This article deals with death. But then, divorce is a type of death, isn’t it? I think we can all use this reminder sometimes.
Is It Better to Have Loved and Lost? Yes, Yes, It Is! | Psychology Today.
The Day the Marriage Died
Up until now, everything I have posted has been recently written, almost 3 years since the end of my marriage. I recently went back and visited some of my earlier writings, drafted in the weeks and months after he left. I’ve decided to share some of that, to expose the raw underbelly of divorce. Please be aware that this writing has a different tone. The emotions and language are harsh as they capture my reaction on the day the marriage died.
Wellness is not measured by the amount of broccoli you eat or the number of miles you can run. It is not found in the number of punches on your yoga membership card or the double digits of your sit-up count. Wellness is not indicated by the reading of the blood pressure cuff or the size indicated on the label of your jeans.
I used to think I was well; I had all of the above mastered. My lean, muscled body spoke of the intense workouts it was subjected to along with the strict vegetarian diet that was used to fuel the exercise sessions. I awoke before dawn to ensure that I could fit a workout into my hectic schedule as a middle school teacher. I fit long runs in on open evenings or on the weekends. I watched everything I ate, avoiding meat and keeping a careful eye on the amount of fat consumed. My favorite way to spend the weekends was working in my extensive garden or going on long hikes in the nearby North Georgia mountains.
I used to think I was well. But, I wasn’t. All it took to strip away all of physical manifestations of health was a few short sentences. A text, sent across the country on a sunny Saturday afternoon, arriving unexpectedly on my phone.
July 11, 2009 12:38 p.m.
I’m sorry to be such a coward leaving you this way. I am leaving. Please reach out to someone let the dogs out as I am leaving the state. The code for the garage is 5914. I’m truly sorry but I can’t do this anymore. Please give me some time to come to terms with my decision. I will call you in a few days. I am sorry that I have failed you.
Lesson One
When two become ones, you are able to see yourself clearly.
Fear gripped. Legs collapsed. Brain stuttered. Lungs heaved. Gut clenched. Body trembled. World shattered. Visceral. Violent.
My father’s arms engulfed me as I lay shaking on the floor, my body and brain rebelling from my new reality.
“What can I do for you? Do you want me to call mom?” my dad offered, seeking for a way to comfort his only child.
“Yes, please,” I responded, forcing the words out through my locked lungs.
He reluctantly left me in a heap on the hallway floor in my aunt and uncle’s house as he moved to the dining room to make the call to my mother in Texas, whom he had divorced decades earlier.
My brain barely registered his soft, yet strained voice in conversation several feet away from me. My hands gripped my phone with urgency, willing it to send another message. Wanting this to be a mistake. A joke. Anything but real. A little anger pushed through the initial shock, enough for me to summon the courage to flip open the phone, using muscle memory trained over years to scroll down twelve names to Mr. T, the nickname he used to put himself in the phone he bought for me years before.
“Hello. You’ve reached T of MMS. I cannot come to the phone right now, but please leave a message and I will get back to you as soon as possible.”
I took a deep breath and left a message, almost unintelligible through my tears, my shaking, and my heaving chest.
“T. I don’t understand. What is this? A text message? Sixteen years and a text message? Please don’t do this. Not like this. Call me. Please.”
I closed the phone, severing the connection.
It sat there silent. Taunting me. I opened it again, this time to send a text message.
What about the dogs? Are the dogs okay? Call me.
It remained silent, the screen dark.
What Set Theory Can Teach Us About Marriage
I was reviewing sets and Venn diagrams with my 8th grade math students last week as I was getting them ready for the round of state tests. Perhaps it’s a sign that I have been teaching this way too long, but my mind was wandering all over during the lesson. For some reason, the vocabulary and diagrams of set theory reminded me of marriage. Weird, I know. Well, I didn’t include this in my lesson (although maybe they would have been more interested?), but here is what I realized about the connection between three terms in set theory and how they relate to three styles of relationships.
Union
In math, a union is when two or more sets are combined. In the Venn diagram above, the union of A and B is the entire shaded region. The symbol for union is a U. In a relationship that forms a union, each partner brings his or her whole self to the marriage and loses nothing when their lives overlap. The area in the center represents the deepening that occurs when two whole, healthy people unite. The shared region is the marriage, whereas the shaded regions that do not overlap represent the individuals and their independent beliefs and activities. The symbol for union, U, emphasizes that these relationships are open to outside influence and change. This would be the ideal relationship, each person contributing, benefiting, and yet remaining intact.
Intersection
An intersection is the region where two or more sets overlap, shown by the center area in the Venn diagram above. It is represented by the symbol ∩. In a relationship characterized by the intersection model, each individual came to the marriage whole, but since has lost the part of him or herself that is not shared with the partner. This is a limited relationship as each person exists only in the overlap. The symbol for intersection demonstrates this closed, insular nature. These relationships may last, but you would be hard-pressed to find a happy partner in one.
