence implies complacency with the status quo. So refuse to be silent. Allow your story to become one of understanding for those with a tendency to judge and one of inspiration for those further behind you. You don’t have to be perfect. In fact, it’s better if you show that you’re not.

If you love someone who is suffering from addiction or depression, speak with compassion. Facing a loved one’s struggles is hard. Accepting that you cannot control their decisions is scary. And setting and maintaining healthy boundaries is an on-going cycle of hope and heartbreak. Understand that they are not doing this to hurt you, they are doing this because they are hurting. So be kind. Both to them and to you. After all, we’re all in this thing together.

For all of you who have spoken out, I respect you and your courage. I hope my former husband has joined your ranks.

Related:

Hurt People Hurt People and the 7 Keys of Conscious Compassion

It’s Nice to be Important

 

Guest Post: Sex, Love and Relationship Advice From a Divorced Dad

Posted on by stilllearning2b

I believe the main goal of marriage is to stay happily married.  Sounds pretty simple, doesn’t it?  Unfortunately, sometimes it just doesn’t work out that way.

If you feel your marriage is having problems, do something to fix it!  Address the problems and don’t just hope those things will just “go away” or “get better” with time.  The fix could be as simple as bringing up whatever problems you’re having with your partner.  Try to keep the lines of communication open as much as possible.  Little problems can fester and turn into big ones mighty quick.  Don’t be afraid to suggest going to a marriage counselor.  This does not mean your marriage is on life support, but you want to fix what might be wrong.  I know most of this is not macho.  But if you take the macho route, you might be macho all by yourself and paying a big price for it.

Show your spouse with actions, not just tell your spouse how much they mean to you.  It’s amazing how good you feel when your partner actually listens to you.  Isn’t it nice when they tell you about their day at work or something that is important to them.  Whatever they are talking about may not be important to you, but if it’s important to your spouse, it should become important to you as well.  Show compassion and empathy when appropriate and it will be reciprocated when the time comes.  You are the person they should be able to lean on.

Hey guys, try surprising your wife with a meal you prepared ready by the time she gets home from work.  Or better yet, take care of the laundry and clean the house before she gets home from work. All this and a nice foot rub are powerful foreplay tools.  You may truly unlock the inner vixen in your mate.

Your wife should be your girlfriend, and your husband should be your boyfriend.  I’m a big advocate of date nights.  You have to have some time with just your spouse alone.  This means getting dressed up a bit and look good for your partner.   That means you gals should get out of your sweats and put as much effort into dressing up, hair and makeup for your husband, as you do for the occasional night out with the girls.  Guys, yes you should take a shower and shave before your night out. Put on something other than your favorite jersey or flannel shirt.  Just think back to when you were working hard to impress each other when you started dating.  You should still be trying to impress and attract your partner.  This also means it is time for the two of you to get out of the house for your dates.

Speaking of trying to attract your mate, I don’t understand why I see so many women in the gym trying to lose weight and look good when they are newly divorced or going through a divorce.  Perhaps this is something you should have been doing all along. The same goes for you guys.  I see guys that I have never seen before in the gym and after talking to them, they tell me they are trying to get “back into shape” because they will soon be or are back on the market.  Sorry guys, but bowling, golf and softball just are not exercise.  They and other “sports” are excuses to drink beer with the guys and be away from home.  I’m a big believer in exercise, and it’s obvious benefits to your mental and physical health.  The two of you don’t have to look like cover models for fashion magazines, but you shouldn’t give up and stop trying to look good for your spouse!  A gym membership is much cheaper than a divorce.

Get yourself a pool of reliable babysitters you trust and use them.  I know it is tough with careers, kids in sports and all their activities.  There could also be special circumstances such as elderly parents or special need children.  You have to make the effort for everybody’s sake.

Let’s talk about sex.  Contrary to some negative perceptions from some organized religion, sex is a good thing.  There’s been an overabundance of studies on the subject and I believe most of the “experts” say it is good for you physically as well as emotionally.   I can’t think of something that connects two married people more than sex.  The act produces all kinds of good chemical reactions and gives you both an incredible feeling of intimacy and closeness that a marriage needs.  If you’re having sex with your spouse on a regular basis, how can you stay mad at him/her for not doing the dishes and other silly arguments that may pop up?   I defy you to even think of the dirty dishes after had a mind-blowing session between the sheets.  Sex is the glue that keeps you together!

I have heard that woman need to feel loved to have sex and men need sex to feel loved.  I’m sure there are exceptions to that rule, but for the most part, I think it’s spot on.  So guys and gals do your best to keep those love vibes going and get naked! It’s a win-win situation when you and your spouse are making love on a regular basis.   (To each other of course)

There is a variety of reasons people get divorced.  Many times it’s a combination of things; poor communication, unfaithfulness, tragedy, Illness or accident, or you just plain grow apart.  When you split up with your spouse, this is a good time to reflect on what you think went wrong.  This would be a good time to take an inventory of what you think you may have done to contribute to the ultimate demise of your marriage.  Please don’t wallow in this.  Just try not to make the same mistakes twice.  This would be a good time to work on the things you believe you need to improve on and perhaps time to get rid of the things that may have contributed to the riffs in your relationship.  A good therapist might be a good idea to help you sort all this out.

I’m not talking about abuse.  If you’re in an abusive situation, get the hell out and take your kids with you.  Your safety and your children’s safety is paramount.  This also holds true if your spouse if an addict; drugs or alcohol.

Most folks blame the other person for their marriages going south.  Some of the time the blame rests square on one person’s shoulders, but most of the time it is a team effort.  Remember getting divorced is closing one door and opening another one.  Walk through that open door with your chin up with the confidence that you will try not to make the same mistakes twice.

By L.J. Burke, author of DIVORCED DAD: Kids are Forever, Wives are Not.

What Are Your Pronouns Telling You About Your Love?

Posted on by stilllearning2b

I struggle sometimes when speaking about the past.

Not the with emotions, not any more thank goodness. Those have been processed and purged.

And not even with the facts. Those have been accepted and analyzed.

But with the pronouns.

Sometimes, I might refer to “My first house” or “The pug I used to have.” And although factually true, those feel off. Because it wasn’t just my house, it was our house. Max wasn’t my dog, she was ours. Yet the use of the collective doesn’t feel right either. Because even though we were an “our,” that team has seen been disbanded. So I often end up stumbling over a hodgepodge of pronouns when recounting some story, making it sound as though I had some boomerang of a husband.

It would be handy to have some past form of collective pronouns. But English is complicated enough already.

—–

It caught me off guard the first time I heard Brock refer to Tiger as, “Our dog.” He adopted the big-headed while I was barely in the picture and at the time Tiger became “ours,” I still didn’t share a home with Tiger or his daddy.

But Brock saw him as ours.

That simple pronoun classifying us as a team. A partnership. A family.

Over the next few years, I was always impressed with Brock’s use of collective pronouns. The “I’s” replaced with “we’s” and “our” displacing much of “mine.” When he would misspeak, accidentally removing me with the use of a singular form, he would immediately correct his word choice with emphasis on the shared form.

As for me, it felt weird – in a good way – to transition pretty quickly from ours, to mine and back to ours, yet with a different him.

The words we choose are telling, often revealing more than we intend. As relationships move from dating into something more serious, it’s expected that the pronouns begin to shift as well.

Be mindful of those words –

If someone uses the collective too soon, it may be a sign that things are moving too quickly. If the singular stubbornly remains, it may indicate that the speaker is not all-in. If the shared forms are applied too generously, it can indicate that the individuals have lost themselves to the couple. And if somebody in a relationship starts to shift back into the singular form, listen to what they’re telling you.