Subset
A subset is a set contained entirely within another set, shown with a symbol that looks like a C. In this type of relationship there is a power imbalance as one partner becomes completely absorbed by the other. The symbol represents the subset spouse being open only to his or her partner and not accepting any other influence. A relationship could start out in this fashion or this subset/superset could develop over time.
Which type of relationship best describes your marriage? Which type do you want to be? And could you pass the state algebra test now?
Related articles
- Marriage: I Do or I Don’t? (lessonsfromtheendofamarriage.com)
5 Things Which Require More Flexibility Than Yoga
Divorce certainly takes flexibility, mental contortions. Your life partner has become an enemy, stranger, platonic friend, or some combination of the three. You have to go from seeing yourself as half of a package deal to solo, ties to no other. You may be negotiating how to parent children when the parents no longer share a home. You may be deconstructing the destruction, examining the known from unknown angles. It is so easy to blame, yourself and others, for the way things are. Everything that has been assumed is no longer. The old lines of mental travel, though well-worn, will not serve you here. It is time to be more flexible, more accepting of what is. Wherever you are today is where you are meant to be. Let go, breathe, and you will deepen.
5 Things Which Require More Flexibility Than Yoga.
On the Menu: Low Carb Pasta and Baked Zucchini Fries
I made a mistake last week. We are in the midst of testing season at school which means the daily schedule is put in blender and spit back out. As a result, I ended up with 3 days last week with no lunch period, meaning I had to attempt to eat (two hours past my normal lunch time) while speed-teaching 22 minute classes. The mistake? I packed a high-fiber, voluminous lunch with lots of beans, greens, and cauliflower that my body didn’t like ingesting rapidly and my palate did not enjoy cold.
I’m learning. We have another round of testing this week and I am packing a lower-fiber spread that will be fine if I do not have access to the microwave. My stomach is breathing a sigh of relief.
Black Bean Pasta With Raw Marinara
As a gluten-free gal, I had pretty much given up on ever being able to eat pasta again that wasn’t loaded with simple carbs and entirely devoid of protein. Then I found this hiding on the bottom shelf in a local health food store. I brought it home, a bit dubious that the texture and flavor would be as good as the nutritional profile (17 g carbs and 20 g protein!!!). I mixed up a quick pesto sauce in my food processor, cooked the pasta, and tossed it together. It. Was. Amazing. It felt right in the mouth, tasted great, and filled me up like only protein can.
A few days later, I went back to the store to buy more of the mung bean fettuccine and to pick up the black bean spaghetti. The shelves were empty:( Panicked (I NEEDED this stuff now), I visited my Amazon site. Placed an order. Several days later, I received an email that they were sold out. Not one to give up easily, I found another site that carries the pastas. I received my first order of the black bean spaghetti last week and I am excited to try it in this week’s recipe.
I needed a sauce that would be good cold and I wanted something different than the pesto I used earlier. I decided to try the marinara recipe from here, but I added onion, garlic, and mushrooms. What? I said I had to be able to eat quickly; I never said anything about my breath having to smell nice:) I topped the spaghetti with a vegan “cheese” made of walnuts and nutritional yeast for a little extra yum and a little extra protein.
Pasta. $6 Tomatoes. $3 The look of utter horror on my students’ faces when they see me eating black pasta with red sauce. Priceless.
Baked Zucchini Fries
This is another recipe from Lean, Luscious, and Meatless, my favorite book from childhood that has disappeared from print.
4 zucchini, end cut off and sliced longwise into 1/8″ slices
dip these into a mixture of flax seed (the cookbook uses wheatgerm, but that whole gluten thing gets in the way), garlic powder, paprika, and oregano
Arrange cut side up on a cookie sheet and bake at 450° for 15 minutes. Extra yummy served with tomato sauce.
A bonus of this week’s meal? It’s quick to prepare, leaving me with plenty of time to read Fifty Shades of Grey, a reading assignment from a coworker.
I’ll top this off with some strawberries and a protein shake that can be quickly downed discretely. Here’s to a happier tummy and the last week of testing!
Related articles
- On the Menu: Lemon Pepper Pasta and Verdant Sides (lessonsfromtheendofamarriage.com)
- Spaghetti Squash + Homemade Marinara (tequilacupcakes.com)
- Raw Zucchini Pesto Pasta (eatdrinkbetter.com)
- Eating Gluten Free: Counting the healthy and the unhealthy ways. (guidetoglutenfree.com)
- Pimp My Health: 5 Healthy Twists For Your Pasta (blisstree.com)
- Types of Pasta: Alternative Grains to Wheat Pasta (familyfocusblog.com)
- Vegetable of the week: Zucchini (plantstrongliving.com)
- Raw Zucchini “Pasta” Salad (veganfamilia.wordpress.com)
- Zucchini Fries (ihaveiwant.wordpress.com)
Lessons From the End of a Marriage 