As for me, I’m probably still going to call my first house, “Ourrr…My” house for a least a while longer. Because apparently it’s easier to get an ex husband out of your life than out of your choice of words.

 

 

 

 

How to Fight Fairly With Your Spouse

Posted on by stilllearning2b

When Brock and I first started getting serious, I was afraid of arguments.

Because I didn’t know how to have them. When it came to marital spats, I was a newbie.

At any sign of discord or disappointment, I would flood with emotion and any chance of rational thinking would be washed away. I responded defensively, viewing any comment as an attack. I was so busy being upset and even more so, scared, that I wasn’t able to listen to what was being said.

I’ve spent the last several years learning how to argue so that when all is said and done, we not only feel better, we have become better. Here’s some of what I have learned (and what I’m still learning):

The purpose of fighting isn’t to be right; the purpose is to be better.

When you’re in the midst of an argument, it’s easy to feel as though you’re on the attack and you’re being attacked. This position easily leads to a “I’m right, you’re wrong” stance.

And that’s always a losing battle.

Because in order for one person to be right, the other has to be wrong.

Unless, that is, the entire situation is turned on its head. And instead of fighting to be right, you both are fighting to be better. To make you better. To make your spouse better. To make the marriage better.

Reframe your argument as attacking a climbing wall together rather than pulling against each other in a tug-of-war. Ideally at the beginning of the conversation or as soon as you’re aware, try to define what the overall goal is, name the mountain you’re trying to scale. You don’t have to agree on an approach yet, just the overall goal.

See the obstacles in the way of the goal as challenges to be overcome. Try to shift from working against each other to working together to problem solve a solution.

Try facing the same direction. It seems silly, but it really does shift the focus from an attack to making forward progress towards a shared aim.

Instead of bringing up perceived slights of your partner, bring up challenges you have successfully tackled together.

And here’s the hard part – when your anger rises, strive to refrain from aiming it at your spouse. Remember, you chose them. Challenges and all.

Throughout the argument, remember that goal is to change the situation or the perspective, not your partner. Commit to every fight being a fight for your marriage.

Accept that your ego will be bruised.

Be willing to say the hard truths. And be willing to hear them as well. Part of a good relationship is calling your partner out on his or BS, which never feels good.

It feels good in the moment to surround yourself with “yes men,” but too many sycophants don’t make you better. They only make you think you’re better by petting your ego. Refuse to let your ego stand in your way.

On the other hand, strive to not take everything personally. Just because it’s directed at you, doesn’t always mean it’s about you.

Whenever you start to feel defensive, pay attention. Defensiveness is telling you that you’re getting close to something that demands attention.

Also, you’ll do well to give your spouse the benefit of the doubt. In a heated conversation, the best and most well-intended of us don’t always choose the right words. Sometimes you have to let the words go and focus instead on the meaning behind them.

Compromise is rarely 50-50.

We speak of compromise as meeting half way. Of both people equally giving in and getting their way.

But compromise is defined more by the situation than equal shares.

Sometimes an issue will be more important to one partner than the other. The one who cares more should have more say. Other times there will be other factors that come into play making one viewpoint more easily achieved. And sometimes halfway can be much harder on one person to maintain than the other.

In arguments, it’s best to take the long view. Don’t fight for this moment, fight for all the moments in your marriage that are yet to come. Don’t worry about compromise being equal on this day, ensure that it’s fair overall.

Monitor your and adjust your arousal state (and keep an eye on your partner’s as well).

Have you ever noticed that when your emotions are high, your sight retracts, sounds become distant and your world draws in until it’s difficult to perceive anything outside yourself? Your body may feel hot or you may start to tremble. This is often when the tears or even sobs begin.

When you’re flooded, a fight simply serves as a dam, holding the emotions at their max. The waters of feelings have to be drained before you and your partner will be able to get to the bottom of the issues.

Watch your partner’s state. If they’re flooding, back off. They are not really listening or processing.

Monitor your own emotional state. If you sense that you’re flooding, communicate it, step back and focus on lowering your arousal state through breathing. Or a break.

Break the discussion into bite-sized pieces, but don’t allow an endless buffet.

Some fights take time to digest. Some solutions take time to process. Give them that time. It’s okay to table the argument for a period and then return to it later once both partners have been able to rest and think and relax.

However, be sure to set an end to the argument. A sign that it’s over. And once that benchmark has been reached, lay the fight to rest.

When the conversation is over, don’t neglect your work.

Have you learned some truth about yourself that you need to work on? Have you realized that you are still being influenced by your past? After the argument, take some time to reflect on the lessons embedded within.

View every fight as an opportunity to become closer to your spouse.

And use the time after the fight to nurture that closeness.

And what I am still learning…

 

How To Survive the Misery of a Marital Funk

Posted on by stilllearning2b

It seems like everybody around me has been in a bit of a February funk – irritable, frustrated, glum and prone towards negative spin. The winter, with its seemingly perpetual rain and persistent gray skies has overstayed its welcome. Winter break is a distant memory and summer still feels like the beginning of a Kickstarter campaign – all promise and no substance. And for those of us in education, the anticipation of the upcoming testing season is starting to frazzle the nerves and interrupt the sleep.

I see the foul mood spread, as contagious as the step throat that has also been making the rounds. People snap to judgements and snap at each other. Internal narratives veer into the dramatic and disastrous.

Funk happens.

In life. In schools. And in marriages.

Marriages are not immune to periods of funk. Times when a bad mood is shared and amplified. A few days or weeks when everything seems to fray the nerves. Or fail to excite. When the marriage is down in the dumps.

Funks are inevitable but they are not impenetrable.

With the proper care and attention, there are ways to reduce and shorten the misery of a marital funk.

Recognize it For What it Is

A funk is like fog. When you’re in it, it’s all you see. And it’s easy to assume that it extends forever. But it doesn’t. It’s here now, not forever.

Get Some Rest

A lack of sleep feeds the funk. When you’re tired, everything is irritating and overwhelming. Ensure that you’re getting sufficient rest before you try anything else.

Build Anticipation

Bad moods sense a lack of anticipation and quickly move in and take up residence in the excess mental space. So schedule a smile. Shared is best, but solo will also help to lift the fog.

Amp Up the Movement

When your body is sluggish, your brain is sluggish. Walk, run, dance. It doesn’t matter. Just get moving every day for a minimum of 20 minutes.

Check the Diet

It’s easy to try to eat your bad mood away. Yet it rarely works and often backfires. Check your intake of alcohol, sugar and caffeine. Ensure you’re getting enough nutrients and water.

Get Away

Funks are often associated with a specific environment. So change yours for a few days or even a few hours. A break from your partner can also help provide some needed perspective.

Limit the Spread

If you’re feeling particularly funky, work to release some of the bad mood before you share it with your partner. If your partner is especially foul, work to inoculate yourself through distance or extra self-care.

Revisit the Shared History

Pull up the old pictures together. Take a shared drive through the old neighborhood. Schedule a date at the site of the first shared meal.

Hold Off on the Big Decisions

Don’t let your funk make major decisions for you. It’s notoriously narrow-minded. Table any big decisions until you can see clearly.

Don’t Take it Personally

Bad moods make for bad tempers. Try to not respond defensively or in anger to your partner’s foul mood. And, of course, try not to take yours out on them. Chances are, it’s your doldrums bothering you more than your spouse.

Apologize

If your funk hijacked your tongue and made it say things you didn’t intend, say you’re sorry. And mean it.

Ride the Funk

When you fight it too hard, it tends to fight back. Try moving with it instead.

Be Patient

The tide always turns. Stay with it.

—–

Note: A funk is not the same as depression. A funk is short-lived and doesn’t impede normal life in a significant way. Depression, on the other hand, is longer lasting and its effects are more serious. If you suspect you are depressed, please seek professional assistance.